Contents
Postal Contact
4S Leroy House, 436 Essex Road, London N1 3QP
Please enclose a stamped addressed envelope if you want a reply.
When sending post to be forwarded on to other members, remember
to place a stamp on the enveloped to be forwarded.
Always answer letters from other members, if only to say thank you.
Email
Club: info@outsiders.org.uk
Sexual Problems: sexdis@outsiders.org.uk
Phone
Office 020 7354 8291. On answerphone except when volunteers are in the office,
usually Thursday afternoons. Please leave a message with your phone number.
Outsiders Information and Helpline + London Gadabouts
0871 424 9935 daily from 2pm-7pm. Please speak after the recorded message and
someone will pick up the phone if they are able,
otherwise leave a message.
Sex & Disability Helpline 0707 499 3527 11am-7pm weekdays,
for sexual problems only.
Outsiders Chat
Moderated Yahoo group for members to enjoy.
Any member can subscribe to OutsidersChat so long as you have an email
address and a yahoo account. If you haven’t got a yahoo account, you can go here
http://groups.yahoo.com/ and sign up for one. Once you have your account you
can subscribe to OutsidersChat by sending an email to OutsidersChat-subscribe@
yahoogroups.com. You don’t have to receive or send OutsidersChat emails
using your Yahoo account, you can tell yahoo to forward and accept emails from
any email address. Questions to eirwen - eirwen@phonecoop.coop
Outsiders on Social Networking
Cripan Wilde and Outsiders Group on
Facebook, Outsiders Group on Couchsurfing.com
We decided to do something BIG
for our 30th Anniversary.
Something not limited to London.
Great Expectations was born in
the Highlands: a magical and
romantic gatherings of physically
and socially disabled people from
across the Highlands.
Members at the West Country
lunch agreed that they would get
more local disabled people coming
to their events if they called them
Great Expectations.
So, the first Great Expectations was held in Tiverton on 16th May. It was amazing, dynamic and everyone who came along, both members and non-members went away with renewed hope, inspiration as well as new friendships. You can read more about this more here. The Highland Great Expections launches on 6th June in Inverness. Bill Cook, the Highlands Disability Officer said we were filling a big gap.
We decided to give our big London
30th Anniversary celebration (see
invite on page 39 & 40), the same
name, using ideas from regional
events, and inviting people from
other groups and agencies to
come and work with us, The
London lunch ebbs and flows like
a river and soon we hope to use
the same principles — publicise it
as a Great Expectations, and
watch it swell!
Great Expectations is not a permanent name, but the beginning of many names and ideas for events, to keep Outsiders fresh for ever.
Outsiders Patrons
Outsiders Trust
The Club
Annie-Celeste Taylor
Annie-Celeste has joined our team as Office Manager of Outsiders and
Event Manager. She is tried-and-tested from last year’s fund-raising ball,
as the most hard-working woman on earth, who manages to have a
good time as well (plus making everyone else feel great). She says:
“I have never been to, or organised an event with such a welcoming
atmosphere and beautiful energy – a true pleasure to have been
involved.”
Annie’s hometown is Aberdeen (where she speaks with a Scottish
accent) but she currently lives down in South East London in a creative
house-share (where she speaks “proper” English). She has just bought
a van to make herself and her work totally mobile.
Annie recently graduated from Central School of Speech and Drama
with a Stage Management Degree, although she refined her training into
Events during her last year. She has a passion for outdoor events and
is working hard to find a place for herself in festivals. She is involved in
Glastonbury, as well as overseeing Outsiders presence there this year,
and working at many of the other festivals. Her tiny Outsiders salary is
funded through a scheme devised by Dick Shepherd of Glastonbury,
whereby the Outsiders' support work at festivals brings in a small profit.
Annie-Celeste inherited her father's rebellious talent for achieving the impossible and her mother's for becoming a trusted friend with marginalised people, so she is the perfect person to have on board with Outsiders. The volunteers love her and we hope you will too.
Outsiders has formalised our
membership criteria to ensure that
we are fully equipped to deal with
the people who join, and our club
runs harmoniously.
We have always been a club for
people who feel like outsiders, and
that is why we keep the name.
Members may feel like outsiders
because of the way society treats
them, and the way they get
rejected as sexual partners. Some
go so far as saying that they don’t
feel they belong in a society where
values are so superficial as to treat
people with disabilities as
undesirable.
We are now sending new
members an agreement to sign to
say they agree to the rules of
Outsiders and agree to our criteria.
This states that we are not
equipped to accept people as
members who cannot manage
their own personal affairs or fully
understand the ethos of Outsiders
or fill in the application form themselves
because of learning
disabilities, brain damage or mental
health problems.
They also sign to agree that they are not sexist, racist, homophobic or transphobic and are not discriminatory towards people with disabilities.
We think it is very important for
members to be aware of this and
understand that we will not tolerate
any communications or behaviour
that breaks these rules.
If you want people to accept you
and be tolerant towards you, then
you need to ensure that your
attitude to others is exemplary.
Equally, if members are rude or
discriminatory towards you, this
will not be tolerated so please let
us know. Your feedback will be
welcome and treated in confidence.
Outsiders has reached the
conclusion that we are not
equipped to cater for people with
learning disabilities, brain injury or
severe mental health problems.
Such people are no longer
accepted as members, but they
are signposted to other social
groups. This means that we need
to list all the social groups around
the country, and your help is needed
in compiling these lists! Just
sending us the names of groups
and clubs near you will be
extremely valuable to us.
We are also keen to keep a list of social groups for people with Aspergers and other neuro-diverse members who might benefit from additional support and opportunities.
Those of you who have computers and internet access
are in for a big surprise, as the Outsiders website is
bursting into a new persona. It is my 30th birthday
present to Outsiders. I hope you all love it, and that it
attracts a fabulous collection of new members, one of
whom will be Mr or Miss Right for You.
It’s been a long journey, but I remembered the best web
designer I have ever used, a lovely girl called Zoe, who
is actually a costume designer and graphic designer.
She has taken a little while to do the work because
she’s been busy swanning around the south coast in a vintage Rolls
Royce with her new boyfriend, John (Paul McCartney’s right hand man!).
The new site was inspired by the Couchsurfing website which impressed me because, although it’s for people to offer their couches to world travellers, it also inspires its members to make the world a better place. I thought this is exactly what the Outsiders site should be doing. Instead of moaning on about the sad lot that disabled people feel they have been dealt in this world, it now shows how we are going to improve the world by becoming more active, spreading a humanitarian message of acceptance of people for who they are inside, rather than superficial looks, money and status.
So many disability and charity websites are actually aimed at funders, which I hope you agree is appalling. Good practice states that the beneficiaries should come first but obviously that goes out of the window when you want as much funding as possible to pay for all their high salaries.
I also thought that it was important for disabibity charities to be accessible to all. Recently I have stumbled across several charity websites where they don’t even spell out the full name of the charity, they just use the initials.
I hope Outsiders always stays accessible and loyal to our beneficiaries. If not, sack us!
Caroline Bowditch
is a dancer,
performance artist
and choreographer
who works for the
Scottish Dance
Theatre in Dundee,
and tours Scotland
teaching dance to
disabled people.
Caroline was born
in Melbourne,
Australia, with
Brittle Bones —
Osteogenesis
Imperfecta, or OI for short.
She is a beautiful, stylish,
confident, generous, fun-loving
lady, living in a lovely spacious flat
by the Firth of Tay. She says her
strong sense of self came from her
mum allowing her to take risks,
and getting encouragement from
the few teachers in both her
special and mainstream schools
who saw her potential and pushed
her forward.
Caroline went on from school to
Deakin University in Melbourne
and studied performing arts.
Twenty years later, in 2008, she
was flown back there to talk about
how the arts can take things to
new kinds of places.
She met the disability activist Tom
Shakespeare in Melbourne, and came to Britain in
2002 to marry him
and live in Newcastle.
Since then, she has
become a happily
single, bisexual sex
goddess. She says:
“All my boyfriends have been disabled and all my girlfriends have been nondisabled. I don’t know if that says something about me, or them!"
Billed as “The Divine Caroline
Bowditch”, she was Mistress of
Ceremonies for the Divine Disabled
Divas in the Mimosa Festival at
The Sage, Gateshead. The photograph
of Caroline used to publicise
this performance, was Belinda
Mason-Lovering’s famous picture
of her, called “Lil’ Devil”, featured
here.
Caroline is regularly a spokesperson on raising disabled people’s expectations. It was this that inspired the Outsiders’ new name for our events, “Great Expectations”.
In her dance career, Caroline has been mentored by Adam Benjamin (CandoCo) and she helped create and performed in Adam’s ‘Angels of Incidence’. She has lso been mentored by Yael Flexer (Bedlam Dance). Caroline participated in The Dancers Project 2005 (The Place) and underwent training on the Cultural Shift project 2005 (East London Dance). She has choreographed and performed as ‘girl jonah’ with Fiona Wright and is a founder member of Weave Movement Theatre (Melbourne) and The FATHoM Project (Newcastle).
In 2008, Caroline was appointed
Dance Agent for Change by
Scottish Dance Theatre for a two
year period. Her role is to change
the way people in Scotland think
about dance, about who can dance
and about the way disabled people
are involved in dance. She says:
“Dance is not about being careful at all, so it was really nice contrast for me to be physically pushing myself and finding out what I actually could do, what my body does do, what it could do that it hasn’t been doing.
So many people have no body
awareness at all. I think, ‘how
much time do you actually spend
out of your chair?’. Not in bed, not
in the shower. Disabled people
can become so static and I’m quite
interested in pushing that. And
I think I’ve always quite liked the
idea of being places I shouldn’t
have been.”
Caroline would love to hear from anybody who is interested in dance – you can call 01382 342600.
2nd Saturday in the month at Leon, 7 Canvey Street, Blue Fin Building, (Behind the Tate Modern and off Sumner Street) Bankside, London SE1 9AN. Tel 020 7620 0036. Leon won the Observer Best Newcomer Award and was described thus by Giles Coren in The Times: “It’s a miracle, Leon is the future”.
This restaurant is spacious and
airy, with a huge outdoor eating
area, total wheelchair access,
interesting, healthy, cheap food,
and obliging staff.
Men’s and mixed workshops are
usually held around 3pm. There
can be a special table for women
and for members of the LGBTI.
Leon is almost equi-distant (but not very close to Southwark (closest), London Bridge, Borough and Blackfriars tubes. It’s actually a very exciting walk from London Bridge, through the vivid colour of Borough Market and along the river. We will be including riverside and Tate Modern excursions when members feel the urge to wander. The RV1 bus goes between London Bridge, past Southwark Street (just south of the restaurant), Waterloo and the Strand and Covent Garden.
There is disabled parking and
other free parking nearby.
The Union Car Park is at 53
Southwark Street, London, SE1
1RU. Phone 020 73786639
The Tate Modern carpark is nearer
and disabled drivers can book your
car in by calling 020 7887 8888.
Held on the first Saturday of every
month at the Old Orleans, 80
Broad Street, Birmingham B15
1AU. Tel 0121 633 0144. Joint
lunches with the West Country in
Cheltenham (see below)
Contact Steve Major on 07092 386 789 or 07919 437 097 or stevemajor@hotmail.com.
West Country events are run by a team of volunteers, with Sarah Batten as secretary. Sarah can be texted on 07505 606 408 or emailed on westcountryoutsiders@ yahoo.com.
The Yorkshire group
is active again and has found a
new venue in Sheffield: The
Showroom Café Bar. It is just up
the hill from the Station, past the
waterfalls. The Showroom is in an
impressive 1930s Art Deco building,
at the heart of Sheffield’s cultural quarter, and part of a four
screen independent
cinema called Workstation.
The Showroom is a stylish café bar, wheelchair accessible (including the toilet), has a varied but cheap menu, serves booze as well as teas and coffees and a wide variety of freshly prepared meals and snacks, with several vegetarian options available. The café/bar has good acoustics and the staff are really friendly. 7 Paternoster Row. Sheffield, S1 2BX, 0114 221 0239
Bi-monthly on the 3rd Saturday of every other month. Next lunches will be:
The Ipswich lunch is small but bijou, hosted by the effervescent Maz. 12.30pm — 5pm at the Royal George in Colchester Road (A1214) at Sidegate Lane beside the fire station. There is an accessible toilet and excellent food. Bus No 11 goes from Ipswich town centre and there is parking.
The first Highland event will be in Inverness on Saturday 6th June 2-6pm. It will be hosted by the famous disabled dancer Caroline Bowditch who will also be performing during the afternoon. The flyer has been designed by Highland pop artist Michael Forbes. Venue: Maverick's Bar and Restaurant (wheelchair accessible) 5-9 Young Street, just south of the river in Central Inverness (we selected Inverness because it's good for transport links). Future events on the 4th Saturday in every month (beginning June) in venues to suit the guests.
Sunday 12th July at Walton Hall, Higher Walton, Warrington, Cheshire. Join us in running the Outsiders Stall!
24th to 28th June 2009. Outsiders will be running Pleasure Island in the disability field, a sanctuary of peace, love safety and cleanliness.
James Warham is arranging some outings for members. The first is tea at Lauderdale House Café in Waterlow Park, Highgate Village, North London on Saturday 27th June at 2pm. The café is outdoor but covered. The second is a visit to the Kite Festival on Sunday 13th of September. See http://www.kitefestival.org.uk/visitor-info.
James will most likely be staying overnight in a nearby Travelodge. Then, in October James will be at the National Kidney Federation conference. Please let James know if you are interested in coming to any of these on (phone) 07788 584 46 or (email) wapmad@ hotmail.com.
Great Expectations Celebration of Outsiders 30th Anniversary in London, on Saturday 22nd August at 2pm to 9pm.
Please come along dressed to the nines. We begin in the Grand Ballroom at The Landmark, 222 Marylebone Road London, NW1 6JQ. There is a car park beneath the hotel and an entrance is a few yards from Marylebone Station, a short ride from Paddington. Tea and entertainment including performance, a Sensory Fashion Show (more models welcome) and Pleasure Islands where each guest offers treats to the others. Mirror Mirror Playback Theatre and Extant will be performing, ending in dancing and more fun. At 6pm we go over the road to the Occo restaurant, 58 Crawford Street, London W1. Members’ dinners will be sponsored so that you won’t need to pay the full price. Disabled parking in Chapel Street, at either end of Transept Street and Crawford Place, and meters (free after 6.30) in Homer Street, Crawford Street & Crawford Place. See Invitation on pages 39 & 40.
There will be a holiday in Blackpool at the New Mayfair Hotel in the
week commencing September 14th
Bed, Breakfast and Evening Dinner
Come and enjoy with us the world famous Blackpool Illuminations. Organised by Steve Major. Contact Steve Major on 07092 386 789 or 07919 437 097 stevemajor@hotmail.com.
The Royal Society of Medicine on Friday 13th November 2009.
From Eugene Rodrique:
I write to refute Tuppy Owens’
recent bold article on brothels, to
make the case that prostitutes
cannot help disabled people. Many
working women are reluctant to
engage wholeheartedly with
disabled people. Because their
services are based on time, the
pleasures of foreplay are left out,
plus there needs to be chemistry
between lovers for the sex to be
satisfying.
One should not forget that sex
dolls have become much more
sophisticated in the last few
decades and there’s a growing number of men and women who
have fallen in love with dolls
(Agalmatophilia) and are sexually
satisfied by them. Compare this
with an expensive and loveless
encounter with a hooker.
Two underlying factors cause
disabled people to lose out in the
love stakes. One is the inability to
socialise, which Outsiders provides
well for. The other issue is lookism,
the last bastion of human
inequality. In the 1970's some
radical left groups in Germany
coined the term but could provide
no real solution.
Disabled people suffer from
lookism because of the of the
inherent nature of the human
instinct. If the Transhumanists are
right, only a world where instinct
has been taken away will we all
become equal. But such ideas are
for the next millennium. Right now,
we have to address the problem of
lookism through education, the
media and protest, so that there
are no longer the “haves” and the
“have nots.”
From Eleni Stephani:
We all discussed the photo of
Frank Moore and Linda in orgasmic
ecstasy, which appeared on the
back cover of the last issue of
INSIDE. Several of us found it
offensive. The idea of a disabled
person having sex is still a taboo,
but this was nothing to do with it.
To be brutally honest it made me feel uneasy as the couple were
ungroomed and un- attractive.
I enjoy looking at beautiful things that make me feel sexy in myself. The photo had the opposite effect on me, but maybe the reason for the photo to be taken was to shock and in that respect it's a good thing! (Don’t encourage me! The back page picture has become my expression of glee and relief that the mag is at last finished! Ed)
Left to Right: Trustee Martin Craven, Tuppy
Owens, Tulloch Kempe & Robert Eldridge
Photo: Paula Wolfers
The 2008 AGM was held on 10th January 2009 at Leon Bankside before the London Lunch. Members, Trustees and other interested parties gathered around a large table.Tulloch Kempe made his parting speech to everyone, talking about how his year with Outsiders was a continual reminder of the choices one makes in use of time, because he felt he never had enough time to do all the things he wanted to do for us. The trustees in turn spoke about their involvement in Outsiders, and were re-elected, as was the accountant. Questions were answered and Tuppy gave a short resumé of news items. Then everyone relaxed and enjoyed the lunch.
Volunteer training continues to help
improve our lunches and events.
We meet every two months and
discuss ways to welcome new
people, help shy members come
out of themselves, and help bring
people with speech impairments
into conversations. The last group
discussed the book about shyness
which is reviewed in this issue of
INSIDE. We decided that each
issue of the magazine should
feature a book that might be helpful
to members. We also decided
that if people are disruptive at
events, they should be given the
chance to discuss their behaviour,
because sometimes people don't
realise the impact they have on a
group. The group had to be
reminded that we all take equal
responsibility for the working of the
lunches and just because a more
experienced volunteer attends the
event, that doesn't mean you can
give up on helping out.
One member suggested that we play Consequences at the Lunch lunch in March, and this was extremely successful – everybody wanted to join in and it was a great laugh.
Extant Outsiders is working with Extant, the blind performance charity in training their actors to run sex and disability workshops.
Training THT Scotland Staff
Tuppy Owens and Caroline
Bowditch ran a training session
with the Terrence Higgins Trust
Scotland, letting them know about
Outsiders and disability issues. The
staff were very keen to ensure that
their offices were totally accessible
and Caroline offered to drop by
when in Glasgow and Aberdeen, to
ensure they were.
While we have been discussing the
30th Anniversary, there has been
little time for workshops but Vieta
ran one in February. She
encouraged all the men to practice
asking the women present out on dates, as role play, which gave the
men first hand experience, and the
women provided feedback.
SHADA Spring Meeting
This SHADA meeting took place on
Thursday March 19th in London.
Speakers included Linda Lewis
from ASBAH who spoke about
sexuality and Spina Bifida and
Hydrocephalus . She discussed the
problems of so many sb people
living at home with their parents
with no privacy or sexual
experience. Jackie Redding of the
Terrence Higgins Trust described
the history of THT work and how
they want to include physically disabled
people wherever possible.
Sam Hancock who works at KIDS
in Bristol showed us her board
game designed to help people with
disabilities discuss sex and learn
more about it. SHADA now has its
own website: www.shada.org.uk,
where you can read the minutes.
A Bristol SHADA group is being
started up by Katie Wilktshier
On Saturday 25 April 2009 six of us
gathered at Cafe Azur in the
Millennium Galleries, Arundel Gate,
Sheffield for our first Yorkshire
lunch. As well as myself, there was
Lee, Victoria, two women who had
heard about it from Independent
Living Sheffield (Dale and Anna)
who seemed very enthusiastic about Outsiders, and Marta
Hancock, an Outsiders member
who has never attended a lunch
before.
We were blessed with lovely
weather for the occasion and
everyone who attended said they
had really enjoyed the day.
The venue, although very
accessible and the staff were very
helpful, has proved in most
people’s opinion not to be suitable
as it was felt the prices were a little
steep and the acoustics were such
that it was difficult for people to
hear each other when chatting.
After lunch we moved to the nearby
pub, where it was easier for us
to chat. It was decided to switch
venues to another which was
recommended by two of us independently: The Showroom (see
forthcoming events).
Lee Carnall, one of our members
who had taken the trouble to travel
from London to join us for the
event, brought his camera, and
here are the photos. We all agreed
that our first lunch had been a
resounding success and we are
hoping to hold our second one
again in Sheffield at the Showroom
on Saturday 30 May so go on, why
not take the plunge and come
along and give it a try. We would
love to see you.
Great Expectations West Country took place on 16th May at the Old Car Wash Gallery in Tiverton, hosted by artist Katie Sarra and Outsiders founder Tuppy Owens.
Katie’s gallery is a Temple of the
Body, with paintings, sculptures,
installations and an auditorium
which resembled a scene out of
“Cabaret”.
It was great to meet some of our
members from the south west and
we hope to have future events in
Bodmin and Yeovil.
Paraplegic Damian Houston had
come along to join in, and interview
Katie and Tuppy for his Exeter
Community Radio show.
The lunch began with Freddie, a disabled singer guitarist (played in the Cornish band Steamer), and Grant a banjo player playing songs that we sang and tapped along too. This was followed by Mirror Mirror Playback Theatre who listened to our stories and then, miraculously, without rehearsal or even speaking to one another, re-enacted our lives. Damian told his story about how he had disappeared down a crevice whilst skiiing and broke his back, and this was enacted for us, to stunning effect.
Sandwiches were made by local volunteers (friends of the band). The day was quite a culture shock for most of us which is, after all, sometimes a good thing.
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William joined Outsiders many years ago and he was a treasured member.
He became a great friend of our
Trustee, Kim Bauckham and
helped out at our fundraising
events. William was 50 when he
died but had retained his boyish
smile, freckles and snub nose, and
had a personality to suit his face,
always sweet. William struggled to
get girlfriends but he did have one
for a while, who sadly died. He
developed a growth in his tummy
which was nick-named “the brick”.
Doctors told William they could remove it once he lost weight but William liked his cakes and sweets. William was a spokesperson for Respond, touring the country talking about bullying, and he was always very vocal in our workshops.
It was not until his funeral that we discovered how many different organisations he belonged to and different sets of friends he had. William died on 28th December 2008 of a heart attack whilst out partying with friends, so he even went out happy!
Outsiders has also recently lost: Tony Kilshaw, Michael Wheatley, Mary Russell and Malcolm Freeman.
Getting involved with Outsiders will bring you into meaningful contact with some lovely people. Working together bonds people. Here are some ways you can help:
During the recession, Outsiders is surviving on peanuts, making the most of all the goodwill of our members and the Outsiders Support Network. This is a huge group of people you might find yourself working beside.
If this all sounds too much, just start giving us feedback on the progress of your journey. Seeking help from more experienced members will increase the self-help value of Outsiders. Soon, you'll be the one giving support and advice!
This is an interview with Jules, a
newly blind man who lives in
Doncaster. He joined Outsiders
and found love. He is wonderfully
open about the more fun-loving
sides of his life, and reveals the
basic needs of a red-blooded blind
male. Interview by Tuppy Owens
Tuppy: Jules, tell me how you lost
your sight and what happened as a
result.
Jules: I was diagnosed with
Retinitis Pigmentosa aged 19 and
was told it might slowly get worse.
I was OK for about 15 years and
then my sight deteriorated quite
quickly. My wife could not cope and
we got divorced.
Tuppy: Do you blame your wife for
the breakup?
Jules: No, she could not cope
with the situation and I didn’t do
much to help myself. I made no
effort to learn how to do things, like
find objects I needed. I relied on
her and tried to do everything I had
always done, but failed. Going
blind was a big shock.
Tuppy: Oh, so it was not that she
was ashamed to have a blind
husband?
Jules: Not at all, she’s a very
down-to-earth person and works
in a care home. She was trying to
encourage me but I was too
depressed. Getting divorced was
the best thing for me, in one way,
because it forced me to face up to
things. I was re-housed, registered
blind, got my bus pass, learned
how to fend for myself and gained
more confidence.
Tuppy: Did you not get any help
from social services or blind
agencies such as the RNIB when
your first lost your sight?
Jules: Nothing. RNIB are good
with young people and really old
people but not people like me, in
between.
Tuppy: That is disgraceful.
Somebody who loses their sight
and is depressed needs support.
Do you think that, had you received
the best possible support from
professionals, and if your wife had
too, your marriage would have broken
up?
Jules: No, I don’t think it would,
as our marriage was itself strong.
Tuppy: That just proves to me that
there is much work to be done. So,
tell me, once you had moved on
and gained confidence, what did you do?
Jules:I got a guide dog and was
able to get out and about. I would
go to the pub and have a laugh but
would end up talking to the same
people and they were all men.
I could never find any women.
I hadn’t realised how important eye
contact is. The best thing that ever
happened was that I joined
Outsiders.
Tuppy: How did you find us?
Jules: Through Malcolm
Matthews’ Jubilee Club talking
newspaper for blind people. They
mention Outsiders quite often.
Once I had joined Outsiders, I got
the membership list on tape and
was able to contact women by
telephoning them. I made a few
telephone friends, who I was in
touch on a regular basis. The only
thing we had in common was that
we were very depressed, but that
was OK, what I needed at the time.
Then Janet in Outsiders called me
and gave me the number of a blind
girl called Melanie, and the rest is
history.
Tuppy: It’s great to hear of the club
working so well. Could it have been
better?
Jules: It was sometimes
frustrating that so many of the
interesting women on the
membership list did not include
their phone numbers. It would be
nice if someone could have asked
these women to phone me,
because I felt I was missing out.
Tuppy:We’d need a team of mini-
Janets to do this phoning for us,
but we could – I will suggest it.
Was it instant love with Melanie?
Jules:We got on like a house on
fire on the phone and then we
planned to meet at the
Windermere Manor Hotel in The
Lake District. Action for Blind run
four such hotels around the
country and they are great. That
was six months ago and we are
blissfully happy. We meet up
regularly, at my place, hers or in a
hotel and life is wonderful. I am no
longer depressed. The only problem
is going away with the dogs.
Tuppy: What’s it like in bed if
neither of you can see?
Jules:I use my memory to
visualise, and still involve imagery
but mostly we tell each other what
we are thinking and fantasising
about and enjoy the physical
sensations including touch.
Melanie found some erotic CDs
that we listen to. Most are hardcore,
though some are not.
Tuppy: That's amazing, where are
these available from?
Jules:From the Toronto sex store
“Come as you Are” Audio link. You
can get Between the Sheets 8 CD
collection of erotic stories for only
$32.95. Here is the link." http://www.comeasyouare.com/index.cfm?&fa=catalog.show&spage=booksaudio
Tuppy: I am really keen to
instigate a book about personal
pleasures and blindness, and hope
you can help. What do you think
are the most important things to
say?
Jules: Contacts with other people
are important. We still need help
from sighted people to act as
intermediaries, Outsiders, for
example, is essential.
Tuppy: I think if you had had a bit
more confidence when you were in
the pub, you could have asked
your mates if there were any
women in the pub looking your
way. In other words, you can ask
anyone to be an intermediary. That
is how I started Outsiders in fact,
by helping Soundaround's Nigel
Verbeek to find ladies when he was
newly blind. What else?
Jules: Peer support. When I first
lost my sight, this would have been
much better than being helped by
professionals, who just deal with
the basic practicalities rather than
personal stuff. It would have been
good to be linked up with someone
who I could talk about anything
with, to share my grief and learn
from.
Tuppy:I agree. I think it's also a
shame that occupational therapists
and other health professionals
never ask about a newly disabled
person's private life and offer support. Did you get such support
from the Jubilee Club?
Jules: No. Most of the services
for blind people are very
conservative. Which brings me to
the next thing. I would like to meet
more blind people to socialise with
me and Melanie. Most couples like
to hang out with friends who are in
a similar position with similar
tastes. We have a great time
together but sometimes we want to
have a laugh in a group. I think
there should be clubs for sexy blind
people, even swing clubs for blind
people perhaps.
Tuppy: That is a really interesting
idea. Rather like Ann Summers
parties for blind couples, where the
suspender belts don't feature but
other things take their place! You
can explore non-visual excitement
like sighted people would never
understand or appreciate.
Jules: Exactly, but it's a matter of
meeting the right blind people first!
Tuppy: Is there anything that
being blind makes really difficult
socialising with sighted people?
Jules: Well, there is the usual
problem of making a prat of
yourself. Just walking along with
the dog, you hear someone say
“hello” and it turns out they were
not talking to you at all, but they
were on their mobile phone. Or
you're at the bar having a
conversation and the barman tells
you that you're speaking into thin air, as your companion has gone
off to the toilet. People need to use
touch more with blind people, to let
us know you are there.
Tuppy: OK, but to get this
message out to the masses, blind
people need to ask for people to
touch them. What is the best thing
to say?
Jules: “Don't be frightened to give
me a tap on the arm, or show your
affection with a hug”, is what
I would say. Some people are
really uptight with blind friends,
perhaps they are just shy or standoffish
but it upsets me. Touch adds
an important dimension to my life.
Having a girlfriend is enormously
important but I would like to feel
physically connected to all the
people around me. This is
especially crucial when we say
goodbye. Everybody else sees the
wave and the smile, but blind
people can't, and we feel let down.
We need a hug.
Tuppy: Thank you Jules. Let's do the book! And Hug, Hug, Hug!
If any other blind or partially
sighted people would like to be
interviewed for a book on this
subject, please contact Tuppy
Owens. She thinks the book should
be called “Feeling You Feeling Me”.
What do you think?
And if anybody has any ideas on where the book should be published, to reach as many people as possible, send in your ideas.
Outsiders Co-Founder Nigel
Verbeek retires from
SoundaroundOutsiders started when Tuppy's work colleague, Nigel Verbeek lost his sight. She helped him meet new women, take a massage course and get active. Nigel went on to found Britain's first talking newspaper, Soundaround, which is still going strong. Sadly, Nigel has been nudged out and may become homeless as the current Trustees want to move Soundaround away. The good news is that one of his original Trustees, John Whitney (who was MD of Capital Radio and Director General of the Independent Broadcasting Authority) held a Retirement Dinner for Nigel at the Garrick Club. Guests included Dr Tuppy Owens (Outsiders) Joanna Lumley (actress and campaigner, who had come straight from a meeting with the PM at No10) and Lesley-Anne Alexander (Chief Executive at the RNIB).
The government is currently
revising its policy on sex education
in schools and Outsiders is hoping
to influence them to ensure that
young people with physical
disabilities feel included. Sex education
needs to be presented to
them in relation to their
disabilities, and addressing their
particular needs and problems. If
you have anything you would like
to say on this, please let us know.
Clare Richards who made the
award-winning documentary about
Outsiders, “Disabled and Looking
for Love” is now planning another
great documentary — this time
about disabled people using sex
workers. It is inspired by the website
www.tlc-org.uk.
Clare is looking for disabled people who would like to be on television going to see a sex worker, and discussing their needs. She would also like to film a group of women who would sit down together and discuss the pros and cons of using a sex worker. If you are interested, please call Clare on 07866 758 740.
A preview of the galleries on our new website: -
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Bodies of Difference is an ongoing
collection of black and white
photographs that London
photographer Ashley began for his
degree show, and wants to expand
on. He is hoping Outsiders
members might like to model for
him. He would like to hear from
people who are visually physically
different or disabled. The photo
sessions can take place in his
London studio, on location or in
the model's home. The focus of the work is disability and sexuality
and, although some degree of
nudity will be necessary, it is
hoped the resulting images will
reflect aspects of the personality
and lifestyle of the individual. Here
are some examples of his
work.You can see more on
www.savageskin.co.uk.
To contact Ashley, call 020 7229
2944, 07506 342 700 or by mail
Garden Flat, 20 Lonsdale Road,
London W11 2DE.
See Me is West Country Katie
Sarra's oil painting project, started
in 2008 at the Outsiders tent at the
Glastonbury festival. Katie was
painting disabled festival-goers,
including Baz Lightning,
the painting here. Baz had become
disabled after being hit by lightning,
and told his amazing story
while Katie painted him. She
quickly realised the therapeutic
power of painting people who may
not have previously received
positive attention paid to their
bodies. She says, “It has been
described by some of the people
who I've painted as like making
love without touch. My brush is
energetically connected with every
curve and shadow. The model's
flesh can blossom and glow and
I paint that. We can play in this
space and explore and potentially
heal self-conscious inhibitions.
Each relationship is unique and
universal like giving birth.“ Contact
Katie on 07968 473006 or via her
site www.katiesarra.com
Theatre can empower disabled people and heal the gap between us and the rest of society. We have selected those performers and troupes that are closest to our hearts and give you a flavour of they way they have blossomed over recent decades.
Agent for Change at the Scottish Dance Theatre
| In 2008, Caroline Bowditch was appointed as Dance Agent for Change by Scottish Dance Theatre for a two year period. Her role is to change the way people in Scotland think about dance, about who can dance and about the way disabled people are involved in dance. She creates opportunities for disabled people to dance in Scotland. Her own shows include “The Long and the Short of it” and “girl jonah, She was a knife thrower’s assistant”. |
Candoco  |
London’s contemporary dance company of disabled and non-disabled dancers. Candoco aims to excite by being daring, inspire by being excellent and question by being diverse. “Candoco reinvented the boundaries of dance by proving that virtuosity wasn’t confined to the able bodied.” Judith Mackrell, The Guardian. |
Chinese Disabled Peoples’Performing Art Troupe  |
Founded in 1987 to advance equal opportunity for artistic expression for disabled people. Their guiding principle is the pursuit of truth, honesty and virtue. The troupe has produced many programmes such as “My Dream”, and performed in more than 60 countries. They have been described as the “Image Ambassador for People with Disabilities” by the Disabled People’s World Assembly and awarded the “UNESCO Artist for Peace” |
The Crippendales  |
This TV documentary was made in 2006 by award-winning Havana Marking (of “Afghan Star” fame) and screened on Channel 4 on 25th March 2007. Inspired by an idea by Mat Fraser, a group of disabled men were selected and trained by Jo King, to perform in a male striptease contest in Brighton. |
Croi Glan Integrated Dance Company  |
Based in Cork, performing works
using both disabled and able-bodied
dancers, by producing high
calibre work which tours nationally
and internationally. Croi Glan also
provides an educational program
that offers integrated dance to people with disabilities and ablebodied dancers through introductory workshops, ongoing classes and vocational training. |
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The Erotic Awards is a fundraising
venture based in London, raising
money for Outsiders. Launched in
1994, it honours the Stars in the
Erotic Universe, welcoming
nominations from disabled people They hold SHOWCASE and take part in the Night of the Senses. Disabled performers include the blind poet Michelle Taylor-The Sex Goddess (2000), deaf performer Tomato (2001), disabled actor, Nabil Shaban as Woolfgang (pictured here) and the Tao Warriors who included a dancer with body burns (2003), performer Al Batros (2005) Mat Fraser and wheelchair user Lee Kemp striptease artists, (2008) WheeliChic Chix, fashion designer, and burlesque dancer with MS, Miss Diva Hollywood (2008). They will feature the disabled dancer Caroline Bowditch in 2010. |
Extant  |
Formed in 1997, Extant is the opposite of extinct, a group of professional visually impaired artists, working to redress their invisibility as artists and explore new creative territories. Extant brings new cultural perspectives of Visual Impairment . For example, themes of sexual identity in its Show Girl project, funded by the Arts Council England, using comedy and burlesque as tools to find integrated creative access for the performers and audience. Extant won the Arts & Business Diversity Award 2007. |
Matt Fraser |
Rock Drummer for 15 years before
he joined Graeae to become an
actor. Martial Artist, Live Artist and
Striptease Artist of the Year 2007. Co-Presenter of Ouch!, Mat has done loads of telly and theatre. He wrote and performed in “Sealboy:Freak”, about freak shows and another one-man show called “From Freak To Clique” about the not so changing face of disability portrayal throughout the ages. Recent touring show: the awardwinning yet oft misunderstood “Thalidomide!! A Musical”. MC for The Erotic Awards and produces the “Mat Fraser’s Sex Variety Cabaret”. |
Graeae Theatre Company |
Graeae Theatre is the British pioneering group of artists and managers with physical and sensory impairments. Founded by Nabil Shaban and Richard Tomlinson in 1980, they named it from Greek mythology. The company has become the most well-respected group of its kind and in 1984 they won a Special Award in the Evening Standard Awards. See here for more. |
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Founded in 1986 and based at the Albany Theatre in London, this national touring company of fourteen professional, learning disabled, actors and musicians. have forged a name for themselves on the international stage. The theatre has pioneered an original and innovative way of working, using contemporary music, theatre and club culture, providing a ladder of opportunity for people with learning disabilities to realise their talents and personal potential. |
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Eight members of Kaleidoscope (six of whom have Down'sSyndrome) live and work together all year round in a rambling house in Shropshire. The Kaleidoscope Theatre was founded by Carolyne and John Revell as the first company of its kind, in 1980, with its first play before an audience of fifty. Six years on, they had sell-out shows at the RSC's Swan Theatre in Stratford-upon-Avon and in the autumn of '92 the company flew halfway around the world to play in Yokohama's finest theatre before an audience of one thousand. |
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Annual event organised by the Cultural Agency for Art, Culture and Disability Equality in the North East of England, raising the profile of disabled artists work, to ensure that disabled people can fully participate in all aspects of British cultural life at all levels. Features stars such as Tom Shakespeare and comedians such as Lawrence Clark and Liz Carr. |
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A Blind Theatre Company in Zagreb, Croatia, now celebrating the sixth decade of performance by blind and visually impaired actors. |
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A one-person show written and performed by Canadian Lyle Victor Albert at The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington DC. Vic shares his experiences as a teenager with Cerebral Palsy . For Vic, the seemingly simple act of shaving becomes a turning point in accepting his Cerebral Palsy and pushing himself and his physical abilities. The challenge of shaving propels Vic to explore growing pains common to teenagers: parents, high school, and decisions about life after high school. |
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Disabled political actor who has starred in many mainstream stage and TV productions, including Shakespeare, “Godspell” and “Dr Who”. Nabil was the co-founder of Graeae and took part in the first film about Outsiders, “The Skin Horse“. He also wrote a play about Outsiders which was shown at the Red Lion, Islington. Recently, he played Mack the Knife in Brecht's "Threepenny Opera", for which he was nominated Critics' Best Actor in Scottish Theatre. He played Siegfried in his own play, “The First To Go”, about disabled people in Nazi Germany, which toured Scotland in 2008. His film company Sirius Pictures produced “The Alien Who Lived in the Sheds” for the BBC. Nabil currently lives in Edinburgh with his partner Marcela. He was awarded an Honorary Doctorate from the University of Surrey for his revolutionary work within the performing arts, in changing public perceptions of disabled people. |
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A moving, award-winning
documentary which follows a group
of 40 intellectually disabled actors
preparing to perform at the Sydney
Opera House in 1979, where audiences were spellbound. The performers had broken free from the bleakness of their institutionalised lives and gained remarkable new skills, got fitted for costumes and rehearsed for a musical version of Madame Butterfly. The film shows the beauty and wonder of their own self discovery, their hopes and loves. Stepping Out (1980), was made by Chris Noonan, with music by Keith Jarrett for Film Australia. It has been shown worldwide, translated into 18 foreign languages and won the 1980 UNESCO Prize. |
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An Australian Melbourne-based dance/movement company of people with and without physical disabilities and acquired brain injury. Weave ubverts audiences’ expectations and challenges conventional ways of seeing dance performance and disability. They also present workshops and training days designed to both engage people with a disability in the arts and build the capacity of the arts sector to include people of all abilities. |
Through Outsiders patron Malcolm Pearce, Tuppy met broadcaster, voice-over artist and speech trainer, Joanne Crosse. Joanne also writes books on speech, and was keen to include issues around disability in her new book, ‘Find Your Voice’. The book is about how people have found their voice through different ways throughout their lives, and the obstacles they have had to overcome in doing so. Tuppy thought that our member, Sarah Batten should be included, and Joanne agreed. This article is Sarah’s report on how it all went
“I guess I was nervous about
meeting this complete stranger so
I selected a public place and my
carer was with me, so it was
perfectly safe. Jo was really nice,
bubbly and articulate. She
explained that she was a voice
coach and had written a few books
before on different aspects of
speech.
I think Jo thought she would get my story there and then, but even with the Lightwriter, it wasn’t going to happen. I told Jo about a few situations where I had to find my voice one way or another, which seemed to be the kind of thing she wanted. We agreed I would type out my story and send it to her via email."
I started at the beginning:
‘I am Sarah Batten, aged 37, and
I have Cerebral Palsy which affects
my speech. When I was little,
I shared a room with my older
brother. I used to make some
weird and wonderful noises, which
he would copy. Then he reversed
the situation, so I would copy the
sounds that he made. His sounds
became words and I vividly
remember him teaching me how
to say ‘aeroplane’. My brother
broke the word into three syllables
and I said each syllable after him.
This is how I learnt to talk.
My Mum has always encouraged
and expected me, in a positive
way, to use my voice. Mum was
the first person who got me to spell
a word out if she couldn’t
understand me, and resorted to
going through the alphabet if need
be.
My brother and I didn’t always get
on, like most brothers and sisters,
we would argue and fight.
Sometimes if my brother didn’t
want to hear what I was saying he
would sing over my voice. This
really annoyed me and I would end
up kicking and screaming. He
heard me then!
During my early years I was in and out of hospital with severe Asthma . Mum would ask them not to dothings to me unless she was there, but they still did. They would try giving me an injection or putting tubes up my nose, without telling me or explaining anything to me. My reaction was to scream and thrash about because I hated what they were doing, I was scared and I wanted my Mum. It was an extreme way of using my voice; nevertheless it was still using my voice to try and communicate something.
At primary school, a special school
in Bristol, they wanted me to use a
bliss symbol board rather than
using my voice. So they spent
a lot of time teaching me loads of
bliss symbols and how to use a
bliss board, meanwhile I wasn’t
talking at school at all. When I got
home from school I had to have ten
minutes with Mum just talking to her about my day, to let it all out.
I remember going to look round my
future secondary school in Kent
and the Head Nurse asked how
I communicated. Mum said I used
a bliss board; but I did have
speech that wasn’t too bad once
people got ‘tuned in’; and if
possible I would prefer to use my
speech. The Head Nurse was
pleased and said the school much
preferred students used their own
speech where possible. I never
used the bliss board again.
I have never been confident about talking to new people who aren’t used to my speech. I hate the loud silences when people don’t understand what I’m saying and don’t know to ask me to spell it out. My school reports always said they wished I would contribute to class discussions, but I hardly ever did. I was content to sit and listen. The school speech therapist tried to increase my confidence with talking to new people, but it never really worked! There were only a few people at school that I felt confident to talk to, I was fine about this but other people weren’t.
The only communication aid I had
through secondary school and
college was a small alphabet
board. I flatly refused to use
speech synthesiser, thinking they
were big and would make me look
more disabled. Also I thought the
people I wanted to understand me
could understand me, — it didn’t
matter about other people.
However, in my twenties I was
going to pubs and clubs; but
because my voice is rather quiet
and the music was so loud, not
even my carer could hear or
understand me let alone strangers.
My carer was meeting people and
making friends, but I wasn’t.
It became more and more apparent that I needed to consider having a speech synthesiser. Luckily for me things had moved on. The Lightwriter is reasonably compact and easily slots on to my wheelchair.’
I put humour into the piece, especially when explaining some of the strange thing some carers have said and done; simply because looking back they are highly amusing! I explained how things are today:
‘I am still the quiet one in groups of
people, but now I don’t mind talking
to people I don’t know using the
Lightwriter. The Lightwriter is
invaluable in some situations, but
in other situations it’s a slow
method of communication. I have
known someone to ask me a
question, then as I’m typing the
answer they have got up, walked
off and not come back. Most
people get it right, though. They
will talk to me and while I type my
but they may chat to someone else,
but they will always turn back to
see what I’ve said. The Lightwriter
enables me to interview
prospective carers myself, which
I would never have done before. As the questions are programmed
into the Lightwriter, it makes it
easier and quicker to use in that
situation.
Since the age of nineteen I have
lived in a Liveability flat just outside
Bristol. I live independently with
social service and private carers
coming in at various times. I ave
been going horse riding for about
fifteen years, through which I’ve
done dressage competitions and
have got four Riding and Stable
Management certificates. I am a
member and secretary of the local
Rotaract club. Rotaract combines
social events with raising money
for charity. Most of the members
have got the hang of the
Lightwriter. Some members werewary at first, but once they had
seen the Lightwriter in use they
grew in confidence around me.
I do a couple of hours a week at
the local community centre, where
I type up leaflets for the community
garden. I am also a member and
one of the local co-organisers for
Outsiders.’
Jo was really pleased with my
piece, as she wants her book to
make people think “Oh my God
I’ve done that with disabled people,
but now I understand, I won’t do
that again”. It’s just about
educating people, which is why I’m
really glad I did it.”
And so are we.
We’re Going 4 It is a new social
club for people with physical
disabilities living in South West
Surrey. The group meets once a
month for activities and excursions
at St Mark’s Church Hall, Guildford
Road, Normandy, Guildford GU3
2DA (between Aldershot and
Guildford). If you would like to meet
new people, make new friends and
pursue new interests why not join
us and, if you are willing, help out
or join our committee. Please
contact: Paul Harris on 01252
501948 for further information
going4itsurrey@ntlworld.com or www.going4itsurrey.ning.com.
Social Space is a place where
disabled people can go online to
chat about anything and everything
(including disability issues) and
have fun. So far we have around
40 members and it’s becoming
very popular. The website address
is: www.socialspace.co.uk/
Bond Hotel is a wheelchair
accessible hotel in Blackpool with
great holiday offers for disabled
people. 120 Bond Street, Blackpool
FY4 1HG. Tel: (01253) 341218
sales@bondhotel.co.uk or www.bondhotel.co.uk
Intimate Rider is a new gadget for
disabled people to use for enjoying
sexual intercourse if they cannot
manage the movements themselves.
It consists of a chair and
couch which can move in and out
against each other. It is fully
adaptable and has colourful
slip-covers and packs away for
storage. It was created in the USA
and is available in the UK from
Steve Dent at Spokz, PO Box
14004, Sutton Coldfield, B73 9LJ
I have to be honest here: I’m not
big into fetish – in fact I’m a real
part-timer. If I’m really honest, I’d
say the main reason I occasionally
go to such places is to be able to
dress up sexily. Also, it’s nice to
meet a crowd who accept me for
who I am rather than just seeing
the wheelchair. From what I can
see ‘freaks’ are very welcome at
fetish parties. Also, although the
scene is dominated by S&M, there
are other types of fet ravers. For
example, I went to one club and
met people into shoes, feet, and
cute frilly knickers.
Anyway, firstly there’s a club called Subversion, held in a smallish London venue near the City with three floors. On the ground floor, the DJ’s played a mix of dirty house and electro, while in the upstairs ‘playrooms’, all sorts of shenanigans were happening! It’s got a lift, no steps, and accessible toilets. Next party is 6th June: www.clubsubversion.com
One of the original fetish parties is
Torture Garden, a massive multi
room party, usually held at
Brixton’s Mass club, which is
known for its abundance of stairs!
However, I’ve recently heard of a
TG regular in a wheelchair, who
has use of the venue’s lift, so
maybe I might also check it out. TG also uses the fully accessible
SeOne near London Bridge. For
more info go to www.torturegarden.
com/events/birthday.
Please forgive my slight digression, but unfortunately, SeOne has recently implemented ClubScan, where punters must show photo ID, which is scanned and the details are then stored and passed onto police or whoever. Some parties have already cancelled their future bookings at SeOne because of this. TG take a different stance: please read http://www.torturegarden. com/news/#article-top. Personally I’m uneasy with ClubScan, as, despite assurances, you cannot really control how that data is used. Okay, back to the main topic…
One way to deal with lack of
access is to take a couple of fit
slaves with you! I’ve heard about a
wheelchair-using lady who
frequents Club Rub, (another fetish
night held near the City) who
brings two guys whose role is to
carry her up and down all the stairs
in there.
Although most kinky parties are in London, I did find details of a Summer Fetish Ball in Leeds, but I’ve no idea how accessible it is! Visit www.skintwonorth.com for more information.
Finally, one annual bash well worth a mention here is Night of the Senses. Called the ‘Glastonbury of Sex’ by TimeOut magazine, NoS caters for just about every imaginable fetish; it’s friendly, very positive about disability, and all proceeds on the door go to Outsiders. More info: www.nightofthesenses.com
Shyness – a bold
new approach
by Bernardo J
Carducci PhD
Diane Pub Co.
1999. This book
sets out to helppeople who suffer because of their
shyness, to help them overcome it
and enjoy life. It includes an entire
chapter on meeting new people,
getting close to them and dating.
In this, he explains how everybody
finds it nerve-wracking chatting to
someone you fancy for the first
time, but some people like taking
risks whereas shy people don’t.
Shy people feel self-conscious, and
start comparing themselves with
others and fear failure because of
lack of experience.
The best thing about this book is the way it does not attempt to stop people being shy, but shows how you can be successfully shy people rather than unhappily shy. If these lists help you, you may like to buy the book:
Assumptions of the shy:
Dear Tuppy,
Just joined Outsiders and confess I
am new to the dating game. I was
sitting with some girlfriends last
night and they were telling me
I would have to play hard to get to
catch a man. I am really not into
playing games — life is too short,
and I can’t wait to experience some
romance and loving. What is the
score?
Miss Eager
Dear Miss Eager,
Research has proven that men do
not like women who play hard to
get, but they don’t like girls who are
easy with every man their meet.
So, once you have found the one
you fancy, you can follow your
heart, but be certain to let him
know that you don’t behave like
that with every Tim Dick and Harry,
just with him. Good luck.
Dear Tuppy
I have a wonderful new boyfriend
who is disabled. He is quite shy
about asking for help, so I decided
I needed to get some advice from
you. He has very limited
physical mobility and weakness in
his arms and is a wheelchair user.
We have not actually met each
other yet, although we have been
enjoying virtual sex for some
months.
I am now wondering if are there ways that we can give each other pleasure in our sexual relationship? Before he became disabled, my boyfriend had full mobility and was able to do what he wanted in bed.
I know that the missionary
position is out of the question and I
don’t have any problem with this,
but there are perhaps other
positions that we could achieve
with a little help?
We are due to meet in real life in
the next few weeks and will be
spending the weekend together.
We are prepared to consider anything
that you can recommend.
My boyfriend says he is able to
have an erection and orgasm quite
easily.
In Trepidation
Dear In Trepidation,
First of all, I want to discuss
meeting someone for the first time
in real life when you have already
been enjoying intimacy online,
which will naturally include you
both fantasising about what each
other looks and feels like. Be
prepared for a shock. There will be
a moment of surprise and it may
not be mutual. Everything could fall apart. It’s not just looks, but the
whole presence of the person, their
smell, the vibes they give off (and
nerves will make this worse).
Secondly, sex positions should be the last things on your mind. Attitude is more important. Set yourselves very small goals for the first meeting. Prepare yourselves (The book “The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability” will help enormously). You need to be relaxed and unhurried, be able to discuss everything in real life (which will feel very different to virtual life) and discuss intimate things, tell each other what feels good, and try out all kinds of things only when you both feel ready!
A weekend is a long time to spend
with somebody you have never
met. Plan some alternatives to
making love, watching a DVD,
going out for lunch. Be prepared
for the strange looks you will get
for being in the company of a
physically disabled man. Brace
yourself!
You are obviously a strong woman
and I hope you manage to see past
the disability and enjoy your new
boyfriend to the full.
Dear Tuppy,
I have sleep apnea, and have to
use a machine called a CPAP to
help me breathe when I sleep. In
bed I wear a mask on my face; this
is connected to the CPAP by a long
hose. I’ve got used to the machine, and
it’s really helped me, but my
problem is that I keep getting my
arm or hands caught up in the
hose while I’m asleep. Also,
because of the weight of the hose,
it sometimes falls down, pulling on
the mask and causing air leaks,
which is very annoying.
I’m fed up with having my sleep
disturbed, and having to adjust the
mask or wrestle with the hose.
Can you help me?
Tangled
Dear Tangled,
I’m glad you are happy with your
CPAP and you are feeling the
benefit from using it. Your problem
with the hose is not uncommon
among people who use CPAP or
other ventilator equipment.
There is a gadget which has been
designed to remedy this. It’s called
a ‘Hose-Lift’.
It consists of a flat base section, and a tall lightweight mast assembly which has a loop at the top. The base slips under the mattress, to hold the mast part in place at the head of the bed, and your hose is threaded through the loop. This holds the hose up above your head, so you can’t get caught up in it. If you move in your sleep it will swing over with you so you don’t get entangled. As it supports the weight of the hose, the mask is not dragged down, and air leaks are less likely. The cost is about £24 plus p&p. Details on www.eu-pap.co.uk phone 0870 774 6811
Dear Tuppy,
I’ve been a member for a couple of
years and nothing much has
improved. I work in an office in a
small town, and come home from
work every evening and never
meet anybody. I am in touch with
one member by letter, but have
never met any other members. I
get extremely nervous conversing
with girls, and I feel like my life will
never improve.Since joining
Outsiders, I have come to the
conclusion that I probably have
Aspergers Syndrome.
Dispairing
Dear Dispairing,
I am glad you got in touch, and
hope you might come to one of our
events so we can make some
progress. In the meantime, could
you try to think of the easiest way
for you to converse with women,
perhaps whilst doing something
else at the same time, such as
dancing, debating, or drawing?
Once you get involved with something else, it’s surprising how your nerves will disappear. Outsiders has always been very good at helping people such as yourself, so long as you engage with us. Keep writing, keep emailing and phoning, every time you feel despairing, and every time you take one step forward.
Henri Toulouse-Lautrec lived an amazing life and you
may relate to both the ways he was stigmatised by his
disabilities and the ways he adapted to enjoy life
anyway.
Henri was born in 1864 just north of Toulouse in France, the son of a bipolar eccentric father, Alphonse, the Compte de Toulouse-Lautrec and his cousin Adèle. Apart from being quite a small child, it was not until he was seven that his mother noticed a slight deformity and a lisp, both of which became more pronounced in his teens. His disability was probably hereditary and a result of in-breeding. His father, a sporting huntsman, had no time for Henri, and his mother referred to him as “my little burden”, encouraging infantile behaviour and having him sleeping in her bed throughout his childhood.
Henri was surrounded by a supportive extended family and developed talents both for painting and for amusing others. He never complained but played a role to meet other people’s needs. His mother was dull and religious and dragged him around, from Lourdes to expensive clinics to have him “cured”. Spending so much time in such places meant that Henri made friends with lots of other disabled children. Henri hated being forbidden from playing with local children and knowing that verytime a pain went away, it would be replaced by another.
Eventually Henri moved to Paris, trained in painting and started to frequent the bawdy houses of Montmartre. However shocking his life became, he always depended on his mother, and when she gave up on their power struggle and deserted him in 1899, he had a nervous breakdown, became institutionalised and died.
Henri became a successful artist in his own lifetime. His paintings were bought by other artists and collectors, including the Moulin Rouge where they hung on its walls. He was friends with Van Gough and Aubrey Beardsley, hob nobbed with Monet, Renoir and Degas and may even have started the expressionist movement at the end of his life. He painted the energy of the Belle Epoque. His art demytholified fin de siècle Paris and much of his work was provocative. Henri made a point of showing his paintings to people who would disapprove, much to the dismay of his family.
Henri ridiculed hypocrisy and made a spectacle of his impairments. He called his cane, “my little staff”, and his high stool his “donkey” he trained a cormorant to waddle behind him in the street. He invented new words for everyday things, and drank copiously, possibly as a result of having been given Quinquina (a sweet wine laced with quinine) from an early age.
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New friends were initially horrified by his disability but soon saw past it, as he was delightfully entertaining and talented. He very much admired and made friends with Oscar Wilde, sharing the status of being an outcast famous for sexual transgression.
Henri adored women for their tenderness and fellowship but resigned himself to the fact that he would never have one of his own to love. Women of his own class pitied and patronised him. He much prefered the company of prostitutes, whom he would take out to dinner and with whom he felt he had a mutual relationship. His paintings portrayed aristocratic women in brothels and prostitutes as heroines. Flaws in a woman’s face caught his eye and were painted so that they only added to her beauty. His work is still very much admired today.
For more on the fascinating life of Henri Toulouse-Lautrec, read “Toulouse-Lautrec — a life” by Julia Frey.
Edited and produced by Tuppy Owens,
Published three times a year by
Outsiders and distributed free to
Outsiders members, supporters and
volunteers from our fundraising
events.
Contributions are welcome – before July 2009 to: BCM Box Lovely, London WC1N 3XX or email on trust@outsiders.org.uk
