All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes the trouble. -- Farmers Almanac 1966
The social stigma or perhaps the hassle of going out with you has become too much. Try to think of some sensible alternatives. Discuss the problem openly and try various different social arrangements.
Try to negotiate certain times of the day or week when they do things without you, so the limitation is not constant.
Develop an independent life of your own. Consider getting a team of PAs so that your spouse no longer needs to act as carer. Make sure these people bring fun into the household to compensate for lack of privacy.
It's often very difficult to keep the erotic side of the relationship going. They may be evolving into the 'parent' with you the 'child'. Make a space for sex. Try to create something to mark the change in role, different clothes, a glass of wine, their favourite music, to transform them from carer to lover.
The only way of easing their anxieties is to allow them more freedom. The more you cling, the more likely they are to want to leave. Take up some new interests and form new friendships. It might be useful to chat things over with a marriage counsellor or talk to other married club members with disabilities and learn from their experiences. You could try an open relationship whereby you and your spouse have other lovers. This is called 'responsible non-monogamy' and is considered by some to be a mature way of settling problems where monogamous marriage is limiting. Try the website www.swinging-scallywags.co.uk which is for people in open relationships and our very own Dee McDonald is the agony aunt answering questions.
Wife: Mr.Watt next door blows his wife a kiss every morning as he leaves the house. I wish you'd do that.
Husband: ButI hardly know the woman!
It's all too easy for sex to fizzle out in a longterm relationship. It's pretty common amongst Lesbians who call it Lesbian Bed Death. Women don't always have a strong enough sex drive to keep the passion rising. Different people find different ways of overcoming this problem, but good sex can only be revived when both partners really want it.
Sex may feel like hard work rather than a pleasure. Sometimes, it becomes too dull to bother. Sometimes people are lazy and inhibited and get so little out of sex that it never really takes off. Erica Jong says that her third marriage worked where the other two failed because she wrote down a sexual fantasy everyday and read it to her husband every evening.
If you both communicate your desires and fantasies, you will probably find your sex life will fire some new sparks. Lots of couples stop having sex because one partner wanted it much more than the other. The person who wanted it less felt that every move their partner made was a prelude to sex, so they clam up and go off it altogether. The way forward is discussion and compromise. Here's a formula to try. Decide what you'd like to do (kiss, fondle, undress), state how you feel and what you intend to do - then check with your friend that it's OK with them. For example, 'I'm feeling cuddly so I'm going to put my arms around you, nothing more. OK?'
You could make a deal, such as:
If one of you has a physical problem which inhibits sex, or stops it being pleasurable, ask your GP for help, whether you are male or female. It is important that women speak out. Much more is known about, and spoken about men's inability to get an erection than the equivalent in women. This is partly because women are reluctant to complain, but also because female physiology is much more hidden, mysterious and confusing. The medical profession is still arguing about whether women can ejaculate and which tissues are the female equivalent to the penis. The only way the balance is going to be redressed is by women speaking out and complaining when things don't feel right, or pleasurable.
Only when problems get presented seriously will the experts try to help and researchers take the time and effort to investigate. In the meantime, women who just complain amongst themselves or moan to their GP rather than specify the problem, will get fobbed off with excuses like, 'what can you expect at your age/with your disability/your situation' and other kinds of patronising.
If your GP refuses to listen,
insist that they refer you to a sex therapist who will. Or else go direct,
The British Association for Sexual & Marital Therapy is at:
PO Box 13686,
London.
SW20 9ZH.
Email: info@basrt.org.uk.
Tel:: 020 8543 2707.
Website: www.basrt.org.uk.
Avoid sex therapists who are not qualified and use this Association to check them out.
Ask your partner to tell you what the best sex they ever experienced was like, and what the worst was like. This will give you an idea about how to improve things so they might want it again. For example, women tend to like a romantic warm-up, feeling safe and cared for. Men might go for the same, or a ritual and fantasy experience to get them going.
If your partner refuses to speak to anyone about their personal life, encourage them to read some of the selected library books. Then introduce them to sex-talk very gradually, discussing their ideas on romance and sensuality without getting too erotic too fast. Many people find it really hard to talk about their feelings and fantasies, and reading books together can help.
Many relationships survive and even flourish despite a lack of sex. It's a myth that all couples have sex - many don't. The companionship, mutual support and emotional intimacy might be be more important to you than the absence of physical lovemaking.
Indeed, so long as you don't rely on them: use them only for special occasions. Drugs such as cocaine are highly addictive and the habit extremely expensive. Most recreational drugs are currently illegal in Britain, although we are now allowed to enjoy cannabis and Viagra when obtained on prescription. All others carry a risk of legal problems, so we cannot recommend them. Heroin is not a sexy drug.
Different drugs have profoundly different effects and sometimes you can enhance each effect by taking them together. Always try them out individually first, so you know what they do to you, and how each one suits you. Most drugs can, if you are unlucky, make you feel queasy and throw up. Bear in mind that the effects can be quite different in different surroundings and situations. Being in bed or in beautiful countryside with a lover are by far the most pleasant. Taking a trip together is bonding in itself and drugs can help you feel brave and be more explorative and adventurous with each other.
Natural drugs, especially when grown organically, feel more romantic than artificial chemicals. A successful trip will make you wonder why you don't do it every day, and may leave you feeling exhausted.
Cocaine can make sex feel more pleasant by taking away all your pains and cares. Your body feels nice and you may lose your inhibitions, so you get into some wild action. Sadly, cocaine can interfere with erections, which can spoil much of the fun.
Cannabis has the opposite effect in that it makes you more sensitive and dreamy so your skin and genitals are more responsive. Like cocaine, it can make you feel happier. By increasing the blood levels of phenylethylamine, a neurotransmitter associated with love and lust, cannabis opens up those pathways between you to make you feel highly connected together. Taken with cocaine, cannabis will make the experience more visual and seductive.
Grass (flowering buds) like Nepalese, Himalaya Gold and Durban Poison, is healthier than hash (resin), which may be mixed with nasty substances, especially Moroccan. If you don't want to smoke it, bake it in cheese on toast or cookies. Be careful not to ingest too much.
Psychedelics such as magic mushrooms put you in a fun mood and accentuate whatever is going on so you feel love more strongly, and become super-aware of all your senses. Mescaline makes everything warm, beautiful and mellow.
LSD or 'Acid' is similar to mushrooms only artificial. Ketamine can lead to wild sex and take you to interesting places. Ketamine can also be addictive and may numb the sense organs.
Ecstasy is the drug which makes you feel loved-up and cuddly, or just like dancing. Its chemical ingredients can have an adverse effect on your body, even causing brain damage. Sex might feel amazing if you ever get around to it, but whatever you do will probably feel erotic (unless you throw up).
Poppers are often used in casual sex to enhance the feelings of orgasm by increasing the blood flow. They lower the immune system and are generally dangerous.
If you experience any problems, call Release on 0845 4500 215.
This is common with people with cerebral palsy and those born with congenital dislocated hips. The parting of legs is not essential for intercourse or oral sex but it limits the positions you can use.
There is an operation to make your hips more flexible which is done in order to make walking, standing and sex easier. Ask your GP.
Sex is more than banging in and out: practise slow, loving movements and caresses to produce a teasing build-up. For the genital friction required for orgasm, use methods not based on hip movement. Use the parts of your body that move freely, like your hands or mouth! Try lots of different positions and movements, including standing up. Invest in a range of firm cushions for supporting underneath. Don't rush. Make sure you both take responsibility, keep your sense of humour and reassure each other of your desire for them.
People with cerebral palsy could try to relax more before lovemaking by using relaxation drugs, taking a hot bath or whatever. If you have an orgasm by masturbation first, the body will definitely be in a more relaxed state. Mutual masturbation can be a very pleasurable way to spend your time and the legs can stay unparted.
Don't be defeated: making love will ease the condition, and help people feel good about themselves. Forget all notions of what other couples may be doing, and have fun experimenting to find the best ways of enjoying yourselves.
Have a hot bath or use muscle relaxants before, to see if they make it easier for you. Cannabis is usually effective.
Sex has no rules. Nobody else can predict what will work best. Chat about what feels nice, what could feel nice if it were a little softer, harder, faster or slower, and what feels positively awful. Be open to experiments using your mouth, tongue, face, hair, fingers, toes, and anything that seems to work.
Sex can be made easier and more pleasurable with certain aids. Use soft things such as a feather or silk scarf to play with and stimulate each other. Watch porn together so you can get off on seeing other people enjoying more control over their bodies.
Some couples decide to invite another couple to come and make love with them, acting as facilitators. It's probably a good idea to get to know them a little bit first and perhaps ask them for a reference to ensure they are bona fide. You may find such a couple through Outsiders or by searching on the swing scene, for example in Desire magazine or on the Swinging Scallywags website, both listed in our directory under Sexuality and Disability.
Don't worry about reaching orgasms at the same time. It's lovely to watch your partner come, and they watch you later. Try to be uninhibited, so that you learn to fully enjoy the sensations of touch, arousal, closeness and desire that lovemaking brings. The more you try, the better it will be: continue to experiment, remembering that sexual relationships either evolve or stagnate. Don't be afraid of reaching orgasm because of your limbs flying around. Orgasm is very good for you, and will help your body function better. Sometimes an orgasm can make a person who is unable to speak because of cerebral palsy relaxed enough to say a few sentences.
Our library book no. 140 offers ideas on this subject.
Different people respond to disaster and major life changes in different ways, often unpredictably. You certainly need to be prepared, both emotionally and practically. Speak to your partner's doctors and get their advice. Don't feel guilty about taking time off on your own to enjoy yourself, so that life isn't all melancholy and distress. And spend as much time as possible being close, intimate and happy with your partner. There will be deeply sad times ahead and make sure you have some friends to confide in and support you. You can find such friends in Outsiders.
Death can be quite beautiful if handled well. Discuss it with your partner, and make plans for the best possible end.
Hopefully you'll get support from relatives, but it has been known for over-protective parents who were against the relationship in the first place to take over and even try to reclaim the partner's body and arrange the funeral themselves. It may help for your partner to leave written indications of their wishes, though these won't be legally binding. A funeral director should only take instructions from you - contact a religious minister for support.
There are organisations which can help you both before and after your partner
has died, and some are listed in our directory
under Bereavement.
The Befriending Network supports terminally-ill people and their carers:
11 St. Bernards Road,
Oxford,
OX2 6EH.
Tel: 01865 512 405.
Other members of Outsiders have been in your situation, and talking to them may help. Let us know, and we'll try to put you in touch. Our library book no.419, might help, 'Bereavement Studies Of Grief In Adult Life'.
Hopefully you are now more mature and your relationship with your partner has replaced the bond between your partners and their parents. Nothing should stop two people who love each other from being together. Your previous relationships were probably unsuitable, and wouldn't have worked anyway.
Make sure you talk to your new partner and their parents, discussing disability and all its consequences in an frank and open way. Once they have realised that you know how to cope and run your life in an honest fashion, nobody will want to take your lover away from you.
Clearly your partner hasn't grown away from their parents and this may be very difficult for them to do, especially if they've always needed convincing of their worth as a person. It's hard for someone who needs parental approval all the time to enjoy a fully adult life, and any relationship is likely to be doomed if you're always being compared to Mum or Dad.
The two of you need to talk this over calmly and seriously. They may not realise the resentment you feel. Don't give your partner an 'it's them or me' type ultimatum, as it isn't fair on them and will almost certainly end your relationship anyway. Tell them that the last thing you want to do is come between them and their parents, but that you're starting to feel left out. If the discussion gets too fraught, suggest that you both go to see a counsellor.
If you're really keen on him/her, make a special effort to make friends with their parents, so that they don't see you as a rival for their precious offspring's affections. If your partner's been brought up in a 'smother love' kind of atmosphere, their parents may have encouraged them to feel that the world is a dangerous place unless Mum and Dad are always on hand to protect them from nasty things. If you can convince everyone that you don't fall into this category, the apron strings may be gradually loosened so that the two of you can enjoy a full relationship. Just make sure that Mum and Dad don't book into your honeymoon hotel!
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant twice a week. A little candlelight, dinner, music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -- Henny Youngman
Perhaps you are a very strong personality who attracts people who feel overwhelmed by you, and unable to feel anything but dependent on you? Talk to your partner and tell them how you feel. Help them stand on their own two feet, and become responsible for their own lives. Make sure you mean it, and be firm. Or else put up with the clinging.
Think back and try to remember if you promised more love and security than you deliver? Sometimes people who are insecure try to make themselves feel strong by allowing others to become emotionally dependent on them, and then regret it when they act helpless.Maybe your partner clings because they feel insecure. You may need to spend more time assuring them you love them. Perhaps you have been unfaithful and they are nervous you will do it again? Discuss all this with your partner and work together to make things improve.
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. -- Stephen Leacock
Every couple has disagreements and squabbles. The secret of staying happy is sorting your arguments out constructively. This is difficult to remember when you get angry, but try.
You both need to acquire the skill of expressing your feelings without accusing the other person, or trying to pin all the blame on them. Blaming the other person puts them under attack. making them feel aggressive so they come back with counter-accusations.
If you avoid blame and just tell them how you feel, they can come back to you with some kind of empathy, and then tell you how they feel. You can empathise back. The anger subsides and more understanding has been created.
Our library book no. 474 (tape 50), 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus', is a practical guide to improving communication skills and getting what you want in your relationships.
Passionate rows are about deeply felt emotions, often sparked off by the tiniest thing, mundane and trivial. If your arguments get worse and the issues dividing you fail to get solved, you may need to examine what is going on between you. You need to sort out difficulties and identify crucial issues. Try to sit down calmly and swap notes on what you are both getting out of the relationship and what's pissing you off.
Perhaps you are talking different languages? People with Asperger Syndrome interpret things differently. It may help to read 'An Asperger Marriage' by Chris and Gisela Slater-Walker.
If you feel helpless and it all looks hopeless, ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor. He/she will help you recognise and solve your problems.
Stop doing the things you don't want to do and tell your partner. If you need help in being more assertive about expressing your point of view, try reading our library books 'Pulling Your Own Strings' (no. 174), 'Asserting Yourself' (no, 211), 'Improve 'Your Confidence Quotient' (no. 220) or 'Stand Up, Speak Out, Talk Back!' (no .222).
If many of the things you do are caring for the personal needs of your partner, ask your partner to apply to an assessment by the council to get funds for a team of PAs to handle that side of things.
Perhaps you take care of things because your partner is disabled and it is easier for you. Sit down and negotiate that they take certain responsibilities on their shoulders. This will actually raise their confidence and esteem and make them more fun to be with.
My wife and I made a bargain many years ago in order to live harmoniously. I would decide on all the major problems and she would decide on all the unimportant problems. So far, in our twenty-five years of matrimony, we have never had any major problems. -- Judge Jonah Goldstein
When two friends have a common purse, one sings and one weeps. -- H. G. Bohn
Either give graciously or insist they contribute. Some people are hopeless at money but really good at other things, so you need to make up your mind what you will and won't go along with. Some people claim to be 'non-materialistic' and not motivated by money which really means they are too lazy to earn any of their own and will sponge off you instead.
It's best if everything is written down in income and expenditure columns so you can look at these together and involve your partner in planning. Get help from an expert - at your bank for example.
If your partner is borrowing from you, get the loan drawn up as a legal document, or kiss your cash goodbye. Try not to let money matters ruin an otherwise good relationship. Sort the matter out so that you are both happy.
There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way. -- Christopher Morley
If you can't cope with this little formality before the wedding, how will you face all the challenges of married life? It's essential that you're honest with everyone.
Your fiancee has grown used to coping with his/her disability, and now you must learn too. Brace yourself for an initial negative reaction from your relatives, but be determined that they will learn to accept the reality of your partner's disability and love them as a new member of the family.
Whatever you do, don't leave it till the wedding day, as this will make your wedding fraught with tension and spoil what should be one of the happiest days of your lives. Bring everyone together and explain all the issues surrounding the disability, introducing your fiance to your family. Good Luck!
Congratulations!
Hopefully you have a supportive gynaecologist/obstetrician who can discuss your pregnancy with you openly without trying to influence you to their way of thinking. Issues to be discussed are such matters as whether your disability will make it difficult to give birth and raise a child and the likelihood of passing on a disability to future generations.
You may wish to have tests to determine whether the foetus will become a disabled child. This may or may not sway your decision to continue with the pregnancy. Read on!
If you feel you are being pressurised at any time , seek help from elsewhere, for example from the DPPI listed below.
Discuss everything with your doctor, especially any drugs that you take which may be harmful to the baby. It's also wise to have stopped smoking and cut down on your alcohol intake, to give the baby the best possible chance of being healthy. You may worry about whether your disability or the father's disability could be inherited, and you can ask your GP for genetic counselling on the NHS. Some people decide to have the baby when they know there's a risk of passing their condition on to future generations, and this may or may not be considered a selfish decision. See our library books 137 & 366, 'Reproductive Issues for Persons with Physical Disabilities'.
Some couples decide not to risk giving birth to a disabled child, but to adopt a child with that disability who's been given up by its parents. This seems a sensible and worthy decision, as the parent/s will be experienced in coping with disability and feel empathy towards it.
Make sure you don't put yourself in a position whereby a social worker might come to assess you as a parent and decide, because of your disability or whatever, to put your child in care. This has been known to happen. An extremely capable wheelchair user was abandoned by her boyfriend when she became pregnant, and then told by social workers that her child would be taken into care as soon as it was born, as they felt she would be unable to cope on her own. Let us know if anything like this happens to you.
Specialist help is available from:
If you're unsure whether you want to keep the baby you'll find no shortage
of advice from anyone you ask, though finding someone who'll put their own views
aside and try to help you decide what's best for you may be more difficult. Abortion
is such an emotive issue that even the most compassionate 'pro-life' or 'pro-choice'
counsellor may find it impossible to avoid influencing you with their viewpoint.
Abortions shouldn't damage you physically, but you might get upset emotionally.
If you have the baby and then give it up for adoption, the emotional wrench might
be worse. For expert advice, try:
The Pregnancy Advisory Service,
11-13 Charlotte Street,
London.
W1P 1HD.
Tel: 020 7637 8962.
Your GP will arrange it for
you, unless you live in Northern Ireland, in which zcase you'll have to visit
another part of the UK for the
termination. If your GP
won't arrange it, go and see another. If you've decided on an abortion because
an abnormality has been detected in the
foetus,
you could contact ARC
formerly SATFA,
a charity which supports parents through befriending and self-help groups:
73-75 Charlotte Street,
London,
W1T 4PN.
Tel: 020 7631 0285.
Helpline (Tel/Fax): 020 7631 0280.
Email: info@arc-uk.org.
Web: www.arc-uk.org.
It's natural to get very upset, especially if you had been really looking forward to having a baby. There are specialist organisation offering support and help:
Help, advice, support and friendship is available from: