Partner is a title which can be used in several types of relationships. As well as marriage there are those who may have live-together partners of the opposite sex or their own sex. SPOD does not make moral judgements and is equally happy to talk to people who are hetero- or homo-sexual, married or unmarried.
In a society where the media persist in promoting an image that to be a success you have to be young and beautiful (not to say multi-orgasmic) those who do not fit into all (or indeed any) of these categories can feel quite inadequate.
For the person/partner with a disability these messages can come across too. When the disability occurs after a marriage or other relationship has been established the couple may have to create quite a new and different life-style from the one that they had previously and feel comfortable in it. It may be necessary to decide who carries out the household chores, who is to be the main breadwinner, or how these roles can be shared.
There may be a period of grieving for the loss of the ability to work, do a job etc, and generally about becoming disabled. Some people, after the initial shock, are not worried by acquired handicaps or bodily differences, while others may find certain aspects of the disability hard to cope with. The outlook of both partners on disability itself is important. This period of adjustment may also let in the grief felt about the loss of their "love-life" as they knew it and a sense of bereavement for the lost ability to have sexual intercourse. Disability can make having a love-life difficult, especially if a couple find they are unable to make love as often or as easily as they used to do. Fortunately, for many disabled people this state of affairs doesn't arise. Where problems do occur they can usually be overcome without too much difficulty. But where problems exist which are not so easily solved, very real distress can be caused to either or both partners.
When a disabled couple — or a couple of whom one is disabled — decide to marry or live their lives together, a good deal of thinking has to be done in advance. And where such a relationship does not exist, sex cannot be expected to bring complete fulfilment.
When sexual difficulties arise — even physical ones — they often turn out to be due to attitudes towards sex itself. Some people are shy about it. They may find it hard to try out new ideas or practices or even to talk about them with their partners. But to talk things over together and to experiment with possible solutions can be extremely worthwhile. There is a golden rule: Love, patience and mutual tolerance on the part of both partners seldom fails to solve problems and most difficulties can be overcome.
There are many different positions in which sexual intercourse is possible, suitable and enjoyable. It is seldom that at least one position cannot be found which is comfortable and pleasant. And don't forget that, if sexual intercourse is impossible, it is not the only way of finding sexual satisfaction.
Intense pleasure can be obtained by one or both partners using hands, lips or mouth in the caressing, fondling and kissing of each other's bodies. This kind of love-making can take a number of different forms and, with practice, can be developed into a fine art.
A number of improvised or artificial aids can be used to help achieve satisfaction in sexual intercourse. Some people see such things as abnormal or kinky, but they can add to the pleasure of many people, disabled or able-bodied, and the fact that they can be particularly useful for some disabled people is clearly in their favour.
For those who need to, it is important to have time to grieve for the love-life you have lost. But there can then be a time of strengthening and growth. Non-penetrative sex, for example, is not goal oriented and a couple can find new delights in each other's bodies. After all, there are as many erogenous zones in the body as you care to make. A new balance can be found in the relationship where, particularly, the male/female roles are less polarly defined and there is a greater sense of sharing and the excitement of new discoveries.
In fact no sexual practice, provided it is enjoyed and consented to by both partners and harms no one, can reasonably be regarded as abnormal or bad. What matters in sexual partnership is the display of love and affection — in any of its many and varied forms.
Sometimes love, patience and mutual tolerance are not quite enough and a couple may find it more comfortable and safe to share their fears and feelings in the presence of, and with the help of, a counsellor.
Any questions on personal issues like these can be asked on our Sex and Disability Helpline:
Post: Tuppy Owens, BCM Box Lovely, London WC1N 3XX
Email: Email Helpline
Phone: 0707 499 3527 : The Helpline is open weekdays 11am to 7pm