Inside Magazine Issue 59
See Inside Magazine: Latest for most recent issues of INSIDE.
Contents
- Big Changes in Outsiders
- 25th Anniversary
- Fund Raising
- Taking over SPOD
- Outsiders Award
- Successes in Outsiders
- Letters to the Editor
- Editorial
- Practical Suggestions
- Web and Other Resources from Overseas
- Female Taxis
- Workshops
- Interview - Eric
- Low Flyer Keeps Going
- Poem
- Review
- Aunty Tuppy
- Massage Therapy
- Searching for a Star
- Library
- The End
- Next Issue
Big Changes in Outsiders
Good Luck Shital
We are very sad that Shital had to postpone her appointment as membership secretary. She has taken on too much over the past year or so, and her health has suffered. Shital herself is bitterly disappointed, as she was looking forward to bringing the club on, making it bigger, stronger and offering better services. A big Thank You to Shital for everything she has done this year. Please get well soon and come back to join the team very soon.
Thank You Sue!
The job of membership secretary has been taken by Sue. Sue has already been helping us in the office for over a year. She will be working with the other volunteers in the office on Mondays, and dealing phone calls from home.
And Thank You Maz
More thanks are due to Maz, for being Club Treasurer for five years. Maz put our books in order and has given us beautiful sets of accounts. She continues to run the Ipswich lunches, contributes to INSIDE, sends out the birthday cards and is a real gem.
Thank you Alan
Alan has agreed to become treasurer of the Club, using the computer programme which Shital put on the office computer. He continues to be the webmaster - and handles the Outsiders database.
Thank you Janet
Janet is still coming into the office, helping out generally and dealing with blind members. On which note, if you would prefer to get the magazine by email, please let us know, as this service is now available for blind and VI members.
Hello Victoria
Sue is unable to attend many of our London lunches because they clash with her Yoga classes. We are happy to announce that Victoria is now running the London lunches and workshops on a monthly basis. Victoria has just returned from New York where she was running social events and workshops for people with learning disabilities seeking partners. Please say hello to Victoria when you arrive at the lunch.
And Thank You Members!
Thanks for making the club so great. Please do join again for 2004 - which will be full of celebrations for our 25th Anniversary. And please try to persuade all the single females you know to join as well - to help even out the balance of the sexes. Happy Xmas and New Year to you all. Don't be lonely - phone each other up and get together for a drink or meal. Be friendly. And stay warm!
25th Anniversary
In January 2004, Outsiders will be 25 years old!
We want to celebrate this momentous anniversary with a re-launch of OUTSIDERS, attracting so much press coverage and attention that we get lots of exciting new members, with plenty of women. A forthcoming article in Marie Claire will help (see later).
We hope you want to party. We are applying to the Arts Council for a grant to make it a big one.
We thought we had been offered the use of a stately home, Fulford Manor in Devon, until the owners saw us and abruptly changed their minds (this was filmed by Channel 4 and might be screened next autumn.
Lost Vagueness have offered their chapel for an Outsiders party at Glastonbury in June.
We are planning an exhibition of photography called Body Acceptance. The aim is to demonstrate how cosmetic surgery and the computer modification of images, are detrimental to human happiness. The exhibition will include images of disabled people looking nice and loveable, and computer modified images of them with all the wrinkles, chubbiness and any hint of disability replaced with exaggerated pectorals, etc, to prove that "perfection" is unnatural and ultimately unattractive.
Fund Raising
Thanks to Melissa Watson who got us the Llyods TSB grant, and has applied for other grants including the Department of Health. Thanks to Lloyds TSB for supporting us. Sorry that SPOD ran out of funds and were unable to pass us their left-over cash. We look forward to another grant from Jackson Charitable Trust who have helped to pay our rent over the past couple of years.
Taking over SPOD
SPOD (Sexual Problems Of the Disabled) has closed down, and Outsiders has taken over its functions. Calls come from parents and partners of disabled people, occupational therapists, social workers and care home workers, academics and administrators putting on conferences, with a small proportion from disabled people themselves.
Many callers seem to find the topic of relationships and disability quite acceptable until it comes to the word sex when then they suddenly clam up. Like SPOD, many disability organisations are folding or restricting their services, which is sad because the needs are still there. Outsiders is proud that we carry on regardless of the social climate (where only money seems to matter!).
Outsiders officially took over SPOD as from October 2003. Unfortunately, we were unable to gain access to their office before it was squatted, and the library and resources destroyed.
Tuppy is answering their helpline, which is now 0707 499 3527. She is dealing with calls during the weekdays, 11am to 6pm, trying to ascertain exactly what services are needed. Callers are mostly very jolly, appreciative, and grateful to know that the service is being continued. About once a week we get requests for a professional to come and talk, and about the same number seek a local counsellor for a client.
If you would like to take on the role and have the knowledge to be a speaker on sex and disability, or are qualified to be a local counsellor, or know anyone else who would be good at the job, please Tuppy know. Both of these would offer financial remuneration. Not everyone can afford the £50 an hour/£500 a day, which the ex-director of SPOD, Simon Parritt is charging.
Partner-less disabled males who call up seeking help are decidedly un-jolly. In fact, they sound utterly depressed and lost.
We are slowly finding out how to recommend local social groups for disabled people to join. Your ideas are welcome. If you have found something that brings you into contact with a nice group of people, please let us know.
Alan Taylor is busy incorporating the SPOD website into our own. We are anxiously waiting for the recently-compiled SPOD leaflets to be forwarded, so that they can be put on the website for the benefit of all interested parties.
Outsiders Award
Ted O'Dwyer
Ted has been a member of Outsiders since 1988. In 1997 he offered to come into the office to answer the telephone. Having been blind since birth and trained by the Samaritans, he provided good practical help and much inspiration to our members. When Outsiders was short of money in 1999, Ted helped us in all kinds of ways, including allowing us to use a room in his house to run the club.
In 2000, Ted received a phone call asking if he was, indeed Ted O'Dwyer and if he was blind. On answering to the affirmative, the woman on the line declared that she had at last found her father! Dawn invited Ted to visit her and her family in New Zealand. Ted travelled half way around the world to meet his "new" daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren, and the next year they came to London to stay with him. Visits are now annual.
This year, Ted gave up all voluntary work because of pains he has been experiencing due to stress. He lives alone in North East London, and still enjoys a very active life, being a keen member of Aquabats, where VI and sighted people mess about in water.
The Award was presented at our fundraising Ball on 20th September and accepted on his behalf by James Palmer.
Ted may be contacted via email: tedley.poopendale@ntlworld.com
Successes in Outsiders
Paul and Sarah
Paul wrote: Sarah and I met through Outsiders in 2000: she had been to the Ball that year and was keen to offer the Club her skills as a charity administrator. As Membership Secretary at the time, I was initially suspicious of this intrusion on my territory; but once I'd met Sarah, I was keen to work with her as closely as possible!
After a memorable (but not entirely sober) night at the Fire Station pub
near Waterloo station on Bonfire Night, our friendship blossomed into
a relationship that lasted until the following Spring, when we parted
amicably as friends. Sarah then went off to Peru to climb Macchu Picchu;
rather less romantically, I took a job at the Theatre Royal in Portsmouth
and then injured my back lifting up my 2-year-old godson in the park.
A few weeks later, to complete my woes, my mother
died. Sarah kept in touch and was a great support for me through the difficult
times, and when we met up again in London we began to appreciate how important
we were for each other. Sarah came down to Portsmouth, and late one night
on the moonlit beach (cue violins) we decided we wanted to spend our lives
together. Two weeks later we went to Hatton Garden to buy an engagement
ring, and on Christmas Eve, Sarah gave me a spectacular early present
by telling me that she was pregnant!
In April, we set up house together in East Finchley, conveniently near Hampstead Heath and Highgate Wood. The baby was due in late August: in the last week of July, we had a few days break in Glastonbury, where Sarah took it easy in typical style by joining me in the hike to the top of the Tor.
We had planned for a water birth, but when the due date arrived it was clear that complications would make this impossible. Therefore we found ourselves heading to the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead. After labouring for two days, it was obvious that our son was going to be no more conventional than his parents, and as a "stargazer" (facing the "wrong" way) would have to be born by emergency caesarean. Jack was born at 7.43pm on August 26th, to the accompaniment of Return to Innocence by Enigma. I got back home late that night to find that Portsmouth FC were top of the Premiership; and even better, when I bought some chips, the man in the shop was so impressed by my tale of new fatherhood that he gave me a free portion of mushy peas! It was truly a night of wonders.
Jack is now twelve weeks old, and wonderfully astonished at everything.
Amongst other things, he has already been to a wedding
in Leeds, a birthday party in Tooting and a psychedelic concert in Islington,
seen Highgate Wood in autumn and fireworks over Hampstead Heath, snoozed
on the Northern Line, zoomed up the A1, admired the ceiling in Pizza Express,
seen swans on the River Ouse and ducks on Tooting Common. He is a total
joy and a delight to be with, and we are extremely proud and blessed parents.
When I first joined Outsiders in 1992, I was depressed, agoraphobic and isolated by a stutter that I thought would always prevent me from making friends, let alone finding a relationship. The Club gave me the chance to be more adventurous in a friendly and supportive environment. My advice to a new member in a similar situation would be twofold: stick at it, and get involved.
It took me several years of membership before I got to where I wanted to be, but in the meantime I learned a lot about myself, met some great people (thanks especially to Ted, Janet, Maz and Eric) and had a lot of fun. And the responsibility of working in the office gave me the confidence to overcome my speech problem and go forward in life.
Sarah wrote: I offered to help with Outsiders because I believed strongly in the ideals of the Club and identified closely with the feeling of being an Outsider. I guess that, perhaps like a lot of people, I had a fairly romantic, idealised notion of some perfect person sweeping me off my feet but, so far, no one had met my strict criteria. (Or could it be that I was just plain scared of letting myself be loved)? Well at the age of 35 the old biological clock was ticking pretty loudly, and I definitely felt ready to be in a relationship again, but my ideal partner needed to match three quite specific criteria:
- Be into unconditional love
- Share the same spiritual viewpoint
- Be keen on reproducing!
Well guess what! Paul met all these criteria so I had no more excuses, nowhere to run and nowhere left to hide. Sure there where lots of things we didn't have in common, but the fundamentals of friendship, willingness and trust were in place, so we gave it a go. I have already learned so much about myself having taken the plunge. Paul has blessed me in so many ways. Our son Jack of course, but also in learning about what it is to love someone unconditionally, having the chance to grow with someone, giving and taking and supporting each other. I have learned that sometimes to love and be loved is a decision you make rather than something which happens to you.
David and Elsie
David's Story: My disabilities are Cerebral Palsy with sensory impairments, i.e. partially sighted with macular degeneration and I have 70% hearing loss.
I had been a member of the Outsiders Club for just under three years. I wrote to many contacts and met one or two lady members. Then, last year, I started writing to Mrs Elsie Hopkinson. She wrote a most courteous letter back to me; and so began my life; AGAIN. Before, I was doing the same dreary things, following the same old routine, day after day after day. Elsie changed all that. We began corresponding - sometimes two or three times a week and we telephoned each other almost every night. Elsie suggested that we meet, and so I journeyed down from Sheffield and we met at East Croydon Railway Station last November. Elsie took me to her home, and we talked and talked.
We discovered that we had the same likes and dislikes in many spheres of life. It was then that I ealized that I was falling in love with Elsie. I proposed to her on Christmas Eve (on one knee!); and she graciously accepted. We got married at Croydon Registry Office on 25 March and we are very happy, - very content - and very, VERY much in love. The only thing that "spoilt" it was that none of my family was able to attend. This was due to my father being very seriously ill in hospital in Sheffield - he died at the end of May. But my mother told me that he was very happy and extremely delighted, as is my mother, brothers and their families.
Elsie's Story: My disabilities are Asthma , osteoporosis and Bell's Palsy.
I joined the Outsiders Club about two years ago on recommendation from
another member. My first husband died five years ago; and every night
I would, literally, cry myself to sleep. I wrote or telephoned; and met
some men and some men wrote or telephoned me.
But they were, on the whole, unsuitable. I was beginning to give up all
hope of ever finding true happiness, when suddenly, last September, I
received a letter from Sheffield. It was from David. My life suddenly
took off. I thought I would never be able to fall in love again, but David
changed all that!! The rest of my story is as David described. My three
grown-up sons and their wives accept him; and my grandchildren (plus one
on the way, which obviously does not count at this stage!!) love him and
adore him.
Conclusion: Thank you, Outsiders, for being there for us. Without you, we doubt very much if we would have known each other, let alone, met each other. We don't pretend that everything is smooth; but we talk over things in the knowledge that love conquers all. Regrets? Only ONE! That we did not meet each other much, MUCH earlier. We are now "associate members" of the club out of thankfulness and gratitude for the club in bringing us together. We hope that our story will inspire other members not to give up hope, or when the going gets tough. If, and/or when, it does; - always remember that there are people in the club who care, and who are only a letter or a phone-call away. People like Ted and Janet.
Thanks ... a TRILLION times!!! YOU ARE THE BEST CLUB IN THE WORLD - and it is our pleasure and our privilege to have been OUTSIDERS. David and Elsie Hartley
Letters to the Editor
Disabled People are Desirable
I have mixed feeling about your idea for the campaign Disabled people are Desirable. On the one hand I accept that disabled people have a negative image in the general public's eyes and you are trying to promote a more positive image however I don't see what desirability has to do with ability or disability.
I have to say that I've met a lot of disabled people and they have been very undesirable. But then I would say the same about many of the able bodied people I've met too. In each case it was about their attitude and outlook that made them undesirable not their disability or ability.
On the other hand attraction and desirability are very subjective things, just because I find someone undesirable because they are miserable and sulky for example doesn't mean everyone will feel the same.
My point being, I do not think all disabled people are desirable. Stating they are would be the same as an able bodied organisation saying all able bods are desirable. And we know that's not true! Or is it? Perhaps desirability lies in the eye of the desirer. In my defence I speak from experience as a disabled person who has dated both able bodied and disabled people.
Yours, Dubiously Desirable
Dropping Sex
We wish to congratulate Robert of East Anglia for his submission in the Spring Edition (No 58) of INSIDE. His opinions mirror ours in that constant talk of sex though important could well be scaring off potential members, threatening our survival for the next 25 years. Sex is a bodily function where as making love is the ultimate action of deeply involved couples. Love making should never be divorced from its true roots. Let people decide what they want.
Please do not force talk of sex on people making out they are not fulfilled if they are not active sexually. This is wrong assuming that people want to experience sex as a bodily function out of the context of a loving relationship. People need to feel wanted, cared for and loved not as is suggested sample sex. Should the need arise we can as individuals satisfy ourselves.
Let us go forward to the second quarter of our existence permitting our members to form long lasting emotional relationships. The only way to do this is to encourage a drastic increase in our membership by dropping the notion that sex is the be all and end of all matters within a relationship! Hear, hear Robert!
Yours, Liz & Marshall of Sudbury
I write in response to Robert of East Anglia letter on dropping the promotion of sex.
When I joined as a member I had no idea what Outsiders was, except a vague notion that it promoted integration and an opportunity for disabled people to have a social outlet.
Since I joined several years ago, that is exactly what I have found it to be, because that is how I interpreted it. Talking to different people over the last few years I find that each person has a different interpretation of it because of different needs.
As a shy disabled female I don't believe I would have joined had it advertised itself as Robert states, "sex for the disabled". In my experience of Outsiders I don't believe it does advertise itself as such or ever has done.
What I like about Outsiders is that it is not afraid to voice that disabled people have sexual needs too, providing an opportunity to seek advice where other agencies fail to accept or even sexual needs of physically disabled people. I don't see acknowledgement and acceptance as promotion of sex for the disabled.
There are enough people out there who have a problem with the idea of disabled people having a relationship, let alone a sexual one, I would be very disappointed if members of the Outsiders had the same prejudices.
Yours, Anonymous
Editorial
My apologies for the lateness of this magazine. I have been struggling
to finish it since the beginning of August but my computer, with its new
MacOSX, wasn't going along with my plans. What a thoroughly frustrating
battle I have had! But I won - with grim determination!
Anyway, welcome to the 59th edition of INSIDE. I am delighted that the magazine is getting lots of response from readers.
Thanks to those of you who wrote in to comment on Robert's plea to drop sex from Outsiders. The Outsiders coordinators discussed his article, and the letters which followed, at a meeting on 6th August. They asked me to write the following as editor of INSIDE, and suggested the magazine limit itself to two letters. One for and one against. This is what I have done. I chose the letters which were most representative and were to the point.
The word "sex" was, in fact, nowhere to be found in the last edition of INSIDE except in Robert's article. I suspect that his article was prompted by my first edition of INSIDE.
I admit it mentioned sex quite often. There was a reason for this - as both James Palmer and I had our writing censored by the previous editor, and we wanted to let rip. I have got over that now (but I'm not so sure about James!).
More important, the word "sex" does not appear on any of our publicity material, nor does it appear in the information about us on our website. This is where most people discover Outsiders these days.
I would like to quote from the disability chapter of our new library book "Guide to Getting it On".
While many people who are disabled would welcome an increased awareness that they are just as sexual as anyone else, clearly some don't. A year ago, when a mainstream glossy magazine for disabled people ran a story on sex and the disabled, some disabled readers were so upset that they cancelled their subscriptions. When hearing about this, you might think the story was Hustler-like and included photos of naked disabled doing things that would have pleased Caligula. In reality, the article was so tame it could have been published in House and Garden. Perhaps the subject of sex brings up huge amounts of frustration and sadness for some disabled people, to the point where they simply get angry at sex itself.
For me, the highlight of this issue of INSIDE is the interview with our member Eric Phipps. After three ethnic minority interviews, I wanted to widen the scope of the interviews. I have wanted to feature Eric's art for some time, and an interview seemed the ideal focus, especially as he is half Brazilian. We picked a Sunday which was warm and sunny and went to sit in Holland Park, near his flat, armed with tape recorded and a big bottle of fruit juice.
I consider the result to be the best interview I have ever conducted, in my decades of interviews. After we finished, Eric asked to hear it. So we played it back, sitting amongst the idle sunbathers, and felt very special. Eric, who claimed he had never heard his voice before, decided he sounded like Tony Blair gone gaga. I questioned the tense. Blind members will hear the interview live on tape. I feel sure this interview will give everyone profound inspiration.
Our lovely new Outsiders notepaper is running out so it's time for a reprint.
I welcome any comments and suggestions before we go to press. It would
also be good to have some ideas for new people to invite to become patrons.
I hope you enjoy this magazine, and are happy with all the changes that are taking place within Outsiders. Your comments are always welcome - essential to our growth and development. They may not all end up on the pages of INSIDE, but they are discussed at coordinators meetings, and influence our strategy.
Be happy, and if you aren't happy yet, make plans!
Practical Suggestions
The Human Awareness Institute personal relationships workshops started by Stan Dale in California. Introductory evenings in London cost £10 in the Diorama (wheelchair accessible venue) and weekends take place in Barnet costing £250. The idea is to help people heal hurt, begin to trust, and define what love, intimacy and sexuality mean to you. HAI is a non-profit organisation run by volunteers. 020 8354 8877 or uk-office@hai.org www.hai.org.
PromoCon Independent advice on continence products in the UK Telephone 0161 834 2001 10am to 3pm Monday - Friday. www.promocon.co.uk/.
Nozone Endorsed by the British Allergy Society, this gadget which converts ozone car fumes to sweet lavender smelling harmlessness. More info from 020 8614 6571.
Disability Equality Making it happen! A booklet free from the Disability Rights Commission 08457 622 633. It details how civil rights for people with disabilities will become possible with a new disability law, but the government may break its promise to pass such a law.
People First A network of groups around the country run by
and for people with learning disabilities, providing an opportunity to socialise,
train and campaign. Telephone 020 7485 6660 email
general@peoplefirst.com
www.peoplefirstltd.com.
Web and Other Resources from Overseas
Abledata - a huge American database of technology, assistive devices, and information. www.abledata.com.
The Novel Approach to Sexuality and Disability by Georgie
Maxfield, executive director of an amputee support group.
Bent--For Gays Who Are Disabled Smart, sophisticated site for guys with disabilities who are gay. Bentvoices.org.
Bi Resource - Links to sites for bi and gay people with various disabilities. www.biresource.org/resources/index.php3?category=9.
Vancouver Hospital's site on sexuality after brain and spinal cord injury - www.scisexualhealth.com.
The Disability Rag regularly covers sexuality issues. P.O. Box 145 Louisville, KY 40201. USA.
Empowerment Zone has links including a few on sex and disabilities. www.empowermentzone.com.
Handicap Introductions (H. I. National Computer Matching) 35 Wisconsin Circle, Ste.# 205, Chevy Chase, MD 20815 USA (001 301) 656-8723
Interdisciplinary Special Interest Group on Sexuality and Disability A networking source for physicians and therapists. American Congress of Rehabilitation Medicine 4700 W. Lake Ave. Glenview, IL 60025.
Multiple Sclerosis--The Immunex MS Site Very cool looking and extremely helpful website for people with MS. It covers all areas of MS, including a section on sexuality. www.msknowledge.com.
One Step Ahead A Newsletter for People With Disabilities, Their Families and Their Friends Often contains sex and relationship-related articles. EKA Publications P. O. Box 65766 Washington, DC 20035, USA.
Polio Survivors' Page - dedicated to those who fought dragons in their youth and now, when the world has grown cold, must fight again.
Project LINK A free service to provide individuals and caregivers with consumer information on finding specific products they require (eg. customized wheelchairs, personal aids, etc. Center for Assistive Technology 515 Kimball Tower, Buffalo, NY 14214, USA. wings.buffalo.edu/go?cat.
Resource List: Sex & Disability Excellent, comprehensive list of resources ranging from abuse to disabled gays and lesbians.
Sexual Health Network Excellent and very helpful site for disabled people. Their links aren't updated but the rest of the site seems very good. www.sexualhealth.com.
Disability & Sexuality (Updated November 2001) Parentbooks. www.parentbookstore.com/disability_sexuality.html [annotated list].
Good Books about Disabilities - Sexuality and Relationships (November 8, 2000) Special Needs Project
HIV/AIDS & Persons with Physical and Mental Disabilities: A Guide to Selected Resources, April 2000. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention National Prevention Information Network. www.cdcnpin.org/topic/disability/journal.htm [annotated list of journal articles].
People - Relationships Planet Amber - Global Health and Disability Resource Center International links. www.planetamber.com/resources/193.htm [links only].
Poughkeepsie: Taconic Resources for Independence, Inc. TRI Online [2000] International links. www.taconicresources.net/dis1.htm#RELATIONSHIPS [links only].
Resources for the Horny and Disabled Goofy Foot Press.
A Sample Of Books And Videos On Sex, Sexuality And Disability (September 1998) Sydney: State Library of New South Wales.
Services And Resources Catalogue For People With Disabilities And Their Carers (date unavailable) Brisbane: Family Planning Queensland.
Disability Resources www.disabilityresources.org/SEX.html.
MossRehab ResourceNet www.mossresourcenet.org/pubsexua.htm.
The Ability Center of Greater Toledo
Silverberg, Cory. Sex Reviewed: A Collection of Resources on Sex and Disability. Canadian Abilities Foundation. Enablelink.
Sexual Health annotated list of sexuality and disability newsletters, with addresses.
Body Image Student website Pages include body image, sex aids, controversy, parenting, book list.
Gimpsex - Disability and Sexuality (US) Personal website. Pages include: sex basics, body image, sex aids, and personal perspectives. www.gimpsex.org.
Sex and Disabilities with Dr. Linda Mona Thrive Online. (US) Chat line and links to "Delilah's advice on sexuality and disability" and other articles.
Sex Disability Research Yahoo!Groups (US) Discussion list.
Enablelink (Canadian Abilities Foundation) Pages include links, organisations, events and chat. http://enablelink.org/sexuality.html?showsex=1 [click on left side column for resources, etc.].
Brejcha Personal and Disability Resource Site (US) Personal web site, includes articles and resources.
The Disability Bookshop (US)
Female Taxis
By Andy Puleston
There's a new Black cab service called Zingo, which has been set up especially for women, and is backed by the Mayor's office. This in response to the women who have been sexually assaulted in the capital last year, and 54 raped, after getting into unlicensed cabs. The service has been designed to allow you to call for a black cab and wait in the club or bar with your friends until the taxi arrives.
The service uses Global Positioning Satellite (GPS) and the location of you mobile phone to match where you are and where the nearest Zingo black cab is Your nearest cab will then be informed, switch off their 'for hire' light and come straight away to collect you - most cabs are with you within 5 minutes. Zingo's number is 08700 700 700. This number is available to mobile phone users only. The charge for using the service is £1.60 which is added to the metered fare by the cabby. Also all of these cabs have credit card facilities if you have run out of cash. Website is
Workshops
During June and July the topic was WHAT COMES AFTER HELLO? and these workshops were run by Shital.
Here are the things people came up with:
- Tuppy said she thought the best tip is this. Ask the person what they would most like to do in the world (something simple, not flying in Concord for example). Then arrange to take them to enjoy that very thing, stating that there are no strings attached. The least this will do is make them think you are a very nice friend. It is certainly a very good way to start a relationship.
- Smile, be approachable, gauge their response and proceed with neutral questions initially whilst getting to know the other person.
- Show an interest in the other person by asking questions about them rather talking about yourself or your problems constantly.
- Try and expand on your own areas of interest so that you always have something to talk about with different people and be able to relate to both sexes.
- For visually impaired members, it is not always obvious when someone is speaking to them as there is no eye contact and it's also impossible to read body language therefore one has to rely on intuition.
- When you feel the other person's fear emerge, show a strong interest in them and make them feel good. If you find it doesn't work move on. Remember that if you know you are rejected you can move on, and we all have the right to reject. Rejection need not always be a negative thing; it is also the gift of freedom to move on to something better.
- Treat people positively by approaching them with warmth and respect as a human being first and disabled second, third or even fourth.
- Get to know someone first before you ask personal questions about disability, remember every one is different and whereas some people don't mind talking to anybody about their disability some others are more sensitive.
- If the prize is worth it, you'll get there!
November Workshop
Tuppy and Victoria ran the November Workshop. We reverted to the original body image format: each person says what he or she thinks others are put off by, and what are their best points. Then everyone else puts in their pennyworth.
Because we had started late (thanks to the Lord Mayor's Show), lots of people had to leave before the workshop ended, so we were unable to get the feedback forms filled in. However, the general consensus was that everyone gained enormously from the afternoon.
For one thing, it was nice to get the undivided attention of a whole crowd of people, nice to find out that most of our worries about ourselves are unfounded, to get compliments and learn more about ourselves. Here are some of the specific things we learnt:-
- One man complained that being of short stature means that people don't take him seriously. He gets patted on the head and patronised. We found this very sad, because he is a good-looking, gentle, supportive and approachable person.
- We suggested that he needs to become more assertive, and insist on being taken seriously. Otherwise he will feel insulted for the rest of his life.
- Another man felt he put women off by being socially clumsy and moody. Other people thought women would find him interesting, very polite and good fun.
- The men wanted to know how to make the first move. It was suggested that women don't want to feel pressurised, but if the man makes no move, she will assume he is not interested. We came up with an idea: that the man could say something like, "Isn't this romantic?" If she disagrees, then he knows not to make a move. If she agrees, this provides encouragement to perhaps hold her hand.
- Lots of people felt their age was a disadvantage and puts people off, and we discussed leaving age out, just incase. Most people who join dating agencies lie about their age, but older people do find partners. Other people felt their weight put people off and it was agreed that most people feel better when they are not overweight, but it's important to feel comfortable about your body.
- One man was not very good at speaking clearly and holding eye contact, and everyone agreed that he needed to boost self-confidence by stopping blaming his disability and age, and becoming more relaxed about himself.
- Another man seemed to speak in a theoretical way rather than from the heart, which may put women off.
- One woman said she thought she was too independent and this puts men off. The men all said they liked her independence and they all thought she was gorgeous.
- A man who had experienced brain injury complained that everyone told him he is a stupid black man. We all thought that he could benefit from going to social groups where he would meet other people who had experienced head injuries, where he might feel more accepted. He could try a local Headway group, or a self-advocacy group such as People First (see Practical Suggestions in this issue).
Interview - Eric
With Eric by Tuppy Owens
Please Note: All the pictures on this page are Copyright Eric Jiana, all rights reserved.
Eric works as an artist under the name of Eric Jiani. Last summer he exhibited five pictures in an art exhibition at the Millinery Works Gallery, London and all five pictures sold! Eric is famous in Outsiders as our devoted raffle ticket seller, raconteur and lively dancer at parties. Tuppy interviewed him on a hot summer day last June, in London's Holland Park.
Tuppy: Hello Eric. You have been a member of Outsiders for some time now. How long has it been?
Eric: Since 1993 - so that will be ten years now!
Tuppy: Wow! Let's go back to the beginning - tell everyone about your incredible upbringing.
Eric: Right. I was born in London and brought up in London and
then Brighton. When I was ten, the family met this Brazilian witch doctor-come-spiritual
healer, and we ended up going to live in Rio de Janeiro, as my father wanted to
do research into his kind of spiritualism. My mother is Brazilian - it was through
her we initially got to know the medium. Eventually, my parents divorced and my
Dad returned to England, bringing us children with him, putting me into a public
boarding school called Downside in Somerset. My mother wanted us back, and anyway,
me and my sisters wanted to go back to Brazil, so when I was fifteen we returned
and I stayed there for the next fifteen years. To begin with, we lived with my
mother and this witch doctor, whom she had married. He turned out to be rather
strange, and dangerous as well. We decided we had to escape - he wouldn't
allow us to leave of our own volition. We had to be very crafty as he was possessive,
violent and insane. One of my sisters escaped first. Then my mother managed to
get away with my two other sisters.
I was nowhere to be found because I was sitting on the toilet. I was sitting there
unaware of the fact they were running away, so got left behind. I didn't
get away till a year later, when my step father got fed up with me, and sent me
to my mother, who was by this time living in Sao Paulo.
Tuppy: It's surprising you haven't died of constipation - I would never have dared to go to the toilet again!
Eric: I was fine. Really. The next five years, living with my mother, was a very stable period of my life. She had a steady 9-5 job, and I started to earn a living as an artist. I found a gallery that bought my pictures and, in 1982 I had my first exhibition, which went very well. I sold a lot of pictures, and made so much I was able to leave home and rent a shared room in a hostel. I stayed there for three and a half years, and it was great – I did my art in a garage and there were always fun characters around. But by 1987, the Brazilian economy was collapsing, and I decided to come to England, and try my luck here.
Tuppy: Some story! At what stage did your Autism get detected?
Eric: Very early on actually. My parents thought I might have
hearing difficulties, so they took me to an ear specialist, who said there was
nothing wrong with my ears, and thought it might be psychological. So I was taken
to a child psychologist, Dr Winnicott, who diagnosed mild Autism , a borderline
case, which he said might become more severe, or else might disappear with age.
He recommended my parents send me to a normal school, where I would have more
chance of getting over it. It does seem to have diminished, because I was very,
very withdrawn as a child. It took a long time for me to talk. I learnt how to
draw before I could talk. Ever since then, I have been moving closer and closer
to reality, but there has always been that difference, which recently I have been
looking into. I now identify myself as having Asperger Syndrome .
Tuppy: You are very matter of fact about all this. Does it upset you at all, to know it?
Eric: It did upset me when I was a kid, but in my late teens, I talked everything over with my mother, and she is a very reasonable, balanced person. She really helped me to accept myself. I tend to think and reflect a lot about everything, and have eventually been able to make some sense of my life. A lot of things which I never understood at all, I understand better now. Much of this is thanks to being aware of my condition and how it effects people. Knowing that I have Asperger Syndrome helps me feel better about my problems.
Tuppy: I have watched you improve myself. I have often been impressed when you come to Outsiders, how well you relate to people with physical disabilities. How does it all tie in for you?
Eric: Physical disabilities don't mean much to me because
I usually see myself as an invisible being that has a body - but that body
isn't me. So when I see other people, whatever the shape of their body,
the body is not really them. I tend to find new people intimidating anyway, regardless
whether they are disabled or not. So, if they have got three eyes, or no eyes
at all, it hardly makes any difference.
They are all equally intimidating!
Tuppy: Why do you find new people so intimidating?
Eric: Because I have spent so much time by myself. I am wrapped up in myself. Even when I am with other people, I feel very apart from everybody and everything. Everything else seems "out there". Once I know how it's all working, once I get to know a person, it's OK. When I don't know a person, it's very strange. Human beings, in particular, I find very hard to understand. I can understand animals and plants better than humans. And even though I have lived with myself for forty five years, I still find myself a bit strange as well, as if part of me is alien. So, if I have that view of myself, imagine how I think of others!
Tuppy: Yes. So how have you got on with forming personal relationships?
Eric: Well, I never had a relationship as such, although I had
lots of crushes on girls, and I find lots of girls attractive. But recently, over
the past four years, I have met someone through Outsiders, who I regard as very
special, very unique in my life. This has been a new experience, which I am still
grappling with. It is totally new for me and what I can say is that she is the
loveliest person I have ever met. I would like her to know that I really love
her - I have never loved anyone else to this extent.
Though I have been finding it very difficult to relate to her, and I am sure she finds
me a very very difficult person indeed, I'm seeing a counsellor about it,
and trying my very best to overcome my difficulties. I really do believe that,
with perseverance, one day I will be able to overcome these problems. I have this
dream - I will do a Martin Luther King: "I have a dream". My dream
is that when I am seventy and Julie is sixty and we are both shut up in an old
person's home, we will get married and live happily ever after. It would
be a really nice way to end my life. By the time I am seventy, I will probably
be too gaga to be difficult anyway!
Tuppy: It's hard to imagine you being difficult. Do you have fun with Julie?
Eric: Yes! Sometimes we play football. We always go for walks and have picnics. Usually we prepare sandwiches. We have jokes about what the sandwiches are called. Sometimes I call my sandwiches Baboon Muck Sandwiches and she says hers are Dog Slobber Sandwiches. There was a time when we used to have meals in pubs, but that worked out too expensive, so now we enjoy our home-made sandwiches and our biscuits. We used to sit and sunbathe on beaches, but now she has moved further from the coast, we tend to visit woods and streams. I bring my song books and we often sing songs together in the open air.
Tuppy: Sweetness! It reminds me of couples in Nepal who sing to each other before making love.
Eric: My mother told me in Brazil, in my grandmother's days, the man would play the guitar and sing underneath the window of the woman he loved.
Tuppy: Bring back serenading!
Getting back to you, what are the difficulties you encounter with your relationship?
Eric: The funny thing is with Julie, when we get very close, everything goes well. But when something happens that I don't understand about her, I get black feelings inside, I find the relationship hard to handle and blow it. There are things that used to throw me about Julie that don't phase me any more. So I am progressing. My counsellor seems to think I am progressing as well. So there's still hope in the old dog.
Tuppy: Is your counsellor a specialist?
Eric: She's a cognitive behaviourist working in an organisation called the Hoffman de Visme Foundation. They provide services for people with Aspergers and Autism spectrum disorders.
Tuppy: Is she free? Cheap?
Eric: It's £38 per session, but some counsellors offer discounts.
Tuppy: I suppose that's not bad, as you are employed. Tell me about your work.
Eric: Since coming to England, it hasn't been as easy as I thought it might be to earn a living from my art. I spent years looking for a job and finally I got one in a shoe shop. That was quite eye opening. When the shop closed down, I got another job in a bakery, selling bread. I found this job stressful as I was expected to do too many things all at the same time. I was thinking of leaving, when I found my current job, which was through Outsiders!
Tuppy: Really! What's that?
Eric: I went to Michael Solomons' party and one of his
friends had asked me to bring my guitar along. She just happened to be a carer
for adults with severe mental disabilities. She told me my music was suitable
for music therapy, but I was reluctant because I was not trained or anything.
So she offered me half the rate, in order to try the job, and this rate was twice
as much as I was earning in the bakery. So I went for it. Then I found work in
another home as well, and could afford to leave the bakery. The first couple of
years were difficult because I hadn’t built up a repertoire, but then it
took off. Now I have found the secret is to build the repertoire from songs I
know, and the more I include, the more successful it is. At the moment, I’ve
got more work than I’ve ever had, and it’s going from strength to
strength.
Tuppy: Wonderful! Can you give me an example of the sort of sessions you do?
Eric: Basically, most sessions last an hour, and take place in the living room of the home. The homes are quite small - with anything from three to ten residents. Usually they sit around while I play my guitar and sing the songs. I've got other instruments, like maracas, tambourines and shakers, which I share out, and they play along with me, and sing and clap their hands. Sometimes they make requests - the most popular are Daisy Daisy, Ba Ba Black sheep and She Loves You Yeah Yeah. Often, the staff seem to enjoy it more than the clients. They dance too, and it's amazing.
Tuppy: It sounds extremely satisfying. Are they all ages?
Eric: All adults, mostly middle aged upwards, although a few
are quite young.
Some of them are severely autistic, but a couple of them remind me of me! I can
see a bit of myself in them!
Tuppy: Wow! Finally, do tell me about your art. It's a pity that INSIDE is published in black and white, because one of the most stunning aspects of your work is the colours you use. I hope readers will look at the pictures on your website, to see them in their full glory.
Eric: Yes, I hope so. My art is very important to me. It is an
activity I discovered when I was a child. Presumably my parents must have given
me pencil and paper for me to doodle around, and I took to it like duck to water.
I loved it. When I discovered all the things you can do with a pencil and paper,
I was amazed. In those days I not only had crushes on girls, but on other things
too, like snails and trees and factories and maps and things. I would try to draw
all these things. Especially trees. I wanted to become whatever I had a crush
on. So whenI fell in love with a tree, I wanted to become that tree, and when
I fell in love with a snail, I wanted to become the snail. But the next best thing
was to draw it. Drawing the tree or the snail gave me a lot of satisfaction. Especially
drawing maps.
I would invent imaginary countries. Everything developed from there. When I decided
to become a professional artist, I started studying other pictures to see how
other artists used techniques. I picked up a bit that way.
Tuppy: What is your technique?
Eric: Pen and ink on paper, with a watercolour wash over it.
Tuppy: They seem to be surreal townscapes with lots of people looking very busy.
Eric: A lot of nature, a mixture of real places and people and imaginary places and people mixed together.
Tuppy: Do you still love snails and trees?
Eric: Yes, I still do in a way. So many things in nature I find incredibly beautiful. I still feel I am in love with nature, and it inspires my art.
Tuppy: How does sex enter this equation?
Eric: Well, theoretically, sex sounds like good stuff, although personally I have never had an opportunity to get into it. This was mainly because I didn't have a chance to be with someone who turned me on. Now, with Julie, it is staring me in the face. Although I have had very beautiful experiences with Julie, I have also had strange disturbing feelings, and there is a lot I still need to work at before I can come to terms with it all. Sex seems utterly alien - extra-terrestrial to me. I still haven’t got used to it. I've only ever done it once and that was with a prostitute, and funnily enough, that was not a mind-blowing experience at all. It was like glorified Masturbation . It didn't seem at all outstanding. I know there's enormous potential, but I must get my emotions sorted out first.
Tuppy: Are you able to enjoy physical affection?
Eric: Yes! Hugging Julie is the most pleasant experience I have ever had in my life. To be honest, anything more pleasant than that would absolutely blow my mind. Even if I never get any further than hugging Julie, that is good enough for me.
Tuppy: It's been amazing listening to you. Can you do me a favour, and tell me exactly what you think about Outsiders, with any ideas for our future, where we should go?
Eric: I often think about Outsiders. For me personally, Outsiders has been totally fulfilling. I can't think of any moment when I've been disappointed. Outsiders has opened so many doors for me, that often I find it hard to understand why it isn't like that for everybody. Obviously, each person is different. It's difficult to imagine which way we should go forward. I think we need to find a way of reaching a greater number of people, and showing that wide diversity of people that they can find what they are looking for through Outsiders, if they put their mind to it, and don't have unrealistic expectations. What helped me a lot when I joined, was that I was not specifically looking for a partner, but wanted to expand my social life. I was happy living an isolated existence, but I thought it would be better to make some friends. So finding friends was a bonus, which gave my life a boost, and then finding Julie was a double whammy. I think the secret is not expecting too much, and being happy with what you get. And if you get nothing, still be happy anyway.
Tuppy: That's the best advice I've ever heard. But you need to be a very special person to achieve this. Like you. Thank you for sharing all this with us, and good luck.
You can see Eric's work on www.eric-jiani-artist.com.
The Hoffman de Visme Foundation is at Interiors House, Unit B, Lynton Road, London N8. Telephone 020 8341 1931 or 020 8342 7310.
Low Flyer Keeps Going
by Stephen O'Kane
Since I finished at university nearly 25 years ago I've been writing. I started in a writers circle in Hanover, Brighton. They were most interested in poetry - it made me realise I could do poetry occasionally but hardly worth the blood and sweat of bashing away at publishers! But I still fill up notebooks with my inmost thoughts; where I can be as rude as I feel. That follows the "automatic writing" technique the teacher talked about: jot down whatever comes into your head and that sparks off ideas to work on.
These days I concentrate on moral philosophy; both because I'm sick of various sets of prejudices inherited from the past that don't work any more, and because that's the way I can use the academic knowledge and experience I have. There's no philosophy I entirely agree with - or that I think is all wrong. I make up my own collage.
I do this because otherwise the job market expects someone like me to be a "high flyer" of some sort. I know from experience that pressure jobs like that would land me up in bed after about 7 days. Get this - the medical profession have 4 possible names for something called "ME" or "chronic fatigue", etc. Now the Americans are proposing Neuroendocrineimmune Dysfunction Syndrome (NDS): giving us 5 to choose from!! No wonder the research is slow - they can't agree on what they're researching!
With diet, vitamins, pacing myself, relaxation, Homeopathy , inhalers, and so on, my health is better but I have to stay a low flyer with the wordprocessor and Internet rather than a high flyer to the top.
As far as I can I help my 79 year-old mother. She's very brave and active but arthritis is especially painful and limiting; she walks with difficulty and she's not steady on her feet. That's an interesting experience. The home helps/cleaners come from Montserrat (that one came to Britain after the volcano disaster), Macedonia, Romania.... Currently we have a Spanish one trying to further her education. We can't travel much, but the world comes to a flat near the seafront in the City of Brighton and Hove (as it now calls itself!). Where I can particularly help is dealing with the agencies when the home helps keep changing, or coming late, or whatever.
Yes - I've "moved on" over the last 20 years (slowly!) and I know more where I'm going these days. Outsiders has been better for me than friendship/dating outfits I tried many years ago. More letters, more friends and contact. It might be better still if last year's attempt to start something in Brighton (which I tried to support) had come off. (Brighton's a great place for old folks and English language students). I get to most of London lunches, which is nice especially as they're in the afternoon and get home at a nice time.
Poem
by James
You've got some unusual
ideas that may not be
popular with the status
quo, but don't
let that prevent
you from
discussing them.
It's always a good idea to distinguish
yourself as a free-thinker. Otherwise, authority
figures will think you're prone to
manipulation. Contrary to what others may
think, you do have a
right to your own opinion.
Review
"Desires" by Penny Pepper - 2003 Bejamo Press, Woodford Green, Essex.
Reviewed by Ben of East Anglia
Penny Pepper has written this collection of short stories about people with disabilities, intending, as she says, to 'break the chains of stereotyping, of notions of tragedy and uselessness'.
Unfortunately, Penny has herself fallen into the trap of stereotyping - for her, 'disability' seems to equal 'wheelchair user'. Within these eight stories, all the main characters are wheelchair users, the majority having stiff legs, unyielding hips, and twisted or short arms. All but one are female. Whilst two of these characters do use crutches sometimes, instead of their wheelchairs, there is little acknowledgement of any other form of disability, with only a passing mention of a visually impaired man and a woman with an undefined invisible disability.
Another stereotype which has been reinforced, is the idea that 'sex' equals 'penile penetration'. Many of the stories involve characters agonising over ways to achieve what they perceive as 'normal' sexual activities, with little exploration of alternative ways for people to achieve real closeness and pleasure. All the characters are seeking heterosexual relationships, and the only mention of same-sex experience is a description of lesbianism as a perversion.
In writing from her own experiences, Penny has added her own prejudices and her book includes several salvos against the medical establishment. Physiotherapy is described as torture by the young girls in the first story, but this childish view is repeated elsewhere by adult characters, who seem to have no concept of either the possible value of the therapy, or their rights, as adults, to refuse the treatment.
In 'The Quiet Paradox', a young woman describes older doctors as 'arrogant pigs who shoved you around like poor quality meat or probed you as a lifeless indifferent lab specimen'. Whilst this is the character speaking, Penny's own stereotypical view of doctors comes across.
The female lead characters, on the whole, lead miserable unsatisfied lives. In contrast, the story 'Fooling for Charlie' is about a male who, although a wheelchair user, has an independent life, a job, a flat, a car, and a busy social life.
'Summer is Free' is Penny's most accomplished work in this collection. Set in the 80's it details a young woman's first romance and sexual experience. The hero, Mark, is a care worker with socialist tendencies, which amount to him moaning about Thatcher, supporting the miner's strike, and enjoying pot. This story is enjoyable, but is let down by the ending, which seems to say "Don't have fun, it will only end in heartbreak".
Incidentally many of the stories include casual drug-taking, presumably to suggest a certain 'hipness', but one wonders where the youngsters depicted in 'Girls Wank Too' could have obtained their supply, living as they do in a very restrictive residential unit.
'Seven Days' leaves you worrying about the heroine's lack of self-worth and her self-destructive behaviour. Within the space of a week, she indulges in sexual acts with 7 different men, gets raped, debates whether she asked for it, then shrugs it aside. If only recovery from sexual assault were that easy.
Penny does capture very well the frustrated lives experienced still by many disabled people living in residential care homes, or with aging parents. She describes the way parents and care staff contrive to treat disabled adults as children, denying them any chance to express natural adult emotions, and failing to acknowledge, whether by ignorance or design, the possibility of them having any sexual or romantic relationships.
Penny also expresses the indignation and hurt which people with disabilities feel, when they are ridiculed, ignored or patronised by the 'able-bodied'. She briefly touches on other topics which affect the lives of disabled people, such as the mis-use of their Motorbility car by family members, lack of proper access in buildings and public transport, and the still prevalent attitude that a wheelchair is a restriction, not a mobility aid.
One short-coming of this book is the poor proof-reading and typesetting. Spelling mistakes and poor punctuation could have been avoided, as well as the confusion of the main character inexplicably changing her name for two paragraphs in 'The Summer is Free'
Hopefully Penny will now be working on her next publication, in which she will be able to tell the stories of men and women with a wider range of life experiences and disabilities.
Aunty Tuppy
Warning! - some, well most, of these letters contain sexual instructions. (that is usually what people ask me about).
If you have problems, please email Tuppy at auntytuppy@clara.co.uk.
Dear Tuppy,
I'm a very confident man with a slight disability, and feel I have a lot of love to give the right woman. My problem is that I cannot find her. The women I like are never interested in me, and the ones who like me, are not my type. What shall I do?
Eternally Single
Dear Eternally Single,
You may have plenty of confidence in other things, but you obviously don't have the knack in getting the women you want. Why don't you forget all that love you want to give away, and start going out with some of the women who seem to like you, get to know them and have some fun. Then you might learn a little more about women, drop some of your misconceptions, become more emotionally mature, and gain skills in finding what you want. Plus, I suspect that all that confidence is seen as arrogance by the women you meet. Try a little vulnerability.
Dear Tuppy,
My boyfriend moved in with me a couple of months ago, and now he seems to be taking over! He has made me promise I will not talk to anyone about the way things are between us, and actively discourages me from seeing my friends and family. I am beginning to feel trapped and frightened. Please advise.
Crushed
Dear Crushed,
It's your home, and this new man should be doing as you say, and respecting your wishes. You have got to stand up for yourself. Give us a call at Outsiders and talk things through with us. You are right to feel threatened. Men who restrict women in this way are usually insecure and unstable. They gain control by making you feel unworthy. They restrict your contacts, so they can get away with causing you harm. If you cannot stand up to him on your own, ask someone you trust to help you. Don't delay - things will only get worse.
Dear Tuppy,
I have weak arms and hands so would be no good at touching a woman, holding her hands or stroking. Can you advise me on how I can compensate for this. I feel helplessly inadequate.
Feeble Fingers
Dear Feeble Fingers,
Most women welcome gentleness. Any tiny movement of your fingers over her skin could feel like magic. Women aren't looking for performance artists: they want a partner who communicates, So long as you show interest, do what you can, stay inventive and receptive, and are not too proud to ask her help you with things you cannot manage, I am sure you will be amazed at how much pleasure you can give. Invest in a feather duster and re-invent your sense of humour.
Dear Tuppy
I've been e-mailing a man for almost a year and we have been having enormous fun on-line. We have now decided to meet up. He knows I am disabled, and says he is really looking forward to meeting me. So I should have nothing to fear. Reality is, I am petrified. I know I should relax, look happy and confident, but right now I feel like hiding under the bedclothes and shouting, "come and get me!" If I have to meet him without a few stiff drinks inside me, I will throw up with nerves. If it wasn't so important to me, I wouldn't feel this way. Is there any advice you can give me to help me over this hurdle?
Big Moment Girl
Dear Big Moment Girl,
Everyone would find this really intimidating and remember that he will probably be feeling just as nervous. I suggest you discuss your meeting-up plans very carefully, and mention your nerves to him. Perhaps you could agree that feeling very nervous might take away the magic and reduce the natural chemistry, you will try not to make your judgements on whether you are right for one another on this initial date. Some people might find it easier to meet at an event where there are lots of things to do. For example, going to the races and placing bets. That way you're not stuck there looking at each other face on. Other people would find it more relaxing to meet in a park, or at a friend's home. Or at an Outsiders lunch. Lots of people meet up for the first time at the lunch. It gives them a choice of staying together or mingling. If you think this might help, give your confidence a boost by having your hair done, your make-up done, and buying a new outfit. Anything to make you feel special. On the other hand, imagine how he will feel, having experienced you only on his computer, having the opportunity to be with you in person! He will be hungry for your warmth and womanness beside him. He might prefer you au natural, rather than tarted up with hair spray and oil paint! Use that power of being a real live woman to help you feel more confident in situations like this! Finally, remember the best way to get to know someone is by listening. Concentrate on the fact that he is probably feeling nervous and make it easy for him, by encouraging him to talk. Then all you will have to do is sit there and take in what he is saying. Good luck.
Dear Tuppy,
I am in the mood to visit a prostitute, but am nervous about the legalities. Please advise.
Horny
Dear Horny,
Paying for sex is legal, and being a prostitute is legal. There are laws restricting prostitutes from advertising, renting a flat, and working together, and restricting other people making money out of them or living off them, but these laws are rarely enforced. The police do sometimes come down on brothels, street walkers and kerb crawlers but, on the whole, they allow the business to carry on, so long as there are no drugs, under-age people or exploitation involved. You will find some advise for disabled people on visiting sex workers on pages 89 and 90 on Practical Suggestions. You may also like to visit the TLC surrogacy website: tlc-trust.org.uk.
Dear Tuppy,
Since the break-up with my last partner, death of my mother, and losing my job, I have found my self esteem has plummeted. Do you have any pick-me up tips for a sad old thing?
Sad Old Thing
Dear Sad Old Thing
Grab the redundancy money and whatever mother left you, invest half, and take a long holiday, preferably by seaside, in Thailand, or somewhere you fancy.
Pick a place where the Happy Young Things hang out. You will soon find you foot tapping, a smile appearing on your face, your cares behind you and your self esteem returning. Stay long enough for us all to miss you enormously so you have a great welcome on your return.
Dear Tuppy,
My MS seems to have made me completely numb down there, as well as in my breasts. Have you any recommendations?
Numb
Dear Numb,
You could try stimulating other parts of your body which have more sensation. You could also try increasing the stimulation, for example with a vibrator. The strongest vibrations come from mains vibrators which are sold in electrical shops. Another route would be to increase your fantasy life so that erotic turn-ups compensate for lack of sensation. This could be a frustrating journey, if you get turned on and are unable to reach orgasm, but each individual is different, and it's up to us to find out what pleases us best. You may find it helpful to create a more erotic environment in your home, especially in your bedroom, as many women find having rails and other gadgets which help them with their physical disability, are a bit of a turn-off. I hope sensations return and pleasures continue.
Dear Tuppy,
I have a mild learning disability and keep getting turned away from nightclubs in London. The Beautiful Octopus is not so regular now and I wonder if there is anything else you can recommend?
Cool Dude
Dear Cool Dude
Yes, there are plenty of new clubs, following in the great success of the Beautiful Octopus. They include The Wild Bunch, Moon River, Squids Club, Westsiders and W6 Funky Club - pretty much something once a week. Check out the website www.wildbunchclub.com which lists dates for them all, although you may need to phone 020 7359 7443 (on Mondays) for more details of venues. There's also a network of activity clubs run by SNAC which you can reach on 01268 583 181. They might be up for holding discos if they don't do so already.
Massage Therapy
My name is Els. I am a Mobile Massage Therapist, which means that I visit people at their homes for the treatment. I tailor the treatment so that it takes into account the needs of the individual who I am with, and it is suitable for most people. My aim is that afterwards, your muscles would become more loose, you would feel calm and you would feel that you had been cared for.
Massage works through touch, and is holistic, meaning treating the body as a whole - physically, psychologically and spiritually. It promotes health and wellbeing, as well as healing. Traditionally in Britain a practitioner will manipulate the skin and muscles. This has knock-on effects. Massage relieves muscle tension and pain and improves muscle tone and relaxation. It increases blood and lymph circulation to organs, muscles and skin so increasing the supply of oxygen and nutrients and removing more accumulated toxins. It decreases the heart rate and blood pressure. It encourages better digestion. It soothes the nervous system and calms and clears the mind. The massage uses oils, which are applied to the skin. The recipient is unclothed but covered with towels and only the part of the body being worked on is uncovered. A full body massage consists of the back, feet and legs, hands and arms, abdomen, upper chest, head and face being massaged. A part body massage can also be done, for instance, foot massage, hand massage, head massage or back massage.
This type of massage therapy is based on Swedish Massage - pioneered by a Swedish physiologist in the 18th Century. Since then it has been adapted as other techniques have been incorporated from other medical systems (for instance the use of pressure points from oriental medical systems) and also new techniques have been developed and incorporated (for instance massaging with no-hands, using forearms, knuckles and elbows instead). Different styles of massages now offer the choice of being clothed or unclothed.
If you were to have a treatment, together we would complete a consultation form, which would give me a background to your health. It is taken in confidence so I would never share the information with anyone else, but it is necessary to ascertain the best treatment. We would decide whether you wanted a clothed or unclothed massage, as I do both. The unclothed massage would be as described above. The recipient would be lying on a couch. The massage would always be rhythmic and relaxing but if necessary deeper techniques could be added, working on specific areas of muscular adhesions or knots.
The clothed massage could either be Indian Head Massage - a seated massage that works on the face, head, neck and shoulders - releasing tension in these areas where it commonly builds, or Yogic Massage. This is a form of massage that allows the recipient to become profoundly tranquil before any bodywork is performed. The recipient lies on a couch while the practitioner holds and waits with awareness for subtle changes in the body. The recipient may fall asleep or find him or her self in an almost meditative state of calm. Once this mental state is achieved the body will naturally let go of tensions and gentle stretching reinforces this message to the muscles. It is even possible to mix many of these styles.
If you are interested in a massage please contact me. I work in London and would be willing to go to homes in the boroughs of Wandsworth, Hammersmith and Fulham, Kensington and Chelsea, Westminster, Lambeth and Merton. I offer a sliding scale of fee, based on the income of the person and how far I would have to travel. The maximum fee for 60 minute massage would be £40.
Contact Details: Els Payne on elspayne@hotmail.com.
Searching for a Star
Marie Claire want to interview a good looking disabled female under 35 who can talk about Outsiders and her life searching for a partner. This article should encourage more women to join Outsiders, so it is very important to us. Anyone willing to be featured, with photos, please call the office on 020 7354 8291.
Outsiders will be seeking spokespeople of both sexes to represent the club during our Anniversary publicity campaign. Volunteers welcome.
We also seek models for our photographic exhibition Body Acceptance. This would provide you with a fantastic opportunity to get involved with something very special.
Come on!
Library
Outsiders Members can borrow any of the books or videos from our extensive library. These are some new additions.
531 Relationships and Intimacy - The impact of MS on sexuality and loving by Frederick W Foley PhD, published in 2003 by the MS Society.
Covers the range of ways MS affects how people feel and function and how to explore all the possibilities available.
531 Erectile Dysfunction in MS - published in 2003 by the MS Society
Discusses what to do if you cannot get hard, including non-penetrative sex, Viagra, using drugs in the penis, vacuum devices, implants and a vibrator. Includes the number for the Impotence Association 020 8767 7791 and the MS Helpline 0808 800 8000.
533 Desires -
Book of short stories about disabled people and sex, written by one of our members and published privately. Reviewed elsewhere in this magazine.
534 Guide to Getting It On! by Paul Joannnides
The Universe's Coolest and Most Informative Book and Sex for all adults of all ages by Paul Joannnides 694pp 2000 Vermillion London. Anyone who reads this book and takes the advice seriously, especially if you are disabled, should have no problem keeping partners very happy indeed. It's hip and funny and down-to-earth and refreshingly all inclusive. If you would like to have the chapter on disability sent to you, we can photocopy those 20 pages and post them off.
535 Disability Rights Handbook 28th Edition
A guide to benefits and services for all disabled people, their families, carers and advisers. Published by the Disability Alliance 2003.
The End
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor
The dark thought, the shame, the malice
meet them at the door laughing
and invite them in
Be grateful for whoever comes
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond
Next Issue
Contributions to the next issue to be sent to the address below by 1st March 2004
INSIDE
is edited by Tuppy Owens
It is published several times a year
by The Outsiders Trust, BCM Box Lovely, London WC1N 3XX
email: outsiders@clara.co.uk