We sometimes make the mistake of thinking that everyone knows everything about sex nowadays. In fact, lack of knowledge about sex is responsible for great deal of unhappiness. Very few people have had a good sex education. Most of us have had some rudimentary information given to us at school, usually in the guise of a biology or personal hygiene lesson. Magazines, gossip and furtive experiences may have added to this. The media is full of silly articles and half-baked advice, rarely taking the subject seriously. On this basis, most people get by.
When a disability presents difficulties with your sexlife, general ignorance can make it very difficult to discuss problems openly. This small leaflet could not possibly cover everything there is to know, so please seek further information. Avoid the books and videos sold through sex stores or general outlets, as many of these are composed by journalists rather than experts. This list provides the best of something for everybody:-
When you find your disability interferes with or reduces the quality of your sex life, do study the books, look at the various positions for intercourse and oral sex, read about fantasies, fetishes and frolics and enjoy! Share this fun with your partner, if you have one, and never be afraid to try new things. Be guided by the general rule, if it doesn't hurt it won't be doing you any harm. There are four exceptions to this rule:-
All too sadly, some disabled people find intercourse just too difficult to be enjoyable. But sex is not just about intercourse. It is also about a special personal relationship and about ways of both giving and receiving pleasure. Any part of the body can be an erogenous zone if you want it and pleasure comes from unexpected journeys. Massage, mutual Masturbation and each masturbating themselves are sure ways to get satisfaction, and increases intimacy.
If loving and sex are to be at their best, both partners must help each other, and tell each other what they like. Find nice ways of saying what you don't like, suggesting alternatives without discouraging their partner. Encourage and never criticise. Encourage your partner feel able to look for his or her own pleasure, knowing that this will help both.
If penetrative sex is your goal, be aware that many people do not orgasm from being penetrated, and need extra fingering, licking or the use of a vibrator. Everyone is different, so it's essential to ask, watch and learn.
Having an erection is not essential for intercourse, as a soft penis can be stuffed inside. A steady, slow, rhythmic movement is created by each partner, guiding the other on what feels best. Entry should not resemble a bull charging at a gate, an exercise which is mistakenly regarded by some as a sign of manhood. Violent thrusting or jerking is not usually needed. These points are particularly important for disabled people, since full penetration is sometimes tricky, and too much exertion may lead to breathlessness or a heart which beats too rapidly.
Sexual problems are quite common between partners, especially couples who have stopped communicating, or who always believed that sex is something that just happens magically. Some problems can be overcome on your own with discussion, perhaps referring to books, but visiting a sex therapist is the most efficient way to get your problem sorted. Ask your GP to find you a disability-friendly sex therapist.
Physical and mental play is usually important in getting partners ready for intercourse. It can be especially important for disabled people, since sometimes they can be aroused only by the stroking and caressing of their sexual parts. For a man this may have to be manually stimulated right up to the time of entry.
In recent years, AIDS and other sexual transmitted diseases are a major consideration. If you are starting a new relationship, it is best to use non-penetrative sex and avoid the exchange of bodily fluids (semen and blood). If you can't resist penetrative sex, always secure a condom on the penis and cover with plenty of water-soluble lubricant. These precautions can be dropped if and when you settle down together, and have become certain or your sexual health, perhaps by both getting tested at a clinic. Remember that many people are unfaithful at some time or other, and sexual health can be an on-going issue requiring honest discussion and precaution.
Any questions on personal issues like these can be asked on our Sex and Disability Helpline:
Post: Tuppy Owens, BCM Box Lovely, London WC1N 3XX
Email: Email Helpline
Phone: 0707 499 3527 : The Helpline is open weekdays 11am to 7pm