Those of us who took part in the Lambent 'Documentary Disabled and Looking for Love', all agree that it is an enchanting programme, making us all look beautiful. The director, Clare would like to thank everyone in Outsiders for cooperating, and we would like to thank her for making us look so lovely. The main characters (pictured below) are all members of Outsiders: Clifford, a gardener with Autism , Oldooz who is doing her Masters and has a rare disability, Simon who sells medical insurance, with Cerebral Palsy , and Nick who also has Cerebral Palsy and is engaged to a girl called Lisa.
Eleni is organising these outings spontaneously, so anyone who wants to go to a gallery, show or film can contact her and she will invite the rest of the London Gadabouts. Next outing will be to the Comedy Café on Wednesday 5th April.
Ex-member and now famous disabled commedian Laurence Clark has agreed to become a Patron of Outsiders. Hopefully we will also see him perform soon.
Alison Lapper has agreed to accept the 2006 Outsiders Award at the Erotic Awards.
Efficient and meticulous volunteer required to help in the office in Islington a couple of days a week, to free up our current volunteers so they can spend more time meeting the needs of our members. The work involves:
Must be experienced. The office is wheelchair accessible.
Highly skilled volunteer required to transform this website making the following improvements:
Friendly volunteer to collect our 'Success Stories', other tales we have to tell, and news items, to ensure they go up on this site as regularly as clockwork.
The Big Green Gathering estival on 2nd-6th August in the West Country has wheelchair access and they have invited Outsiders to come and contribute.
We need a female volunteer in Bristol to help us with our project to to bring isolated disabled people living in an urban sprawl together to have fun and find partners, in a very cost-effective way. She must be able organise events, and act as hostess at them.
We need a female volunteer to help David organise the lunches in York. Should be gregarious, reliable and free on some Saturday afternoons.
I wish to thank Outsiders for a club that really works. I've just met a fantastic, loving and caring woman by the name of Merlin Johny. I was beginning to think I would spend my life alone, but now I can see me and Merlin being together for ever. I would like to say to other members, don't ever give up hope of meeting the right person. I didn't think I would ever find love. I also cannot believe how quickly we met. I received the Supplement List on a Saturday morning, noticed Merlin as being the nearest to me, rung her up on Saturday afternoon and arranged to meet on Sunday. We seemed to click straight away when we met each other (could call it love at first sight). So please remove our names fromthe list. Thank you so much. -- Ray Harris.
And 2 months later, this letter came:
Our relationship began on our first phone call. I visited Ray the following day. From then on, further visits made us realise that we had lots in common, we got on well and were drawn closer. I am happy to say that now I am engaged to be married and we hope that this letter will give hope to others looking for love. -- Merlin
Outsiders members voted at the AGM to link up with the Sexual Freedom Coalition, the Erotic Awards and the Night of the Senses to become part of theSexual Freedom Conference. This will take place on Saturday 6th May in the wheelchair accessible Toynbee Hall:
28 Commercial Street,
London.
E1 6LS.
opposite Aldgate East tube, 2pm to 5.30pm.
£10/£5 concs, high teas served all afternoon. Eirwen will be speaking on 'Impairment, Pain, Sex and SM' and Alan Taylor on 'Freedom, What Freedom?'
The 2006 New Year Party and AGM on 7th January were held in a trendy London venue, The Spitz. This wheelchair accessible venueis on several floors, with a lift aswell as a staircase, the toilets being in the basement and the party room on the second floor. The AGM went very well with lots of members showing their appreciation and voting. After this, he party got going, with wonderful food, music and chitchat.
Then, like one's worst nightmare, the lift broke down. New arrivals in wheelchairs were unable to get up to the party, those upstairs could not leave and nobody with mobility problems could go to the toilet.
The news worsened when we were told that the lift had flooded and could not be repaired that night. Fortunately we had a few strong men who started lifting members downstairs but I took one look at the them after a few trips and feared heart attacks and deaths due to exhaustion. We were busily working out how to continue the party. Fortunately, The Spitz is a small complex, with a downstairs restaurant and bar and an art gallery which was, by chance, not in use. So we shipped the party to the gallery with guests using the restaurant bar for drinks. The Spitz were already serving free drinks to the stranded.
Loads of people were still stuck upstairs and we decided to call the fire brigade. They couldn't come but called the ambulance service, who agreed to send in the troops once they returned from a job.
Fortunately the TV crew decided not to film this catastrophe. Slowly, but surely wheelchair users entered the party, but it seemed that the Cinderellas of the night were leaving before all the stranded had descended, and we were never all in the same space at one time. Nevertheless, everyone at all times seemed to be having a wonderful time. Once again it seemed Outsiders triumphed over adversity: and it was yet another 'Night of Low Expectations'. People asked me why I remained so unperturbed but my life is pretty much like this the whole time. Thank you Sue for your veggie food, Jean for the sausage rolls, Thierry for DJing, and everyone for coming along and being so fab.
The last workshop at the January lunch was attended by brave souls who didn't mind being filmed whilst talking about themselves. It was our original 'Body Image' Workshop and the participants said they found it incredibly useful and wanted more. Each member told us what they thought people found attractive about them, and what it was that put people off. Then everyone gave feedback. Interestingly, the two most gorgeous looking people (both with physical disabilities) said that they thought they were not attractive. One remark made us all laugh. Eric, our lovely raffle-ticket-seller with Aspergers responded to me saying:
I agree that if you were on a market stall which sold sex, I wouldn't pay very much for you, but underneath you are a very nice person.
Thanks Eric!
I don't know if you've noticed, but the topic of sex and disability is currently the flavour of the month. All those people out there who once ignored Outsiders and sneered at us are suddenly using posh terms like 'social inclusion' and 'sexual rights of disabled people'. They even seem to want to involve themselves with our work. It feels a bit strange, after 27 years of being outcasts.
It is a development we need to handle carefully because, as you know only too well, these fashions can come and go without any real change taking place, offering jobs to people who do nothing except apply for grants (and get them) do research, discuss 'issues', set up 'initiatives', and then move on to the next good cause. Outsiders must not get drawn into this but we could benefit, providing we never use the s word, the f word or the c word. The BBC3 documentary should help us, and I am working extremely hard to network, get our infrastructure ship-shape and at the same time keep the club dynamic and productive.
A club is as good as its members, and Outsiders does have some very, very lovely members. I just wish you would have more fun together. What stops you? Is it money? Is it energy? Is it fear? Are you putting fun so low on your list of priorities so that you actually can't afford it, financially or otherwise? Personally, I have always lived life dangerously, seizing opportunities, a very 60's approach I know, and our earlier members in Outsiders also lived that way. Perhaps that's why we had so many deaths? Only joking - that attitude is actually most envigorating and life affirming.
But on the subject of death, Paul Nevitt who used to be the editor of INSIDE suggests that we write the obituaries before people die so that we can all read lots of nice things about ourselves while we are still alive. Any volunteers?
Stars in the Sky is a dating and friendship service for adults with learning difficulties, based in Haringey, North London.
We looked at their neat website to learn more about them and then Tuppy Owens interviewed the founders to learn how it all came about.
To join Stars in the Sky you have to:
It's cheaper to join than Outsiders - only five pounds a year. Members are invited to all events, and have the choice to meet people on a one to one basis or in a group. There is no pressure to do anything. Stars in the Sky supports members on their first one to one meeting. Some events are free some cost a small amount of money. Events include:
Stars in the Sky do not provide transport except for some of the larger events, although they try and support people to get to events. A popular method is to match members who live in the same area so they can support each other coming to events.
Tuppy: We at Outsiders are totally thrilled to learn about Stars in the Sky. Outsiders caters for people with social and physical disabilities and has been going for 27 years. We have always felt very sad that there was no equivalent for people with learning disabilities. Sometimes people told us that we should accept them into Outsiders but our members themselves didn't chose to, and when people withlearning disabilities did join Outsiders, it just didn't work out. So it is a very happy day that you have arrived. How did you get the club set up?
Stars: Stars in the Sky was started by Lolita Jones and Lydia Jones (not related). Lolita has a learning difficulty and is the service users representative on the Haringey Partnership Board and Mencap's national executive. Lydia Jones is the opportunities manger at Haringey Association for Independent Living (HAIL). Lolita was hearing from her friends and colleagues about the difficulties of people finding partners and wanted to do something about it. Lydia suggested running a dating agency. It was decided that this would be an organisation where all the major decisions would be made by people with learning difficulties, so Lydia introduced Lolita to Pauline Geipel a married woman with learning difficulties. Pauline and Lolita became the directors with Lydia in a support role as secretary.
Tuppy: How much time did it take to decide how people with learning disabilities would best be able to use your club?
Stars: We spent 6 months doing market research for the organisation. We met with service user groups, care providers and carers all over London. We discovered that a lot of people wanted to meet new friends with similar interests as well as sexual partners. One of the main aims of the organisation is to be London wide but during our research we realised that this was a difficult concept for many organisations. We also decided that membership would be for anybody with a learning difficulty, but we have found that most people interested have had mild/moderate difficulties. Our research also made us realise that there were groups of people with special needs that we hadn't considered e.g. Muslim members and cross dressers.
Tuppy: Your application form is verygroovy and good fun. How was that designed?
Stars: We initially had a black and white application form with no pictures but we realised this was really unattractive and inaccessible to potential members. We worked with a lovely designer Steve who had never worked with accessible text before. It was nice to have new and unique designs.
Tuppy: Your form asks new members some questions we would not ask, like their height, impairments and how much they drink and smoke. Why do you ask those questions to potential members?
Stars: We ask the questions that people wanted us to ask. Many of our members are really particular about smoking and drinking, both ways, for example we have one member who only wants a black woman who smokes and we have another member who doesn't want to go anywhere smoking is allowed. We need to arrange events and dates in buildings and venues that are accessible and it helps to know what disabilities people have. We try to get people to be honest about what people really want and this can take a lot of prompting. On the application forms people quite often don't say if they are looking for a man or woman so we have to ask themwhen we meet them face to face.
Tuppy: How do the one-to-one encounters happen?
Stars: The one-to-ones are arranged by us. We initially arranged a time and place but we now provide three choices. We have dates on any day of the week and at any time. We cater each date for each individual. We match people to similar interests, age, expectations etc. We also match people in their levels of ability. This was something that members asked for, but is also a safety measure. On the first one-to-one meeting we chaperone the couple, hiding discretely but maintaining the security and safety of the members. This can be difficult - many of our members are not used to going out unescorted and initiating conversation and look to staff for support. Usually after a while, people become more relaxed. After the date, we make sure people have a safe route home. If the date goes well we approach the member's care providers to ask for the relationship to be supported. If the members are able, with very little care support, we ask members to contact us regularly to say how things are going. This may sound intrusive but we need to know about any potential abuse or safety problems as soon as they happen. The one-to-ones are the most rewarding part of our work as, for many of our members, 'dates' are something they have never experienced before.
Tuppy: What if they want to have sex on the first date?
Stars: This is a difficult question. I imagine that many of our members would like to have sex on their first date. As an organisation, we have the conflicts of safety and independence. We would feel unsure about positively accepting the situation but if you have two adults with mild learning difficulties that live independently it would be hard to stop them. Our advice would be to leave it till they have time to think.
Tuppy: Are you financially secure and might you be able to expand across Britain (and the world?)
Stars: We are secure for this year, and we are now developing a fundraising strategy. We havelinked with a number of organisations around the country to look at the feasibility of Stars going nationwide. We have received so many e-mails form people in other parts of the country who would like to join Stars and we know it is a service that people want. In London we have the benefits of a reasonably decent public transport system and a high density of population. Obviously in rural and suburban areas there are additional problems. But we relish a good challenge.
Tuppy: Have you based your club on any other model from abroad for example 'You and I Dating' in New York?
Stars: We did a lot of market research looking at standard dating services and the disabled member's websites in the US. We decided to use our own model as we have strong ideas about what we want to do. We also realised we would have to make safety one of our main priorities to gain support from members and carers. We decided not to use photos, as members often feel unconfident about their appearance and it becomes another method of discrimination. Many of our members tell us about non positive experiences they have had with traditional dating agencies which we have learnt from.
Tuppy: That's kind of how we started - made it up as we went along based on what members want. It's extraordinary how people still question one's motives. You are still in the honeymoon stage of being new, so make the most of it! I love the idea of Pampering Days - how do these work?
Stars: We have worked with the local college to get the beauty students to provide facials, massage, hairstyles, and foot procedures for members. We arrange them in a setting which is decorated and relaxing for our female members. This is a very positive experience for them.
Tuppy:We have done this a few times but it has been disappointing that the women just go back to the way they were before. Do you find that their appearance actually improves as a result? Or is the point of the exercise more therapeutic - making them feel cherished?
Stars: It's difficult to see yourself as a beautiful person if you have been told you are unattractive for most of your life indirectly and directly. Most women find it difficult to maintain perfection everyday. The pampering days are mainly for relaxation and being 'cherished'.
Tuppy: Is some of the pampering for men too?
Stars: Not yet.
Tuppy: Which are you most successful events?
Stars: Our most popular events are the meals out. The Chinese lunches are always full and the Sunday lunch at the pub. We arrange evening and daytime events. We link up with the specialist nightclubs e.g. Wild Bunch, Octopus and get members to link up and go. We arrange events that members ask for and try and arrange events all over London.
Tuppy: How much are people with learning disabilities able to help run the club?
Stars: Both of our directors have learning difficulties, 50% of our management committee are required to have learning difficulties. We ask for input from members especially around events. We have a complaints procedure which we encourage members to use if they have a problem.
Tuppy: Is the hard work done by people with learning disabilities?
Stars: Yes, Lots of the hard work is done by Lolita and Pauline. organising events, promoting the service, making financial decisions, recruitment, doing mail outs, answering interviews. They also provide support for the dates, the events and initial meetings mainly for safety reasons.
Tuppy: That is excellent. What do you find most difficult?
Stars: We have a number of problems: not enough staff to facilitate one-to-ones, we use volunteers and have only three staff members. We have to meet every single member before they join Stars, and events have to be staffed realistically. Communication difficulties: relying on care providers to support our members. Accessible information, many of our members have difficulty reading maps, letters and understanding the information.
Tuppy: It sounds really difficult. Do you have a good gender balance or are you like Outsiders- with too many men and not enough women? If so, how do you cope?
Stars: Our membership is currently65% male and this is a problem. It means that men have to wait longer for dates and this can cause real frustration with our members. We explain to members when they join that we cannot guarantee dates but our members do have high expectations.
Tuppy: Outsiders members don't seem to be that optimistic. I have nicknamedour parties 'The Night of Low Expectations'! Do you have autistic members and what can you do to help them with their specific needs?
Stars: We accept members with both Autism and Aspergers. This creates the problem that most are male and as we try and match levels of ability. We do have female members who have Autism and Aspergers. Many of our autistic members can become extremely anxious when talking about relationships and we do have to provide a lot of reassurances.
Tuppy: Outsiders is hoping to join forces with other groups to improve the help and support available to people with Aspergers looking for partners and wanting to start and maintain relationships. Might Stars in the Sky be willing to get involved with this?
Stars: This sounds great, we would definitely be interested in getting involved. As I said it is very difficult as only 10% of people with Aspergers are women and I will presume 15% are gay. Many of the people I speak to with Aspergers would like to date people who don't have Aspergers. They would also like easier access to sexual services which I can't support them with. We receive many phone calls from members who need to discuss their anxieties.
Tuppy:That is interesting to me because I run the Sex and Disability Helpline and hardly ever get calls from people with learning disabilities. Their carers phone up on their behalf but seem reluctant to suggest that their clients call up themselves. Have you come across situations where sex becomes a problem and how do you deal with this?
Stars: We have received verbal abuse, criticism and lack of understanding and non-cooperation from carers. We can understand a little if it is a parent or family carer, but we do get upset when it's a care worker or provider. We do try to reassure carers that we do try and make everything as safe as possible. Lolita and Pauline are very outspoken about their own sexual needs and promote the rights of people with learning difficulties to have a sex life. We help members access information and support from appropriate services around contraception, abuse, sexuality etc. Sexual relationships are something that carers and care providers have difficulty accepting and supporting. We try not to attack people but show the positives of safe, fun and happy sexual relationships. We have so far had no problems with unwanted sex, pregnancy, abuse etc. but we do work hard to reduce the risks.
Tuppy: Why are you called Stars in the Sky?
Stars: We asked one of our members who was feeling very depressed to think of names for our organisation the name we all agreed on was Stars in the Sky as we thought it reflected us. We do sometimes get called 'Stars in your Eyes'. Names that came before were 'Shag' and 'Pineapples and Melons'. Still, to be mistaken sometimes for Cat Deeley is no bad thing.
Tuppy: Was this your first interview and how did it feel to be interviewed?
Stars: We had a lot of fun discussing the answers but when written down they appear a bit too professional. We have had interviews with community care and the local press but is different to be interviewed by someone who understands some of the issues we face.
Tuppy:When is the Channel 4 documentary about Stars in the Sky?
Stars: Sometime in the summer, they are still filming at the moment.
Tuppy: Looking forward to it. Thank you and see you soon I hope.
Stars in the Sky is all about having fun in a safe environment. Safe doesn't have to mean that you can't do things. You just have to think how you do things. People with learning difficulties/disabilities are more vulnerable to abuse and abusers but this shouldn't stop us having fun. Follow these guidelines and everything should go smoothly.
Stars in the Sky
are working on a pictorial version of this document if you require us to enlarge it, make
an audio version or explain it to you please give us a ring.
Stars in the Sky,
First Floor,
Cara House,
341A Seven Sisters Road,
Tottenham.
London.
N15 6RD.
Tel: 020 8809 4442
Email: info@starsinthesky.co.uk
www.starsinthesky.co.uk.
Going to a good nightclub is a fantastic way to let rip and release
the pressure of life, become one with the music, have a laugh with
your mates, make new friends, and maybe even get it on with that
horny f****r over there by the DJ
decks. Not only are clubs great fun, but they're also good value for
money. For around £15, you can party till daylight, and that can't be bad!
As with most things, going clubbing when you're disabled can be a hassle. For a start, getting there can be expensive, if you can't use public transport and have to rely on taxis. Then, there are those of us who need to take a PA along - who is getting paid by the hour. And that's before you actually get in the place: despite the Disability Discrimination Act, a lot of public places still don't have proper access; steps by the entrance, steps between the different dancefloors, and toilets inaccessible for wheelchairs. Sight impaired people also have a hard time getting around in such dimly lit places. And so on...
But, y'know, it's not ALL like that. There are places out there, which are accessible, both physically, and in the attitude of the venue staff. Being an incurable music addict, I've taken on the mission of uncovering the places we can party, and/or hear live music. Because I'm a Londoner without a car, I'm afraid most of the places I'll be writing about will be in London. Sorry.
One point worth mentioning: unlike Outsiders and events geared towards finding a partner, the parties I'm writing about here have music, art, culture, and socialising as the main focus. I'd therefore advise against going there with the idea of picking someone up. That's not to say it doesn't happen! I'm lucky enough to get plenty of favourable attention from people in these places. My reason for writing about music clubs here is because, although I go out a lot to both nightclubs and live music shows, I always see the same few faces in the disabled community out there havin' it large. It would be good to see more of us out there - let's take over!
For a good night out, two parties that immediately spring to mind, are The Synergy Project, and Whirl-y-gig. Both are held at wheelchair accessible venues, both have helpful staff, plus regular crowds of happy, respectful, friendly party people. The crowd that goes to Synergy, also tends to go to Whirly as well, although, because Synergy is a much bigger party than Whirl-y-gig, so you'll find a greater mix of people there. At both parties, expect hippies of all ages, races, and backgrounds, from nomadic festival-heads, to dreadlocked ravers. Above all, you'll find people there who would never normally go to nightclubs, because both parties are quite unique.
The idea of Synergy, is, as the name suggests, a coming-together of assorted elements of the underground political and party scene. Along with the more usual food and drink, clothes and jewellery for sale, you'll find stalls from different campaigning groups and charities. On stage, you'll hear rants of radical poets, live bands playing drum & bass, reggae, hip hop, folk and world music, usually with politically-charged lyrics. If you get fed up with putting the world to rights, you can escape onto the main dancefloor where you can lose it to psy-trance rhythms. Overall, it's got a real feel of being like a big indoor festival - there's even a room with a huge tent erected in it, where you can see a variety of acts. It's held monthly at the SeOne club, London Bridge. For more info, check www.thesynergyproject.org.
Whirl-y-gig
is one of London's longest-running party promotions. I remember going there back in the
early 90's, when they held it at Shoreditch Town Hall. A few town halls, and other venues later,
and they're back in E2, this time at the
beautiful 291 Gallery, on Hackney Road. Unlike
Synergy,
Whirly
does not go on all night, which is actually a nice thing, if you're not up for a big one. It also always
follows the same format; the music is a mix of trance and globally inspired dance beats, played by resident
DJ Monkey Pilot, and, at the end of the night - usually 2 AM - a huge
parachute is unfurled; some people sit beneath it, while others watch a beautiful display of light projections and
balloons floating over the top. The music slows down to a tranquil pace, while anyone with energy to spare helps
out waving the parachute up and down over people.
Whirl-y-gig
does not have the full-on political emphasis of
Synergy,
but it does have the same laid-back feel, plussome fantastic d'cor, set in an old church building. As well as the bar
area, the main dancefloor, and the Café, a night at
Whirly
isn't complete without - in the summer at least! - relaxing in the garden, surrounded by fairy lights twinkling in the trees.
And you can even bring the kids. For details on next party go to
www.whirl-y-gig.org.uk
or call 020 8864 6760.
Synergy will give concessions to wheelchair users of £12 entry + carer goes free. Other disabled people, please contact them before going. See website for details.
www.whirl-y-gig.org.uk offer concessions to disabled people 'when asked' soit's a good idea to phone beforehand.
Outsiders believes that people with Aspergers Syndrome all over the country need more help and support in finding partners and forming relationships. We cannot do this on our own, and we are currently approaching other groups in the hope that they will join forces with us to make it happen. To begin with we are concentrating on London.
Thanks to the BBC3 filming of Outsiders which featured Clifford, we got to know Clifford much better than before, helping him in his search to find a girlfriend. We thought it would be a good idea while we were giving him so much attention that he do something for us in return.
Clifford kindly put us in touch with a club he belongs to called Danda which is quite extraordinary in the range of people it caters to, those with:
And related conditions such as OCD, ODD, and SID.
Danda
meets on the 4th Tuesday of every month downstairs in The Green Man Pub:
383 Euston Road,
London.
At 7pm. The evening is run by a lady called Mary Colley who has agreed to come to an
Outsiders lunch to meet us and have a chat. If you want to attendher group, you can email her on
Mary@pmcolley.freeserve.co.uk.
We also wrote to Maxine Aston who wrote the book 'Aspergers in Love' We got a reply saying she thought there were websites for Aspies to meet partners on. Does anyone out there know of one?
I've also had some help from another member, Ian/Moziver, who has sent me loads of stuff, detailed below. Does anyone have any contact with these, and which ones should I approach for our project?
Here is Moziver's list:
Thanks Ian for all that help. It's amazing there is so much out there.
If members would like to approach any of the groups they know on our behalf, we can supply an introductory letter about Outsiders and our project.
Other articles for this column are welcome.
The V-Group is a self-led group ofdisabled women around the UK who discuss their sexual relationships, body image,impairment, pain, sexual communication, acceptance and knowledge.
They hold gatherings, currently in central London, and communicate via phone, letter, email and message board. Our gatherings include lunch, workshops, and sometimes expert speakers.
The group is run by Outsiders but non-members are most welcome.
I really enjoyed the most recent V-Group meeting and left realising the V-Group has been the first opportunity I've had to discussissues of sex and relationships with respect to impairment with other women with impairment/disabled women (I've talked with friends and partners without impairment.). I hadn't realised it was something I had been missing until now. -- Eirwen
Most gatherings are held in Eleni's flat, but we are happy to hold the meetings in other women's homes, wherever they are.
We meet on the Sunday or Monday following the Outsiders London Lunch, which is always on the second Saturday of each month. We currently meet every other month, i.e. January, March, May, July, September and November.
(women only) via Outsiders:
Tel: 0707 499 3527 and 0871 424 9935.
Any topic can be discussed but here are some of the topics we have chatted about so far (we are producing hand-outs on these topics):
All discussions within the V-Group are confidential and members of the discussion agree on this before each meeting starts, signing a confidentiality form. Names are never used without permission and we take care to ensure individuals cannot be identified in publications or on this website, etc.
We are setting up an
Outsiders LGBT Network,
coordinated by our French volunteer, Philippe with the help of Eirwen.
We want to include all members who identify as lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgendered and those who feel in some other way associated - e.g. those who are interested in exploring a maybe-not-heterosexual sexuality, those who have a bisexual partner etc, etc.
This network
will provide mutual support, encouragement and connections with other groups around the country, with our own
social events, our own page in
INSIDE
and
our own section on this website.
We thought that The London Lesbian and Gay Film Festival would be a good event for our first get-together as it is held in an accessible venue and is coming up shortly: 29th March - 12th April 2006.
We could meet in one of the Cafés at a time when we could then go on to watch a film, which may hopefully be about disability. We will let you know more once we have seen the film programme.
Your views are welcome about th efuture of the network - whatever you think you need. Perhaps you would like regular daytime meetups or clubbing nights, and perhaps even host an event in your locality which the rest of us could travel to?
We feel it would be excellent to hold a mini conference with other groups and organisations to discuss the issues of relationships and sex for lesbian, gay, bi and transgendered disabled people. Philippe has already tried to contact interested parties but if he has missed you, please email him at philippe@gasguy.fsnet.co.uk or Eirwen at eirwen@phonecoop.coop.
If you don't have access to email, you can write to Philippe c/o Outsiders or leave a phone message for him to get back to you.
Susan sadly passed away, aged 45, in January whilst in hospital following a long illness. News of her death was particularly hard for me, as I learned of it at the February lunch at All Bar One, theexact location where I first met her in September 2001.
Susan will always be remembered for her warmth and humour, and she could bring a smile to everyone she met. She spent time and effort helping others despite her own health problems. This included the Outsiders phone support network, visiting the elderly, and helping health charities. She had a successful career as a social worker, and with The Advocacy Alliance, and as a foster panel assessor.
Since 1989 Susan lived in Petersfield, a pleasant town in Hampshire which she liked so much. She was an active member of her local church and community. However she wanted to widen her circle, so joined Outsiders and travelled a number of times on the train to London to attend the lunch.
There, many Outsiders members will have had the honour of meeting this remarkable lady. I have sent my condolences to her family in Harlow, and we shall all remember her always.
Andrew Wilkins who was Susan's boyfriend for a while
I met Susan for the first time at one of the August Picnics a few years ago. She instantly came across as a nice friendly woman, someone I thought I would like to get to know better and become friends with. As we became friends, we found we shared many interests such as art, theatre, travel or just a good chat over lunch. We would meet up for lunch all over the place, as a result of which she introduced me to many different places, which I would otherwise never have seen.
After her divorce, she was determined to not let her health get her down and made the most of life by creating a large network of friends through her local church, members. During her working life Outsiders and other social circles.
Susan was a very dynamic, sociable, outgoing personality who was popular with many Outsiders members. During her working life she was a social worker, a counsellor, a trainer on the expert patient program for people with chronic health problems and in what was left of her spare time she volunteered with Outsiders as a telephone support worker. Susan was a very good friend and support to me, and I will miss her very much.
I had known Susan since she joined Outsiders and met her at lunches and really enjoyed her sociable company and kind heart. During the last year of her life her body had let her down and she was unable to come to the lunches.
In autumn 2005, Janet and I visited her while she was in the hospice. It was at this moment I was struck and inspired by her. Despite being in chronic pain she would not let it douse her Great Spirit and zest for life. The three of us had a wonderful afternoon filled with laughter and the warmth and generosity of her spirit. Susan touched my heart and many others, and will be sorely missed.
It is regret and sadness that I have to notify the club of the death of our member Toby Fisher, who died at the age of 29 from renal failure.
In the 16 years I knew Toby, through, schooling, university, and related professions, he was always the larger-than-life character for which he has, and will be renowned for. Despite all the problems thrown at him, in sight and renal, he was always the leader for positivity, giving guidance and support for everyone around him. He also fought hard for people's rights, being heavily into local, and given the chance, national politics.
Over the years, we have shares many hobbies, including radio and computers, and Toby was working to help Outsiders with it's IT presence, sending INSIDE to VI members by email. Toby will be greatly missed by all who had the pleasure to meet him and share a part of his eventful, but short life.
A mutual friend, Chris Cook, said at the funeral 'Toby was like a thunderstorm - he arrived suddenly, made a loud sound, shone a bright light, left his mark on everyone he touched, and then left just as suddenly. '
This also signified his wonderful interest of storms and other weather phenomena.
You can all watch Toby dancing with me at the New Year Party when 'Disabled and Looking for Love' is screened on the telly. It is obvious by his grin that I was telling Toby a totally unrepeatable joke, and I remember his very-Toby response, 'Classic!'.
www.ukselfhelp.info is part of Lycos and provides a unique list of groups for people who might like to be in touch with others with the same problem, be it Acne, Cystic Fybrosis, cystitis, insolvency or Dancing Eyes Syndrome.
Disability Pregnancy & Parenthood International
runs a Disabled Person's Network and a quarterly journal.
www.dppi.org.uk
Tel: 0800 018 4730.
Venus 2000 for guys (which doesn't require an erection to enable orgasm) and Lovemaster for women. E-stimming offers hands free stimulation for both genders - more on this topic next issue. Shipping worldwide. http://www.electroman.com.au.
Offers practical deliverable solutions and provides information about MS that is positive and constructive through a professional information service and publications.The MS Trust is not afraid to deal openly with sexuality and they hold candid chatroom discussions, the transcripts of which are published on MS Trust their website. They are currently producing a booklet on sex for women.
Spirella Building,
Bridge Road,
Letchworth Garden City,
Herts.
SG6 4ET.
Tel: 01462 476700.
email: finfo@mstrust.org.uk.
Web: www.mstrust.org.uk.
The Tall Persons Club GB & Ireland is dedicated to providing information for and promoting the interests of tall people. If height is an issue in your life, be it your own height, or that of someone close to you, joining the Tall Persons Club GB & Ireland will help you and others like you to improve matters not just for tall people, but for all people.
Membership is for those who consider themselves taller than average. You decide. With each generation growing taller, members are drawn from every age group and walk of life. The Club aims to have regular contact with commercial, medical, regulatory and other organisations with whom they raise the awareness of the specific needs of tall people.
Richmond Business Centre,
Greyhound House,
23-24 George Street,
Richmond.
TW9 1HY.
Tel: 07000 TALL-1-2 (07000 825512).
Disability Now website has free personal advertising for penfriends and partners and they do seem to attract a good proportion of women. Perhaps women feel that because it's attached to a magazine it is safer. Still, please be careful. http://www.disabilitynow.org.uk/directory/adv_personals.htm.
An on-line community for disabled individuals based in the US but explanding to the UK. You can enter your personal blog, write about your daily life, dating experiences feelings and thoughts and get other members' feedback. You can also post messaged to the forum and chat one on one with others in the community. Infact everything we wish our own website could offer. www.dating4disabled.com.
I never seem to get any answers to the letters I write to female members in the club. This seems very rude I have read the Practical Suggestions section on letter writing, and I try to sound positive about myself, whilst being honest. I am getting very disheartened. Why don't the women reply do you think? Why do they join Outsiders if they don't want to meet men?
Grumpy Letter Writer
From your letter, I sense that your letters are all about YOU and never about the women you are writing to. This will give the woman the impression that you are uncaring, self-centred and not-nice-to-know. If you really must write letters rather than send e-mails, at least make them exciting, enticing and fun to receive. I am not saying everyone has got to be superhighway babes, but one thing is certain these days - when we get dull letters we dump them in the bin. We have high standards, just like you men have.
Remember one basic rule about women - we are quite happy on our own unless we find someone who really sweeps us off our feet. We want to be loved, cherished, listened to. We want to have our tastes and views considered, and we want romance and laughter. If your letter cannot deliver any of these things, you will find you're wasting your stamps.
However nice you are, we don't want details of your looks, hobbies, job, tastes and inside leg measurement. We want to be amused, and feel you care. One easy-to-follow principle to work on is that you must alternate between details about you and details about her, with more space in the letter devoted to her than you.
So, however little you know abou the woman you are writing to, the letter can go along the lines of:-
I live in a quiet part of ...town where it's safe to park your car and walk around. I gather from your address you live in pretty part of town, that must be lovely, and I hope you get out a bit to enjoy it. I would very much like to explore if you feel like being taken out some day.
I am very keen on astronomy and know many, many stars by name. My speciality is moonlit dinners in the summer, where I can give a running commentary whilst we eat. Maybe you might like to join me some time?
Your name is very pretty if you don't mind me saying so. I'm afraid my name is plain Jim but my friends tend to call me a few other names which I won't mention here.
Do you get my drift? Don't be too personal. Never forget that Sue, Eleni, Janet and I are very happy to help coach you in letter writing, at any time. Not everyone has the skill and there is always the phone and yes... email.
Sometimes however great your letter is, it will arrive on a bad day, get buried under the junk mail and binned. That's why it's a good idea to put a red star on the envelop to try and transform that bad day into a red star day for her.
I am a young disabled man who wants to make the most of life and live it to the full, like it says in the Outsiders strapline. However, I find it very difficult to access information and help about sexual health and get help with my problems. I know you run the Sex 0000and Disability Helpline which is great, but I need on-going help on a local level. Please advise.
Rearing to Go
Brook have just launched an initiate to help under 25 year olds with their sexual rights. They have a wallet card which you can carry with you to present at places where you feel you're not being taken seriously. They also provide confidential information and back up on 0800 0185 023.
I have recently joined Outsiders as an Aspie woman, and I appreciated the Aspie Section of the last INSIDE. But it didn't really provide me anything I can relate to. Do you think we can have some females contributing to this page please?
I am on a long journey searching or what is right for me, and it would be great if I could find something within Outsiders which I found meaningful.
Searching Aspie Girl
Absolutely right. Better than reading something in our magazine, why don't you try to attend one of our V-Group get togethers? These are extremely empowering for those who attend, and the women are profoundly searching souls, as well as being very down to earth about their bodies. The dates and times are flexible to suit those who want to come along, and each group is small and un-threatening. It is very important to us that people 'find something' in Outsiders, even if it is not a wife or husband or friend, as we feel we have something very special in the club, uniquely precious in this world of spin, status and sedentary pursuits.
As a new member, I enjoy the advice you give in your column but I worry that there has been years of advice (27 to be precise) previous to my joining which I have missed out on. There are very few issues of INSIDE on the website, so where can one access previous columns?
Keen
That is very sweet of you but anything I write which is regarded as at all useful is added to our website as a link. The stuff previous to 2000 has all gone into Practical Suggestions. How we collate material in the future will depend on how technology goes. Why don't you offer to be the collator?
I did have a date with someone lovely in Outsiders but they only wanted one thing. How does one tell someone to slow down, or select only those people who are multidimensional in their needs?
Circumspect
I don't think there is a way. Perhaps your date just fancied you crazy and you never know, you may feel that way towards somebody one day. We are all multidimensional, but relationships develop at difference paces with different people. Being horny with a relative stranger doesn't make you bad or good. Being slow neither. But what makes us extra-good is being tolerant, persevering and amused by everything that doesn't go according to plan, or quite as we imagined it should.
I have been a member of Outsiders for six months now and I live in the North of England. I have to say that I really appreciate what you are doing and think the ideas of Outsiders are excellent. However, on a more practical note, since I joined, the only person who has called me on the phone is one of the researchers from the Lambent TV documentary. This does not make me feel very welcome in the club. I have no friends, and don't feel the club is really delivering what it claims to be. Sorry to complain.
Moaner
It breaks my heart to agree with you - we cannot possibly phone everyone who joins, as there are just not enough hours in the day. The difference between Lambent Outsiders is that Lambent has the funds to pay researchers full-time, and Outsiders has no-one full-time and none of us are paid. Volunteers have their priorities in order to survive. Sorry. I am doing everything I can to get more help and obtain funding, but our group is not yet very well understood by others and we have to be patient. On the other hand, as we say to everyone, you are very welcome to call us.
Some of the members offer to drive members to events, etc., but we cannot list members' names on this website. We do seek more drivers if anyone wants to volunteer.
We ask members, please ensure you are ready when they arrive, offer to share the petrol costs, and show your appreciation.
Don't forget 'Fares to Work' schemes, Dial a Ride, local schemes, and your local volunteer bureau.
Tel: 020 8677 8630
Email act@aumshanti.info
Web: www.aumshanti.info
Accessible Premises
There are times in all our lives when it feels as if there are no solutions to the issues we face.
Sometimes there are things we cannot share with people close to us because it's too personal or it feels inappropriate.
Sometimes when there is some emotional imbalance within us it can manifest express itself in different ways.
Depression can lead to loss of appetite, sleep problems and lack of energy, amongst other things.
You may be experiencing anxiety or panic attacks or other worrying symptoms brought on by stress. Lack of self-esteem, confidence, or just a general feeling of 'I can't cope.'
One to one counselling, group training and workshops.
The next issue of
INSIDE
was to feature an interview with our lovely member Adam Myers, but
sadly he died before we were able to do this interview. Adam had moved
from Wembley to live in Devon, and is very much missed. He was a regular at the
Outsiders London Lunches.
The move was to get better care facilities. This photograph was taken on his
30th Birthday which was celebrated at an
Outsiders London Lunch.
We welcome an obituary on Adam, letters, articles and requests for the magazine, success stories and suggestions. Please send copy by email if possible and include photographs.
INSIDE comes out three times a year - March, July and November.
Deadline for the next issue - 1st June.
The illustrations on the front and back of this issue of
INSIDE
are paintings by Frida Kahlo, a Mexican artist who was born in 1907. She had Polio as a child and
was badly injured in a traffic accident at the age of sixteen in Mexico City, when her bus collided
with a street car. Her right leg, pelvis and spine were shattered and a steel rail skewered her abdomen.
The impact also shattered her clothes, and she was found naked, covered in blood and gold dust - someone else on the bus, probably a house painter, had been carrying a packet of powdered gold dust, which had burst all over her.
Frida had over thirty operations, bone grafts, re-settings, she had clamps and she wore corsets. Her enormous strength and will to live allowed her to survive and make a remarkable recovery. She began painting shortly after the accident because she was bored in bed. This became her lifelong profession. Frida then married the hero of her childhood, a mural painter of the Mexican Revolution Diego Rivera. She even became pregnant several times although she never had a child.
Frida's art was very personal and she let out all of her emotions on canvas, painting her anguish over her stormy marriage, the painful miscarriages, and the agony she underwent because of the accident.
Despite all of the hurt in her life, Frida was an outgoing person who loved to drink tequila, use swear words and sing colourful songs to guests at the crazy parties she hosted. She would tell dirty jokes and shock everyone around her. Frida amazed people with her beauty and everywhere she went, people stopped in their tracks to stare in wonder. Men were fascinated with her, and Frida enjoyed numerous, scandalous affairs. Frida died after the amputation of a leg in 1954.
Frida is famous for having invented a style congruent to surrealism and is now regarded as one of the most significant artists of the twentieth century. A large exhibition of her work was on show in the Tate Modern in 2005.
The painting on our front cover is a self-portrait. The painting on the back is of her feet in the bath, featuring her parents, her husband linked to her injured foot and depicting both pain and sexual desire.
