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The McKenzie Model of Running a Lunch

How to get a social lunch running successfully: some suggestions

By Victoria McKenzie, who set up the North of England Lunches

  1. Be hyper-aware. I think this is one of the key skills for a facilitator to use — just to be constantly vigilant on other people’s behalves, look for gaps to include them, look for successful combinations of people, successful open topics, and so on. If I hear one person mentioning that they like France, and I know someone else has just been on holiday there, I will make sure they are introduced with this knowledge.

    This is actually what I think makes the job of facilitator so exhausting (but so satisfying): I am pretty much on red alert all the time, and am never fully focussed on one thing (even if I appear to be) because I am constantly monitoring the experience from the perspective of everyone at the table and doing anything I can to improve it.

    Engage people who are looking awkward, or mdash; even better — introduce them to someone else who is looking for a chat.

    3-way conversations take the pressure off shy people but are not too large to be scary, so ideally try and get 3 people engaged in a light conversation together.

  2. Think of general topics that most people can relate to. For example, food; where they come from; weather; news items (watch out for politics!); X Factor (I hate the show myself but, when I realized that a whole section of our table watched it, I then watched it myself because shy members came forward with something to say!)

    I literally seize upon a topic that I hear coming up that might be a good general topic. If one person is talking to another about something general, and I see a member sitting nearby but being ignored, then I shoulder my way in and widen things out by including them and making it as general as it needs (and then I can dip out again once things are going well).

  3. The “conversation starter” strips can be left around the table for people to initiate using. However, in my experience most people are too shy/unsure to pick them up and use them, so you might need to be proactive in either starting them off in small groups or (if it’s a low number of people in the whole group) doing it en masse.

  4. If you do use the conversation starters, some tips:
    • Use as small groups and get people to talk and really listen to each other. You could even ask them to bring feedback to the larger group of some of their partners’ answers (just to check they were listening!)
    • Use as a large group to keep things light and to generate laughs, and as a chance for people to get to know others and maybe realize things that they have in common. To use as a large group like this, you need a bit of organization and to be proactive at organizing it:
      1. Get folk to be quiet.
      2. Ask someone to hand the envelope of questions to someone else to pick one.
      3. Ask the picker to read it out
      4. (if the picker struggles to communicate or is visually impaired then get them to pick a question and give it to someone else to read out?as with every aspect of the lunch I try and hand the tasks to group members as much as possible to engender a feeling of ownership and control amongst them)
      5. Go round the group giving your answers one by one
      6. Make it clear that people don’t have to answer and if someone is reluctant to answer/shy to speak in front of the group then move on immediately with a lack of fuss. I hate putting shy people on the spot and, in my experience, some people still gain a lot from things by just being present but if they are shy the worst thing you can do is draw attention to them. Give them a chance to answer, but move on immediately if they don’t seem keen.

      In our experience this has really been fun. Many times we have spent so long on one question that we have hardly needed the rest. This is because it’s good that people chip in, mini-discussions get started, people agree or disagree, etc.

  5. Be a good listener.

  6. Be very welcoming to new arrivals.

    Go the extra mile to seat them near sociable members who will engage them in conversation and, if that fails, then make sure you are sitting near them and engage them. You want them to come back!

    New people attending may well be in quite a start of nervousness and anxiety so just try and be aware of this. They may not be up to being introduced to all the others at the table (it draws so much attention to them that it might be quite daunting) and might prefer to just be introduced to one or two other people and settle there.

    Always stress to new members that there are other new members and if possible introduce two new members to each other. It’s important that people don’t feel they are entering a well-established clique. I hate being the only new person at a gathering and I always feel instantly relieved to hear that I am either not the only new person or that at least people are still getting to know each other.

  7. Have basic logistics in place:
    • Keep the day the same each month (or give lots of warning if changing it)
    • Email everyone every month will full details
    • Negotiate with the venue so that you can pay separately with the minimum of hassle. This is a big ask — we are lucky in having a super-helpful venue. However at the last lunch, 2 attendees asked if they could be the “go betweens” between each member paying and the staff on the till. This was really helpful and again, created that sense of ownership we are encouraging.
    • Have a contact phone number for the day (this got a lot of use)
    • Be able to meet people outside the venue or at the station if possible. Or see if another member is keen and able to do this on occasion (it encourages the sense of ownership we are developing
  8. Make sure people get the chance to circulate — sitting at the table limits this, so (hopefully) after people have eaten, you can either relocate (to sofas, if you are lucky with your venue) or just be very proactive at asking the mobile people to move around and mix up the seating.

  9. I have found ... that most people at the lunches do want to talk about their struggles with relationships BUT this is very hard to strike a sensitive balance on.

    Having one large group discussion can be asking members to reveal a bit much in front of a large audience, so just be aware of this.

    On the other hand, if conversations are not being started naturally then it might be time to bring out the “conversation starters: dating” which covers all aspects of companionship, dating, relationships etc.

    How to use the “conversation starters: dating”:

    • You really need focus and quiet for this as the questions are quite sensitive and people might be revealing personal information in their answers
    • If the whole group is not too large and people are happy together, then you can do this as a large group.
    • If not, then split the whole group into mini groups of maybe 4 people each.
    • In the case of one whole group, hand the envelope full of questions to a member to pick one out and read it (or pass it to someone else to read out if necessary).
    • These are questions such as “How do you escape from a date if it doesn’t feel right?”. The questions are designed never to ask for personal experiences — they are asked in a general way so that people can answer without having to reveal too much about themselves. However, if they want to, this is a great forum for opening up the topic.
    • We have found that these questions often lead to people revealing their experiences. I have noticed this happening in a very gradual way, as people feel more and more safe and comfortable. Often one brave person brings in their own experience and others then feel safe to follow suit.
    • We have had some amazing times when people have slowly revealed their experiences and others have empathized, listened and supported. This is what it’s all about — when you don’t even have to give the support, but the other members step in with support and encouragement.
    • Keep going with the dating questions as long as people want to but again, each question can quite easily elicit a long discussion and that’s perfect. The object of the exercise is not to tick through a list of questions but to instigate a conversation that touches on issues of importance to members.
    • If this is run in small groups:
      • Set up each group with instructions (just to pick a question, read it out and go round taking turns to answer but having as much discussion as needed)
      • Go between groups making sure everyone is being listened to, the conversation is flowing etc.

  10. My objective at each lunch is to absent myself as much as possible. ... This very much depends on who else is in attendance. Ideally, the group will function as a sustainable group of people with lots to talk about.

    However, it usually isn’t quite like this, and that’s where you need one or two facilitators who are very socially sensitive, and are able to be loud and sociable where needed, but also sensitive and organizational when needed.

    I feel the most successful lunches are the ones where I can’t hear my own voice!

    The more ownership we can create the better. Ideally members help each other, approach each other, and feel that their ideas and suggestions are taken into account.

  11. Never encourage talk about absent group members.

    I totally want the lunch to be a forum for people to be themselves but I feel very uncomfortable about any slightly negative or over-personal chats that involve people who are absent.

    It engenders an atmosphere of mistrust and that people who are present might think “is this how they talk about me when I am not here?”. Even if it isn’t negative talk, I still try and put an end to it as I just think it might create unease in people if it goes on.

  12. A combination of variables lead to success:
    • The demand being there — northern members were looking for this.
    • Having a team of two running the lunch.
    • Maintaining phone contact with a lot of members between lunches as well as emails and the communication with the venue (it’s important to get a good relationship with the staff there)
    • A great venue: accessible, friendly, near the station, cheap and tasty.
    • There is a rollover effect from new members coming: each time someone new comes, it gives the lunch a new impetus and gives members another reason to keep attending as they realize that they never know who might turn up. In this way, the success of the lunch feeds itself.
    • Being a welcoming and friendly team.
    • People bringing friends who may not yet be Outsiders members but are interested in finding out more.
    • The organizers learning skills to use when necessary — if the conversation is dying, if people are being left out, if the lunch needs to be a bit more fun and jokey, or conversely if I think it would benefit from being a bit quieter and broaching more serious conversations.

  13. Here follow some of my biggest quandaries as the facilitator and my conclusions gained from experience:
    • What I have noticed is that, as the numbers increase, most people can get their differing needs met. Initially I was solely trying to steer the conversation and the atmosphere to meet everybody’s needs.
    • It goes without saying that this was barely possible — one particular incident was during our 3rd or 4th lunch when things got really comedic and everyone was really having a laugh and loosening up (some of this was due to the presence of 2 PAs who were just very jokey). This was all going great until I sensed that some of the jokes were making 2 women a bit uncomfortable ... and they never came back, so I think my instinct was right.
    • However, the jokes were not inappropriate and I feel that most of the group were really enjoying the jovial atmosphere and it massively refreshed us.
    • I had to conclude that I can’t single-handedly keep everyone happy all of the time though I do feel sad if the jokey nature of the lunch deterred some people from coming back (although it has to be said that both of these women had Autism and may just have not been able to relate to any of the double levels in the jokes and banter). However, if the group is big enough then people can create their own pockets of conversation and therefore it can become all things to all people.
    • When this incident occurred, the group was still very small and there was really only one conversation going on at any one time, so that it was hard to meet everyone’ needs.
    • I also feel that this is similar when the conversation turns to dating, or more specifically to sexuality.
    • What is so special about Outsiders is the way that sex is not banned from the agenda and people are treated like adults.
    • Sometimes, at our lunch, people have talked about things such as The Night of the Senses and there was talk about the Sensory Fashion Show at our 30th Anniversary Celebration. I think it’s really important that this forum is open and that people feel able to share their thoughts on these issues.
    • However, I also am hyper-aware that this kind of stuff makes some people feel extremely uncomfortable and even anxious.
    • Again, there are no easy answers, as you want the lunch to be open to everyone, and a free place for people to talk about things that are important to them.
    • As a facilitator, the best I can do is either try and start separate conversations between people who maybe look uncomfortable and would rather be exited from the topic, or just be part of the conversation and act as a “voice of reason” pointing out that these are all valid lifestyle choices but that not everyone is comfortable with them
    • I am most afraid that someone sitting in a conversation like that will feel terrified, intimidated and anxious. I was once part of a conversation (but with my eye on one member who looked quite uncomfortable) and I just let everyone say their piece but then made sure to emphasize the point that these are all choices and that not everyone feels comfortable etc. I never want anyone to feel pressured into accepting things that make them feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, I sometimes really want the conversation to continue as clearly members are sharing very important stuff and people have a lot to say. Again, ideally give anyone who feels uncomfortable a chance to exit and then everyone can talk about what they want.

  14. Have things to break it up a bit. Once the food is eaten, it can get a bit much to carry on sitting in the same place, talking to the same people.
    • The conversation starters have really helped and can take the form of a game while getting people up and moving.
    • Moving, changing location — such as from table to sofas — really gives a fresh feeling to the afternoon and helps people sit with different folk.
    • I do try and be subtly instrumental in moving people to different places so that they talk to different people.
    • We did a Secret Santa at Xmas (£1 limit) and it went down a storm! Doing something different really enlivened the whole group. We had crackers too, which had a similar effect.
    • However, on Halloween I had a bag full of gimmicks (silly skeleton straws, devil horns, furry spiders) but I really got a vibe that the group that day wasn’t up for it, so I kept them hidden!
    • Maybe introducing some sort of game after lunch.
    • Quit while you are ahead. Don’t feel that the group must last until the allotted end time. If things have gone well, and then you feel things flagging, it is fine if people start to leave. It will leave them more energized for next time if they don’t reach the point of boredom.