A man telephoned S.P.O.D. in great distress. "How dare they assume I am heterosexual" he finally blurted out. Middle-aged and suffering from M.S. he had been admitted -to residential care. The home was quite progressive about relationships, allowing partners to stay for nights or weekends. However, as the caller put it, "the whole place seems to be run on heterosexual innuendo - mostly generated by the staff". The caller had been in a relationship for fourteen years and would have liked his partner to stay with him on the same terms as the partners of other residents...
At the time of writing (1993) it is considered at a conservative estimate that 10% of the population is predominantly homosexual. Therefore it would seem to follow that 10% of people with disabilities are likely to be homosexual too. Yet the number of homosexual men and women who contact S.P.O.D. is less than 1%. Perhaps this is because S.P.O.D. has not always made it clear that the Association is for everyone with a disability, irrespective of their sexual orientation.
By definition, a short leaflet like this has to resort to generalities. Basically its purpose is to be consciousness-raising for both the man and the woman with a disability who thinks they may be homosexual and for carers to realise that not everyone with a disability is heterosexual. Homosexuality is as natural and normal for some people as heterosexuality is for others.
Because the issues are different for men who are homosexual from women who are homosexual, they are looked at separately. People in the two groups like to be referred to as gay men and lesbians and they are referred to subsequently as such.
For a lesbian with a disability the first problem may be in getting information about her sexuality. Most sex education does not mention lesbianism. The media, heterosexual friends and family may be full of prejudice and misinformation. If one in ten women is lesbian, statistically almost everyone is likely to have someone in their family or social circle who is lesbian. Many have been persuaded consciously or unconsciously to suppress their lesbianism and try to be heterosexual. Many lesbians are married with families and it is not unusual for women to reach 40, 60 or 70 before realising their own sexual identity. In an often homophobic culture feeling confident about your sexual orientation is important.
It is important to think about the lifestyle that would best suit the individual - to have several partners or to have one or to have none; to have short or long term relationships. How a woman expresses her lesbianism is very individual and personal. It is important to learn to feel happy with one's own body. Masturbation and self-pleasure are valuable ways to learn about your body and what pleases you sexually. Many women have never had adequate information about their own sexual potential.
Lovers can caress each other simultaneously or singly, with hands or mouth. If there is no sensation in the genital area, remember any part of your body can be a sensual area. If your partner can orgasm you can share in her pleasure. Because both partners are women it doesn't mean they are carbon copies. Many find intense enjoyment in breast stimulation, others like vaginal penetration, whilst others find ear lobes, neck, back, buttocks, inner thighs, feet, palms, particularly pleasing. Specially sensitive massage before or after sharing sex can extend the closeness. Remember, the clitoris is the only organ of a woman's body solely for pleasure. Stimulation can be by the fingers or by the side of the hand or with a sex aid (see Leaflet No. 4) if you find this more convenient.
Until 1967 when the Homosexual Reform Act was passed, it was against the law for two men to indulge in sexual activity together. The 1967 Act made it legal for two consenting males over the age of 21 to have a homosexual relationship in private. It should be noted that the age of consent for heterosexuals is 16 and that "in private" is open to debate, as an hotel or residential home can be deemed to be a public place.
Gay men today are indistinguishable from heterosexual men and will often have the same concerns about health, diet, staying young looking and keeping fit. For a man who is homosexual and disabled, these expectations can be daunting. Like his lesbian counterpart a gay man may have had difficulty getting information about his sexuality. Most sex education does not mention homosexuality. The media, heterosexual friends and family may be full of prejudices and misinformation, that gay men are bad, miserable, A.I.D.'s carriers and child molesters whose only expression of sexuality is sodomy. Assuming that if one in ten men is homosexual and many more will indulge in homosexual activity from time to time, again statistically everyone is likely to have someone in their family or social circle who is homosexual.
Although men's sexuality tends to be focused on the penis, gay men's sexuality is usually far from the common image of sodomy. Many men will have explored other erogenous zones as well as mutual masturbation and oral sex. H.I.V./A.I.D.'s has made most men more careful and practice safer sex, but intercourse even using a condom is not 100% safe but only as safe as the condom user.
A social/support group for lesbians with disabilities. BM Box 57000, London. WC1
P.O. Box 153, Manchester, M60 1LP.
0171 837 7324 (24 hours a day, every day of the year). Advice, referral and information services for lesbians and gay men. For gay switchboards in other areas see your local telephone directory.
Any questions on personal issues like these can be asked on our Sex and Disability Helpline:
Post: Tuppy Owens, BCM Box Lovely, London WC1N 3XX
Email: Email Helpline
Phone: 0707 499 3527 : The Helpline is open weekdays 11am to 7pm
Website: www.outsiders.org.uk