Our 25th Anniversary plans and fundraising have been keeping me busy, hence the delay in getting this magazine to press. Apologies, and sorry this edition is slightly rushed. I plan to give up my fund-raising activities next year, cash willing, in order to devote more time to Outsiders and give you more personal attention. Plus, it would be a good opportunity to train a new editor of this magazine, if anyone interested feels they have editorial potential, knowledge of Quark Express, and are happy to chase stories amongst the members. Apologies also go to Eric Phipps whose interview in the last issue was mistakenly accompanied by paintings from a 70's exhibition called Outsiders.
I had put these pictures my computer, and thought they were Eric's! I am now making up for my errors by creating the gallery of his pictures beside his article in this issue. To welcome our new Patron, Jane Gibbin, I conducted the interview with her on page 17. I shall be interested to hear your response to her campaigning ideas and what you would personally like to attempt. Jane sends her apologies that one of her daughters decided to get married on 14th August so she won't be able to come along to contribute to our 25th Anniversary.
I hope you like the new poster and will take copies along to your local venues such
as day centres, surgeries, libraries and wheelchair accessible restaurants and bars
to get them displayed.
This is a great way to attract new members who live nearby.
Outsiders is anxious to get a regular lunch established in the North of England
and ask members who live there to find a suitable venue. I recognise that this edition
is weighted heavily towards the running of the Outsiders Trust.
We are going through radical improvements which you should know about. The next edition would benefit from having more stories from members, so please send in yours. With your support, our Anniversary Re-Launch will attract lots of wonderful new members to Outsiders, all over the country, and bring fun and happiness to us all.
We have been working towards this anniversary event for almost a year now, so please make effort to come along. Not only will this be a once-in-a-lifetime chance to experience things that have never occurred before in the history of mankind, encompassing the whole loving and bon-amie essence of Outsiders, we are inviting others to join us, to observe Outsiders in action and make up their minds whether they wish to affiliate with us. Don't let them find an empty room! We absolutely rely on you members to be there - surely you wish to support the lifeline we try to provide for you?
The celebration was discussed at the April lunch where members wanted to ensure the event involves the following:
If you would like to help in any way, taking part in the fashion show, welcoming guests or whatever, please offer your services. Earlier in the year, we applied for grants to finance this event and were disappointed that the Arts Council couldn't recognise the artistic significance of what we are doing. "Who's Gorgeous?" will offer a photographic image as its central focus (our member, Eleni, looking gorgeous), and unique performances. Our evening event, Plong! was designed to revolutionise socialising to include everyone with sensory impairments and social disabilities such as Autism and Aspergers Syndrome. Because of lack of funding, parts of Plong! will be tacked onto the end of the afternoon event, and the party transferred to Regent's Park with a picnic.
Thanks to Awards for All, who are financing the event. You can bring PAs and friends, and it would be helpful to know in advance who is coming, so please tell us how many tickets you require. This will be a wonderful opportunity for networking, meeting many other members, our Trustees, Advisers, Patrons and supporters. Be there.
The Club's London office is running smoothly, sorry about the delays due to a backlog at the beginning of the year. We have a new addition to the team - Eleni has joined us and quite livens up the working day (if it could get any livelier!). We now have Alan on computer, Sue and Janet on the phones, Eleni writing letters and Eric stuffing envelopes.
The Outsiders Christmas Dinner was a veggie Indian in South London. This would have been purgatory for Alan, so we sought an alternative, and eventually found the ideal! Sue and Tuppy took him off to School Dinners, where we had a mighty good time.
The first members of the Outsiders Advisory Board met the Board of Trustees on 11th May and everyone was fascinated to learn all about the different aspects of the Club. The full Advisory Board, and any interested members will invited to the AGM on the evening of 9th November, at which we will be celebrating Tuppy's 60th birthday!
SPOD left their office in Camden with the agreement with Islington Council that Outsiders would inherit it's three-room-plus-garden office, once the building had been renovated. The property got squatted and the squatters emailed us to say they liked what Outsiders is doing, have mended the gutters etc and would move out as soon as we were ready to move in. Nothing was stopping us other than the green light from the council. Then we heard the truth. Islington are going to sell the entire building. End of a dream!
Thanks to the lovely couple in France who run the Jackson Charitable Trust for pledging another £2,500 to help pay our office rent. Also to Malcolm Pearce who donated yet another £1000 on stage at our fund-raising night, and has been awarded the status of Patron. And once again, thank you Awards for All, for your generous funding of our 25th Anniversary. Melissa is currently applying to the Department of Health for core funding, and a select goup of suitable grant giving trusts. Yet again, you, the members yourselves have donated a large chunk of the money we need to run Outsiders, over and above your subscriptions. Thank you fall for your generosity and endeavours.
The Outsiders website continues to be a great asset to the club, thanks to the efforts of Alan Taylor struggling along despite his back pain which prevents him from sitting up. He can now send members the website on CD if that suits you. Just ask. You can also chat to other outsiders online. If we have an email address for you in the Outsiders office, you will be getting an email inviting you to join an Internet group exclusive use of Outsiders members. There are no fees or subscriptions to pay, and you will NOT receive any junk mail as a result of joining.
It's called OutsidersChat, set up by our Trustee, Kim Baulkham. There are no strict rules about what you write - your interests or needs, like asking for someone to come along to see a film with you. One of the big advantages is that the messages are "threaded", rather like being at a party and being able to join in every conversation that's going on. Kim has started off some threads all ready, but everyone has equal rights on this group, The group has great potential - we can add photos, vote on issues, and add links to you favourite web sites. You can even chat live to anybody else who is connected to the site at the same time as you are, or connect a microphone or webcam and watch and talk to each other.
For new and current members We know it can be quite intimidating for new members to come to our lunches, not knowing anybody or knowing what to expect. Our volunteers are members who have experienced similar difficulties and so they are really understanding. If you are worried, please call us and ask for us to look out for you at the door, welcome you in, introduce you to a considerate bunch of people who will take an interest in you and won't abandon you. Remember that lots of the people around you feel just like you, even though they may have found a way to appear relaxed and confident. The wonderful thing about our lunches is that everyone gets accepted.
But people won't be welcoming if you dwell on your problems. We treasure these events to have a laugh with people, whatever their disability or problem, and swap views about the positive aspects of being alive. If you have a personal worry or difficulty, the thing to do is to ask one of the volunteers to take you into a quiet corner for a chat. Newcomers should realise that even the most socially inexperienced people can grab the attention of new friends and potential partners by wearing a smile, making yourselves as knowledge-able as possible, and taking an interest in those around you.
Victoria runs the Workshops at the London lunches and writes them up for INSIDE for everybody to share.
The first luncheon of the New Year provided some new faces and another interesting group. The workshop today was run on the idea of "How does it feel to be single?" and the group of 12 split into small groups of 2s and 3s to discuss the question. To guide their discussions they all had a piece of paper with a plus and minus sign on it and they had a go at brainstorming all the positives and negatives of the state of singledom.
When we reformed to share our points a really interesting discussion ensued. We started off looking at some of the perceived negative aspects of being single and it turned out that many groups had come up with similar ideas. Some of the negatives mentioned included: missing an intimate relationship; feeling lonely sometimes; not having a partner to confirm your attractiveness; falling into a vicious circle of not considering yourself 'in the dating game' anymore. One group mentioned that being single can be particularly difficult on Sundays - and almost everyone round the table sighed in agreement. We all felt that Sunday can seem like a day designed for couples and if you are feeling vulnerable Sunday can heighten your feelings of loneliness.
The biggest overriding factor that people said was negative about being single was other people's attitudes. Many of the group said that they were quite happy being single - they just felt under constant pressure from the outside world to be in a couple. We discussed how the media emphasises coupledom, how friends in couples can sometimes isolate themselves from you and how family can nag and question why you aren't married with kids yet! On a positive note, the fact that this was the biggest annoyance of being single to many people shows that for many of us being single isn't in itself the problem - it is the attitude of others who can make us feel as if we have a problem.
Next we moved on to look at the positives of being single and for most groups the list on the positive side was longer than the one on the negative side. All groups mentioned that one pleasure of not having a partner is the freedom and independence it allows. From choosing our own food and clothes to deciding how to spend our free time, many people really enjoyed the lifestyle choices that come from being single. They said that they have more time for their interests and friends and that friendships can be a wonderful way of having satisfying relationships.
Some people mentioned that they have had past relationships where they felt they lost their sense of self and when they are single they can feel confident of having a strong self-identity all of their own. Others mentioned the jealousies and arguments that can arise in partnerships, particularly ones that are not going well. Interestingly the women in the group said that they found one positive of being single was the decreased workload - no cleaning up after their partner! However, one of the groups of men came up with the exact opposite: they said that one disadvantage of not having a partner is that you have to do more cleaning and cooking! Needless to say a good-humoured discussion started after THAT statement!
In conclusion the issue of single life was one that most people had lots to say about. It appears that many Outsiders members feel single, happy and proud and embrace the positive aspects of the single life. As well as recognising the joys that can come out of meeting a partner, today we discussed how hopes for the future can start by accepting where we are now.
February's Outsider's luncheon happened to fall on Valentine's Day - a day that some people enjoy, some people ignore and some people try to avoid altogether! The workshop was run on the theme of love - celebrating all the different forms of love that we can feel for many different things in our lives.
An amazing turnout meant that members were split into 6 groups of 5 people. Each group was given a 'Valentines card' that said only on the front "Love Is...". The task given to each group was to fill out the inside of the card with their combined answers to two questions: 1. what is love? 2. list some of the things that you feel love for. Some people found it easier to list the things they felt love for whereas others preferred tackling that age-old philosophical question about what love is. Either way each group came up with wonderful long lists of ideas.
Many different things were mentioned as things that people love. Some of the things that were listed more than once included: chocolate; family; listening to music; country walks and lounging on the beach; sex; laughing; reading and sleeping (not necessarily listed in order of importance!). Some of the more individual pleasures that different people love included: puzzles and quizzes; scuba diving, foreskins, women in rubber dresses; independent people, skiing in bright sunshine; Sunday papers and silence. As for the task of defining the word love - the groups defined such a broad term in a variety of ways.
Some groups took love to mean being in love and we had some wonderful descriptions of how that can feel: things flow easily; you feel connected and open together; infatuated, something that grasps your heart and doesn't let go; missing someone when they are absent and last but not least one group gave a very eloquent dictionary-worthy definition: "love is an attraction between two people each of whom know their identity and there is a feeling of resonance". Wow! Love was also defined in terms of some of the other emotional qualities that tend to go hand in hand with feelings of love. Trust was mentioned by most of the groups although the question was posed of whether you NEED trust as a function of love. At first we all thought it was essential but then someone presented the idea of still loving someone without having to know everything about them and accepting what they can offer whilst still feeling love for them.
The group became engaged in some real philosophy here and it was amazing how endless each of these questions are when we started exploring them further. Another theme that came up was the lust vs love idea: are these two things mutually exclusive? Is infatuation a positive or negative thing? Can lust lead to love? It became apparent that love can take on many different forms and apply to many different people in our lives: friends, families, lovers, pets and so on. It was also clear from the previous discussion that love doesn't just have to apply to people. Many of us felt genuine love for activities, places, food and a myriad of other pleasures.
By the end, the general conclusion was that love is a wonderful thing (to quote a song title!) and that romantic love - such as that generally emphasised on Valentines day - is but one form of love. As amazing as being in love is, we can also use this day to celebrate love in all its varied forms.
Victoria had to attend a course on Easter Saturday (March) and the April lunch was devoted to discussions on the 25th Anniversary. So now we jump to May:
This Outsiders lunch was quite a change from usual. Not only did we pilot a 'speed flirting' style event but we had BBC3 cameras along with us. An Outsiders member is independently being filmed for a BBC3 programme and as part of that they wanted to take some footage at a luncheon. Speed Dating is big in America and now the UK, as a way to meet new people - for romance, or maybe just friendship. The idea is that within one event you get to talk to a number of people for 5 minutes at a time. After you have had each mini 'date' each person decides whether they would be interested in seeing the other person for friendship or romance and if so they mark that down on a form.
At the end of the event, all the forms are gathered and if any 2 people have said that they would like to see each other again, then a match is made! Many Outsiders members suggested a speed flirting event as a feature of the Outsiders 25th Anniversary party so we decided to pilot speed flirting at the monthly luncheon first. We decided it might be more appropriate to call our event 'speed socialising'. For many of us just talking and finding out more about someone in that 5 minutes was a way of breaking the ice and becoming more friendly, not necessarily about looking for a partner for a relationship.
The pilot definitely seemed to go well - on average participants met four people for 5 minute 'dates' and filled in the form about whether they were interested in meeting again for potential friendship or romance. Many members gave feedback that this was a really easy way to start chatting to someone and the only complaint most people had was that they didn't get long enough! People were just getting into conversations when they found out that their 5 minutes were up.
It turned out that romance wasn't really in the air, but the numbers of friendships begun was great!
Four months ago, Eleni decided to stop moping over her ex boyfriend, improve her confidence and self image, lose weight and get a life. First, she took a big step and repled to the Outsiders advert for a photographic model for our 25th Anniversary image. Eleni thought this might help her to accept herself as she is. As you will see from the picture above (one of our early, amusing ideas, since dropped), she does look gorgeous. Eleni has enjoyed the experience (all that attention!!) has even agreed to speak about it at the 25th Anniversary event.
Eleni then took on the task of starting a North London midweek Outsiders evening event for Jewish people who cannot attend the Saturday lunches. The pilot evening was filmed for BBC television. Eleni was feeling stagnant in her other voluntary work, so she has begun working in the Outsiders office. Finally, Eleni has started a diet, successfully losing weight, which makes her feel far better psychologically and more healthy. Well done Eleni - we look forward to hearing you speak on 14th August!
This year's Outsiders Award at the Erotic Awards, coming up on 4th September, goes to our beautiful membership secretary, Sue Nathan. Sue has worked extremely hard and had an inspiring influence on the club, making Outsiders a shining example of equal opportunities. Many of our members have been given an enormous amount of support and we feel honoured to have her working with us. We hope to bring you photos of the presentation in the next edition.
Sue promises to write an article about all her dreams for Outsiders in the next edition of INSIDE.
Miranda was the most thoughtful and considerate friend I have ever had, an intelligent and courageous young woman. We were put in touch through Outsiders in January 2000, and we have spent hundreds of interesting hours on the phone on Sunday evenings, often into the early hours of Monday mornings. She had a huge thirst for information and I was privileged to be able to help her realise her desire to find a lover and explore her sexuality.
At 35, Miranda was still living with her parents and was climbing walls with frustration as no one had ever considered she might have sexual needs. She was born with spina bifida, was paralysed from the waist down, so had a lifetime of people talking across her or down to her and, over the months and years, I learned what life was like from her point of view. At times, I felt angry and indignant at the injustices and difficulties faced by anyone dependent on a wheelchair to get around. She did not have the upper body strength to wheel herself and was in constant pain, yet she had determination to try to gain her independence, which sadly did not happen. We had a lot of fun advertising in contact magazines to find her some interesting men. I found my own partner this way seven years ago, and wanted to be sure Miranda found a good lover who would be able to handle her disabled body and give her the satisfaction she craved for.
I acted as an accommodation address and sorted through hundreds of letters until we found a few who sounded reasonable and Miranda only contacted them by phone when she felt comfortable. It took five months until her first date and she was surprised and delighted to discover men found her attractive and desirable - a huge confidence boost. Miranda felt very strongly that there should be a safe and legal way for people to obtain sexual experience and even pay for services, especially when disability prevents easy access to the outside world, which most of us take for granted.
I am so glad she had the chance to enjoy sex and intimacy even if not as frequently as she would have liked. She was so enthusiastic - her friendship really enriched my life.
For some years now, I have been a member of the PFA - Philosophy for All which is an association open to anyone interested in philosophy, even if you have little knowledge of the subject. The group arranges lectures, debates, courses and walks in the countryside, all with the aim of making philosophy accessible to the general public.
I have found the walks thoroughly enjoyable, relaxing and stimulating, and thought other members might like to learn more. The walks generally take place on Saturdays at easily accessible distances from London. It is a joy to walk with a group of lively minded people coming from a range of different backgrounds. The routes sometimes go through surprisingly beautiful scenery and at other times unexpectedly interesting and curious places. We usually chat about all sorts of topics and we stop halfway for lunch at a pub.
Apart from the walks, the PFA provide lectures on philosophical topics at the Mary Ward Centre in Central London. For example, once they did a lecture on "War- can it ever be justified?". On another occasion, they invited a philosophy professor to deliver a lecture which tried to answer the question, "Could we survive our own deaths?" The lectures are given in an easily accessible language followed by a period when any member of the audience can ask a question or make a point. Often, after the lecture, some of us go to the local pub to continue discussions in a more informal setting.
I can highly recommend the PFA. If you are interested, you can email secretary@pfalondon.freeserve.co.uk. The website is www.pfalondon.freeserve.co.uk.
I continue to answering calls on this line every weekday 11am to 7pm, except when I am unavailable (e.g. in mid-flight or chasing pigs). The calls come through to my office at home in Scotland, or on my mobile if I am down in London. I get about a dozen calls a day, some of which are just checking that SPOD are no longer in existence, and wanting more information on Outsiders, our website address, etc. It seems that SPOD did a really good job of advertising themselves, as they are listed on every possible local disability database, in many publications, and even had posters and leaflets in the waiting rooms of rape crisis centres! Running this help-line has been a wonderful experience for me, as all except two callers have been demonstrably grateful - I have never received so much appreciation in my entire life! Most callers begin quite unable to even say the word "sex" to a stranger on the phone, yet very quickly we are discussing things they had been worrying about and seriously needed to check out.
Lots of calls are from health care professionals, especially occupational therapists, district nurses, social workers and specialists from other help-lines about their clients. About a quarter are from disabled people themselves, their parents and partners. Most have never heard of Outsiders before, and are keen to find out more. So, in theory, we should be gaining more members, but this always takes time.
With very little experience of people with learning disabilities, I have been on a steep learning curve, as many of the calls are about PLDs. I spent a lot of effort trying to find all the relevant books and leaflets, to read up as much as I could on the subject. It feels very similar to the way physically disabled people were regarded when Outsiders began 25 years ago with most professionals anxious to keep them as sexually inactive as possible, and single, to avoid any problems and avoid more work for themselves. Outsiders proved them wrong - people with disabilities experience much less mental and physical illness once they start enjoying themselves and find partners. The become less work, not more.
Victoria McKenzie (who's background is educating with people with learning disabilities about HIV and forming relationships in New York City) joined me at the Choices Conference on Sex and Relationship Education with Young People with Disabilities in Huddersfield on 22nd March. We listened to the talks and attended the workshops. One of the saddest things we learned was that people with learning disabilities get most of their sex education from late night television. Victoria and I agreed they deserved better.
We are now working on a picture book project together. Plus, I am trying to convince Ofcom to set standards for sex on telly, just like standards are set for other areas of programming. Would anyone like to help me on this project? I look forward to giving you more reports on the help-line and its spin-offs in future editions of INSIDE.
Tuppy: You are famous in the disability world for being the online
agony aunt for the website Youreable. Where did your knowledge on disability and
sexual relationships stem from?
Jane: What knowledge I have, I've accumulated over many years and I'm still learning. There was very little about disability on any of the professional trainings I've had and there's shockingly little written; I've relied very much on learning from my clients and from my own experiences. I ran a psychosexual counselling service for people with disability and their partners for three and a half years. It ran in conjunction with NHS services and had an educative role as far as health services were concerned; I realise now it was really pioneering stuff. In terms of learning it was a very steep curve at the beginning; but we knew that a lot of people with disabilities had no one to talk to about sexual problems and we had a strong belief that with some ingenuity and creativity most problems can be overcome. I quickly developed my learning and knowledge thanks to that work. At a personal level one of my children has a disability, and my husband and I have both acquired disabilities so some personal experience has been helpful.
Tuppy: Please tell us a little about your family and, if you wish, to put us in the picture, your disabilities.
Jane: I'm married with four children, two daughters from my first marriage and two sons from my second. My youngest son has Dyslexia , it is quite severe but with lots of help he's managed his way through the education system really well. He's had a statement of special educational need since he was seven and this helped, though it has always felt like a battle to get his problems recognised and addressed. My husband is disabled; he has a spinal stenosis and various other problems, which affect his mobility considerably. He's still able to walk but he's in constant pain. I have a chronic bowel disease that becomes acute periodically and scarily with very little warning and means I have no option but to take to my bed with only antibiotics and fluids for company. I also have a back problem but as my man's is much worse I don't count mine as a major problem. We're a lot happier than this sounds!
Tuppy: How come you are no longer at YoureAble?
Jane: Several reasons really. When I first went to Youreable it was very much a community site and I was happy to volunteer my services as I thought it was a really important thing to be doing and filled a real gap. Youreable were very uncertain as to how much interest there would be in a Sex and Relationships Forum and although I was pretty certain it would take off I don't think I appreciated how busy the forum would get; there were about 18,000 hits a week when I left. The work involved was almost a full time job and the forum was a tricky one to moderate at times. I am the breadwinner in our family and I was getting to the stage of turning down paid work to run this forum I felt really passionate about. I was managing the balancing act fairly well until Youreable, without warning, announced it had become a Public Limited Company. When this happens the whole ethos changes, the needs of the shareholders become paramount. I didn't see how I could continue to work in the way they were asking so very reluctantly I left.
Tuppy: Sad that they didn't offer you the fat salary you deserved. Do you think Outsiders should create a replacement on-line service?
Jane: Yes I do; I think there is great need for discussion, information pooling ('I do this with my catheter/vibrator/ stoma during sex and it's great for me' sort of thing) as well as 'expert' advice.
Tuppy: Can you expand on your enthusiasm for information pooling?
Jane: This is the learning that comes from sharing experiences and solutions with people in similar circumstances. For instance I have gathered a lot of information over the years from people who have problems with their continence and how they manage it during sex; I can pass it on but it's not from my direct experience and I think there's a real value sometimes in cutting out the middle man and talking directly to one another about what works and what doesn't. A sex and relationships forum does this but it does need someone guiding it and contributing another view from time to time as well as giving professional advice.
Tuppy: What were the most memorable experiences of running this Forum?
Jane: Trying to keep the balance between free speech and people not being offended or offensive. Being disabled doesn't necessarily make peoplemore tolerant or understanding of others and creating the climate where people felt they could express their innermost fears without too much condemnation, shame or embarrassment was a real struggle at times. There was a period where arguments raged about gay sex and whether devotees or suspected devotees should be allowed to post, which felt truly exhausting.
Tuppy: What was your connection with SPOD?
Jane: The service I ran in Wales did broadly similar work to SPOD and so Simon Parritt and I talked fairly regularly, he was very good to sound things out with and gave me good advice; sometimes he directed people our way if they lived within reach. If I had lived nearer London I think I would have been more directly involved but my first opportunity was last year when I was asked to Chair a SPOD conference.
Tuppy: What do you think Outsiders should do next?
Jane: As I have only just become a Patron it seems a bit presumptuous to start saying this is what you should do; but if pushed I'd say it has to become better known especially outside of London. Perhaps online services would be the way to do this; not just sexual counselling services but dating services too.
Tuppy: Outsiders is a National, in fact International group, but we do find it difficult to get referrals and publicity. Even the health care professionals who phone on the helpline seem to think that an agency helping people find partners "isn't very neeece". What can we do?
Jane: Maybe this will change if Outsiders is going to take on some of SPOD's roles. In doing so it would, I think, have to manage the balance between the 'club' part and the 'professional advice/expertise' aspect. Perhaps to become more acceptable in professional circles Outsiders has to become more of a mouthpiece for the sexual and relationship needs of all disabled people, not just those looking for a partner.
Tuppy: You live so far away from London (and Scotland!) What is life like in Camarthen?
Jane: Carmarthen is a county town in rural West Wales. It is a lovely area to live in, beautiful scenery, clean air, wonderful beaches and a complete nightmare if you don't have your own transport and you have disabilities. Social life revolves around the pub, so that's fairly normal but try getting a taxi home on a Saturday night. My nearest cinema is 14 miles away and clubs the same. I think for young disabled people socialising is quite difficult. The internet has a big role to play here.
Tuppy: Why do you think disabled people are having such a rough time trying to find partners and being accepted as lovers?
Jane: If you want short sweet answers this is not the question to ask me! I think that increasingly we live in a world of commodified physical perfection; so anyone who doesn't fit into some narrow and superficial view of 'beauty' or even 'attractiveness', is seen as a non-starter. I believe this is the real down side of global capitalism: the emphasis on the visual, the external, and ultimately the purchasable. As long as the idea can be sold that desirability can be acquired by buying beauty products, slimming aids or plastic surgery big business can continue to make huge profits and disabled people will continue to feel marginalized. If the idea took hold that these things don't matter and it's what you're like on the inside that counts we could start a revolution and get us back to a world where the value system was based on something with more integrity than the profit motive. End of rant!!
Tuppy: Brilliant rant! I'm going to use it in our 25th Anniversary publicity. What do you think of our Anniversary project image using a disabled model?
Jane: I think it sounds great. It sounds a really interesting way of working. I have been collecting photos that show disabled people in a positive light for years. When I run training days on disability (for AB's) I show them to people as a way of challenging perceptions. I think people value being able to stare at a photo in a way they wouldn't at a person (well at least for longer!) and this starts to break down some of the barriers and can really challenge attitudes.
Tuppy: What do you think disabled people should be doing to get a better deal?
Jane: Protest, protest, protest! Write letters, band together, and make a fuss. I know it takes energy and when you have a disability it can take all your energy just getting dressed in the morning but I really believe it's important to leave the world a better place than you found it. If we want a better deal we have to demand it and argue a reasonable case for it.
Tuppy: Who can we protest to about people not wanting disabled partners?
Jane: I don't think that's what we should protest about; because clearly some people do want disabled partners (I want mine for a start and he wants me) and you can't fund it or legislate for it, you can't make someone want someone just because it's not fair. What you can protest about are all the things that could be fixed and would make a real difference. Funding to provide more social opportunities for instance (so there could be more lunches!) Funding to provide more workshops on social and relationship skills and raising self-esteem. Better sex and relationship education for young people with disabilities. Establishing a national surrogacy service and a national counselling service for people with disabilities both Internet based and 1:1. Better training for health professionals on the effects of disability on sexual functioning and relationships (I have had clients who's entire insides have been removed and no one has ever said anything to them about the sexual consequences or how to manage it) Better training for psycho-sexual therapists and counsellors on disability . . . I could go on but probably you've heard enough, I get rather carried away about this and it's a rather lonely band wagon I've been driving for some years now.
Tuppy: I'm so glad you're joined us. What would you like to see happen as a result of your becoming a patron of Outsiders?
Jane: Not sure how to answer this! A mutually beneficial relationship I hope. Learning more about Outsiders and helping to publicise it. Some mutual lobbying about decrimalisation of prostitution, perhaps? I'd like to think I could help to take Outsiders into the next 25 years in some way.
Tuppy:I am sure you will. Thank you Jane.
I was sitting at home waiting for my beautiful friend Nicola to come back from the hairdressers. We were going speed dating. We had booked and I was thinking, "Why am I doing this?" This was the first time I had ever done anything like it. I'd decided to go along to support my friend Nicola and see whether I could get a date. Being a disabled person with CP which affects my mobility, I suspected the men would be far more interested in Nicola because she is pretty and able bodied. I knew I would hate it - I felt ugly and self conscious and not at all confident.
We arrived at the venue - a bar in the West End of London - we were the first there! I was really nervous. We ordered drinks and sat and chatted. Nicola asked me, "Would you be upset if nobody is interested in you?" I said, "No - as I expect that I won't get a date, it's OK." The time came for us to register. I asked Nicola to go up to the desk and register for both of us, so the men would not see my walking sticks. There seemed to be a bit of a problem. Nicola came back and said I was not on the list. Then I thought, "God, I'll have to get up and show that I'm disabled."
I hobbled over and got it sorted, but now the secret was out. Plus, when we got back to where we had been sitting, our seats had been taken, and I had nowhere to sit. Before the event started, we were all given numbers and score cards. Most of the seating was on high stools, which I cannot sit on. I asked the organisers if I could sit where I wanted. They agreed but, as it turned out, this messed up the sequence they had planned. The event began. Me and Nicola were separated and because I had messed up the sequence, nobody came to sit opposite me and I was alone. Eventually, a man came over and asked me questions like, "Why are you here?" and "What do you do?" Then the bell rang as the three minutes were up.
One-by-one, the men came and went, pretending to be interested in what I had to say. I eventually decided to talk about my voluntary work for disabled people. Many seemed surprised and asked why I was interested, repeating that old cliché, "You're so caring and so good." When I explained to some that I was disabled and showed them my sticks, their jaws dropped and they swiftly moved away. I could tell than none of the men were interested in me. Some cottoned on that I was with Nicola and asked questions about her.
I found these men utter bores who were in highly paid jobs, into their own bodies and had nothing interesting to say. I felt that, on this particular occasion, it really had nothing to do with disability - it was all to do with money and status. In fact, I find generally that this is what most people are into, and I am interested in neither of these things. I have more in common with the men I have met at Outsiders and they are far nicer people than you find elsewhere.
I am glad none of the Speed Dating men were interested in me. It was bad enough having to talk to them for three minutes.
At last, a sex book aimed at people with disabilities. It's not written as a quick guide you can dip into to look up your own disability, but as a revolutionary perspective to inspire the reader to learn to love their body and be sexual, however paralysed, painful or awkward it is, learn to plan and communicate sexual needs, even when you use AAC (alternative ways to communicate). The book promotes self-pleasing as a political act that defies the idea that we get sexual pleasure only from certain kinds of sex.
There are great quotes from some of the disabled people who answered their sex survey. It is an American book with mostly American Resource listings and they did not realise that Outsiders also has members in America. But they did, thankfully, recommend the Outsiders online service and Practical Suggestions.
I am leading a very sad life as my parents and carers won't allow me to start a relationship. I am a 35-year-old disabled woman, but they treat me like a child. They think Outsiders is a club for people who enjoy the outdoors and would be horrified if they knew what it really is. Can you help me out of my trap?
Pseudo-Hiker
Sorry you are having an enforced extended childhood. Now is the time to become adolescent, demand your freedom and grow up. Other Outsiders members and our volunteers would help you - you only have to ask. The National Centre for Independent Living will also give you support and all the help you will need to start a life of your own, in your own home using PAs to help with your daily needs. They are on 020 7587 1663. and they can direct you to a branch local to you.
I live on my own as a blind man, and wonder if there are any sex aids you can order without sending off for a catalogue or searching through a website?
Stuck
Yes, Superior Sales are happy to discuss clients needs over the phone and send off items you wish to purchase. You can insist the delivery won't put you on their mailing list. The phone number is 08451 202 436. A similar service exists for women only at Shh! 020 7613 5458. The RNIB Talking Book Service has a whole range of tapes, some of which have earned a warning about sexual explicitness, which could hopefully provide you wish steamy listening. Their number is 0845 762 6843. Outsiders also has a box of tapes in our cupboard which we will dig out for you if you like.
I am a man with MS and have recently found it impossible to reach orgasm. Can you advise?
Numb
Orgasms can be enjoyed in various places in the body, so now is the time to explore with an open mind. Try various types of stimulation to places where they feel nice, and keep going. Don't forget to enjoy your fantasy life too. One man I helped recently found he was able to enjoy orgasms by his girlfriend stimulating his prostate gland using a vibrator. I would be interested to hear news of your progress too, as this is a very common complaint.
I am a large person and have started a relationship with someone with severe breathing difficulties and worry that sex will make her suffocate. Please advise.
Heavy
The best person to ask is your new partner. They will know what they are capable of. Obviously, it's important to use positions which don't crush their chest, and to pace yourselves, choosing the time of day when their breathing is better. Using an armchair instead of a bed can ensure the person beneath doesn't get their lungs squashed. Get away from the notion that sex has to be one person banging away inside another, and use your imaginations to bring pleasure gently, sensually (and mentally).
We are hoping to have a baby but cannot manage penetration. We don't want to do it through a hospital or anything, as we want the conception to be a spiritual experience. Please advise.
Father and Mother-to-be
The best tool, and by far the most spiritual, is the handy turkey baster, available at good hardware stores. Fill it up, put it in and continue your spiritual nuptual rituals. Don't forget to time all this for when she's fertile.
I am a disabled lesbian into alternative stuff, i.e. not straight, if you get my drift, and wonder where I might find like-minded, disability friendly women. I find the gay world incredibly hung up on looks and really need a good contact, to help me our of my loneliness and frustrations.
Kinky Dyke
Look at the smdykes website which is www.smdykes.org.uk and the website for the Women Leather Weekend in Amsterdam which has lots of links to other women SM stuff and organisations around the world, it's in English: www.walp.dds.nl.
All my friends are married so I live a completely isolated existance. I never go out so can't find a partner. Help!
Solo
Make new friends of both genders through Outsiders. Invite them round to your home and make arrangements to do things together that you both enjoy. Make friends with your neighbours by inviting them in and learning more about them. Ask your married friends to invite you round with some of their other single friends. You never know! Go on singles holidays, specialist holidays and weekends. Re-read Practical Suggestions Don't be isolated any more!
Tuppy will answer your problems by email on outsiders@clara.co.uk.