Skip to Menu Skip to Content Skip to Footer
Black & White Version |  Larger Text |  Smaller Text |  Sitemap

Making Connections

Lonely Hearts Song - by Matthew Harvey

Former coal-miner, needs to make a fresh start
Wants a slow-burning woman with a solid-fuel heart
Off-season naturist with over-all tan.

Requires positive, outgoing, weatherproof man
Chubby-cheeked cherub with a cheeky-chap smile
Seeks a soft-centred seraph to lead down the aisle
Down-hearted of Suffolk seeks Norfolk broad
Lady with life-raft sought by man overboard.

Chorus:

And the lonely hearts clutch their lonely parts
They know you can't make honey without gathering pollen
They're practising in private to perfect their lonely arts
Run their fingers up and down the lonely hearts column.

Saucy seductress, can ring her own bell
Seeks soft-touch celebrity to kiss and tell
Brass-necked from Barnsley, can blow his own trumpet
Wants traditional, old-fashioned, hot-buttered crumpet
Distressed damsel with Rapunzel locks
Seeks bright white knight with own suggestion box
Freshwater fisherman wants worm on hook
Man-hungry midget seeks short-order cook.

Chorus:

Hardware store owner with colourful past
Wants to give his love freely (while stocks last)
Threadbare widow, without a stitch underneath
Seeks gentleman, fifties, must have his own teeth
Speakeasy waitress with ball-bearing hips
Seeks a deaf and dumb waiter to read her lips.

Back to Top

I meet lots of people but can't start a relationship

There could be many reasons why this is happening, but it's usually one of these:

Back to Top

I have spent all my money on dating agency fees

Most agencies are terribly expensive, uncaring and not oriented towards disabled and unusual people. They want to be known for having rich and beautiful people on their books, but the people they really want are 'ordinary' men and women who are easy to match. So please just put it all behind you. Appreciate Outsiders which is cheap, likes challenges and offers infinite possibilities.

It would be useful for us to have lists of the agencies, their fees and the details of how you were treated so that we can warn other members.

If you feel dissatisfied, it is worth writing to the agency to voice your opinion. How are they going to learn if nobody tells them? You never know, they may send you your money back, after all, most of them are making enough!

Back to Top

Are you a 'professional single'?

Many single people spend all their time, money and energy looking for Mr or Miss Right. The image they project of themselves is someone lacking a central identity. While you are focusing your attention on finding a partner, you won't appear interesting to other people.

Seek your 'other half' through shared interests - you'll have something in common to talk about right away. You'll hardly notice the embarrassment of the first date because you'll be so involved. It's much, much easier to get cosy during the rumba or a game of Bridge than on a tense blind date in a pub each with a red carnation in your lapels.

People who give the impression of being always on the lookout for a partner usually produce the opposite effect and frighten people off - others suspect that they're desperate for company because their own personalities are too shallow to keep them amused for long. The key is not to seek a partner but to attract one, and this happens effortlessly when you radiate enthusiasm about the things that interest you.

Back to Top

My MS interferes with memory and this makes me nervous

Analyse what your problem is: attention, recall, organisation or planning. Think about things more, perhaps using a memory system such as those described in Use Your Memory by Tony Buzan. These may be visual or using special keys, like rhymes, rules, phrases, symbols. Write things down whenever possible, so you don't get nervous. Keep organised. Be honest about your limitations by telling potential partners, with as much humour as you can.

The more you dread failure the more likely it is to happen, so be determined to enjoy life come what may, and you will find lots of nice things to remember and remind you.

Back to Top

I keep seeking help but nobody will help me

Surely the best way to find what you want in life is to go for it rather than seeking help in the hope that someone else will provide it.

After a while, people find it's a waste of time helping someone who will not take advice or act for themselves. If you really have a grievance, take it to the top of the professional body in charge and demand your rights. Otherwise, just get on with life.

Try the website www.askdrvictoria.com which is run by a very wise lady called Dr Victoria Lee. Perhaps she'll come up with some new ideas?

Back to Top

Are you boring?

A bore is someone who talks when you want them to listen. Ambrose Bierce

How to tell if you're boring? People stop listening, stop ringing you, walk away or don't look at you when you're talking to them.

What bores people? Do you repeat yourself? Drone on? Moan all the time? Is your voice monotonous? Do you talk at them rather than to them?

What to do about it:

Speak to people regularly It's usually the people who haven't spoken to anyone for a while who spew verbal diarrhoea for hours on end. Don't do this to someone if you're trying to seduce them!

Back to Top

I don't meet enough people

Most people meet their friends and partners through work. If that's not happening for you, you could seriously consider switching jobs to one where you work with a nice crowd. If you don't have a job, try some voluntary work. Singles clubs and dating agencies provide an artificial environment in which to meet people, and the people you meet through them may seem dull and insecure. However, they may be the answer if you live in an isolated spot or work unsociable hours. Here are some ideas:

Back to Top

How do I meet potential partners via the Internet?

The Internet has provided wonderful opportunities for people who have social or physical disabilities. Here is some expertise gathered by Outsiders members. You'll find it's not all plain sailing, but we have highlighted some of the pitfalls. Make the most of what's out there in cyberspace, but don't rely on it, don't retreat away from socialising in the real world.

A webcam can be installed on your computer so you can communicate visually as well as in writing. If you have a microphone and speakers on your computer, you can chat verbally through interactive websites for free. People with disabilities can, just for a change, select only the parts of their bodies they wish to display and enjoy being 'seen' without your impairment. Beware that other people are playing the same game and some cute female faces may not be displaying the Adam's Apple or hairy hands.

Many sex workers operate this way, and you might be lured into some commercial transaction, so keep your credit card away from the keyboard, unless, of course, this is your bag.

We know quite a few disabled people who've had cyberfriends, with varying results. One female who only corresponded with people from special interest groups managed to find several friends who became real lovers.

A guy who had lively and sexy communications with several women over the years confessed that none of them would agree to meet him once they learned about his disability. Perhaps the best advice, therefore, is to concentrate your energies on finding someone suitable rather than flirting with the people you find straight away. You can of course enjoy both, so long as you keep your feet on the ground and don't raise your hopes in the wrong direction. Chatting to people on the Net is a good way of learning about yourself, what turns you on, and exploring the erotic world in the safety of your own home.

There are excellent dating sites, and match.com has 50,000 British subscribers, of whom 5,000 are active on the Net at any one time. This provides a lot of choice. Other sites are less easy to sign up to. You can put personal ads up, but response to males is poor. Posting personal ads brings little success. Chat rooms offer an easy way to get to know people quickly and are great for flirting, but poor for dating. Don't register your details unless you really want to.

Wherever you start, you'll hopefully find someone you get along with and start e-mailing each other. Many women feel safe e-mailing saucy flirtations and if you keep her interested without shocking her, she may agree to meet you in person. If your e-pal doesn't show up, it's probably because they are actually nothing like the image they projected. A 'girl' could, of course, be a gay man.

It's really important not to give your address or plan to meet at your place: choose somewhere neutral like a café. This may seem a bother when it's difficult for you to get out, but it's worth the effort. Let at least one other person know the time and location of your arranged date. Tell them you'll call to let them know how's it's going, and that they should come and rescue you if they don't hear. See Meeting Up for the First Time in the next section.

Beware that lots of people don't really want to meet up but prefer to hide behind their computer persona and never face reality. People even say newspaper ads are better for finding partners because Cyberspace is for escapism.

Some sites worth checking out:

Online chats

These enable you to communicate with others in real time, and you need special software unless you just use a site on the Web which provides no privacy.

Real-Time using extra software such as www.aol.co.uk/aimAOL's Instant Messenger, MSN Messennger and ICQ allow special groups leading to one-to-one encounters.

Newsgroups

Newsgroups allow you to post messages and read postings. They are good for specialinterest contacts.

Back to Top

Meeting up for the first time

Never plan to meet strangers in the street where it will be cold and uncomfortable waiting to see if they're going to show up. Choose somewhere pleasant and relaxing where there are plenty of other people around. It's not a good idea to invite someone you've never met into your home. Always meet in a public place until you are totally sure of them.

If you plan to meet in a pub, choose a safe one and get there a little early or on time. It's not fair to keep someone waiting on their own. It's obviously best to meet in a place you know (especially if you can get the staff to treat you as a VIP in front of your date!) If you've opted for a posh or lively place that you haven't been to before, make a reconnaissance visit before the date at the arranged time, so that you know what to expect - there's not much point in meeting up in the happening place in town if it turns out that Friday at Swanky's is so loud you can't talk. Wherever you meet, make sure that your date will be able to recognise you from your description (a woman won't want to hang around giving strange men glances that could be misinterpreted), and greet the new person with a smile and, if you feel it appropriate, a gentle but firm handshake.

If the man, for example, has done all the asking and arranging, the woman should realise it's nerve-wracking creating a date and if you are not happy with the arrangement, try to reach a compromise, suggest somewhere else, and help him out.

If you agree to let the stranger visit you for convenience sake, always ensure that your visitor knows that you've given their details and time of visit to a friend (you might say, 'My friends X and Y were coming round this afternoon, but when they heard I was meeting you they agreed to turn up later.') Better still, have someone with you when your visitor arrives. If they're genuine, they won't mind.

If your friend can't be with you, get them to phone half an hour into your meeting and devise a system whereby they can check that you're comfortable. You need to be able to answer 'yes' or 'no' so that your visitor doesn't realise that safety checks are being made. Have an easily remembered 'alert - come and rescuee me' phrase.

If your initial communications with your visitor by letter and phone have been thorough, an 'alert' should never be needed. Most people are genuine and don't wish to cause unease or offence.

If you need a PA with you all the time or feel unsafe without a friend, keep them at a distance and have a system for signalling 'Take me home', 'Stay put for a while' or 'We are fine, thank you and good night'. If you're nervous about your new contact, better trust your gut feelings and make a retreat. If you are nervous about being left with a stranger, persevere, remembering that all social life involves some risk.

Don't plan anything expensive in case you're not suited - this isn't a date but an initial meeting to see how you get along, and see if there is any 'chemistry'. Aim at something that you'll both enjoy - hopefully you'll have taken the trouble to find out what you both like doing. Devote your energy to putting the other person at ease, and don't expect to hit it off right away. Definitely don't expect instant lust from this nervous stranger. Be sensitive to the fact that they might not like you, and do say it's OK if you feel they would rather go home. You can tell when things are going well, but most people's politeness with strangers means that you may not realise when they are going badly. Try to put your ego away in a box. People reject potential partners for all kinds of reasons. For example, one man ran away from a really lovely woman because she reminded him too much of an ex-lover who had died. Another man fled because the woman was too sexually forward and it didn't suit him.

If you feel the person only wants to get inside your knickers and you don't fancy them at all, be careful not to be alone with them and make your excuses, thank them very much and get away as fast as you can.

Remember that unwelcome sexual advances. even when barely expressed are death to any relationship developing. If you are feeling uncontrollably horny when you set out for the date, have a good wank beforehand and don't let your eyes wander lower than theirs. However rampant you feel, never assume you will get sex. Whatever their gender, nobody wants to feel they are being sexually used.

Back to Top

I would love to go to an Outsiders Lunch but there are none nearby - should I start one locally?

Why not? What a good idea! Local lunches can be much more relaxed and friendly than the big London one. Putting on a lunch is not really a lot of work but be prepared for failure. Sometimes there just aren't the right kind of people coming to make it enjoyable enough for the group to continue. This is not your fault, just bad luck. The office will give you all the publicity you need, either in INSIDE, by mailing local members or by putting up some of our posters with the info about the event on them, dotted around town. Here are twenty tips on running a lunch successfully:

  1. Try to appoint another local member to help you. This is in case you happen to fall ill on the day. Also there may be people at the lunch that you don't feel very friendly towards for one reason or another, and it's great to be able to say to the other person, 'please can you welcome this member for me?'
  2. Choose a wheelchair accessible, disability friendly bar or restaurant which isn't too busy on the Saturday afternoon or whenever you decide to hold the event. Make sure the food and drink prices are not too high. Don't hire a hall or use a place which charges a fee - everyone will pay for their own food and drink. Your only expense will be phone calls to other members and maybe the venue.
  3. Lunchtime is best because many people don't like going out after dark. Choose a venue which women, shy people and people with hearing impairment will feel comfortable in (i.e. not a sports bar or rock dive). There must be parking nearby and the venue needs to be close to public transport.
  4. Arrive early and re-arrange the tables and chairs so that wheelchairs can be moved around easily and ensure there are chair-free spaces at the tables where wheelchair users can park.
  5. Keep a look-out for people arriving. Some people feel very nervous about entering a room full of strangers and may need a quiet word out in the street, to encourage them inside. Other people may need help in physically getting through the door. People with visual impairments may need help getting seated.
  6. Everyone needs to be introduced. Don't worry if you can't remember their names - nobody expects you to be a Kilroy. Laugh as you forget and ask to be reminded. Bear in mind that some people with speech problems may have great difficulty in saying their own name and may feel embarrassed by this in front of strangers. Remember that visually impaired people need to be kept up to date about new arrivals and imminent departures.
  7. A good way to start chatting to new people is to ask them how they heard about Outsiders. One of our most important roles is helping members' develop confidence about their sexuality, and this can be done in subtle ways: 'that's a sexy scarf you are wearing' Never assume anything about them - don't assume they are virgins, heterosexual or wanting to get married. Just ask what kind of partner or partners they're seeking, as this will help you introduce them to the right people. If there is just a gay man or woman in the gathering, commiserate and offer to contact the office to try to find some other contacts for them. Keep all this simple, short and sweet and then move on.
  8. Never get into deep conversation, unless someone requests a quiet word with you. Keep mingling and introducing people to each other. You haven't got time to speak to someone for long, as you need to keep one eye on the doorway for newcomers and the other to make sure nobody is being left out or ignored.
  9. If somebody requests personal advice, ask them to wait until you have a space and then take them to a corner and give them ten minutes or so of your undivided attention. Don't let anybody else join in, as this is private. Answer all questions honestly even if this feels embarrassing. For example, if they smell, tell them. If they socialise clumsily, tell them why. Try to persuade them to seek more professional advice if need be, from their GP, a counsellor or other expert.
  10. Don't buy rounds or pay for people's food. Accept drinks from others, though- after all, you have done all the organising and you deserve a drink. However, don't get drunk.
  11. Don't use the lunch to promote your own products, philosophies, politics or religion. Don't take advantage of people. Your role as organiser is to look after people not become some super-hero.
  12. Never exclude anyone for being 'too disabled' or 'too odd looking'. If you have a gut feeling that someone is unsavoury because they might be exploitative, keep a close watch on them and ask your assistant to do likewise. If you need to ask them to leave, please inform the office about this. On the other hand, if a member is being discriminated against because of their physical or social impairment, ask others to talk to them and introduce them around. Ask other guests to help if someone needs feeding or escorting to the toilet.
  13. By all means cover your costs with a raffle, the prizes having been brought along by the members. Ask someone who isn't too shy to sell the tickets as this is a good way for them to get round and meet everyone, with a ready-made excuse to speak to them.
  14. Try to take a photo of the event and do a write-up for INSIDE. The office should also receive a confidential list of all the people who came along, and how they got on, with notes on their needs and what they have to offer.
  15. If anyone gets drunk, try to persuade them it's time to go home. If anyone is swamping, crowding or generally invading the space of another member, ask them to come and have a word with you. Explain about body language, allowing people space, keep watching them in case they do it again, and don't be afraid to throw them out. We want to keep the nice people coming back so, if anyone is obnoxious, they should be asked to leave.
  16. When the event is over, thank the venue for their service and, if appropriate, have a whip-round to tip the waiter/barperson.
  17. Don't hold your events too often. If they become regular, try not the clash with our other regular lunches. The London lunch is always on the 2nd Saturday of the month. You'll be surprised how far some people will travel to come to a lunch.
  18. Once the lunch is a regular event, you need to inform the venue and remember call them up a couple of days in advance to remind them. It's best to have an alternative venue up your sleeve because managers and owners can change overnight, and you could easily find your nice quiet cosy bar has been transformed into a big screen sportsbar or strip pub. If you need to switch at the last minute, do a call-around and leave a note on the door of the original venue, with directions to the new one.
  19. You can agree to give people lifts away from the event if you have a car but avoid picking them up, as their train might be delayed or they might mess you about and make you late.
  20. If you want to start a local group, we do have a book called 'Starting a Local Outsiders Group'. You might have very different ideas to these. Members have, in the past, successfully organised all kinds of things from a trip to Amsterdam to theatre outings, a gay weekend and house parties. Whatever your idea, it's best to run it past us to get some guidance and please don't spend any money.
Good luck!

Back to Top

I don't have time after work or work unsociable hours

Increasingly, disabled people find that their jobs and commuting take up so much of their time and energy that they have none left for socialising. If you want to find a partner, you must make time. There is no point in life without fun. Skive off or go sick once in a while, then take a drive to the beach with a new friend. This is an order!

Instead of going home from the office to your solitary meal in front of the telly, go to a restaurant or snackbar with a friend. Let your friends know that there's one night of the week when you're available to go out or receive visitors.

Maximise your time by going to events where you meet lots of people, like the Outsiders lunches. If you can't stay long, tell the organisers and they'll make sure you're introduced to everyone before you have to leave.

Find people in the Club list who want to be phoned at unsociable hours. Many of our members have problems with insomnia - people with chronic pain, or depressives who wake up in the early hours and can't get back to sleep. Night time can be lonely if you're lying awake with only your thoughts for company, and night owls can cheer each other up on the phone.

Plan a holiday or adventure which will involve meeting lots of single people.

Advertise in the lonely hearts column of the local paper for people who can fit in with your times. Many others share your dilemma, and you may be inundated with night shift workers eager to meet you.

If all else fails and you're desperate to have fun and find a partner, give up your job and look for another with fewer hours. This may seem drastic, but no one on their deathbed has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd spent more time at the office.

Back to Top

Nobody ever answers my letters

In love there are two things: bodies and words. -- Joyce Carol Oates

Even if your letters are friendly and legible, please be prepared for the fact that lots of people won't reply. It's a fact of life, so don't take offence. Outsiders has tried all kinds of schemes to encourage members to answer letters, to no avail.

Try to understand. Just as you wouldn't want a relationship with everyone you meet in the street, you don't want to reply to letters from most strangers. It's often difficult to imagine that the letter has actually come from a person, when it's sitting in front of you. It just feels like a chore: something you've got to reply to. People with immaculate manners reply to all post, and the rest can't quite muster up the energy.

If you're really keen on starting a friendship or relationship with someone who didn't reply to your first letter, there is no harm in sending a brief friendly reminder after a few weeks. Otherwise it's better to forget it and not waste time and energy on someone who isn't interested.

However eager you are for replies, try not to let the arrival of the postman turn into the big event of the day. Make sure each day is filled with other important things to do and think about.

Here are some tips on letter-writing for the inexperienced:

Here are some more tips from one of our members who mastered his problems with embarking on a personal letter to a stranger:

If despite all your efforts you still never get many replies, send us a copy of one of your typical letters and we'll help you improve.

Back to Top

Being visually impaired, I find meeting new people very difficult

It can be cold and lonely for most of us, waiting beneath the clock with a red carnation in your button-hole, wondering which person will be the one you planned to meet, but even more threatening when you cannot see anyone. Perhaps they took one look and ran. Perhaps the person speaking to you is a random stranger. Try not to make such arrangements. Bring an old friend with you and arrange to meet your new friend in a safe cafe or bar.

Picking someone up in a club is difficult without eye contact, with music swamping conversation, and people dancing without touching, so you don't know where they are or what moves they are making. Try to go clubbing with a group of friends who can sort things out for you.

Lack of eye contact also makes it very difficult to flirt, as this is mostly done with the eyes. If someone you like the sound of comes and sits beside you, snuggle your arm inside theirs and try to use fingers and hugging instead of vision, to get close. Don't be afraid to ask people what they are wearing and what they look like, to get a mental picture.

Get friends to teach you about posture, and have fun getting posed in a way which makes you look most receptive. People with visual impairment sometimes need to be warned against rocking back and forwards, smiling into thin air, and there was one blind member who claimed that he didn't know what a smile was as he had never seen one!

When you are engaged in conversation with someone, direct your attention to them, keeping your head up and eyes directed at theirs. Some people like to hold hands, which makes a connection between you, compensating for the fact that you cannot look into each other's eyes. This is a great advantage when you are chatting someone up, but don't assume that the hand-holding means they fancy you, unless they touch you passionately.

Learning massage is an excellent way of becoming a master of touch, and gives you an enormous advantage when you are trying to form a physical relationship. Learning to sing is another powerful tool, as people feel romantic and sexy when they are serenaded by a beautiful voice.

Back to Top

I can't phone anyone because I wouldn't know what to say

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. Harry Truman

Write down a list of things you could talk about, and leave it by the phone in case you get stuck. Choose things you're keen on so that you sound enthusiastic.

If you find talking on the phone difficult, say so when you ring someone - the other person may share your problem, and your conversation will be off to a good-humoured start. He/she will also be flattered that you're interested enough in them to make contact despite your phone phobia.

Here's a fictitious phone conversation when a lady called Caroline phones a very uncommunicative man called Geoff. Caroline takes an interest in him despite his monosyllabic replies and she isn't pushy. She gives him encouragement but leaves it up to him to make a date.


Caroline: Hello, is that Geoff?