Love is the poetry of the senses. -- Honore de Balzac
The secret of getting the ball rolling, for everybody, lies in a genuine smile and positive eye contact. You need to look (and be) happy, and look interested without ogling or staring. Once you have engaged his/her attention, you need to enter conversation and then be bold enough to suggest that you do something together. This may be a date or it may be something less scary like you offering a favour, perhaps taking the person somewhere they have always wanted to visit.
Being in a wheelchair can be a problem if everyone else is standing up and your head is at the level of their bottoms. If everyone is sitting down, this is easier because they will be approximately at your height. You may find it more difficult for you to reach them, but they can come to you.
Whether seated or not, the ideal is to create a space for them beside you. This could be the simple act of placing your wheelchair beside an empty chair and patting the seat, inviting them with your eyes to come and sit down.
Extroverts find the whole process much easier than introverts but that doesn't mean to say they don't have butterflies in their stomachs when they find a gorgeous person they desire.
Being in a wheelchair can create a host of barriers - both physical and social, if you let it. Finding a partner can happen in all kinds of ways, most of them totally unexpected, but what we are talking about here is how to minimise your failure rate and make you feel more in command of the situation. That's exactly was meant by the phrase 'creating a space for them beside you'.
You may disagree with the notion of 'doing a favour to win their heart'. Perhaps you have done too many favours before and always ended up being the trusted reliable friend and never the lover? There does need to be a balance. Doing a favour makes you a good boy or girl, so balance it out by being bad (I'll leave the choice up to you) or by asking a favour back.
Generally speaking, people fear getting intimate with a disabled person, and your job is finding a way of seeing them through this fear.
First, let's analyse the fear so you can help them ride through it. The fear is usually a combination of embarrassment, discomfort and nervousness.
Having said this, if you feel inexperienced and unsure of yourself, trying to act like a suave seducer will come over falsely. It might even give them the impression that you're some slick operator or one-night stand merchant. Admit to being inexperienced - simply confessing that you've 'never done this before' will flatter the other person, make them feel special and they will like you for being honest.
Give them time to come around to the idea of going with a disabled person. Hopefully you will feel so nice to be with, as you are such a strong, amusing and interesting person, that they won't be able to resist you.
Here are some other guidelines:
If there's anything worse than feeling like a gooseberry, it's being a single person in the midst of nappy-talk. Insist they invite some other single people for you to meet when you visit, rather than just married cronies.
Make sure you have single friends when you are single. There will always be phases in your life when everyone else is married (peaking at 30-ish), but then you find a new single crowd. One of the best ways to meet other unattached people is through singles holidays, evening classes or sports clubs.
Perhaps you make so little impact on the people you meet that they have no choice but to dwell on other relationships. You need to be more assertive and grab people's attention when you're with them - there are many useful books you can read on the subject, some of which are in our library.
Don't let people use you as a convenient receptacle for their emotional problems. Many of our members claim that 'I'm shy, but I'm a good listener.' What they mean is that they're lazy conversationalists who've found an easy way out - letting the other person pour out all their woes unchallenged. This is a particularly disastrous strategy on a date, as you'll get nowhere unless you can interest the other person in you. By all means show concern for them as human beings, but don't be an eternal shoulder to cry on. If members of the opposite sex are always sharing their personal problems with you, it usually means that they don't feel threatened by your sexuality. You must decide for yourself whether you see this as a compliment.
Surely you didn't let this put you off? Didn't your partner explain that this happens all the time? You need to shrug it off or else spend time educating your friends and colleagues.
It's true that dating a disabled person means taking on their disability to some extent, without having the impairment. If you love the person enough, and stop worrying what others think and say, the relationship can be a success - in fact stronger, because you share the need to overcome society's prejudice.
Can you define what sort of people you like? What are their interests and outlook? Think of places where they go. Head off there, offer yourself as a volunteer or hang out.
Showing an obvious interest in other people's enthusiasm. It may be excruciatingly difficult to start a conversation with a stranger in a shop, but a friendly smile is a start - the other person may be there for exactly the same reason as you, and is only waiting for a sign of encouragement before asking you about that book on astrology or CD you're holding!
You may not meet many orchid enthusiasts even in your local garden centre, but they're out there somewhere! Put an ad in the local paper inviting kindred spirits to contact you. Join a fan club or newsgroup on the Internet - to meet others who appreciate the same cars/performers/science fiction writers/whatever, as yourself. Use a bit of 'networking' by telling other members of the club about your tastes - maybe they know of someone suitable.
'One evening Fred and Carol were sitting quietly in her father's living room when Carol decided to encourage him by switching off the light. Fred took the hint and went home.'
Your conception of the people around you might easily be utterly wrong. They could be closet ravers who assume you're not up for it either, and thus don't project a sexy image to you. You need to come across as sexual so they can relate to you on that level. You may also need to improve your reading of the signals. Becoming receptive to people is something everyone picks up with practice during normal adult socialising.
Make an effort to present yourself as a sexual being, so that suitable people you meet get the right impression. This is easier with new friends, as they won't prejudge you -- those you've known for years may find it hard to change their perception of you, and may even resent your sudden emergence as the neighbourhood sex bomb.
Maybe the people around you don't seem sexy because 'birds of a feather flock together' - you've chosen friends who are as safely inhibited as you are?
Being sexy requires style and subtlety. Making vulgar jokes and talking about sex all the time are a turn-off - sexiness is something you express through your appearance and manner of communicating with others, and often only comes with confidence and self respect. Sexiness and a sense of mystery go together, so try to suggest by your manner that you're a goldmine of erotic fascination, without even mentioning the subject. The way you stir your coffee can be as sensual as striptease if you put your soul into it!
You could try personal advertising, responding to adverts, joining a swing club from magazines such as Desire (free ads to Outsiders members from Moondance Publishing PO Box 282 London SW4 OQQ) or Forum magazine which is on the top shelf of most newsagents. You may need to be careful of two things. One is that professionals sneak ads in and you end up having to pay, so read between the lines and check there is no money involved before agreeing to meet. Secondly, swing clubs sometimes charge single men exorbitant fees.
One of the best swingers websites is www.swinging-scallywags.co.uk.
I'm never going to grow so old again. -- Van Morrison
Some of our members want you. Some ask for older people - have a look through our membership list! Never forget you are as old as you feel, so make the most of being single by being active, groovy and fun-loving.
Although some people of your own age may seem more interested in 18-year-old cuties, younger ones may find you more attractive - the experienced, seductive older person is as much of a fantasy figure as the younger model. Transform yourself into a warm, mature, wise person and you may be pleasantly surprised. Read our library book no. 285, Ourselves Growing Older - Women Ageing With Knowledge & Power.
Join clubs where you'll meet people who are on the look-out. Evening classes are the classic. Here's some ideas:
You can make it clear that you're not desperate to jump into bed with anyone, though it can be off-putting to be bluntly told 'no sex'. There are many sides to sex, and companionship is one of them. Being close and protected by someone, sharing meals, walks and social events - all this is part of the spectrum of intimacy which ranges between friendship and intercourse.
So be open to the pleasure that life may bring you: you may want to close the door on sex for the moment, but don't lock it and throw away the key. You never know what happiness may be round the corner, or in what unexpected guises it might come to you.
Take things step by step, moving on when you are ready. You may not feel like it, but a good shag might shake you out of the dumps. Hopefully, you'll become ready for an intimate relationship, but don't be too slow - the old maxim 'use it or lose it' is very accurate when it comes to sex.
Wanting no sex is indicative that you have the clinical condition called low libido. This may be the result of the sadness and depression since the death of your partner, medication you are taking to combat it, or perhaps other reasons. It could be that you never enjoyed sex and wish to avoid it. This condition is treatable, if and when you're ready.
For every woman who burnt her bra, there's a man ready to wear one. -- Veronica Vera (of Miss Vera's Finishing School For Boys Who Want To Be Girls, New York)
It's hard to predict which women would welcome a cross-dressing friend or lover. and which would be repelled. A woman who's slightly bisexual or one who's girly and likes dressing up herself is perhaps most likely to be suitable.
If you already have a partner who's unaware of your tastes, one way of 'breaking her in' to the idea of your cross-dressing is to gradually borrow her clothes - first a jumper, then a T-shirt. Slip into her panties during foreplay; wear her stockings and suspenders to a fancy dress party. Once she's realised the enjoyment for you in these 'fun' situations, she may accept sharing your more erotically intense cross-dressing activities.
Very few women would leap into bed with a cross-dresser until they'd got to know and love you. Don't spring your tastes on someone you've only just met (unless it's at a TV club), and don't start a relationship without telling her you're a TV - it simply isn't fair on her, and can lead to much unhappiness. If you need help in explaining things to her, or need support and guidance for yourself, try contacting the Beaumont Society. It is a nationwide group for TVs, with a penfriend scheme, fortnightly magazine, meetings and social events. They have a sister organisation, WOBS, for members' wives and partners. Contact: 27 Old Gloucester Street, London WC1 3XX. Tel. 01582 412 220.
Get out and meet other trannies and their friends. There is a full list of groups under Transvestite/Transsexual in our directory. Way out has its own night club, magazine, guidebook Transvestites Guide to London which lists everything you need to know. Their Tranny Line is 020 8363 0948 and website: www.wayout-publishing.com. The address is PO Box 70 Enfield, London EN1 2AE. Tapestry is the journal of the International Foundation for Gender Information, and is probably the best international listings magazine. IFGE, P.O.Box 367, Wayland MA 01778, USA. Tel. 617 899 2212.
Our library book no. 488, Miss Vera's Finishing School for Boys Who Want to be Girls, is an enlightened, sexy account of the female side of men.
It's hard to understand how such tastes develop but they do. It's a fetish which isn't easy to satisfy because of the restricted number of potential partners, which means that you may have a life of fantasy and isolation unless you find a way to attract the type of partner you want. You may like to borrow INSIDE issues 1 & 2, which carried articles by a female amputee and a male amputee fetishist.
Some men find it helpful to meet or correspond with others who share their fetish. The most useful aspect of this is that you stop feeling guilty and wretched when you realise that other perfectly normal people share your thoughts and fantasies.
Fascination is a club for amputees and their admirers, with an annual convention, newsletter and videos. Contact 3949 West Irving Park Road, Chicago, Illinois 60618, USA.
You'll never find a girl who accepts your fetish until you accept it yourself. If you can't find anyone else to communicate with on the subject, write to us at Outsiders. Don't sit alone feeling guilty and isolated because of your desires. One male member who was worried about his fetish, mainly because of his profession, did meet a lady through Outsiders who had an amputated leg. He took her to the theatre and enjoyed a pleasant evening with her. He didn't tell her about his fetish or make any advances. By meeting her he was comforted that there was nothing frightening about being with such women, and soon afterwards his desires stopped feeling so threatening and overwhelmingly appealing. Yearnings became less extreme and infrequent.
Certainly, most female amputees would be alarmed or uncomfortable if you revealed your fetish at the start of your relationship with them. Be prepared to spend a lot of time and energy on building up a trust and friendship strong enough to survive your eventual 'confession.' To avoid the heartbreak of being shunned, you need to describe your needs and desires in gentle terms so that your friend doesn't feel that she's merely an object of your gratification, or think that her amputation is the only part of her you're really attracted to.
Our library book no. 271 is Concerning the Erotic Attraction to Amputees.
Different things move us:
- jeans,
- uniforms,
- hoods,
- tuxedos,
- leather,
- lingerie,
- whips,
- shoes,
- silk,
- latex,
- corsets,
- rope,
- petticoats,
- cat suits,
- beards,
- long hair,
- crew cuts,
- tattoos,
- flannel sheets,
- feather beds,
- even knives,
- bearish men,
- petite women,
- heavy and skinny people,
- the strong-willed and the
- meek,
- country,
- military,
- and business types,
- jocks,
- bikers,
- hippies, yuppies,
- techies
- and preps.
No one suits everyone, but there is always some willing body for every wanting body. -- Philip Miller & Molly Devon from 'Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
Fantasy play, S&M, B&D, CP or whatever you want to call it comprise a huge world of erotic pleasures which many people enjoy. If you are interested and intrigued, please wait until you have learnt all the safety aspects and understood what it is all about before you try it out. You need to learn how to find a suitable partner or how to introduce someone new to the scene. You need to be absolutely clear about the difference between S&M and abuse and where the boundaries need to be drawn.
Contrary to popular belief, it is not violence against women. It is erotic role play which involves power exchange in a very controlled and loving fashion. You can learn quite a lot from visiting a fetish club backed up with reading. A really excellent book for this is 'Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns - the Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism' by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It is published by Mystic Rose USA and costs around $24.95. ISBN 0-9645960-0-8.
Most big cities have fetish clubs which are usually disability-friendly. Your local fetish shop will have flyers of forthcoming events. You can also learn about fetish clubs around the country by listening to the Skin Two Nightlife line which is 0906 8299714, Faxback 0906 520 0595. Specialist fetish groups can be found through the internet and your best first port of call might be www.whatsyours.com. A great place to learn more about the scene and meet people is at one of the fetish fairs which take place during the daytime at weekends. The London Fetish Fair is on 020 7916 8360 and has a monthly newsletter which is also on the web: www.londonfetishfair.co.uk/newsletters.
Submissive males swiftly find that there are many too many sub men for the female doms. Many subs are thus driven to professionals for their pleasures and satisfaction. Doms can be found through contact and specialist magazines such as Domination International.
The National Leather Association Deaf International publish Deaf Leather Reporter from PO Box 30286 Columbus OH 43230, USA.
SM Bisexuals c/o 37 Wharfdale Road, London N19. E-mail: smbi@andelain.demon.co.uk, and SM Gays are at BM SM Gays, London WC1N 3XX. See our library book 'Safer Sex for Leathermen. no. 463.
It is arguably a sensible idea for a person who has an impairment to live in a group situation so they can get help with the things they cannot manage. Performance artist lived in a group marriage for many years in San Francisco and this has enabled him to create some incredible events and work.
For a group marriage or commune to work, each member needs to be extremely good at interpersonal skills and communication, have plenty of confidence and team spirit, be sure of your sexuality, with a commitment to personal growth.
Finding the people or group, of course, is a different matter. You might find adverts in magazines, or get involved with the polyfidelity scene through appropriate websites Try PEP PO Box 6306 Captain Cook, Hawaii 96704-6306, USA. There is also Zegg in Germany on 49 33841 59565.
Some people just 'feel right' and you both know. The important thing is to acknowledge this feeling, tell each other, tell everyone else and not worry what others think.
This might be more difficult than you think when you know others will disapprove. If you've been inhibited by your parents, this is your big chance to establish that you are an independent adult with the right to choose your own life. Outsiders will always back you up, either through our office or through the phone support network of members who have themselves overcome such disapproval.
Have courage. Leave disapproving killjoys behind you. Life is too short to waste it obeying other people's rules.