Outsiders Club
Outsiders offers opportunities for people who are struggling to meet people with whom they can form close and/or intimate relationships. If this is you, read on.
We aim to help you feel more confident and self-accepting, so you have more control over your personal life. Higher self-esteem is proven to help people enjoy life more. Some use Outsiders as a stepping stone, some to make deep and lasting friendships, and many to find a partner.
Outsiders works as a self-help peer support group, with more experienced members either becoming volunteers to run events, etc., or simply quietly helping other individuals in the Club in their personal journeys.
All our members can handle their own affairs, and are encouraged to make their own contacts and treat people they meet through Outsiders with total respect.
We will very soon be able to offer online joining but this is being done with caution, because it’s known that predators seek out vulnerable people and we want to ensure you’ll be safe and secure. We’ll also have a vibrant Members Area on the website.
Anyone over 16 may join and nobody is turned away because of physical or social disability. Members who “expect a partner to arrive in the post” are generally disappointed, but many members have been delighted with new-found friends and overjoyed when they find someone to love. The most surprising relationships have developed, to the joy of everyone.
Problems in forming relationships often result from the way we’ve been treated: parents being over-protective, friends condemning us as “not marriage material”, residential staff denying our rights. Unpleasant early experiences often result in continual fears of rejection. Newly disabled people may find it difficult to adapt, and may have lost confidence after loosing their partners.
Disabled people who are fully integrated on a social level often feel that they themselves are “able bodied” and they don’t accept their disability. This leads to the feeling that they could not have a disabled partner, which is descending into the same discrimination they have fought to overcome!
Many of our members are shy when it comes to flirting and dating. Many come to us depressed and despondently showing little interest in themselves. Outsiders gives a new lease of life.
Outsiders is now 34 years old and we have watched how society has changed. In the old days, although buildings were much more inaccessible and there were fewer disabled parking spaces, people were much more relaxed about accepting people who “looked different” as partners. Today, everyone seems to need a good-looking, fit, wealthy partner who has a job and home — almost to impress their parents and peers. Many disabled people now enjoy social integration but their hopes are dashed when they still go home from the accessible nightclub on their own.
All kinds of people join — from university lecturers, web designers, hermits, philosophers, rebels — all sexualities, religions and races. About one third of us have obvious physical disabilities and the rest have hidden ones. There are always more males than females (keeping the men on their toes and the women pampered) even though we do our best to keep the balance equal. We have members all over Britain and indeed all over the world.
You need to fill our application form in yourself. If this is not possible (because of aphasia or Dyslexia , for example) you must at least be able to understand the form and rules. The application form, like all our literature, is also available on tape and by email.
Because Outsiders is run by volunteers who have been, and may still be in the same boat as yourself, there’s no need to feel anxious about expressing your fears, apprehensions, troubles, hopes or dreams. Outsiders works best for you if you are willing to change the way you think about yourself and respond to others. You may need to approach others showing more interest in them, and develop your own seductive style.
Outsiders also works best for those who contribute the Club, as well as use our service. It’s very much a case of, when you work alongside and help each other, you gain confidence and start having fun. In Outsiders, disability is no obstacle to loving one another.
For members who are nervous of letting their names and addresses be seen, you can just use your initials, c/o Outsiders, for snail mail, and we supply a free forwarding service. Most people use emails and texts.
Membership is renewed annually, but you can leave at any stage by sending a letter or email.
You will receive a copy of our magazine, Inside, and the latest list of all the other members and, if you are unable to read it online, a very useful book called “Practical Suggestions” which is old but still of value: it covers the problems previous members have encountered forming relationships, and ways they overcame them.
Volunteers make every effort to telephone members to see how you are getting along, and in case you have fallen into a rut. We run a Members Helpline you can call, always answered by a disabled person.
We hold regular monthly events such as lunches in London, Ipswich, the Midlands, Sheffield, and the West of England, and we hope to develop these further. New members are most welcome at these. See our Events page.
Please rest assured that anything you tell us will be in strictest confidence. We understand that some members have parents, PAs or care staff beside them when they make phone calls and it might be difficult to begin with to obtain the privacy you need to establish relationships. We can help you negotiate your needs, so that you can make dignified choices.
If you’re at a low-point in your life, or know somebody who is, welcome to Outsiders. Those who wish to be part of Outsiders without the benefits of the self-help aspect can become Associate Members and receive the magazine for the price of £25 a year. Full membership is £27.50 a year (waged), £14 (unwaged). Many members send donations, they love us so much.
Lesley Child, one of our female members said, “Disabled people make the best sexual partners because we have learned how to ask for things nicely, and have developed ingenuity in overcoming what seem like insurmountable problems.”
We’ll enjoy having you with us if you decide to join. We hope you will.
Eleni, Philippe, Janet, and Tuppy
Rules of Outsiders
All members shall:
Try to answer letters, if only to say "thanks, but no thanks"
When contacting other members, be as honest as you can, and describe yourself in a positive light
Your first call, letter or email should be brief, friendly and positive, and should not include mention of intimate issues. At this stage, you are creating a bridge for them to cross to become your friend, if they so choose
Never phone a member late at night, or visit them without being invited
Do not play tricks or carry out practical jokes on your first contact
Study our book Practical Suggestions to improve your chances of forming relationships
Confidence comes from experience, and success does not always come overnight. Be patient
If your entry in the Outsiders list is not bringing you what you seek, change it and feel free to discuss with us how to improve the wording to make it more effective
If you feel down, or have any intimate problems that you find difficult to discuss, don’t let this hold you back. Call one of our helplines for completely confidential advice
We know that many disabled people put up with unequal and abusive relationships with parents, staff, friends and lovers, and we ask that members do not suffer in silence, but use our confidential self-help network to take control and improve your life
Try to attend Outsiders events and activities. Becoming more pro-active will increase your chances of finding love. See the back of this leaflet for suggestions
Meet people for the first time in a public place, not at home. Don’t let anyone move in with you until you are sure about them. Do not borrow from or lend money or valuables to another member before becoming a known and trusted friend
Keep the Club Membership List confidential, as it contains other people’s as well as your own personal and confidential information
Support and positively promote Outsiders. The more members we have, the better the club will work for everyone
Outsiders is a self-help group where more experienced members offer help to newcomers. Make the most of it!
The volunteers in the Outsiders office have signed a Confidentiality Form, so your secrets are safe. Please keep us informed of your successes and anything you think we need to know, to make Outsiders more successful. In additition, kindly report back to us any illegalities and unpleasantness
If there are no social events in your area, and you would like to host them yourself, please ask the office volunteers for support, rather than going ahead on your own
Do not set up any groups, either on-line or otherwise, in the name of Outsiders without prior permission.
Please let us know if you no longer wish to be a member, so we can take you off our lists
Abide by the Outsiders Equal Opportunities Policy, Protection of Vulnerable Adults Policy and Child Protection Policy
Have the right to make your views heard and vote for our Trustees at the AGM.
Have the right to a hearing in front of the full Coordinating Board in cases of alleged breaches of the rules of the club, but accept the ruling of the Coordinating Board after that hearing.
Enjoy!
