Outsiders is a self-help group for people with physical and social disabilities. We offer members the chance to contact others, gain more confidence, make new friends and perhaps find a partner.
Anyone over 16 may join and nobody is turned away because of physical or social disability. Although members who 'expect a partner to arrive in the post' are generally disappointed, many have been delighted with new-found friends and overjoyed when they find someone to love. The most surprising relationships have developed, to the joy of everyone.
Problems in forming relationships often result from the way we've been treated: parents being over-protective, friends condemning us as 'not marriage material', residential staff denying our rights. Unpleasant early experiences often result in continual fears of rejection. Newly disabled people may find it difficult to adapt, and may lose their partners. Many of our members are shy when it comes to flirting. Many come to us depressed and despondently showing little interest in themselves. Outsiders gives a new lease of life.
All kinds of people join - from Lords to the average Mr. or Ms. Smith, university lecturers, hermits, philosophers, rebels - all sexualities, religions and races. About one third of us have obvious physical disabilities and the rest have hidden ones. There are always more males than females (keeping the men on their toes and the women pampered) even though we do our best to keep the balance equal. We have members all over Britain and indeed all over the world.
You need to fill our application form in yourself. If this is not possible (because of aphasia or Dyslexia , for example) you must at least be able to understand the form and rules. The application form, like all our literature, is also available on tape and by email.
Outsiders is run by a team of volunteers who have been, and may still be in the same boat as yourself, so there's no need to feel anxious about expressing your fears, apprehensions, troubles, hopes or dreams. Outsiders works best for people who are eager to change the way they think about themselves and improve on the way they approach others. It also works best for those who contribute to Outsiders as well as use our service. It's by helping each other that members gain confidence. In Outsiders, disability is not an obstacle to loving one another.
For members who are nervous of putting their names and addresses on the list, you can just put your initials, c/o Outsiders, and we supply a free forwarding service. Membership is renewed annually, but you can leave at any stage by sending in a written resignation. We also give members the choice to remain on the list without renewing after their first year of membership. This way they can still receive letters and be contacted by other members but will not receive our mailings.
Everyone who joins us receives a detailed and deeply thought-out letter from one of the volunteers at HQ. Also enclosed will be a copy of our magazine, Inside, the latest list of all the other members, a list of library books on loan, and a very useful book called 'Practical Suggestions' which covers all the problems previous members have encountered forming relationships, and ways they have tried to overcome them. Outsiders can be a stepping-stone to enjoying life to the full.
We hold regular monthly lunches in London, Ipswich and the Midlands, and we plan to increase these to other parts of the country. New members are encouraged to travel to the London lunch to meet the organisers so we can get a feel of which members might get along with you.
London lunches are always held on the second Saturday of every month. Nervous newcomers can be met outside if you so request. We also welcome people who are not sure about us and want to come and see for themselves. About forty people chat and mingle till about 6pm. Workshops are held throughout the afternoon, for people who want to join in. New members are greeted warmly but not pressurised to mix, and the gatherings are easy-going so that even the most shy and inexperienced members won't feel left out. The August lunch is always a picnic. Parties, outings and women's events are also arranged.
Please rest assured that anything you tell us will be in strictest confidence. We understand that many members have parents, PAs or care staff beside them when they make phone calls and it might be difficult to begin with to obtain the privacy you need to establish relationships. We can help you negotiate your needs, so that you can make dignified choices.
If you're at a low-point in your life, or know somebody who is, welcome to Outsiders. Those who wish to be part of Outsiders without the benefits of the self-help aspect can become Associate Members and receive the magazine and use the library for the price of £10 a year. Full membership is £25 a year waged, £12 unwaged.
We'll enjoy having you with us if you decide to join. We hope you will.
Sue, Eleni, Janet, Annie, Alan, Jamie, Tuppy and Ted.
All members shall:
Try to answer letters, if only to say "thanks, but no thanks"
When contacting other members, be as honest as you can, and describe yourself in a positive light
Your first call, letter or email should be brief, friendly and positive, and should not include mention of intimate issues. At this stage, you are creating a bridge for them to cross to become your friend, if they so choose
Never phone a member late at night, or visit them without being invited
Do not play tricks or carry out practical jokes on your first contact
Study our book Practical Suggestions to improve your chances of forming relationships
Confidence comes from experience, and success does not always come overnight. Be patient
If your entry in the Outsiders list is not bringing you what you seek, change it and feel free to discuss with us how to improve the wording to make it more effective
If you feel down, or have any intimate problems that you find difficult to discuss, don't let this hold you back. Call one of our helplines for completely confidential advice
We know that many disabled people put up with unequal and abusive relationships with parents, staff, friends and lovers, and we ask that members do not suffer in silence, but use our confidential self-help network to take control and improve your life
Try to attend Outsiders events and activities. Becoming more pro-active will increase your chances of finding love. See the back of this leaflet for suggestions
Meet people for the first time in a public place, not at home. Don't let anyone move in with you until you are sure about them. Do not borrow from or lend money or valuables to another member before becoming a known and trusted friend
Keep the Club Membership List confidential, as it contains other people's as well as your own personal and confidential information
Support and positively promote Outsiders. The more members we have, the better the club will work for everyone
Outsiders is a self-help group where more experienced members offer help to newcomers. Make the most of it!
The volunteers in the Outsiders office have signed a Confidentiality Form, so your secrets are safe. Please keep us informed of your successes and anything you think we need to know, to make Outsiders more successful. In additition, kindly report back to us any illegalities and unpleasantness
If there are no social events in your area, and you would like to host them yourself, please ask the office volunteers for support, rather than going ahead on your own
Do not set up any groups, either on-line or otherwise, in the name of Outsiders without prior permission.
Please let us know if you no longer wish to be a member, so we can take you off our lists
Abide by the Outsiders Equal Opportunities Policy, Protection of Vulnerable Adults Policy and Child Protection Policy
Have the right to make your views heard and vote for our Trustees at the AGM.
Have the right to a hearing in front of the full Coordinating Board in cases of alleged breaches of the rules of the club, but accept the ruling of the Coordinating Board after that hearing.
Enjoy!