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Making Connections

Lonely Hearts Song - by Matthew Harvey

Former coal-miner, needs to make a fresh start
Wants a slow-burning woman with a solid-fuel heart
Off-season naturist with over-all tan.

Requires positive, outgoing, weatherproof man
Chubby-cheeked cherub with a cheeky-chap smile
Seeks a soft-centred seraph to lead down the aisle
Down-hearted of Suffolk seeks Norfolk broad
Lady with life-raft sought by man overboard.

Chorus:

And the lonely hearts clutch their lonely parts
They know you can't make honey without gathering pollen
They're practising in private to perfect their lonely arts
Run their fingers up and down the lonely hearts column.

Saucy seductress, can ring her own bell
Seeks soft-touch celebrity to kiss and tell
Brass-necked from Barnsley, can blow his own trumpet
Wants traditional, old-fashioned, hot-buttered crumpet
Distressed damsel with Rapunzel locks
Seeks bright white knight with own suggestion box
Freshwater fisherman wants worm on hook
Man-hungry midget seeks short-order cook.

Chorus:

Hardware store owner with colourful past
Wants to give his love freely (while stocks last)
Threadbare widow, without a stitch underneath
Seeks gentleman, fifties, must have his own teeth
Speakeasy waitress with ball-bearing hips
Seeks a deaf and dumb waiter to read her lips.

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I meet lots of people but can't start a relationship

There could be many reasons why this is happening, but it's usually one of these:

• You fail to recognise when someone fancies you - They will spend lots of time looking at you, so keep your wits about you by making eye contact and taking in how they respond to you. Two problems:
  1. People who look unusual may find that people stare, so you have learned to ignore people when they look at you.
  2. People with limited vision cannot use this method. Ask a friend to look out for you.
• You fail to grab the moment - Most relationships begin with an incredible coincidence. He happens to be in the same place as her. If you do nothing, you will be like ships passing in the night. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, lack of confidence, not knowing HOW to grab the moment - these are all real possibilities but try not to let an opportunity go, and live to regret it for the rest of your life. It doesn't happen very often but you know when it's there, so go for it!

  It can be very frustrating for people with communication difficulties who are virtually unable to 'grab the moment' when nobody around understands what you are saying. If you have a PA, put it on their job description that they may need to act as a go-between and take the bull by the horns.

• There is something about you which really repels people - Don't say it's because you're ugly, or have a physical impairment or unsociable habits, because that doesn't stop other people with these things finding a partner. It's far more likely that you have smelly armpits, a smelly jumper, grubby clothes, rotting gums, a chip on your shoulder, or you might seem self centred, gloomy, boring or wet. You have probably got well used to being like this so you no longer notice - why not ask one of us at Outsiders for an unbiased opinion?

  If you live too far away, ask a friend. It's very hard to tell someone they smell but it is the biggest present they could give you. A bar of soap or a packet of dental floss will only set you back a couple of quid, and this could be the gateway to a life of passion and love. Another thing to go on the PA's job description is taking care of your personal cleanliness and dealing with any difficulties. Some people with cerebral palsy need to take extra care to prevent stale saliva accumulating.

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I have spent all my money on dating agency fees

Most agencies are terribly expensive, uncaring and not oriented towards disabled and unusual people. They want to be known for having rich and beautiful people on their books, but the people they really want are 'ordinary' men and women who are easy to match. So please just put it all behind you. Appreciate Outsiders which is cheap, likes challenges and offers infinite possibilities.

It would be useful for us to have lists of the agencies, their fees and the details of how you were treated so that we can warn other members.

If you feel dissatisfied, it is worth writing to the agency to voice your opinion. How are they going to learn if nobody tells them? You never know, they may send you your money back, after all, most of them are making enough!

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Are you a 'professional single'?

Many single people spend all their time, money and energy looking for Mr or Miss Right. The image they project of themselves is someone lacking a central identity. While you are focusing your attention on finding a partner, you won't appear interesting to other people.

Seek your 'other half' through shared interests - you'll have something in common to talk about right away. You'll hardly notice the embarrassment of the first date because you'll be so involved. It's much, much easier to get cosy during the rumba or a game of Bridge than on a tense blind date in a pub each with a red carnation in your lapels.

People who give the impression of being always on the lookout for a partner usually produce the opposite effect and frighten people off - others suspect that they're desperate for company because their own personalities are too shallow to keep them amused for long. The key is not to seek a partner but to attract one, and this happens effortlessly when you radiate enthusiasm about the things that interest you.

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My MS interferes with memory and this makes me nervous

Analyse what your problem is: attention, recall, organisation or planning. Think about things more, perhaps using a memory system such as those described in Use Your Memory by Tony Buzan. These may be visual or using special keys, like rhymes, rules, phrases, symbols. Write things down whenever possible, so you don't get nervous. Keep organised. Be honest about your limitations by telling potential partners, with as much humour as you can.

The more you dread failure the more likely it is to happen, so be determined to enjoy life come what may, and you will find lots of nice things to remember and remind you.

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I keep seeking help but nobody will help me

Surely the best way to find what you want in life is to go for it rather than seeking help in the hope that someone else will provide it.

After a while, people find it's a waste of time helping someone who will not take advice or act for themselves. If you really have a grievance, take it to the top of the professional body in charge and demand your rights. Otherwise, just get on with life.

Try the website www.askdrvictoria.com which is run by a very wise lady called Dr Victoria Lee. Perhaps she'll come up with some new ideas?

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Are you boring?

A bore is someone who talks when you want them to listen. Ambrose Bierce

How to tell if you're boring? People stop listening, stop ringing you, walk away or don't look at you when you're talking to them.

What bores people? Do you repeat yourself? Drone on? Moan all the time? Is your voice monotonous? Do you talk at them rather than to them?

What to do about it:

• Remember that you have two ears and only one mouth - listen more than you speak.
• In particular, find out what interests them before speaking.
• If you suspect they might be bored, change the subject with a question about them.
• If you find that you make even interesting things sound boring, try public speaking classes or work out ways of speaking in a more personal and lively tone. People don't like facts, figures and lectures.
• Never deliver monologues - conversations are a two-way process.

Speak to people regularly It's usually the people who haven't spoken to anyone for a while who spew verbal diarrhoea for hours on end. Don't do this to someone if you're trying to seduce them!

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I don't meet enough people

Most people meet their friends and partners through work. If that's not happening for you, you could seriously consider switching jobs to one where you work with a nice crowd. If you don't have a job, try some voluntary work. Singles clubs and dating agencies provide an artificial environment in which to meet people, and the people you meet through them may seem dull and insecure. However, they may be the answer if you live in an isolated spot or work unsociable hours. Here are some ideas:

• One member in a remote part of Scotland started her own club, she called it Meeting Place and attracted members with an ad in the local paper. They met every Saturday night in a pub - she introduced everyone to each other over a drink, then sent the youngsters off to a disco, the pensioners to another club and went to a dinner-dance with the middle-aged members. It was very successful and the club had more men than women.
• It may take a while to find a club or a group of people where you really feel you fit in, but don't get despondent. The more alternatives you try, the more likely you are to succeed.
• At some places, it may take several visits before people will talk to you, but don't give up. Look upon your days and nights in Singles Land as an enjoyable adventure - keep a diary of your experiences as if you're the hero of your own novel or a journalist researching material for an article. If you have a friend you can share with, get together regularly to compare notes and have a laugh about the strange and funny things that have happened.
• One game that's fun and sometimes works out unexpectedly is the 'Try To Get Rejected' game. Go to a bar or disco with a friend and select your own people to be rejected by. Then go and ask that person for a dance or a date - with your friend watching on laughing. Assume that they'll advise you (politely or otherwise) to get lost, and smile when they do. Strangely enough, we select people who we feel some chemistry with and more often than not, they feel it too, so you might well strike lucky. And in the meantime, you've learned that your self-esteem doesn't collapse simply because someone who could have had a dream affair with you decides they don't like the look of you.
• If you've always been shy but want to widen your circle of friends, take it one step at a time - taking the plunge needn't mean a triple back somersault into the deep end. If you're a disabled person, it might be better, for example, to learn to water-ski with other disabled people and then join a mainstream club when you're a wiz on the waves. And if you're socially nervous, a club like Outsiders where you're welcomed and encouraged is perhaps a better first bet than Stringfellows on a Saturday night.
• If a club or other establishment turns you away because you have a physical impairment, kick up a fuss. If they won't back down, let us know and we'll try to get your problem sorted out.
• Singles clubs vary enormously in type and quality, and many are short-lived - the organisers marrying each other and losing interest. Some of the larger, more established ones have holidays, fund-raising, sports activities and local branches. None are as cheap as Outsiders, and very few offer personal introductions, friendly guidance or mutual support. We've listed a wide selection in the directory under Singles/Social Clubs, and you can get a complete list of clubs from your local library or council information centre.

  Members usually meet regularly in each other's homes or in pubs and restaurants to chat over drinks and a meal. Many of the people at these gatherings will be shy, and you may find it hard to make friends at first. Well-run clubs generally try to make newcomers feel welcome, but it often takes several visits before you're fully accepted. Smile a lot and persevere.

• Computer dating - These companies advertise in the national press, and some are listed in the directoryunder Dating & Introduction Agencies.

  They're an impersonal way of getting personal, and the greater size of their membership is balanced by correspondingly higher fees. One of the largest is Dateline, which costs around £100 to join and doesn't ask questions about disabilities on its match-making questionnaire.

  If you join one of these agencies, you'll receive a computer print-out of names and addresses of 'suitable' people who live nearby, and it'll be up to you to contact them.

• Introduction agencies & marriage bureaux

  People use marriage bureaux for a variety of reasons. They may have been divorced or widowed, and find the 'singles jungle' a bewildering place after years of being in a relationship. They may have been badgered into it by parents eager for grandchildren; or they may want a safe, 'respectable' path to marriage, and see the agency as a matronly protector weeding out undesirables.

  You're likely to be paying high fees for the agency's services, so make sure you get value for money. Spend time getting to know them and discuss your circumstances with them honestly. Study all their literature carefully before you sign up, to ensure that you don't end up paying for 'extras' you don't need.

  Most of the agencies listed in the directory are approved members of the Association of British Introduction Agencies. For a free, up-to-date list, send a stemped, self-addressed envelope to:
  'List of Agencies' ABIA,
  Suite 354,
  56 Gloucester Road,
  Kensington,
  London.
  Tel: 020 8742 0386.

• Holidays - Away from the daily grind, people become more open to new experiences. It's true that holiday romances can quickly fade when you're back home: but if neither of you have much to go back to, there's no need to let that happen. Don't be seduced into thinking that getting back to the office, farm or the factory is a return to 'real life' - falling in love is real life! Make the absolute most of it, and forget about 'being sensible' - there are too many sensible people about as it is!

  Singles holidays are becoming more varied. The 'Beaver Espana' 18-30 type is still popular, especially with young men (if you want to spend a week in Torremolinos getting too drunk to screw the girls in the party, who usually end up in the tour guide's chalet anyway). Whichever package holiday you choose, be aware that you can't always believe what you're told. Special interest holidays are a better way of making friends.

  We've listed a few holiday firms in the directory, but most travel agents would be able to give you a fuller idea of what's currently available. For general info on travel and holiday information for disabled and 'disadvantaged' people (one parent families, older people and those on low incomes), contact:
  Holiday Care Service,
  Tourism for All,
  The Hawkins Suite,
  Enham Place,
  Enham Alamein,
  Andover.
  SP11 6JS
  Tel: 01293 774 535
  Fax: 01293 784 647
  Minicom 01293 776 943
  Email: info@tourismforall.org.uk

  Solo travellers who want to avoid the dreaded singles supplement in hotels could contact:
  STAG (Single Travellers' Action Group),
  Church Lane,
  Sharnbrook,
  Bedford.
  MK44 1HR
  
  Membership is cheap which includes three newsletters, and a members' holiday is arranged every Christmas.

  The Dance Holiday Company offers package holidays to various parts of the world where you learn and enjoy the local dances.
  Dance Holidays,
  108 New Bond Street,
  London.
  W1S 1EF Email info@danceholidays.com.

  Travel Companions helps to find compatible holiday companions for people aged 25-75. Tel. 01590 683 005. Friends is a club for those seeking travel companions and maybe a relationship. All ages. Send an SAE for details to: PO Box 53,
  Skegness.
  PE24 4XA.

  Everybody's Hotel Directory is a website for disabled travellers listingover 2000 accessible hotels in the UK and abroad, indexed by region and updatedregularly.

  See Transport, Travel & Holidays in our directory.

• Radio matching

  Many local radio stations have 'lonely hearts' type programmes to match up their listeners. Listeners to programmes and magazines for Visually Impaired people such as Soundaround, the national magazine for the blind, also have the chance to meet and match through their contact section:
  74 Glentham Road,
  Barnes,
  London.
  SW13
  Tel: 020 8741 3332

  Many fun people who are largely unable to leave their house or car, meet through amateur radio contact:
  Radio Society GB,
  Lambda House,
  Cranbourne Road,
  Potters Bar,
  Herts.
  EN6 3JE
  Tel. 01707 59015.

• Advertising in newspapers & magazines

  If you have a special interest, religion or requirement, it makes sense to try the 'trade' papers first - a lovesick scuba diver with left-wing leanings could advertise in the Socialist Scuba Diver Weekly, while lonely Mormons in Norfolk might opt for the Norwich Mormon's Digest. Many of our members have had some success with personal ads, though where you live seems to be a factor - women appear to be more reluctant to reply in London and other big cities, perhaps because there are many more alternative ways for them to meet potential partners than in rural areas. Here are some of the ads that our members have put in, with the responses:

  • From a 64-year-old divorced lady in a large Home Counties town, put the following ad in the local evening paper for 4 nights:

    Lonesome man? Just retired and no-one to share your leisure time with? I'm in the same position. I'm slim, youthful [actually, the newspaper printed useful] and full of energy, hoping to begin life again with the right man. Let's meet to see if it's sweet.

    Result: 15 replies, some of whom seemed from their letters to be extremely nice. She met one, a very interesting man, but he didn't call her again so she gave up.

  • From a 40-year-old professional man with a curved spine, living near a large town in the Home Counties. Two separate ads, put in once each in the local paper.

    Fascinating unattractive man, middle-aged and short, hopes through this advert to find an intelligent woman to share his zest [paper almost printed vest] for life. Wide range of interests. I drive a car and have a responsible job. Don't be shy, give me a try.

    This produced two replies from women he guessed would be 'too old and uninteresting'. The second ad:

    Are you a special woman sitting behind your newspaper? I'm 41, and waiting for you. They wanted me to play the lead in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, but I wanted to stay in. Write to....

    This got four replies. Some of the ladies seemed very nice, but he didn't contact them because he met and married someone in Outsiders!

  • From a 34-year-old man with cerebral palsy, in a West Country local evening paper:

    A wild young man is ready to settle down. If you're mad enough to want me (I'm in a wheelchair and laugh more than talk), we could have a ball of a time and hopefully children. Taking a degree and enjoy concerts, food and wine. All intellectual women, please write. Box...

    Response: Nil.

  • From a man in Scotland with cerebral palsy, put in The Scotsman:

    Sympathetic academic man (32) wishes to find a gentle gem of a woman to take out and about, care for and, if Cupid strikes, marry. No-one is perfect, but if we loved each other we could make allowances. I am well-travelled, with many interests. I drive a car and, although slightly disabled, can do almost anything, except sing. Please write to Box...

    This produced 15 replies - some from women that he 'wouldn't recommend to anyone' and others who didn't write back or want to meet. Of the six he met, one was extremely friendly but didn't want to get involved.

  • From a 32-year-old man in South London who's slightly disabled from childhood polio:

    Interesting male designer, 32, solvent, good-looking, seeks female into art, cinema, talking, music, humour, people, and doesn't believe all disabled people are boring, sexless or in wheelchairs. Write now and let's surprise each other.

    He received 15 replies and met several of the girls, but no relationships developed.

  Although some interesting contacts ensued from these ads, none of them were successful in finding a long-term partner. It is possible to meet long-term friends/lovers through adverts. One female member, who finds it very difficult to leave her bed for more than a couple of hours at a time, has used this method to create a social life by careful choice of words in her adverts. She says it's best to use a Box number if possible, and it's handy to have a friend to provide 'safety' back-up. After exchanging several letters and phonecalls, you should have a 'gut' feeling as to whether someone is on your wavelength. Beware of accommodation addresses and impersonal, photocopied letters which could be used to answer any advert. A friendly, handwritten letter with a home address and phone number is the most reassuring.

  One advantage of advertising in the local press is that it can provide you with people nearby with whom you can practise having dates and making friends. All this will make you more experienced and increase your confidence and social skills.

  If any publication refuses your ad on the grounds that you're gay or disabled, let us know.

  Many areas have Free Ads newspapers which are published weekly and are free to advertise in. You get 50 words to play with which gives a lot of scope, and you can choose from headings such as 'Friendship', 'Gay & Lesbian' or 'Romance'. However, many of these papers seem opposed to ads from couples and won't accept explicit language. You pay a few quid for each letter you want forwarded.

  If you prefer Voicemail adverts - be reminded that the calls are expensive even if the ad is free. You can call the person back once they have left you a message and you like the sound of them. You need to be ready for rejection, because lots of people hang up on you before getting very far.

  You can develop really nice phone-pals with people you may not wish to meet in person, or perhaps you met them and didn't want to bother again but like chatting with. Spend a good deal of time chatting before you agree to meet anybody. Generally, people who talk about sex on the phone are not looking for a relationship and it's not worth making arrangements to meet because they won't show up.

  A short list of publciations that may be of use, when thinking of placing a person ad:

  • People who are looking for a sexual liaison without involvement could try a sex contact magazine such as Desire Direct:
    Moondance Media Ltd.,
    P.O.Box 282,
    London.
    SW4 0QQ
    
    Only available by mail and offers a free service to Outsiders members.
  • Rendezvous magazine is available from:
    3/5 Stoney Street,
    Nottingham.
    NG1 2EQ
    
    Ladies advertise free (18 words), couples and gays £4, males £7.
  • The Pen Society,
    Chorley.
    PR7 4BS
    
    publishes:
    • Matchmaker,
    • Fads & Fantasies,
    • Subs & Doms,
    • Liberated Women &
    • Adult Fun Times
    plus other contact mags, which cost around £30 for about 6 issues. Ladies are often allowed to advertise free in these kind of publications, though gentlemen should be aware that advertisers may sometimes expect money for 'services.' Ads hoping for a 'generous' man are usually an indication of this.

  A cheaper and probably more effective way of finding lovers through newspapers and magazines is to send in a letter or article, explaining how difficult it is for people in your situation to find partners. You needn't have your real name printed, though an article would probably need to be accompanied by a photo (preferably of you looking wistful and lovelorn). One of our female members did this and gave Outsiders a positive mention, which led to a big influx of new members in her area. Another member had a letter about the club printed in Singles magazine, and received a letter from a very nice lady who he met. As a result, he lost his virginity and was then able to start new relationships with added confidence and spirit.

  It's worth thinking about what and what not to mention in your response to an ad or first letter, especially if you are a disabled person or have a long-term health problem. Most people agree it's best to mention your disability or problem (without going into too much detail, and preferably with a bit of gentle humour) in your first letter or phone call. This will weed out people who wouldn't be interested or able to cope with your situation. Even if you regard it as a barrier to starting relationships, it's pointless to hide your disability from your would-be friend until you think they like you enough not to be bothered by it. If they're not put off by disability, the passage of time will make no difference; and if it turns out that they are, you've simply wasted your time, money and energy on someone who was unsuitable from the start.

  Turning up for a blind date without letting the other person know about your disability is usually counter-productive. We've heard stories of people who use wheelchairs being stood up by dates who've fled at the first sight of them, and even people who simply don't conform to conventional ideas of beauty may find their hoped-for night of passion brutally curtailed. One attractive but overweight lady who'd arranged a blind date described how her Casanova mumbled that he couldn't risk his mates seeing him with a fat girl, gave her £10 and disappeared!

  Below are some ideas which you might find helpful - ways of describing your condition in a way which makes your physical difference seem less threatening to someone who's not used to it and may feel apprehensive.

  We've been criticised for these descriptions by disabled people who feel that society should develop a positive attitude towards disability. They think these descriptions are offensive. If you agree, we apologise. However, no one can argue with the fact that 'Mr or Mrs Average' is ignorant and is very put off by the idea of disability, and to reach them you have to tread one step at a time.

  The examples below in fact show how little non-disabled people really understand the issues involved.

  Difference	Gentle description
  In a wheelchair	I'm the fastest wheelchair in West Drayton
  Visually Impaired	I don't rely on vision and need help with reading
  Hearing Impaired	I use lip reading
  Cerebral Palsy	If I seem a bit shaky, don't worry
  Restricted Growth	I'm smaller than most people, but not in every respect
  Wear Callipers	I've got nice legs, if a little delicate and in need of support
  Disfigured	I have memorable features
  Scoliosis	My back may seem unusual
  Stutter	My speech isn't always fluent
  Brain damage/stroke	Since my accident/stroke I've been a bit unsure, but I'm on the mend

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How do I meet potential partners via the Internet?

The Internet has provided wonderful opportunities for people who have social or physical disabilities. Here is some expertise gathered by Outsiders members. You'll find it's not all plain sailing, but we have highlighted some of the pitfalls. Make the most of what's out there in cyberspace, but don't rely on it, don't retreat away from socialising in the real world.

• Passive method - Set up your own Website and invite interested people to e-mail you. Have a blurb about yourself with a nice photo, and mention your disability and interests. Include links to other sites, e.g. Outsiders or friends.
• Active method - Join and research newsgroups of things you're interested in, such as those which discuss disability-related issues. These groups usually have a charter telling participants what is and what's not allowed. When you post to a newsgroups, it will automatically give away your e-mail address. The problem is that some people collect e-mail addresses and sell them to organisations who will then bombard you with junk e-mails advertising their products. So you might alter your e-mail software so that the e-mail address is wrong for posting - e.g. just put an 'x' at the end.
• Aggressive method - Send a message or personal advertisement welcoming friends to as many newsgroups as possible. Or go to sites such as Dateline, Lovenet, or Lovelink. Sites like Yahoo and Excite.co.uk have chat rooms where you can select your room and join in the chat.

A webcam can be installed on your computer so you can communicate visually as well as in writing. If you have a microphone and speakers on your computer, you can chat verbally through interactive websites for free. People with disabilities can, just for a change, select only the parts of their bodies they wish to display and enjoy being 'seen' without your impairment. Beware that other people are playing the same game and some cute female faces may not be displaying the Adam's Apple or hairy hands.

Many sex workers operate this way, and you might be lured into some commercial transaction, so keep your credit card away from the keyboard, unless, of course, this is your bag.

We know quite a few disabled people who've had cyberfriends, with varying results. One female who only corresponded with people from special interest groups managed to find several friends who became real lovers.

A guy who had lively and sexy communications with several women over the years confessed that none of them would agree to meet him once they learned about his disability. Perhaps the best advice, therefore, is to concentrate your energies on finding someone suitable rather than flirting with the people you find straight away. You can of course enjoy both, so long as you keep your feet on the ground and don't raise your hopes in the wrong direction. Chatting to people on the Net is a good way of learning about yourself, what turns you on, and exploring the erotic world in the safety of your own home.

There are excellent dating sites, and match.com has 50,000 British subscribers, of whom 5,000 are active on the Net at any one time. This provides a lot of choice. Other sites are less easy to sign up to. You can put personal ads up, but response to males is poor. Posting personal ads brings little success. Chat rooms offer an easy way to get to know people quickly and are great for flirting, but poor for dating. Don't register your details unless you really want to.

Wherever you start, you'll hopefully find someone you get along with and start e-mailing each other. Many women feel safe e-mailing saucy flirtations and if you keep her interested without shocking her, she may agree to meet you in person. If your e-pal doesn't show up, it's probably because they are actually nothing like the image they projected. A 'girl' could, of course, be a gay man.

It's really important not to give your address or plan to meet at your place: choose somewhere neutral like a café. This may seem a bother when it's difficult for you to get out, but it's worth the effort. Let at least one other person know the time and location of your arranged date. Tell them you'll call to let them know how's it's going, and that they should come and rescue you if they don't hear. See Meeting Up for the First Time in the next section.

Beware that lots of people don't really want to meet up but prefer to hide behind their computer persona and never face reality. People even say newspaper ads are better for finding partners because Cyberspace is for escapism.

Some sites worth checking out:

• www.lovenet.co.uk -- interesting site and good fun. Recommended.
• www.match.com -- huge, with search facilities, a chat room, matching and the opportunity to create your personal profile.
• datemaker.co.uk -- To register, you have to fill in a complicated questionnaire, then you're e-mailed potential matches.
• www.datingdirect.com -- Easy to use.
• www.4dp.com -- dating site specifically aimed at people with disabilities.
• www.uk-personals.net -- offers a lot of choice but little anonymity, as your e-mail address is available to everyone who browses.
• www.webpersonals.com -- You can look through the dating section and use search facilities, chat and messaging.
• http://singlesclique.com -- Online dating articles and resources

Online chats

These enable you to communicate with others in real time, and you need special software unless you just use a site on the Web which provides no privacy.

• chat.www.talkcity.com -- has a section for romance.
• www.webphone.com -- a web-based audiochat system which allows you to speak via your computer

Real-Time using extra software such as www.aol.co.uk/aimAOL's Instant Messenger, MSN Messennger and ICQ allow special groups leading to one-to-one encounters.

Newsgroups

Newsgroups allow you to post messages and read postings. They are good for specialinterest contacts.

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Meeting up for the first time

Never plan to meet strangers in the street where it will be cold and uncomfortable waiting to see if they're going to show up. Choose somewhere pleasant and relaxing where there are plenty of other people around. It's not a good idea to invite someone you've never met into your home. Always meet in a public place until you are totally sure of them.

If you plan to meet in a pub, choose a safe one and get there a little early or on time. It's not fair to keep someone waiting on their own. It's obviously best to meet in a place you know (especially if you can get the staff to treat you as a VIP in front of your date!) If you've opted for a posh or lively place that you haven't been to before, make a reconnaissance visit before the date at the arranged time, so that you know what to expect - there's not much point in meeting up in the happening place in town if it turns out that Friday at Swanky's is so loud you can't talk. Wherever you meet, make sure that your date will be able to recognise you from your description (a woman won't want to hang around giving strange men glances that could be misinterpreted), and greet the new person with a smile and, if you feel it appropriate, a gentle but firm handshake.

If the man, for example, has done all the asking and arranging, the woman should realise it's nerve-wracking creating a date and if you are not happy with the arrangement, try to reach a compromise, suggest somewhere else, and help him out.

If you agree to let the stranger visit you for convenience sake, always ensure that your visitor knows that you've given their details and time of visit to a friend (you might say, 'My friends X and Y were coming round this afternoon, but when they heard I was meeting you they agreed to turn up later.') Better still, have someone with you when your visitor arrives. If they're genuine, they won't mind.

If your friend can't be with you, get them to phone half an hour into your meeting and devise a system whereby they can check that you're comfortable. You need to be able to answer 'yes' or 'no' so that your visitor doesn't realise that safety checks are being made. Have an easily remembered 'alert - come and rescuee me' phrase.

If your initial communications with your visitor by letter and phone have been thorough, an 'alert' should never be needed. Most people are genuine and don't wish to cause unease or offence.

If you need a PA with you all the time or feel unsafe without a friend, keep them at a distance and have a system for signalling 'Take me home', 'Stay put for a while' or 'We are fine, thank you and good night'. If you're nervous about your new contact, better trust your gut feelings and make a retreat. If you are nervous about being left with a stranger, persevere, remembering that all social life involves some risk.

Don't plan anything expensive in case you're not suited - this isn't a date but an initial meeting to see how you get along, and see if there is any 'chemistry'. Aim at something that you'll both enjoy - hopefully you'll have taken the trouble to find out what you both like doing. Devote your energy to putting the other person at ease, and don't expect to hit it off right away. Definitely don't expect instant lust from this nervous stranger. Be sensitive to the fact that they might not like you, and do say it's OK if you feel they would rather go home. You can tell when things are going well, but most people's politeness with strangers means that you may not realise when they are going badly. Try to put your ego away in a box. People reject potential partners for all kinds of reasons. For example, one man ran away from a really lovely woman because she reminded him too much of an ex-lover who had died. Another man fled because the woman was too sexually forward and it didn't suit him.

If you feel the person only wants to get inside your knickers and you don't fancy them at all, be careful not to be alone with them and make your excuses, thank them very much and get away as fast as you can.

Remember that unwelcome sexual advances. even when barely expressed are death to any relationship developing. If you are feeling uncontrollably horny when you set out for the date, have a good wank beforehand and don't let your eyes wander lower than theirs. However rampant you feel, never assume you will get sex. Whatever their gender, nobody wants to feel they are being sexually used.

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I would love to go to an Outsiders Lunch but there are none nearby - should I start one locally?

Why not? What a good idea! Local lunches can be much more relaxed and friendly than the big London one. Putting on a lunch is not really a lot of work but be prepared for failure. Sometimes there just aren't the right kind of people coming to make it enjoyable enough for the group to continue. This is not your fault, just bad luck. The office will give you all the publicity you need, either in INSIDE, by mailing local members or by putting up some of our posters with the info about the event on them, dotted around town. Here are twenty tips on running a lunch successfully:

1. Try to appoint another local member to help you. This is in case you happen to fall ill on the day. Also there may be people at the lunch that you don't feel very friendly towards for one reason or another, and it's great to be able to say to the other person, 'please can you welcome this member for me?'
2. Choose a wheelchair accessible, disability friendly bar or restaurant which isn't too busy on the Saturday afternoon or whenever you decide to hold the event. Make sure the food and drink prices are not too high. Don't hire a hall or use a place which charges a fee - everyone will pay for their own food and drink. Your only expense will be phone calls to other members and maybe the venue.
3. Lunchtime is best because many people don't like going out after dark. Choose a venue which women, shy people and people with hearing impairment will feel comfortable in (i.e. not a sports bar or rock dive). There must be parking nearby and the venue needs to be close to public transport.
4. Arrive early and re-arrange the tables and chairs so that wheelchairs can be moved around easily and ensure there are chair-free spaces at the tables where wheelchair users can park.
5. Keep a look-out for people arriving. Some people feel very nervous about entering a room full of strangers and may need a quiet word out in the street, to encourage them inside. Other people may need help in physically getting through the door. People with visual impairments may need help getting seated.
6. Everyone needs to be introduced. Don't worry if you can't remember their names - nobody expects you to be a Kilroy. Laugh as you forget and ask to be reminded. Bear in mind that some people with speech problems may have great difficulty in saying their own name and may feel embarrassed by this in front of strangers. Remember that visually impaired people need to be kept up to date about new arrivals and imminent departures.
7. A good way to start chatting to new people is to ask them how they heard about Outsiders. One of our most important roles is helping members' develop confidence about their sexuality, and this can be done in subtle ways: 'that's a sexy scarf you are wearing' Never assume anything about them - don't assume they are virgins, heterosexual or wanting to get married. Just ask what kind of partner or partners they're seeking, as this will help you introduce them to the right people. If there is just a gay man or woman in the gathering, commiserate and offer to contact the office to try to find some other contacts for them. Keep all this simple, short and sweet and then move on.
8. Never get into deep conversation, unless someone requests a quiet word with you. Keep mingling and introducing people to each other. You haven't got time to speak to someone for long, as you need to keep one eye on the doorway for newcomers and the other to make sure nobody is being left out or ignored.
9. If somebody requests personal advice, ask them to wait until you have a space and then take them to a corner and give them ten minutes or so of your undivided attention. Don't let anybody else join in, as this is private. Answer all questions honestly even if this feels embarrassing. For example, if they smell, tell them. If they socialise clumsily, tell them why. Try to persuade them to seek more professional advice if need be, from their GP, a counsellor or other expert.
10. Don't buy rounds or pay for people's food. Accept drinks from others, though- after all, you have done all the organising and you deserve a drink. However, don't get drunk.
11. Don't use the lunch to promote your own products, philosophies, politics or religion. Don't take advantage of people. Your role as organiser is to look after people not become some super-hero.
12. Never exclude anyone for being 'too disabled' or 'too odd looking'. If you have a gut feeling that someone is unsavoury because they might be exploitative, keep a close watch on them and ask your assistant to do likewise. If you need to ask them to leave, please inform the office about this. On the other hand, if a member is being discriminated against because of their physical or social impairment, ask others to talk to them and introduce them around. Ask other guests to help if someone needs feeding or escorting to the toilet.
13. By all means cover your costs with a raffle, the prizes having been brought along by the members. Ask someone who isn't too shy to sell the tickets as this is a good way for them to get round and meet everyone, with a ready-made excuse to speak to them.
14. Try to take a photo of the event and do a write-up for INSIDE. The office should also receive a confidential list of all the people who came along, and how they got on, with notes on their needs and what they have to offer.
15. If anyone gets drunk, try to persuade them it's time to go home. If anyone is swamping, crowding or generally invading the space of another member, ask them to come and have a word with you. Explain about body language, allowing people space, keep watching them in case they do it again, and don't be afraid to throw them out. We want to keep the nice people coming back so, if anyone is obnoxious, they should be asked to leave.
16. When the event is over, thank the venue for their service and, if appropriate, have a whip-round to tip the waiter/barperson.
17. Don't hold your events too often. If they become regular, try not the clash with our other regular lunches. The London lunch is always on the 2^nd Saturday of the month. You'll be surprised how far some people will travel to come to a lunch.
18. Once the lunch is a regular event, you need to inform the venue and remember call them up a couple of days in advance to remind them. It's best to have an alternative venue up your sleeve because managers and owners can change overnight, and you could easily find your nice quiet cosy bar has been transformed into a big screen sportsbar or strip pub. If you need to switch at the last minute, do a call-around and leave a note on the door of the original venue, with directions to the new one.
19. You can agree to give people lifts away from the event if you have a car but avoid picking them up, as their train might be delayed or they might mess you about and make you late.
20. If you want to start a local group, we do have a book called 'Starting a Local Outsiders Group'. You might have very different ideas to these. Members have, in the past, successfully organised all kinds of things from a trip to Amsterdam to theatre outings, a gay weekend and house parties. Whatever your idea, it's best to run it past us to get some guidance and please don't spend any money.

Good luck!

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I don't have time after work or work unsociable hours

Increasingly, disabled people find that their jobs and commuting take up so much of their time and energy that they have none left for socialising. If you want to find a partner, you must make time. There is no point in life without fun. Skive off or go sick once in a while, then take a drive to the beach with a new friend. This is an order!

Instead of going home from the office to your solitary meal in front of the telly, go to a restaurant or snackbar with a friend. Let your friends know that there's one night of the week when you're available to go out or receive visitors.

Maximise your time by going to events where you meet lots of people, like the Outsiders lunches. If you can't stay long, tell the organisers and they'll make sure you're introduced to everyone before you have to leave.

Find people in the Club list who want to be phoned at unsociable hours. Many of our members have problems with insomnia - people with chronic pain, or depressives who wake up in the early hours and can't get back to sleep. Night time can be lonely if you're lying awake with only your thoughts for company, and night owls can cheer each other up on the phone.

Plan a holiday or adventure which will involve meeting lots of single people.

Advertise in the lonely hearts column of the local paper for people who can fit in with your times. Many others share your dilemma, and you may be inundated with night shift workers eager to meet you.

If all else fails and you're desperate to have fun and find a partner, give up your job and look for another with fewer hours. This may seem drastic, but no one on their deathbed has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd spent more time at the office.

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Nobody ever answers my letters

In love there are two things: bodies and words. -- Joyce Carol Oates

Even if your letters are friendly and legible, please be prepared for the fact that lots of people won't reply. It's a fact of life, so don't take offence. Outsiders has tried all kinds of schemes to encourage members to answer letters, to no avail.

Try to understand. Just as you wouldn't want a relationship with everyone you meet in the street, you don't want to reply to letters from most strangers. It's often difficult to imagine that the letter has actually come from a person, when it's sitting in front of you. It just feels like a chore: something you've got to reply to. People with immaculate manners reply to all post, and the rest can't quite muster up the energy.

If you're really keen on starting a friendship or relationship with someone who didn't reply to your first letter, there is no harm in sending a brief friendly reminder after a few weeks. Otherwise it's better to forget it and not waste time and energy on someone who isn't interested.

However eager you are for replies, try not to let the arrival of the postman turn into the big event of the day. Make sure each day is filled with other important things to do and think about.

Here are some tips on letter-writing for the inexperienced:

• First impressions are as important in letters as they are in the flesh, and those extra few pence, plus a bit of effort in presentation, may tip the balance in coaxing a reply from a potential life partner. Use nice paper and envelopes.
• Don't send a standard photocopied letter with the person's name written in at the top - if you're thinking of writing to several people, it's better to select the most promising two or three first and write individual letters aimed at them personally. Repeat the same information about yourself in each, but you're unlikely to get a reply if the person you're addressing feels that they're just another name on your list of 'possibles'.
• As long as it's readable, it doesn't matter if your letter's typed or handwritten. Handwriting can tell them more about your personality, but in some cases it may simply tell them that you are in desperate need of a typewriter! If your spelling's not too good, use a dictionary to look up words you're not sure about; if your spelling's terrible, mention this in a jokey way at the start of your letter, and don't worry - Shakespeare couldn't spell either!

Here are some more tips from one of our members who mastered his problems with embarking on a personal letter to a stranger:

• When you're ready to start your letter, take a piece of paper and jot down the things you want to mention. If you're writing to someone for the first time, your list may look like this:
  1. Why I chose this person: find something nice to say about them from what you have read in the list.
  2. Hobbies & interests - reading, watching football, model-making, swimming, listening to music.
  3. The house/flat I live in, family, pets.
  4. My job/the voluntary work I do/how I spend the day (if not covered by hobbies).
  5. My taste in music/the TV programmes I like/the books, magazines or newspapers I read.
  6. My appearance/how I like to dress, mentioning any disability.
  7. Why I joined Outsiders/what I hope for from this correspondence.
• When you're happy with this list, draw a line under it and use it to write a rough draft of your letter, ticking off the subjects as you finish writing about them. You can take them in any order you like, but start a new paragraph for each one.
• When you've finished, read the letter through and make any corrections you feel are necessary. Then write the final version: this doesn't have to be a word-for-word copy of the first draft, but stick as closely to it as possible and put any new subjects that occur to you at the end.
• How much you write depends on the sort of relationship you're hoping to form, and if you hit it off with your new penfriend you'll soon naturally fall into a length that suits both of you. If you're writing to someone for the first time, a couple of pages is quite enough. Your aim should be to give a general picture of yourself, without going into detail that your correspondent may not find interesting until he/she has got to know you. By all means mention your dog's name and the prize he won at Crufts, but leave out the 10-page description of his eating habits until you can be sure of a fascinated audience.
• Your first letter to someone is different from those that will follow in that it's all about you, and this can be tricky if you're not used to describing yourself to others. Be honest and portray yourself in as positive a light as possible, without boasting. Tell them about a gold medal you won, or 'my best friend says I've got a cute face'. Try not to use cliche descriptions such as 'clean', GSOH etc. Be careful not to exaggerate - telling fibs to make yourself sound more interesting is never a good idea (you need a good memory, for a start), and things get complicated when you have to cover up one lie with another. If you're unemployed and enjoy writing, you're quite entitled to describe yourself as a writer, but telling your penpal that you're a novelist when you've never had anything published is storing up trouble for the future.
• If you have a health problem or disability, best mention it in your first letter without going into details. If you're relaxed about your disability, a bit of gentle humour when describing it will put the other person at ease and show that it isn't a taboo subject, but don't make yourself a butt of jokes as a way of getting someone on your side.
• Don't assume that you'll get a sympathetic hearing from someone simply because they have a similar disability - they may have joined the Club precisely in order to widen their social circle beyond people with the same impairment. It can be very off-putting to receive a long catalogue of woes from a stranger in their letter seeking friendship and love.

  So, unless the person you're writing to has offered to listen to your problems and give advice, don't dwell on the bad luck you've suffered and the general grievances you have against the world. Only mention a problem if you can go on to explain how you're facing it. If you have little contact with other people, share your tastes in books or music, or the things you see on your solitary walks.

• Humour plays a vital role in cementing friendships, but don't overdo it - a few witty remarks and the odd amusing anecdote are fine, Don't try to put on an act - if you're a naturally serious person or are going through a depressed period, just concentrate on getting your personality across in as lively a way as possible.
• Whatever your temperament, the most important thing is that your letter should reflect the sort of person you are. After you've finished the first draft, read it through to see if you can hear your 'voice' in what you've written - does it sound like you, or are you trying so hard to sound 'normal' or 'nice' that your true personality is lost? Is it too formal or too jokey? Imagine receiving such a letter from a stranger out of the blue - what image would you have of the writer?
• If there's an area of your life that you feel the recipient may not understand, but the best approach is to introduce the subject gradually.
• If you're considered a bit eccentric and are afraid of seeming 'weird', remember that being different makes you more interesting than people who spend their lives trying to merge into the crowd, and that if you try too hard to sound 'normal' you'll just end up sounding dull. If you really were the 1992 All-England Underwater Goat-Wrestling Champion, your penpal will certainly find this more interesting than the fact that you now spend your evenings slumped in front of the telly.
• While you should allow your new friend to tell you about themselves in their own time, it shows that you're interested if you ask the occasional friendly, non-intrusive question. Judging what sort of things are polite to ask about isn't always easy, so at first it's wise to stick with safe subjects like musical tastes and steer clear of obviously personal areas. Unless the other person has raised the subject themselves, it's not very tactful to ask a divorcee about her previous relationships or a person with paraplegia about his toilet arrangements, and most women will feel uncomfortable at being questioned about their sexual habits by a man they barely know.
• Encourage the other person to ask questions about you. Assure them that you'll treat all their letters as confidential and will never show them to anyone else. Exchanging personal information with someone you're just getting to know has to involve a lot of mutual trust, and you must treat others as you'd want to be treated yourself.
• It may take some time to develop a style of language that you feel comfortable with. In general, try to write as you speak, leaving out the 'ers', 'ums' and 'you knows.' If you swear like a sailor, leave out the swear words too. Strong language is OK once you've formed an understanding with someone, but until then it's unlikely to do your image much good, especially if you're a man writing to a woman.
• It's just as important to avoid the other extreme - trying to sound posh or brainy by using five long words where one short one will do. Unless you're engaged in a special type of correspondence (swapping poems or erotic fantasies, for instance), it's best just to say what you mean in polite everyday language - call a spade a spade, rather than an agricultural implement or an f-ing shovel.
• Starting and ending the first letter needs careful thought so you deliver the right tone, friendly but not intrusive. You need a little introductory paragraph to explain why you're writing. For example:

  Dear Jane,
  I'm a new member of Outsiders, and I was looking through the membership list list last night when your entry caught my eye. It struck me that we seem to have quite a bit in common, and I was inspired to put pen to paper in the hope that we might become friends (excuse my 'creative' spelling, by the way). Like you, I'm going through a rather lonely period at the moment, and it would be nice if we could cheer each up through the post. Let me tell you a bit about myself. I'm 22 and live with my parents....

  End with another short paragraph, like:

  Well, that's enough from me. I hope all this waffle hasn't put you off your breakfast, and that you may feel inspired to reply if you'd like to share a few ideas. I hope too that this reaches you in good health and spirits, and look forward to hearing from you soon.

  After this, you can simply sign your name. 'Yours Sincerely' is a bit formal for a personal letter and 'Love' is too chummy unless you're very expressive by nature. More exotic options like 'Adios' and 'Cheerio' Yo! or 'Ciao' are fine, but don't offer to remain someone's devoted servant unless you're a Sub in search of a Dom. Perhaps the safest choice is 'Best Wishes', which is friendly without being intrusive.
• If you're dyslexic or don't feel that you express yourself well in writing, explain this in your letter. If you need to have someone else write the letter for you, try to get them to type it otherwise the recipient will be picking up signals from your helper's handwriting. If you are writing to someone who is blind or blind/deaf, keep the letter short and impersonal as it will be read out to them by a third party. Ask them to reply in any format you will be able to 'read'. In other words, by email if you are logged on, by tape if you have a tape player etc.
• Only enclose a photo of yourself if you don't need it to be returned and it's flattering. Don't enclose a stamped addressed envelope - if people find you interesting, they'll reply anyway. If they don't, they'll just steam off the stamp and use it for something else. Make sure that your name and address are clearly written at the top of page one, and use a 1st class stamp to show that you're keen.

If despite all your efforts you still never get many replies, send us a copy of one of your typical letters and we'll help you improve.

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Being visually impaired, I find meeting new people very difficult

It can be cold and lonely for most of us, waiting beneath the clock with a red carnation in your button-hole, wondering which person will be the one you planned to meet, but even more threatening when you cannot see anyone. Perhaps they took one look and ran. Perhaps the person speaking to you is a random stranger. Try not to make such arrangements. Bring an old friend with you and arrange to meet your new friend in a safe cafe or bar.

Picking someone up in a club is difficult without eye contact, with music swamping conversation, and people dancing without touching, so you don't know where they are or what moves they are making. Try to go clubbing with a group of friends who can sort things out for you.

Lack of eye contact also makes it very difficult to flirt, as this is mostly done with the eyes. If someone you like the sound of comes and sits beside you, snuggle your arm inside theirs and try to use fingers and hugging instead of vision, to get close. Don't be afraid to ask people what they are wearing and what they look like, to get a mental picture.

Get friends to teach you about posture, and have fun getting posed in a way which makes you look most receptive. People with visual impairment sometimes need to be warned against rocking back and forwards, smiling into thin air, and there was one blind member who claimed that he didn't know what a smile was as he had never seen one!

When you are engaged in conversation with someone, direct your attention to them, keeping your head up and eyes directed at theirs. Some people like to hold hands, which makes a connection between you, compensating for the fact that you cannot look into each other's eyes. This is a great advantage when you are chatting someone up, but don't assume that the hand-holding means they fancy you, unless they touch you passionately.

Learning massage is an excellent way of becoming a master of touch, and gives you an enormous advantage when you are trying to form a physical relationship. Learning to sing is another powerful tool, as people feel romantic and sexy when they are serenaded by a beautiful voice.

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I can't phone anyone because I wouldn't know what to say

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. Harry Truman

Write down a list of things you could talk about, and leave it by the phone in case you get stuck. Choose things you're keen on so that you sound enthusiastic.

If you find talking on the phone difficult, say so when you ring someone - the other person may share your problem, and your conversation will be off to a good-humoured start. He/she will also be flattered that you're interested enough in them to make contact despite your phone phobia.

Here's a fictitious phone conversation when a lady called Caroline phones a very uncommunicative man called Geoff. Caroline takes an interest in him despite his monosyllabic replies and she isn't pushy. She gives him encouragement but leaves it up to him to make a date.

Caroline: Hello, is that Geoff?