Hello members and supporters. Welcome to Outsiders in 2003. This page sings the praises of the volunteers who run the Club and volunteers who help finance it.
Thanks to their devotion, we have got a wonderful little of team of office workers. This consists of Janet, Sue, Becky, Alan, Neil and Robert in the office, with Maz doing the accounts, birthday cards, Ipswich group and PR. Shital acts as spokesperson and leader of the workshops, and Ted answers the phone. Derek reads out on tape for blind and visually impaired, and he and Lesley run the Birmingham events. Tuppy comes down from Scotland several times a year to ensure everything is running according to plan, cope with serious problems, and run the fundraising Ball.
Guess what? We have moved offices YET AGAIN! Finding that we were sub-letting from people who . . . Oh! let's not go into it! Tuppy hurriedly looked around, and was delighted to find a vacant office upstairs. We now rent this direct from the owners of the block. Being in same building, the move was comparatively effortless. All we needed was a couple of trolleys and two strong men (thank you Eddie and Clive). The office volunteers took one look at the room and said, 'We Love It' - Fait accompli! It's warm and dry. The walls are pristine white, with plenty of space for the maps and library to go up again, and the view is, well, fascinating! Now we have an office to ourselves, to look after and make the way we want it.
Our block has lots of groovy people and organisations renting offices, including the TV production company who filmed our member Michael Solomons losing his virginity (never screened thanks to Mary Whitehouse). It is situated on almost a dozen bus routes and the creepy but undercurrently sexy Silverlink Railway.
Our 2002 Charity 'Gypsy' Ball made a profit, and some of this money has been used to pay the rent. More is going to pay for some serious fundraising, to get all our essential areas properly financed.
So many people worked exceptionally hard to make the Ball a great success and thank you all. Some people stayed up almost 48 hours, driving, erecting, directing, deconstructing and returning props. The show was fantastic, the event friendly and exciting. Sadly, the Outsiders Tent offering sensory and physical deprivation treats did not take off. Not enough planning. We need a team to work it out in advance. Shital was Disability Officer and organised some lifting chairs (sadly the event was not all on one level and no lift) but these were not used, once again, plans not followed through. Anyway, thank you all. Some of the volunteers have asked to receive copies of INSIDE so they can read about the Club and how the money raised is used to help us along. So send in your stories of success!
2003 - EYDP.
What is it good for? What will it be famous for?
I was proud to see us mentioned in the Observer last Autumn. Their magazine supplement "Sex Uncovered" listed our first fund-raising Ball as the significant milestone of 1986. Down in history!
Outsiders is in a very unique position in that we can club together and change the way society sees disabled people. Shall we the make 2003 the year to make waves? Let's try!
I hope you will enjoy this issue's Ethnic Minority Interview, with the Syrian actor Nabil Shaban. Nabil is a very old friend of mine. He was once Mr Super-Crip. Now he happily admits that he has been upstaged by the gorgeous Mat Fraser. If you read the interview, you will realise that being upstaged will never stop Nabil in his chairwheels, and we can look forward to some phenomenal artistic productions and happenings so long as he is in this world. And this year, Nabil has pledged to do a striptease for the Erotic Awards (and so too has Mat Fraser). Any disabled females keen to perform as well?
Outsiders is unique. Please make the most of our service. Seek help from
those who offer it, come along to our events, make the most of our
Body Image Workshops, borrow the library books - and make friends.
Make the most of life - as we are only here once. Or perhaps not. As I do the Ethnic Minority Interviews, I continue to discuss reincarnation. But between you and me. I am not at all in favour of coming back for another round, not even as a Porcupine.
Michael Solomons has a girlfriend! Aged 65! After trying to start a relationship ever since he joined Outsider a couple of decades ago, Michael now informs us that he has a lady friend. Her details are not known, because obviously the affair is so wonderful that every time we speak to Michael or read a letter, he is so excited that his words and writing are impossible to decipher. Anyway, congratulations!
I would like to tell you about the benefits which the club has brought for me. I do not have a physical disability but have had considerable difficulty in meeting friends and potential partners because of my shyness. Though I have never been diagnosed with the condition, I do experience some of the characteristics of Asperger Syndrome (A.S.) Very briefly, this is a mild form of autism; people with the condition are often intelligent but have learning difficulties with communication and emotions. I only learned of the condition through meeting another club member who has it.
I was very isolated, both socially and in terms of finding a girlfriend. My situation was made much more difficult by the fact that I had to attend an all-boys school from the age of eleven to seventeen, thus I missed out on the chance to learn how to flirt and the like. The culture of competitiveness , both in school and in the wider world, makes it even more difficult for people with A.S. to improve their social skills and self confidence.
As a young adult, I joined a local amateur dramatics class in order to meet new people and speak aloud more confidently. This helped me a lot, but I still felt isolated. Also, I wanted to meet female friends. My shyness meant that going to a club or disco to find someone was out of the question and other dating agencies were a waste of money. I went to the local library, consulted a directory of organisations and looked at entries for Loneliness and Isolation. The Outsiders Club was listed and was the sort of thing I was looking for, so I decided to join.
Going to my first lunch at The Filling Station in November 1994 was an intrepid step, but luckily for me, a Management Committee member, Annette, lived close to myself, so I travelled with her and her driver. Though it felt strange at first, I soon enjoyed meeting other members. I was impressed by the friendly atmosphere and how such a diverse range of people supported each other. I found it easier to converse with people at the club than was generally the case elsewhere, due to the greater tolerance of people with disabilities, physical, emotional or otherwise. It was a great privilege to meet my long-standing friend, Michael Solomans.
Soon after I joined, I became aware of the sexual debates within the club. However, I did not feel at all threatened by this as there was no pressure on members who only wanted to meet people for friendships and a possible relationship. I started writing to female members. Initially, the response was disappointing, but after a while I received more replies. I valued the pen-friendships and I arranged dates with a few of them. Though they were mostly enjoyable, things didn't go any further.
However, at the lunch at the All Bar One in September 2001, I met a new lady member called Susan. We chatted and got on really well and decided to keep in touch. Again we met at the October lunch. Since we were both travelling home from Waterloo, we travelled there together and after the lunch we had a drink. I was aware that she really fancied me and were were onto something. Our first date was a week later, then one thing led to another.
We have now been together for over a year, thanks to the Outsiders Club.
Last but not least, we have news which confirms everything we have always said about Outsiders: the more you help us, the more likely you are to find the partner of your dreams:
We hear these two, Paul our ex-editor/office manager and membership secretary and Sarah, ex-trustee are back together again, have got engaged, with a baby due in August! Hopefully they will send news and photos for a future issue of INSIDE.
If you have found happiness in any way, do write and let us know. It gives everyone else hope!
Becky feels lots of members lack confidence and would enjoy a shopping spree to buy new clothes and improve their image. She offers to take any member shopping in London at a mutually convenient time. Please call her in the office to have a chat.
Last year's Outsiders Award went to James Palmer for setting up TLC, an organisation for disabled people who want to use surrogates.
NB some people reading his article in the last issue misunderstood and thought his new organisation is part of Outsiders. We would like to point out that it is completely separate.
Sorry the last Membership List didn't really work, with names truncated and other problems. Lawrence has struggled to improve this and we still can't work out why the database went wrong.
As from 2004, the list will be adapted to the new membership form.
We should use our Website more, to help the club run better. Unlike this magazine whose influence is short-lived, the website is there for everyone to read for ever. We can use it to address to perennial problems we face in Outsiders.
One of these perennial problems is persuading our female members to attend our lunches.
Everyone tells of how difficult it was setting off for the first lunch, full of doubts and fears, shyness and low self esteem. Each time you come along, it becomes easier. and it soon becomes a really pleasant experience, something you actually enjoy. Women even ask why we can't hold them more frequently! Then they get snapped up, married and are never seen again.
Would any of you females out there kindly write your own testament, for other female members to read, offering encouragement and stretching out to welcome new women? Please do.
Send your writings by email to Tuppy at tuppy@outsiders.org.uk
Congratulations to Changing Faces on their current publicity drive, to gain social acceptance for people with facial disfigurement. Under a stark black and white photograph of a disfigured young woman, one of the ads reads, "Don't be scared to make eye contact, or start a conversation. I know you are dying to ask what happened to me, but don't make it your first question. After a couple of minutes, you'll come to realise that I'm a perfectly normal, intelligent human being."
The ads are so powerful they have attracted a number of big-name supporters, including the Duke of Westminster, who has hosted a private viewing.
Outsiders should be launching its own campaign, and we are in fact hoping to persuade the BBC to make a documentary.
Established in 1979, The Monitoring Group is a leading anti-racist casework, campaigning and training agency, empowering vulnerable individuals and communities.
They operate a freephone 24hr emergency help-line for victims of racial harassment: 0800 374618.
The Monitoring Group, 14 Featherstone Road, Southall, Middlesex. UB2 5AA Tel: 020 8843 2333 Fax: 020 8813 9734 Website: www.monitoring-group.co.uk
http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk is now live! Featuring details of an advice line, as well as downloadable information sheets, research and policy papers, and a downloadable poster for the advice line. Plus other resources for those seeking help. There are special features giving legal advice on domestic violence, divorce, and child contact.
Bethan Rigby is the Policy and Information Officer on info@row.org.uk. The address is Rights of Women, 52-54 Featherstone Street, London, EC1Y 8RT. Tel: 020 7251 6575/6 Fax: 020 7490 5377 http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk
The Narcolepsy Association UK helps people who fall asleep at irregular and unexpected times (I can feel you nodding off right now reading about it - ed) and can be reached on 020 7721 8904 or on www.narcolepsy.org.uk
Fernfields Mobility Ltd have a new compact scooter - the Tourist Express in their range of pavement scooters and wheelchairs. It is versatile and light - only 44lbs (20kgs) without seat and batteries, fits into small car boots and is ideal for taking on trains, ships and planes. It can be used both indoors and out. For more information ring: 0800 0855482; or 01959 573673 or write: Fernfields, 160-166 Main Road, Biggin Hill, Kent, TN16 3BA.
A reminder that some disabled people are entitled to a reduction on their Council Tax. The tax is reduced if at least one person who lives in the home is substantially and permanently physically or mentally disabled, and has at least one of the following facilities:
If these conditions are met, the bill is reduced to the next valuation band down from the one in which the home has been placed. To apply for the reduction please contact your local council for an application form. The address and phone number are shown on your bill.
Tuppy and Shital spoke at two Sex and Disability Conferences last year. Shital is off to the Himalayas, far too busy to help write about our experiences, so this report is by Tuppy. Shital will probably slaughter me, but remember what you said, darling, in your own words: "Never again!"
It's a great idea to bring people together under one roof to share experiences and yes, a conference is a great place to bring people from various disciplines and authorities to learn each other's perspectives.
At the Regard Bristol Conference, a disabled lesbian delegate objected to me being the leader of the Womens' workshop because I would not identify as disabled. I could have whinged on about my dyslexia and panic attacks, but I couldn't wait to leave, so decided to get some fresh air, visit Bristol Zoo and identify as a mammal.
Shital, being a wheelchair user, was allowed to stay. My friend Sarah was accepted as disabled because of her hearing aid. They took my place in the womens' workshop. Sadly, one of the local organisers decided to spend most of the time promoting her book, and the rest of the session was spent on internal squabbling. Waste of time!
The men apparently did much better as most of them identified as having been sexually abused as children, and found the group experience highly enriching.
Sexual Inclusion for Disabled People took place on 21st October at a plush venue in Portland Place, Central London. It was far more glamorous and I was not dismissed, in fact I was virtually heralded the Queen of Sex and Disability, which was rather refreshing - thank you! We even sold copies of Practical Suggestions to interested professionals. It was good to see SPOD's Director, Simon Parritt, and his lovely wife, Sylvia, and listen to Dr Wendy Greengross, articulating the changes which have taken place to the organisation, since SPOD began.
Shital had been asked to make a personal presentation which I know was very difficult for her, and she was up all night beforehand rewriting and worrying. Her message was strong. When her disability was hardly noticeable, she suffered a lot of denial and kind of pushed potential partners away. As she has matured, her disability has become more pronounced. Now she has the self confidence to accept approaches from men, these approaches are becoming less frequent. It was poignant and poetic. Her delivery was calm and serene, and gained much applause.
Much of the rest of the conference was medical, largely aimed at men and couples. We learned that disabled women can find out about any sexual dysfunctional worries you may have from... surprise, surprise, the Impotence Association! They deal with female problems as well as male problems. Their address is: PO Box 10296 London SW17 9WH, Helpline 020 8767 7791.
The
I have known Nabil for a long time socially but never asked him about his homeland, childhood or views on sex, marriage and reproduction. Here goes!
Tuppy: First off, provide my readers with the basics:
gender, sexual orientation, age and disability?
Nabil: Male - Hetero - 50 - wheelchair user with brittle bones, small in stature.
Tuppy: What is your ethnic background and religion, and where were you brought up?
Nabil: My family and ancestors going back to Genghiz Khan, have been Muslims. Before the Mongolians became settlers in the Caucasia and converted to Islam, my ancestors would have been pagans, following a shamanic tradition. I like to think they would have eaten a lot of magic mushrooms, of the Fly Agaric variety. I was born in Jordan but came to England when I was three and became institutionalised in hospitals and children's homes for disabled kids, so I never lived with my family after that. Thus, I was not brought up in a Muslim culture (thank Christ). Was raised a bleeding Christian instead, a goddam Methodist, so no fucking swearing, no sodding gambling and certainly no playing with girls in the home. Always afraid the staff would cut my willy off.
Tuppy: What was the reaction of your family when you were born disabled?
Nabil: My dad nearly died of a heart attack and my mother tried to commit suicide. When the British child care authorities offered to take me away from them and put me in a home, my parents jumped at the chance.
Tuppy: Are you still in touch with your family, and which members?
Nabil:My dad snuffed it when I was twelve -
probably murdered by the Israeli secret service. Well, that's me
and my brother's fantasy. He was an army officer working with the military
attachá in the Jordanian Embassy in London, a wireless operator
in the Signals and Intelligence Section, listening to secret messages between
the Israelis, the Americans and the Brits. The Israelis began hatching their
plot to start the 1967 Six Day War in 1965. The
She asked why? "Aren't you supposed to be a famous actor? I thought you
were rich!"
"Not bloody likely," I said. "I'm a poor semi-famous actor. Besides,
I'm a 'has-been' now. I haven't had decent money coming in for ages."
"But where's all your money?"
"Well, if I did once have loadza loot, I ain't got it now."
"Why?" She asked, furious that I wasn't going to cough up in her direction.
"Because I've got an expensive girlfriend, that's why."
"Why have you got an expensive girlfriend?" She asked, laughing
"Because I'm an idiot."
She laughed that much, we got disconnected. I haven't heard from her since.
From my mother and father, sprang forth four children - two with congenital
disabilities and two, ostensibly, without disabilities. Me and my sister with
brittle bones live in England and I occasionally see her, maybe once or twice
a year. The brittle bones is the result of a recessive gene because my parents
were first cousins who carried the same gene. Marrying first cousins is the
norm in the Middle East and other Muslim countries. They're obsessed with keeping
property within the bloodline. Bit like our own British Royal Family. I wonder
how many disabled Royal offspring have been secretly locked away in the Tower!
Tuppy: How did you start making a life for yourself?
Nabil: I went to university, got a degree in psychology and philosophy, couldn't be bothered to do a proper nine-to-five job, so I decided to be an actor and set up Graeae Theatre Company. If you mean, how did I manage to escape from me family. I didn't need to, they had already escaped from me. They had forfeited their rights to control me when I put into child-care. They were no longer in the frame, so I was free to do whatever I want. Unlike my Muslim sisters and brothers who were raised by my mother. They are still very much under her thumb. Thank God, I was born disabled!
Tuppy: Are these first cousin marriages arranged by parents?
Nabil: Where I come from, it's the Grandmothers who arrange á the marriages - their choic is final. Occasionally, if you are a favourite of Granny, you might swing a love match. But I was disabled and therefore sexless and obviously incapable of passing on the family line, so no one would have wasted a second thought about me getting married. Had I been non-disabled and therefore of marriageble quality, I probably would have had an arranged marriage. And it would certainly have been with someone of Islamic faith, probably related, and quite likely a first cousin. When I met up with one of my sisters after an absence of nearly 20 years, she couldn't wait to ask if I was a Man, i.e. could I do it? When I told her I could, she wept tears of joy. That was her biggest dread, that her disabled brother wasn't a real man. Anyway, naturally, being raised in the modern western tradition and being a libertarian, I don't believe in arranged marriages. All partnerships should be mutually consenting by the couple and chosen on the basis of genuine desire, though the exercise of free will.
Tuppy:How would you say you have fared on the romance/sex front,
and how has disability and your ethnic background influenced this?
Tuppy: Perhaps you should re-consider - people do have sexual preferences for, and aversions to cute blondes, swarthy Eastern Europeans, black bodies, etc. Blaming all failure on your disability might have been misconceived.
Nabil: The trouble was, for most of my youth and early twenties, I was not too keen to get overly attached to a woman. Generally, I felt, having a girlfriend was too much of a distraction or diversion from the real missions in life, like finding out who I am and where I am going, getting on with my studies and working out the most effective and practical route to saving the world.
The other thing I noticed was that I started to become sexually interesting to women once I became an actor, started to appear on stage, television and film and become a minor celebrity. Suddenly, I found women who wanted to be my girlfriend, even though I was still disabled. As Henry Kissinger said, "Power is the biggest aphrodisiac". My fame and success was giving me apparent power, and that was what was turning women on. It wasn't me, myself, Nabil that had metamorphosed into a gorgeous looking bloke. I was still the same. I still hated seeing myself in the mirror. It's not surprising billions of people want to be Hollywood movie stars or rock stars, because they instinctively know that even if they are conventionally "ugly" or just plain-looking, the result will still be sexual pulling power.
Tuppy: If you hate seeing yourself in the mirror
(although most people do) could this mean you share body fascism yourself?
Nabil: Indeed. In fact, that was why I originally came up with the term. I was meditating on my own aesthetic prejudices, particularly as an artist, I made myself be aware of my preconditioned preferences and questioned them, analysed them, tried to work out why and how and from whence, and were they culturally determined or are they instinctual products stemming from biological imperatives? In the end, I concluded that the Human condition has the ability to transcend all physical, material, social, genetic dictates and that if we are to move on to a higher, more enlightened plane of existence which is the only refuge that can save us and the planet, we must recognise those demons within, however sourced, which commands us to make value judgements on the basis of ultimately superficial criteria....and having put on the spotlight, we can hopefully exorcise them. That's the theory, anyway.
Tuppy: You had a disabled girlfriend, Tina, who you met through filming The Skin Horse with Outsiders - how was that, and did you tell your mum?
Nabil:My mother doesn't give a toss about anything I do. I don't exist. When I do come into her orbit, she tells me, I will go to Hell because I don't believe in Allah and Mohammed, and my lovelife is of no interest to her. I am not her real son. I took great pleasure in telling my mother Tina and I had a son out of wedlock. Especially, after she told one of my sisters that she was the black sheep of the family. "No she isn't." I said when I saw how hurt my sister was, "I am because at least, she was married when all her children were born."
Tuppy: Do you hold any values of your old culture?
Tuppy: What have been your biggest problems in life?
Nabil: Being judged on the basis of negative perceptions of my disabilities and physical appearance.
Tuppy: Does your culture and do you believe in re-incarnation?
Nabil: Orthodox Islam does not believe in Reincarnation but my mother does - she claims it is mentioned in the Koran. Well, I've looked and I haven't found any reference to it. My mother is a Pick and Mix religious person. She wants to believe in UFOs, so she says the Koran mentions that Earth will be invaded by aliens from outer space very soon. Because she believes in reincarnation, she tells me I am disabled because I was very evil in my past life - and that I will be even more crippled or come back as a tail-less tadpole in my next life. My own attitudes? Well, as I don't subscribe to any religion, I have an open attitude to my disability. Maybe reincarnation is true. I don't know. I certainly can't remember any past lives I may have had. Although, I have met people who claim to have known me from a past life. One woman reckons we were lovers in Ancient Egypt and she murdered me. She still keeps asking me to forgive her. Perhaps, if reincarnation is the system, then I might have become disabled because it was my choice - perhaps my previous existence was just too boring being an able-bodied person. Nothing was a challenge. Perhaps, as many Hindus believe, being born disabled is a fast track to enlightenment and Nirvana. When I was in Calcutta, this old man kept bowing down to me. My non-disabled friend asked him "Why" (I think he was a bit jealous) and the old Hindu said it was because I was a God. I guess he meant that this was probably my last incarnation, that my disability was a sign of my coming to the end of my cycle of lives.
Tuppy: How do you feel about about reproducing and having your own children, with a genetic disability?
Nabil: I have Osteogenesis Imperfecta (or Deogenesis Perfecta, if you believe my Hindu story). It is inherited via a recessive gene but not automatically manifest, because for that, both parents must carry the inheritance. So, if I don't shag a relative, I am unlikely to reproduce the disability in any of my offspring. However, I'm not worried if I do produce a child with brittle bones. It would be a negation of my entire life if I sought to prevent my child being born with brittle bones.
Tuppy: Has your upbringing or the attitudes of your family spoiled your ability to enjoy guilt-free sexual pleasure?
My cultural background is Protestant Christianity - Methodist variety. And I think it gave me a lot of guilt about sex. The first time I put my hand inside a girl's vagina I was 15, and afterwards I felt dreadfully unclean. I spent hours in the basement toilets of the special school, washing and scrubbing my hands. I was convinced the staff could still smell the sinfulness and I would be expelled. For years, I didn't believe in pre-marital sex. If I was going to sleep with a woman, and have sexual intercourse then if I made her pregnant, then I must marry her. I must only marry someone, I truly love. So, to avoid a wrongful marriage, because of unwanted pregnancy, I avoided sex, and to avoid sex, I avoided getting into relationships. But all this changed in 1981 when a determined woman wanted seduce me and get into my knickers. Suddenly, she allowed me to discover the joy of sex - sexual experimentation. Since then, I have had love affairs with about nine women. But I still don't find it easy to have sex without guilt.
TuppyWhat is your dream?
Nabil: Wet - very, very wet.
Tuppy: Thank you Nabil, I hope this hasn't been too boring for you. I haven't taken the opportunity to express much of this before. So, thanks for giving me the chance.
Nabil Shaban's email address is jinghiz53@yahoo.com
My personal fave site. Many different sections to it, with general headings of Life, Shopping, News and Community. Some sub headings are Money, Motoring, Work, Travel, Health, Equipment, Headlines and Features. It is a very well organised and well thought out web site. Last year they produced a calendar of women with disabilities, which was very well done. They also had Lara Masters (a presenter from the "That's Esther" Sunday programme writing a monthly column - although she has now left, but all her articles are still there. They have an active Pen Pals section, where lots of people have placed adverts, so you should be able to find someone you'd like to email. Youreable has just opened a new site aimed at slashing the cost of disability. Youreable Shopping is dedicated to providing the very best in products for disabled people at the cheapest prices around. But best of all, they have a very active Forum discussion group. Forums include Motoring (everyone seems to have trouble with F&$%*g Motability!!), Sex & Relationships, Current Affairs, Parents Forum, Other Stuff (of which there is always a lot!), Benefits, Travel etc. These forums are the most active I've seen and you can browse through them at your leisure but if you want to contribute or reply to a posting then you have to logon with your name and email address - but others won't see your full name of email address. Sometimes discussions are very lively indeed and occasionally not for the feint hearted but always very frank. Try it out and let us know what you think.
Good site with sections on Accessibility Finder, Forums, Classified, Dating Service, Chat plus Jokes and Games and a Daily News column. They also have a dating site which you can join for free and it has a search engine to search for someone you would like to contact.
Seems a little more News based, as it stems from the newspaper of the same name, both being very useful. All the usual goodies (News, Features, Forum etc). Best of all, you can search their archive of articles from the newspaper.
Again, linked to the magazine. All the usual things plus a lot of useful information here in the benefits section. Also a "What's Happening" section that lists events that may be of interest, not just concerning disability but many others as well. Seems to have more of a Sports bias to it if that's your interest. Plus a very useful "City Guides" section. Very good site.
An excellent site for information and more associated with the partialities of living. A massive links section, which also has a vast list of other disability web sites. An excellent source of information. Disabled United www.disabledunited.com All the usual things plus a very good penpal site and a lot of useful information in the benefits section.
NB I should add that in penpal sites, women get as many as a hundred replies, so the chances for males is slim. Hopefully, in years to come when more women use the internet, this will balance itself out.
Our first workshop was held at the All Bar One in September, run by Shital and myself. Not knowing what to expect, we were overwhelmed that practically everybody wanted to join in. This made it quite a lengthy process going round the group, providing everyone with the chance to speak about themselves. That first time, we didn't really get around to providing constructive feedback. It wasn't until after this first session that we realised how successful the workshops could be, not only for the participants but also, with their permission, for the rest of the Club, if the discussions and conclusions were published in INSIDE. Hence this article. Shital ran the October workshop and will be reporting on the outcome when she returns from India this Spring. In the meantime, here are some of the things that emerged from the September and November groups. Thanks to all the participants for sharing this with us.
The September workshop was a dynamic beginning and some of the issues which were not really dealt with, and are contained in my Aunty Tuppy Column.
One of the things which several of the men complained about was that they were seeking a relationship with a woman, but nobody seemed to want them. The women in the group looked at each other and agreed. This prospect was not something we would jump at. It was almost as if men had shifted from wanting jump into bed with us to wanting to jump into a relationship. Yes, women are supposed to want relationships rather than feeling like a receptacle to a man's lust, but we don't want it instantly. We told the men they were putting potential partners off by being too forward. What would we like, they wondered? Well there are things like friendship, fun and romance for starters. Taking things step by step. We gave the guys something to think about, and trust instilled some hope in them.
Because many of the same people tend to come to each month, Shital decided to make each workshop slightly different. The November Session focused on shyness.
It turned out, not surprisingly, that we were all shy in some circumstances. Plus many of the participants felt very incapacitated with, and irritated by their own shyness.
I kicked off by saying that now I'm approaching sixty, I feel more shy about approaching men I fancy. Robert told me age has nothing to do with it, just attitude. Thanks for that, Robert. You are single-handedly responsible for me losing my mobile phone. Five hours later, I pulled this gorgeous chap at a party, and got so carried away, my gingham Nokia fell out of my pocket into the bushes/pavements/bus seats of London, never to be seen again. Nuff said!
One young man said he was most shy on the phone, being too nervous to say what he means. It was agreed that he should try to make calls only when he has prepared lists of what he wants to say, and not to accept calls when he's not feeling up to it.
One member said they lost their shyness travelling around India. One person was quite articulate in telling us how they can't communicate in a large group.
One person said they are most shy when attracted to someone. We agreed that shyness in these circumstances can be attractive, but the important thing is to confess the feeling of shyness verbally. Blushing was also considered quite sexy.
What came out several times was people hide behind things because they are shy. One person hides behind their wheelchair, another behind their guide dog. Another hides behind being active - saying that keeping busy helps his shyness. Rather like the housewife who keeps doing housework to avoid facing up to life. Using shields fools other people they meet, so they need to learn to drop the shield and step beyond.
Lots of people said they were shy at parties, especially people who use wheelchairs who get nervous of running people over, and people with communication difficulties not being able to cope with the noise.
One person in a wheelchair helped us understand how limiting a wheelchair can be socially. It makes escaping from people very difficult so that you can feel trapped in social situations, and that makes you nervous of being assertive, and more inclined to be shy.
Some new people were not very good at talking about themselves but nobody looked down on them (or even noticed) we expect this will improve with time.
Everyone agreed that when confidence levels are low, shyness is high. We agreed that most people are more likely to be shy with strangers because it is difficult to think of what to say. Pretentious or high brow social events also make inexperienced people feel shy. Outsiders lunches are unthreatening and help us gain confidence.
We decided we all needed a badge SHY BUT WILLING. Except me who needs to be locked up.
If you want to come to a workshop, they are held at most, but not all lunches, so best phone the office to find out.
There is absolutely no pressure to participate and you can enjoy the lunches with other members who choose not to join in.
The workshops are free of charge.
There is always a trained, professional counsellor / therapist in charge, and free back-up support is available.
I heard on the radio that most people meet their partners at work and the second most common place is at the gym. Well, I've been in work for twenty years now, and going to the gym once a week for eight years, and still have no partner. I can only think this is because I have a disability and am just too shy to talk to strangers. Where am I supposed to find a partner (apart from Outsiders, of course!!)?
Lonesome
Your story sounds pretty grim to me - all that effort in the office and the gym and still no action! I have thought about this long and hard, especially as I know you quite well, and really think you deserve a partner.
I don't think you should blame your disability, rather people's attitude to disability. We can't change people's attitude to disability overnight, but one tiny change in your behaviour will change people's attitude to YOU.
When people see you day in and day out, they form firm opinions about you. If you never speak to strangers (and, let's face it, most of the people at work and at the gym are virtual strangers if you've never gone out with any of them), then they will form totally negetive opinions about you. By not speaking to them, you are encouraging them to believe you must be either stuck up, unfriendly, weird, uncaring, or so self-sufficient that you don't need anyone else. I know that none of these descriptions apply to you but how can they - unless you bridge that gap? However difficult, find a way. Keep jokes in your head, a smile on your face, and open your heart to say something to everytime you see someone passing. Use black humour to cope with rejection. Use black humour whenever. Let them know that behind that unfriendly exterior is a warm loving person dying to be loved.
I am slowly remembering things which happened when I was young, and fear that I was sexually abused as a child. I think I would like some professional help, but wonder what that might entail. The thing is that I plan to start college soon and don't know how I will cope with both.
Abused
I don't want to deter you because therapy is best started sooner rather than later. But you will probably need a lot of support: the ideal is two to three sessions a week for two to three years. Seek advice from your GP and the counselling agencies who specialise in such help. Good Luck!
I am nervous going out because I am unsteady on my feet, and wonder when I will ever meet a man.
Stuck At Home
Life is full of choices when you think about it. You can call men up on the phone and get to know them very well that way, inviting them round to visit once you are really sure. You could perhaps become more steady on your feet by attending Tai Chi classes. Or you could ask someone to help you when you go out, someone reliable who is there to steady you. Don't give up.
I spent Christmas all alone, once again. I wonder when I will ever find a woman to share my life with, someone who will love me.
Lost Reindeer
Make friends and discuss plans to spend Christmas in a group together.
I am a very sociable person so it's not difficult for me to make friends. I am even quite brave when it comes to asking members of the opposite sex to come out with me. But the problem I come up with time and time again is this: my voice puts people off. How can I get around this?
Unmelodious
Try stop using that generalisation: "People". Replace it with "Some People". Because for all the people who might be put off by your voice, there are others who won't mind at all. Deaf people for a start, people who are so enamoured by your eyes that they hardly hear your voice. People who are so interested in what you have to say that your voice is an irrelevance. And, quite, honestly, sod the rest of 'em! Use your social skills and brave outlook to filter them out of your life!
2003 will be the European Year of Persons with Disabilities. Alan Taylor's proposed calendar received one offer to model, from a male member. Not quite off the ground yet!
