The only formal sex education I ever had was from a nervous headmaster who told me about the reproductive habits of lupins. So I'm about as ready as I can be if I ever fall in love with a lupin. -- Miles Kington
Enjoy yourself, that's what! Explore all you can and get an active sex life even it it's with nobody but yourself.
How come you were deprived of this before? Who has been inhibiting you? Make sure they don't do the same to anybody else.
Outsiders took part in a very serious French TV documentary in 2001, which argued for the European Convention of Human Rights to ensure that all disabled people have a sex life if they want one. This could be a legitimate campaign. You can approach The Disability Rights Commission (Tel: 08457 622 633) or the British Institute of Human Rights who are on 020 7848 1818.
Take pride in your sexuality and your appearance - you never know when your dreamboat is going to burst into your life demanding a kiss! Make sure you understand safer sex and always carry a condom. See STDs in the Glossary and STDs under our directory.
You have entered the erotic community which means taking responsibility for yourself and those around you, learning how to make people feel lovely without feeling hassled, make people feel sexy without feeling hounded, and make people feel wanted without feeling pressurised. Help your lonely friends to pair off. Accept other people who may get laughed at or discriminated against because of their sexual tastes. Cast sexual magic around you.
When I walk with you, I feel as if I had a flower in my buttonhole. -- William Thackeray
'I like seeing experienced girls home'
'But I'm not experienced'
'You're not home yet!'
If you are 19, don't worry - something exciting will come along soon. Be sure to make the most of it. If you're 90, well, you are a patient soul, but hows about hurrying up?
Virginity need not be thought of as something to be treasured, but rather something to be cast aside. And once you've got 'first night nerves' out of the way, you can relax and really enjoy sex.
If you find it impossible to get sexy with anyone, find an older partner who knows what they are doing and help you over the awkwardness of learning. Treat her as a lady or him as a gentleman though, not a teacher. You could place an advert in a contact magazine, along the lines of 'inexperienced virgin seeks teacher'.
Another idea is paying someone to deflower you, just as a 'one-off' to get your sex life started. Beware: if paying for sex becomes a habit, you may never learn the enjoyable give and take of proper relationships.
If you're disabled, try contacting S.A.R, a Dutch organisation which helps
disabled people improve their sex lives through meetings with trained sex workers:
Postbus 875,
3700 AW Zeist,
Netherlands.
Tel. 030-6 96.03.90.
None of these ideas is going to solve your long-term problem of not being able to attract a partner. Especially if you have a disability, it could be that you're surrounded by the kind of people who prefer to treat you like a child or pet - 'do-goody' types with prudish values who feel that disabled people shouldn't concern themselves with 'that sort of thing.'
So, what you've got to do is to find some fun-loving friends away from your present circle and become an independent, assertive person.
Make sure you give yourself pleasure and know as much about your own sexuality as possible. Fantasy and self-pleasure are essential grounding for a good relationship with someone else. It's lonely and hopeless to think of pleasure as something that can only be brought to you by someone else.
Are you unable to reach? There are several ways to masturbate and perhaps you haven't tried them all? As well as hands (or feet), you can use a vibrator or other sex aid like an artificial vagina. Some vibrators come on a long handle which is useful for people with short arms.
People also get off by rubbing their bodies against something, usually lying on their tummies, rocking their hips forward and up, then back again in a rhythmic fashion. If you cannot do it one way, it might take a lot of practice to succeed by other means, but worth the effort.
There is no harm in asking for help, either by putting this on your PA's job description or asking around among your more liberated friends. Best keep a check that their hand doesn't become more than a substitute for your own. Keep a handle on your emotions by discussing them. This is a delicate but very important issue for your sanity.
However much you stimulate yourself, you cannot get there? Some men and many women have this problem.
Men can have a condition called retarded ejaculation which means it takes a long time and effort to reach orgasm. Sometimes this may be caused by a disability such as polio. Try using a strong vibrator. Many women are pre-orgasmic for the same reasons but most women find it difficult to have an orgasm because they have never masturbated, feel inhibited and have a problem letting go. An orgasm occurs when stimulation overcomes inhibition. The more inhibited you are, the more stimulation you need. Many women reach a small shudder and think this is it, afraid to let the stronger feelings emerge.
Mains vibrators tend to be stronger and produce a more powerful vibration. Looking at sexy pictures, reading erotic stories or fantasising about situations and people you find sexy will help. Try everything you can and, at a last resort, ask your GP to refer you to a sex therapist.
Vieta helps women having sexual difficulties, of feeling unsure of themselves, seeing them both singly and in groups in London. You can call her on 07761 140 547.
Youa cannot get an erection or get physically aroused? You need to see your doctor to find out if you have a physical problem, which may or may not be associated with your disability. Methods of creating an erection are listed in the section on sexual problems. It's worth exploring all possibilities, by stimulating all your erogenous zones, especially the nipples, with soft massage and a strong vibrator.
People who are paralysed find that sensory amplification - in other words stimulating an area to increase the sensations in it, can work and they can experience orgasmic sensations just above the area of paralysis.
Do the staff where you live/parents inhibit you and deny you privacy? We have heard of residents having vibrators confiscated, parents removing gadgets from the bed, and sons being too embarrassed about ejaculating on mother's sheets. Don't allow yourself to be restricted. Of course, it can be quite a big step to broach the subject of self pleasuring to strict parents and staff but, look at it this way: they are free to do it and everyone else does it, so why not you? If you don't feel you have the confidence to demand your rights, get help from other people in Outsiders or amongst friends.
The European Convention of Human Rights states that everyone is entitled to privacy. If you have none, and this is destroying your life, please contact the Outsiders office or go direct to The Disability Rights Commission on 08457 622 633.
Are you too intimidated by your fantasies? Stop worrying: everybody has the most outrageous, disturbing fantasies and they act as a way of expressing the dark side, as well as getting us off. Let your mind roam until a sexual fantasy comes and do not censor it, rather allow it to unfold. Enjoy the images which your imagination creates and stimulate your body at the same time if you wish. All fantasies are safer sex, and what's more, they are free! Make the most of them.
Try to include as much of your body as you can reach when you pleasure yourself, including your brain, and any part of your body which is affected by your impairment. Kimberly O'Sullivan invented the three Ms: massage, masturbation and meditation.
SexWare is a sex aids catalogue produced by the Family Planning Association
which includes vibrators designed for people with impaired hand function. For
a copy, write to:
FP Sales,
Mail Order Dept,
PO Box 883,
Oxford.
OX4 5NT.
web: www.fpsales.co.uk/generalpublic.
Lots of sex toys suitable for disabled people on the webpage: www.goodvibes.com, go to books and then you fill in the 'Search this Site' box, by writing the word 'disability'.
Shiri Zinn offers to hand-make sex aids for people with disabilities. She is a talented artist whose works are sold in the wonderful sex shop in London: Coco de Mer. Tel 020 7836 8882.
Sexual frustration may include a wide variety of feelings. Being brought to orgasm only offers part satisfaction. People also miss being touched by another person, having access to another person's body, cuddling, affection, erotic connection, passion, sharing intimacy, enacting fantasy, extreme sensations, ecstasy, belonging to somebody, and love.
Easy solutions like masturbation or looking at porn only supply limited comfort. One of our members used to go to bed with a wig on his pillow so he could pretend he had a girlfriend beside him. Other men use blow-up dolls. Some people are driven to talking about a girlfriend or boyfriend they don't really have, in order to have other people believe they have a partner.
Masturbation is very important to everyone and should never be underestimated as a pleasurable experience. Sadly, it is those very people who have no partner who tend to enjoy it least, because they get bored with their own hand, and bringing themselves off becomes a reminder that they have nobody. Try not to feel like this. Orgasms are good for you and masturbation feels best when you include sensuality and fantasy. Try to set aside a period of time, at least once a week, when you pamper yourself with a sensual experience, perhaps a long bath with beautiful music playing and then dry your body, and give yourself plenty of touching, perhaps using massage oil or lubricants. Allow your mind to visit the most 'naughty' places to excite yourself and explore your erogenous zones like never before. Our library books 'Masturbation, Tantra & Self-Love. (no. 127) and 'The Multi-Orgasmic Man' (no. 475) will show you how to use sexual energy more creatively and increase your orgasmic capacity.
Play with yourself to give your body and mind as much pleasure and satisfaction as it is possible to do on your own. Don't feel guilty or worry that this is self-indulgent or wrong. Be encouraged that the better you know your own body, the better lover you will be to a future partner. Watch your genitals change as they become aroused (women using a mirror) so that you know how to show someone else.
The more pleasure you give yourself and satisfied you make yourself feel, the bigger the smile on your face and the more likely you are to find a partner.
If you are physically disabled, stimulating and enjoying your body should reinforce the notion that your body is a source of pleasure, which may help you accept it more. And if you are socially disabled, making your body feel lovely should be a step towards introducing it to the world.
If you crave some kind of erotic human contact and can't find a partner yet, find an erotic penfriend. email friend or phone friend through Outsiders or a contact magazine to add some variety to your bedtime activity. Lots of people share fantasies or have pretend affairs via the internet.
You might want to consider advertising for sexual partners in contact magazines, finding a sex angel or hiring a prostitute. These are discussed elsewhere. People sometimes discuss the use of surrogates for disabled people but they misunderstand what the term means. A surrogate is a person employed alongside a sex therapist to help a patient overcome his/her sexual dysfunction. The work usually focuses on relationship problems. Should you wish to enter such therapy, then the surrogate may well help you overcome your inability to establish normal sexual relationships with women. The treatment is usually quite expensive, and there are few properly trained surrogates currently operating in the UK.
Sometimes prostitutes do surrogate work without a therapist but the service usually becomes more pleasurable than educational or therapeutic.
Being able to talk about all this with friends does make it seem much less depressing, lonely and might even help relieve some of the frustration.
A sex angel is someone who offers sex to somebody in need. Be very clear about your reasons - it could be that your partner won't make love with you and you would rather fill a need than have an affair. Perhaps you just have an enormous capacity for sex and want to put it to good use. Decide how much time and energy you are prepared to give, and how much support you think you might need.
Of course, we have members who would love your help but we will need to know and trust you before passing their names on. So please write to Outsiders and we will go from there.
If you have your own contacts, and know people who want your help, try to find someone (volunteers at Outsiders for example) to support you and act as supervisors to ensure that things run smoothly. Lots of people dream of the ideal but in practice cannot deliver. It is very cruel to offer a service and then let the person down. Proceed slowly and carefully.
A surrogate can be a professional sex angel who accepts payment. You will need to work in a professional manner and for this you may need a bit of training. Tuppy Owens' paper 'Why Disabled People make the Best Clients' gives you some tips. It is available from the Outsiders office.
You may gravitate to certain types of disability. People with Asperger Syndrome require specialist understanding to help them handle feelings and re-learn facts about sex and love which they have misunderstood. Other people would require a more physical approach.
Sadly there is still no umbrella group functioning to coordinate surrogates in this field. A group of friends decided to start a service called STAR, Sexuality Through Access and Rights, but it hasn't really got off the ground yet. They plan to offer intimate education, practice, awareness training and satisfaction to people with physical and social disabilities. The majority of the sex workers are bisexual men and women, happy to take on any client. They still need to create an infrastructure to ensure the surrogates and clients work within strict boundaries, without which it's too easy for scallywags to exploit them and they become disillusioned. You can contact them via email on lastgreattaboo@hotmail.com.
Outsiders is usually aware of things going on in this field. So ask us ifthere are any developments. You could always work for SAR in Holland by calling them on 00 30 696 0390.
Any legal difficulties you experience with regard to sex work should be dealt with professionally. A good solicitor who specialises in such cases is John Blandford, on 020 8288 9930 pager 07659 112792.
It is easier than ever before to find a prostitute, as there are adverts in most newspapers for saunas, massage parlours, escorts, home visits and girls who work in flats. Most cities also have red light zones with street walkers.
If you are disabled, shy or socially nervous, inexperienced or feeling very vulnerable, it is important that you hire a sex worker who is highly professional and good at her job. You are most likely to find him or her through an advert which brings you into direct contact with them, or go through a really good agency. It stands to reason that a sex worker who runs her own life in her own flat or stays on the books of a reliable agency is more likely to deliver a better service than a girl who works in the street. Street girls and boys are usually raising cash for their heroin addiction and are often thieves. Many of them are employed by pimps. Massage parlours and saunas can be seedy but some of them are very good. The parlours of Birmingham are excellent and the saunas in Sheffield and Edinburgh very good indeed. Access is often a problem: many flats are upstairs or downstairs in old buildings with no lifts.
Many disabled people prefer to be visited by a prostitute because they have all their contraptions and gadgets at home and may find that a journey makes them too tired for sex. Sadly, most sex workers charge by the hour, travelling included, so that visiting might make her fee prohibitively high. Until someone comes up with the reality of a roaming mobile fuckmobile, there seems no way round this one.
Professional prostitutes enjoy working with clients who treat them well, so
the first lesson to learn is to be a good customer. This means speaking openly
but respectfully, turning up on time with the agreed cash, with some extra for
the tip you should give her if you get a good service. Be well scrubbed with clean
clothes. Cancel if you have a cold or other infection. Negotiate what you want
and don't be shy. They have heard all the requests before and they range from
learning how to chat someone up or please them sexually to experimenting with
your fantasies, being touched all over, snuggling up and whispering sweet nothings
to wild sexy passion. Just ask for all the things you miss in life. You can ask
for the session to be intimate, like a real girlfriend/boyfriend situation or
else you can ask for distance: a striptease, an
Each whore has their own limit: perhaps something that they reserve for their private life. Often this is kissing, or anal sex. Respect their rules.
Don't try and hang around after your time is up and don't pester the sex worker afterwards by phone. Make the most of feeling good by calling up friends to cheer them up.
Any sex worker who refuses to see you because you are disabled or sound timid on the phone is best dismissed. She or he would be useless anyway.
Good sex workers have probably had plenty of experience with disabled clients. If you have special needs which she may not have come across before, if you have a condition which could be life-threatening during sex, if you get autonomic dysreflexia, for example, or if you find it very difficult to spontaneously relate your feelings and needs, perhaps having Asperger Syndrome, you may wish to send her a note about all this, or discuss it on the phone in advance. Some sex workers don't like discussing sex on the phone in case the 'client' turns out to be a policeman.
If you come really quickly, don't worry, you have paid for a certain amount of time, so you can start again and come again.
All professional sex workers will use safer sex. Sex with a professional is likely to be much safer than with a horny groover you meet down the local disco. Never insult a sex worker by trying to bribe them into have intercourse without a condom.
If you visit the sfc website at www.sfc.org.uk you will find some guidelines on being a good whore and a good client. Punternet is a website which reviews sexual services. Another website called EscortWatch reviews agencies. Once again, any legal difficulties you experience with regard to sex work should be dealt with professionally. Our recommended solicitor is John Blandford, on 020 8288 9930 pager 07659 112792.
Australia has come a long way in the past few years, largely thanks to a group of disabled people called ACCSEX. They meet regularly in Room 18, VAC, 6 Claremont Street South Yarra, Sydney. You can join the group through ACCSEX@yahoogroups.com. Members swap notes and raise awareness on the sexual needs of disabled people, and have successfully improved facilities. They report on training facilities for sex workers on disability and make recommendations.
For example, La Petite Aroma, a registered brothel in the Chatswood suburb of Sydney, which caters for people with disabilities, close to the station and parking available.
If what you really want is a relationship with someone, be very careful that you don't come to rely on professional sex. It's easy to simply pay for what you want without all the responsibilities of negotiating with a lover. On the other hand, some people prefer to live without all the emotional baggage of a relationship, and visit a whore whenever they feel the urge. If money is no object, that is a legitimate choice.
Learn as much as possible about safer sex. You can find leaflets in doctors surgeries and there are plenty of books explaining everything. HIV and Hepatitis are both life threatening so you need to avoid unprotected intercourse. Always use a condom or avoid intercourse altogether, and use sexual practices such as mutual masturbation where there is no contact between genitals. 'On me, not in me' is the motto.
Look up STDs in the Glossary and directory. A website which specialises in unconventional relationships & HIV is: www.europrofem.org/02.info/22contri/2.04.en/5en.sex/10en_sex.htm.
Most disabled people have had so much experience at stating what they want and finding practical ways of getting it, that you should have no difficulty extending your skills to the bedroom, and using your brains to avoid putting your health at risk.
Shyness must be the single greatest obstacle to sexual pleasure. If only we could express our needs and enjoy all the thrills we dream about, our sex lives would be a zillion times better. Most women are brought up to be modest, and believe it's brazen to actually enjoy sex. This principle was created to prevent women getting pregnant with no husband. Now we have birth control, the notion is quite superfluous, but traditions are slow to go away.
There are many forms of shyness. Some people are shy about anyone seeing their body; some are shy about letting go and enjoying sex; many are too shy to ask for what they want.
This might seem a bit shocking but, by far the best way to overcome shyness about your body is to go along to a naturist resort, or spend a day on a nudist beach. You'll be amazed at the various shapes and sizes, ages, physical disabilities and deformities, all being accepted as normal. After the first five minutes of embarrassment and erotic arousal at seeing a sea of breasts and genitals in front of your eyes, you begin to see people in a new light: the body becomes simply the external shell which carries the person around. Look in our directory under Naturism.
Most sexually shy people will be too nervous to visit a nudist place but you might like to try spending more time naked at home. Try sunbathing nude, perhaps with a friend in a secluded place. Go for a massage where you can be naked and discuss your shyness about your body with the masseur. Remember, all bodies are beautiful. A scar can look sexy, a bulge is just a contour, bony limbs are slim. The most important thing about sex is that you enjoy it, and how can you do that when you're worrying about your appearance? Remember: it's a pain being vain!
Some people are so accustomed to keeping a grip on themselves they can't imagine ever letting go and being sexually wild. In fact, the more you let go, the more powerful you will actually feel.
Anything that takes you out of yourself and forces you into wild behaviour will help, from amateur dramatics to bungee jumping. If you have a partner, ask them to treat you to some wild times, and tell them not to be polite during sex just because of your inhibitions. Perhaps they'll do some primal screaming with you, with coordinated deep breathing, pulling faces, playing silly games, helping you feel less uptight. You may even find you need to learn to let go before you can enjoy an orgasm with your partner. So you see, this is very important if you don't want to end up coming in separate rooms!
When you need to tell them how to use their fingers or tongue to get you to fever pitch, shyness can easily get in the way.
You may feel it's unnatural to ask for hands to touch you more or perhaps differently. One of the biggest myths about sex is that, 'it should all happen naturally' Not true!
You can switch from a horrendous sex life to days and nights filled with love and ecstasy just by chatting and agreeing to please each other. Don't think it's angelic to remain silent.
Get used to hearing yourself saying the things you'd like to get up to in bed (or out). Practice asking nicely for what you want. 'Please fuck me up the ass' may not be in your usual repertoire, but it can be. Whisper it, then say it louder. If you have trouble thinking of the words to use, try reading erotic books out loud, to get used to speaking a wider vocabulary, then practice the words that are most appropriate to your needs.
Practice at asking small, easy things, like a kiss, a cuddle, have your hand held, and build up to asking to have your chest caressed, for example.
Make things easier for yourself by asking your lover what they would like, what their fantasies are, and how they like being licked. Then tell them your dreams.
Using alcohol and recreational drugs helps people say and do things that they wouldn't normally dare to. Some people disapprove, and may not get along with certain substances. The trouble is most people know very little about them and have only heard scare stories. There is a section on drugs and sex in the next chapter.
If you endlessly try to say what you want, but never succeed, simply write your wishes down on a piece of paper and give it to them to read. Begin your message by explaining how shy you are, and then request that they help you overcome your shyness, by asking you what you'd like every time you make love (or at least on some occasions).
It might be very difficult for someone to accept that you're shy during sex. Find a way to sound convincing. You could, for example, describe yourself as being lost in lust: you're often too turned on to articulate your needs, or feel that they get so turned on you're afraid to dampen the passion.
Agree on a sign, touch, or word which signifies that you have a request. It might be dark, so holding your own ear lobe might go unnoticed. The deal is they ask you what you want, and keep on asking until you spill the beans.
Hopefully, after a few months or years, your partner will come to recognise what you need at various stages of sex play. Then have some surprises up your sleeve, as you get a little bolder.
Perhaps you only realise hours or days after the sex has finished that, although you both had a good time, you still didn't really get what you need, deep down. It might be an orgasm or something else quite unique.
Insist that next time one of you gets horny and wants sex, the scenario goes in the direction to cater to your needs. Discuss ways to break the habit of one of you getting off, and the other not getting what they want. Basically, if you're too shy to say, your partner has got to take responsibility for pleasing you in a way you've already described.
Admitting to being shy, and asking for help, is something most people can take on easily. It's when you pretend to be able to cope that problems emerge. Most people love to have the chance to help their partner overcome little things like shyness, and it will bring you closer together, more loving and more sexy.
Looking in the mirror and learning to love everything about yourself, will help you to become more assertive and lose your shyness. Younger people, especially the more beautiful, tend to find this very difficult, being hyper-critical of their bodies. Look forward to the future - older people find it much easier to be less self-critical and accept themselves.
You need someone who does. Tell your closest, most trustworthy friend or group of friends, about your needs, sadnesses, disappointments. It's better to share your problems than bottle them up. Establish friendships with people you can trust enough, to chat about personal problems. By supporting each other, you can give each other the courage to ask for what you want in bed. You may decide that your lovemaking is a private affair between your lover and yourself and prefer not to discuss it with others. That's fine so long as you do actually listen to each other and respond.
Eroticising your image will help to make you sexually bold and verbally courageous. No need to use the cliche porn look: think about what YOU think is sexy. A sequinned blouse, a long, sensuous wrap, baggy trousers or a plain tube with a slit, may make you look, and feel, just as sexy as lingerie, a PVC outfit, or 'school uniform'. If you're not sure, give them all a go! Charity shops are often a great source of discarded erotic gear.
Try a new hairstyle (or start out with a wig to see how hair styles and colours change the way people respond to you). A blonde streak in the strand of hair next to your face, red varnish on your nails and gloss on your lips may make you feel saucy. Don't be afraid to copy your idols, but never feel you have to follow fashion or lingerie catalogues. You might want to dress up as your partner likes but the most important thing is to feel good in yourself.
Once you've looking like the person you'd like to seduce, admire yourself in the mirror. Spell out everything you want, and everything you want to do to your partner.
Don't let shyness ruin your sex life!
Just imagine: the object of your desires may be as nervous and timid as you are. Nothing will happen unless you talk about it and find a way to please each other.
'Women are from Venus, Men from Mars' which is in our library spends a lot of time explaining how easy it is to simply ask. Read this or another book and set aside some time to explore.
Your inhibitions come from your upbringing and you need to rebel. You are now an adult with sexual desires, so read some erotic books and leave them around. Or try a sex chatline.
Our library book no. 442, 'Exhibitionism For The Shy', might help you to shed your inhibitions and become more sensual.
If you feel inhibited because of past abuse or bad experiences, give counselling a try if you haven't done so before - your GP will be able to refer you.
These helplines may also be useful:
See also Sexual Abuse in our directory, and the phonebook for your local Rape Crisis Centre. Our library book no. 400, 'Raising Your Sexual Self-Esteem', includes chapters on overcoming the negative effects of childhood abuse.
Try not to allow the pain to make you feel less attractive. If you hate your body because it hurts, you may suppose, quite wrongly, that others hate it too.
If you find you are avoiding affection because you fear that this may lead to painful sex, then discuss this with your partner. It's important to find erotic things to enjoy which don't cause pain, in fact help you forget it!
Try to avoid complaining about your aches and pains when you fancy someone Only when you know them well enough can you afford to be honest.
Narcotic pain medication lowers your sex drive, so investigate switching to tricyclic anti-depressants.
Take a hot shower or warm bath before social or intimate activities - this will limber up and relax your muscles. Don't use electric stimulators for pain control during sex.
Even if your pain inhibits your sexual desire, remember you do not need desire for sex. Pleasure can emerge once you get into it. You can experience physical and emotional closeness without engaging in penetrative sex, by expressing love and affection, having fun telling each other how wonderful you are, and quenching skin hunger. People need touch, and the notion that you can't get touched without having intercourse is one of the most tragic myths.
The pain and pleasure centres in the brain are very close together, and some people get pleasure from pain. Of course, the good thrashing enjoyed by a masochist is vastly different from the chronic pain you experience - but nevertheless, perhaps with a little mental adjustment you could build a bridge between the pain and pleasure centres? For example, imagine that your lover is causing the pain and that it's leading to something.
Of course, lovemaking should involve the areas where pain is felt, with soothing techniques and whatever helps. Perhaps being touched lovingly on parts of your body which have previously only been a burden to you will make you feel ecstatic and forget the pain?
The Intractable Pain Society can be reached:
c/o Dr. Peter Evans,
Charing Cross Hospital,
Fulham Palace Road,
London.
W6 8RF.
Tel. 020 8846 1234.
Unwind is a non-profit-making, international support network for people who
have pain and stress, They sell helpful books and tapes by mail order. For a catalogue
and list of their self-help programmes, send a large SAE to:
3 Alderlea Close,
Gilesgate,
Durham.
DH1 1DS,
Tel/Fax: 0191 384 2056.
The Stress Management Training Institute (was Relaxation for Living) teaches
relaxation and is at:
'Foxhills',
30 Victoria Avenue,
Shanklin,
Isle of Wight.
PO37 6LS.
01983 868 166.
The Alexander Technique
has also helped people to discover and eliminate the ources of unnecessary pain - local
practitioners can be contacted via
the Society of Teachers of the Alexander Technique:
1st Floor,
Linton House,
39-51 Highgate Road,
London.
NW5 1RS.
Tel: 0845 230 7828.
Fax: 020 7482 5435.
Email: office@stat.org.uk
Techniques such as biofeedback, and meditation may also help - see Alternative Medicine in our directory.
People can be incredibly cruel and insensitive, mocking genitalia in a way which would be totally unacceptable for other parts of the body. The saving grace is that, in love, everything is acceptable and whatever your equipment, there are always ways to make love and bring pleasure to yourself and your partner.
Work on self-acceptance: once you accept yourself, it'll be easier for others to. If you can hate your body a little bit less each day, this will help. You may never love the bits that embarrass you, but you may come to accept them to a degree which makes intimacy possible.
Be sensible about when and how you tell people you're becoming close to. Don't tell them before any attachment or mutual close feelings develop, but on the other hand don't leave it until you're about to take your clothes off!
Perhaps you can initiate the sex act by concentrating on the other person's body and admit that you're too shy to let them explore you - then as time passes and your intimacy develops, your confidence and their desire for you will grow so that neither of you will care!
Through the club and contact magazines, you may find people who positively appreciate and adore you - people who are turned on by deformities, water sports and the like. Don't think of them as 'weirdos', as you're only putting yourself down by assuming that anyone who finds you a turn-on must have something wrong with them. They're just normal people with particular tastes - nothing to be afraid of.
If you feel that you're abnormal and have kept this worry to yourself, it would be sensible to be checked by a doctor. The size and shape of sex organs varies enormously from person to person (which makes each of us individual and exciting), so there's no need to get a complex about yours.
The Acorn Society
is a self-help group for men concerned about penis size and issues arising out of circumcision, at:
P.O.Box 113,
Weston-super-Mare,
Somerset
BS23 1DJ.
Norm UK
is for men who feel that being circumcised has deprived them of pleasure
during sex, and shares information on techniques for foreskin restoration. Contact:
PO Box 71,
Stone,
Staffs.
ST15 0SF.
If you feel very insecure and alone, contact a self-help group for people
with your problem. Look our directory
under ostomies.
There is also the
Breast Care & Mastectomy Association
at:
Kiln House,
210 New Kings Road,
London.
SW6 4NZ.
Tel: Helpline 0808 800 6000.
Email: info@breastcancercare.org.uk.
Your sweat may be a sexual attraction for some people, but you can't risk that assumption when searching for a partner. Sweat is quite a taboo subject for most people, so you need to find a way to discuss your sweating in a laidback manner which will engage potential partners without repelling them. You need to reassure them that sex with you can be pleasurable. If they find you sexually attractive, all this will be plain sailing.
Discuss the problem with partners to find an amicable way to make your body as attractive as possible. Obviously a bath is in order before erotic contact, and you may find that some of the suggestions below help. It may be unpleasant for someone to share your bed if the sheets are always wringing wet and your body slippery with perspiration.
If your sweating is due to spinal injury, be assured that automatic sweating does lessen with time, during the 5-8 years after the lesion. The sweating can be suppressed for a day by taking a large dose of anticholinergics: but there are unwelcome side-effects such as blurred vision, difficulty in urinating and, in some people, interference with sexual arousal. They certainly shouldn't be taken without careful medical consideration, because in susceptible people they can cause severe bladder retention or glaucoma.
If the sweating occurs in the lower part of the body, you can have an operation called a sympathectomy, but the relief which this provides may only last for 3 or 4 years. It's a major abdominal operation, and not suitable for everyone.
Less drastically, you can simply try to keep your body dry. Sufferers who emigrate to hot, dry climates find that they aren't so drenched with sweat, because it evaporates more quickly. If you live in damp, cold Britain, all you can really do is turn up the heating and hope the bills don't bankrupt you. Alternatively, invest in a hand-drier and give yourself a quick once-over before sex.
Anti-perspirant can be on prescription, but may cause irritation, so use a little at a time to begin with. Formaldehyde is an alternative if you like the smell. From the chemists' shelves, you can pick up anti-perspirant talcs and long-lasting sprays and sticks, and it's worth trying new ones as they're improving all the time.
To test things out for yourself, apply on one side of your body and record the results at regular intervals. Or to compare two brands, put them on either side.
Try various materials for your clothing - sweatshirts or absorbent materials, and designs with slits to fan and air yourself. If keeping your body temperature down is a problem, Medicool make 'cool suits' for the task - contact them on 01252 372 466. If you can afford it, have a nice big bed with two separate duvets so you and your partner can switch and swap and keep comfortable.
Don't think that perfumes and deodorants will mask the smell of old sweat: people will notice if you smell and will avoid you, so be sure to wash several times a day and frequently change into fresh clothes.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Find out what you can feel and where you feel erotic sensations. Find anything that will turn you on. Get used to talk about sex, so that you become as uninhibited as possible.
You can enjoy sex by:
Sensory amplification can bring you orgasms. Concentrate on the pleasure you feel in a particular spot - try being rubbed, stroked, vibrated, or tickled in all areas where you can feel. Just above the level of paralysis is often a promising erogenous zone. If you have no feeling below the waist, explore the sensuous delights of your belly button! Amplify the pleasure you feel by feeding it with fantasies. You may be able to achieve so much satisfaction that you feel as if you're having a mental orgasm - with practice, genuine orgasms can be achieved by massaging erogenous zones such as nipples and earlobes. Make it your business to find out what feels best for you by exploring the 'temple of delight' that is your body.
You can experience a sympathetic orgasm. Playing with your partner, teasing them by lying provocatively and watching their excitement and ecstasy can be extremely erotically satisfying. Tune in to their growing arousal, watching and listening to their breathing, feel their heart beating against you, mingle with their sweat and juices, and enjoy their arms tight around you when they come.
Even if you can't feel it, you may be able to respond genitally - getting an erection or swollen pussy, which will turn your partner on and make him/her more excited and exciting. Persevere with caressing the genitals and/or using a vibrator.
Try all sorts of kinds of other tricks - people have found the most unexpected things get them going, like having your toes bent up, or anus massaged.
A bad headache and feeling alternatively chilled and flushed means you must stop immediately - you could be experiencing autonomic dysreflexia. People with a lesion above T4 can suffer a rise in blood pressure resulting from a full bladder, bowel or sexual arousal. This is potentially dangerous and requires medical attention.
If you go to the webpage: www.goodvibes.com, click on books and then you fill in the "Search this Site" box by writing the word "disability", you will find a video in the Online Store called 'Sexuality Reborn'. This video illustrates how individuals with spinal cord injury can enjoy fulfilling sex lives. Recommended viewing for everyone, whether or not you have a disability, as its emphasis is on developing and strengthening communication between partners.
New on the market is Ferti Care, a specially designed rechargeable battery
vibrator which provides TMNS -
Transcutaneous Mechanical Nerve Stimulation - stimulating ejaculation and producing
a nice feeling as well. It may even help with bladder & spacisty management.
Impower Ltd,
Tel: 020 8340 7311 or 07976 725 920.
Web: www.multicept.com.
The Spinal Injuries Association
has loads of literature, plus personal testimonies in their newsletters, on sex after spinal injury. They are at:
SIA House,
2 Trueman Place,
Oldbrook,
Milton Keynes.
MK6 2HH
Tel: 0800 980 0501 or 0845 678 6633
Fax: 0845 070 6911
Email: sia@spinal.co.uk.
An intermittent catheter can be removed when you want to have sex. Otherwise, the tube can be strapped to the side for sex, but be sure you leave enough tubing inside to allow for the tugs and engorgement which could pull it out.
Other ways round your predicament: controlling your urine flow before sex
by not drinking; a SUPRA pubic catheter; or intermittent self-catheterisation.
It's worth finding out the full range of possibilities.
The Spinal Injuries Association
has all the expertise:
SIA House,
2 Trueman Place,
Oldbrook,
Milton Keynes.
MK6 2HH
Tel: 0800 980 0501 or 0845 678 6633
Fax: 0845 070 6911
Email: sia@spinal.co.uk
for more info.
You can get personal help from your local Urological Assessment Clinic. If they don't seem sex-positive, try another one. Other organisations are listed in our directory under Sexuality and disability.
Most guys lick pussy like they're painting the fence. The girl's going, 'Am I being licked or weather-proofed?'-- Sam Kinison
Our library video 'Active Partners' shows the happiness of a young Californian couple now that the man has 'relearned' how to make love to his pretty girlfriend since breaking his back. They both agree that he's now a much better lover because he's more sensitive to her needs and doesn't try to 'perform.' He enjoys being kissed and caressed around his neck (and even enjoys orgasms, though not ejaculation) from such stimulation - and you can see how successful he is in giving orgasms to her.
Every woman is different, and the only real way to become an expert is to learn to be responsive to a woman's needs without bluntly (and unromantically) asking, 'What do you want me to do?' First watch her perform oral sex on you (if she will); then you can give her your version, with a few subtle variations from one occasion to the next. Watch and feel how she reacts to everything you do, and you'll eventually become a much sought-after expert!
Watching her masturbate will help, but having her genitalia licked or sucked can be a quite different joy for a woman - so learn how to make her come but try other techniques too. Be sure to shave your face beforehand, as stubble is a big turn-off (unless you have a beard.)
Read our library book no.24, 'Liberating Masturbation' by Betty Dodson (also on tape, no.7). It's really written for women, but can tell you what women really like.
The RNIB has a library of books and tapes on sex, as does Outsiders. You can also phone up to ask anything you want to know. 'Sex Lives On Audio Tape', which is the RNIB's catalogue of books on tape relating to sexual matters is in our library.
If you feel your lack of experience is one of the reasons you cannot find a partner, then try paid sex. Ask a friend to help you find a good sex worker and take you along, wait for you and back you up if he/she tries to rip you off. Ask the sex worker to teach you as much as possible, to make you confident at seduction, lovemaking and whatever else you enjoy.
Once you have a partner, they will be thrilled to teach you. It's always good fun exploring what feels good for both of you. Never forget: it doesn't matter what you do, so long as you both enjoy it. The only things to remember are to use reliable contraceptive methods and to have regular medical check-ups to make sure you're free from infection.
You can only pass Herpes on to someone else when you have an outbreak of spots, and these spots come into contact with your partner's genitals. Just as long as you know when you have spots and when you are in the clear, and you cover your spots up or keep them away from their genitals, there is no need to worry.
Examine yourself carefully so that you know when you've got spots and when you haven't. If you wet the genital area and it stings, you're probably infectious. Wearing a condom can be protection, depending on where the spots are and assuming it doesn't fall off. Spots on places other than the penis or vulva can be covered with a sticky plaster.
When feel you need to tell your partner, have some leaflets beside you and sit them down and explain the situation quite plainly. Having herpes is not the end of the world.
The Herpes Association is at:
41 North Road,
London.
N7 9DP.
Helpline: 020 7609 9061.
As well as answering your queries and offering counselling if necessary,
they'll also be able to put you in touch with your local self-help group.
Don't simply avoid people because you can't face telling them. This will only hurt their feelings - the best way is to 'come out' and let everyone know. Most people put passion first and who don't let anything spoil their fun.
Use all the support groups possible to gain confidence and meet people. There are groups and magazines for people who are positive so you can meet up. Ask around. Contact the London Lighthouse Tel 020 7792 1200 and the Globe Centre Tel 020 7791 2855 if you are experiencing difficulties. These and other groups are listed in our directory.
There are leaflets and books available to advise you on enjoying safer sex with new partners. See STDs in our Glossary and AIDS/HIV/Hepatitis in our directory. The best book 'Safer Sexy' by Peter Tatchel is in our library.
Join groups for
HIV positive people.
Positively Women (Free and confidential counselling for women with
AIDS or
HIV, run by and for
HIV+ women):
5 Sebastian Street,
London.
EC1V 0HE.
Tel: 020 7490 5515.
Helpline: 020 7490 2327 (Mon-Fri 12 noon-2pm).
Positive Nation has a monthly magazine, The National Voice of HIV. Subscriptions: 020 7564 2121.
Q: What do you call people who use the rhythm method?
A: Parents. -- Anon
If you're going to be secretive about your sex life (your sex life, remember, not your mum's or anyone else's), you'll have to pretend to your mum. Tell her you have bad period pains and wish to see the doctor about them. Then go on the Pill or do as your doctor advises.
It's far better to be honest and tell your parents you're going for contraception - it'll prepare them for all the other things you're planning to do, like sleeping with someone and generally behaving like a grown-up. Ask them if they'd prefer you to have contraception or get pregnant. Parents do adapt - often unwillingly and agonisingly, but sooner or later they have to face the fact that their little angel has become a sexual being with adult desires. Try to understand how they might be feeling - perhaps a little jealous that you're embarking on the sort of fun that they don't have anymore, and worried that once you have a lover, they won't be so important to you. If you reassure them that they will, they'll soon be reconciled to the situation and will be glad that you're becoming a healthy, independent adult with your own life.
Disability Now
has produced a free tape on contraception and sex aids which
you can get by sending an
SAE (with 1st class stamp) to:
SCOPE,
6 Market Road,
London N7 9PW.
An indecent mind is a perpetualfeast. -- Proverb
Your 'ideal' men and women in your fantasy material may make the flesh-and-blood specimens you have to share the planet with seem disappointing. But living your life with the view that you'll only leave your fantasy world for an insatiable Penthouse beauty or a brooding Mills & Boon hero, may mean a long wait. Real people are more complex and interesting than fantasy figures, and life will be more fun if you try to get to know them.
Using pornography or books in excess can be expensive and become depressing, as it makes you feel as if you have become dependent on the sex industry. You may very well feel isolated and screwed up. It's time to move on and start dating real people.
Take a few calculated risks. You could start by finding some members of the opposite sex who share your taste for fantasy. Here are some ideas:
Pornography can be anything which you find erotic, and it's up to you to explore. Turn-ons may evolve throughout your life, or may become fixed. Conventional pornography in the form of pictures and words may not work but other things might make you horny: velvet, jasmine, lavender, sculpture, water, rope or sky diving or wallowing in mud. 'Planet Sex', the Handbook in our library tells you where to find such things: Formentura for mud wallowing, for example.
Outsiders would be very happy to help you find your type of porno in your chosen format. Pornographic novels and short stories could be written in Braille.
Websites featuring erotic fiction include: www.CleanSheet.com Amatory Ink and Marilynjaylewis.com.
Playboy is available in Braille format but most of their articles are not erotic. The erotic content of Playboy is the luscious photos of gorgeous women. However, you may find the articles interesting. You can request a Braille subscription from www.loc.gov/nls/reference/magprog.html.
Swellpaper is heat-sensitive, so that images and words become physical features when put through the photocopier. This paper is supplied by the National Centre for Tactile Diagrams at www.nctd.org.uk.
You may find that what excites you most is interacting with other people. You don't necessarily need a lover to experience erotic turn-ons with people. Try group massage or stage diving (jumping off the edge or a table or stage and being caught in the arms of a trusted crowd).
Start a Braille Erotic Penfriends Society! People who have become deaf-blind might have much to teach those who have been deaf-blind from birth, as their experiences are much wider. Those who have never seen or heard may need 'drawing out' for them to discover what excites them.
It's most unlikely that you'll do anything stupid, but if you're haunted by the prospect, do talk to someone about your worries. Tell us at Outsiders, for example, or confide in your doctor, or the Samaritans. Don't suffer in silence.
It's self-destructive to ponder on, or actually do something you know is wrong, when you're bound to be caught.
You need to improve your self-image. There are lots of ideas in this section. Evening class in something like self-assertiveness will boost your confidence and bring you into friendly contact with other people. Be sure to get sexual relief, even if you have to pay for it.
Try to get involved in activities, preferably social and/or physical, so that you don't dwell on your problems.
Find a penfriend who you can confide in, through Outsiders or through an organisation listed under Penpals in our directory.
Society no longer frowns on sex with sheep. -- A New Zealand Judge, December 1991
Write down a description of your difficulties and worries. Send us a copy so we can advise you and perhaps recommend other people or organisations who might be able to help.
Most people's worries turn out to be no more than worries. You may simply not know what to expect. Either ask us or read one of the library books. The 'Lovers' Guide Encyclopaedia' no . 424 might be a good start, while 'The Sex Directory' no .259 lists problems and where to go for help. Our library videos 'Making Love' and 'The Lovers' Guide' will also help you.
Most sex problems can be overcome during therapy. GPs will refer you to a therapist unless the problem is a medical one, in which case he should refer you to a urologist or gynaecologist.
Beware of GPs trying to deal with sex problems - they are not always them most knowledgeable, although they are improving and becoming less inhibited. In particular, try not to let your GP fob you off with a device or medication such as Viagra before tests have been done and you have tried therapy. Many sexual problems come from stress, early sexual abuse, believing in myths, negative sexual upbringing and bad communication.
To succeed with a woman, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it. -- Cary Grant
It's common for penises to misbehave - either refusing to get stiff, ejaculating too quickly or not coming at all. All erection problems need to be checked out by a GP although they are usually caused or aggravated by stress and anxiety. If you get too anxious about your 'performance', you may have problems achieving an erection, and suppressing anxiety can cause premature ejaculation.
If you find it difficult to talk to your doctor about intimate matters, try
calling the Impotence Association Helpline on 020 8767 7791, or write to:
The Impotence Information Centre,
P.O.Box 1130,
London W3 9BB.
Read 'Impotence: A Guide for Men of All Ages'
by Philip Kell & Wallace Dinsmore, published by the
Royal Society of Medicine Press.
Men with physical causes of impotence can use medication and other methods to get erections and some might kick-start you into getting an erection without their help. Options include oral medications such as Viagra, injections such as Vasopotin, artificial aids such as Correctaid, Erectaid and implants. A specially designed suction pump can simulate an erection, then keep it up by using a cock ring.
There's a device in America called the Pulsator which apparently 'provides
hours of pleasurable hands-free massage with an erotic tingling sensation, it
gets you up and keeps you there'. Costing $89.95 with an extra £10 for
UK postage, it is available from:
LC Enterprises,
31878 Del Obispo,
Suite 118-331,
San Juan Capistrano,
California 92675.
If you don't get an erection, this could be a sign that you have other medical problems such as diabetes, so it's doubly important to get a check up with your GP.
If you are paralysed you may still find intercourse pleasurable, even if you feel nothing in your penis. Sexual functioning can return after spinal injury, as may sperm count, although this can take a few years.
Vitamin E is recommended and see your GP.
Women can keep coming over and over again - and so can men if they learn to control ejaculation. However, many men find that they ejaculate even before they have got really stiff, before they have put it inside the woman, or before any real lovemaking has begun. This can feel very frustrating. You may never have learnt how to control your orgasm, always hurried it, and you can teach yourself by masturbating intermittently, stopping and starting to learn the feeling of when it's likely to happen, and slowing down.
Some men may have mastered that perfectly but find that things get out of control when a woman is beside them. You're probably a really nice, reliable guy who tends to put women on pedestals, only to be kicked in the balls (metaphorically) by them once they have got you. Treatment is possible with a therapist. It will probably involve a combination of couple therapy (i.e. both you and your partner) and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.
Don't use numbing creams as they will make your problem worse.
Useful books are 'Men and Sex' by Bernie Zilbergeld and 'The Multi-Orgasmic Man', both of which are in our library.
It's very common for women to have difficulty in achieving orgasm, especially during sexual intercourse. Some women with spinal cord injury and brain injury may find they lose orgasmic responsiveness, at least for a few years. Many women need extra stimulation with a hand, mouth or vibrator to get off, and men must realise that she may very well not get off by pumping away inside. Female orgasms usually come from the stimulation of the clitoris which is situated at the front of the vulva, the vagina opening being behind it.
Some women prefer a very strong vibrator while others like a muted sensation, using something to cushion the sensations, where as other women like a hand, a jet of water or a tongue.
Much more is written about female orgasm in library book no.24, 'Liberating Masturbation' by Betty Dodson (also on tape, no.7). Betty has also produced some good videos on female orgasm available from Blue Moon, call for a catalogue on 020 8466 8296. Men with spinal cord injury and brain injury may also lose orgasmic responsiveness in some form or other. Men who cannot reach orgasm easily can use a strong vibrator, try using more exciting fantasies or just enjoy taking a nice long time!
This can also be reduced by spinal cord injury and brain damage. Some success
has been achieved by using a vacuum pump on the clitoris. Women who are nervous
or don't trust the man to give her pleasure may go dry, and many women have a
problem with lubrication. Happily there are lots of lovely lubricants available
on the market. Try the women's sex store Sh! which is disability friendly even
though they have a few steps at the entrance. They also sell goods by mail order:
43 Coronet Street,
London.
N1 6HD.
Tel: 020 7613 5458.
Women who find it difficult or painful trying to have anything inside their
vagina probably have a fairly common condition called vaginismus. This can be
cured by a gentle, experienced sex therapist. Resolve is a support group which
puts vaginismus sufferers in touch with each other at:
PO Box 820,
London.
NW1 3AW.
There is also a condition called vulvodynia which makes the external tissues, called the vulva, painful. Stress is very often the cause but you need to see your GP.
There are a range of reasons why sex might feel painful and it's important that you don't suffer in silence. Get referred to a specialist if possible and get the problem sorted out.
Many people are frightened of the unknown. People who have lived their lives in isolation tend to worry that they might be physically abnormal. Don't sit there worrying: get yourself sorted out by asking an expert: someone at Outsiders or your doctor.
One of the wonderful things about sex is that everyone is different and sex is a journey of amazing exploration. Learn how to explain your intimate doubts to your partner and express your feelings so that they respect you and look after you well. You are much more likely to enjoy sex if you know how to pleasure your own body, and if you take responsibility for your own pleasure and your own orgasms.
If you find sex repulsive because your puritanical upbringing told you that bottoms are dirty, sex is animalistic and bodily fluids disgusting, boy, you've got a long way to go! Please set off on your journey to battle against all that negativity, so that you can begin to enjoy yourself!
If you can't feel anything sexual or emotional, your feelings are buried somewhere and need to be unblocked. Feelings get blocked by nasty early experiences, or perhaps there is something you are unable to accept something within yourself, or you have some deep-seated anger. Counselling is the quickest route to success.
Fear of sex can result from being sexually abused as a child and it could be that you may have blotted those memories out of your mind. Many disabled children get sexually abused, so think carefully about the possibility. Such problems need to be addressed using a skilled therapist. Get a GP referral or contact one of the helplines listed in our directory.
Ask a close friend to stand by you and give their support, as this therapy might be a very painful period of your life.
It's quite normal for people to go off sex for some periods in their lives. However, it can make you feel deadly. If this persists, you need to see what is causing it: perhaps low self esteem, depression or it could be your medication. New treatments are coming on the market to help revive the libido. Don't be too embarrassed to ask your doctor, and insist your request is taking seriously.
When any medication is prescribed, double check that it won't affect your sex drive or your ability to enjoy sex. GPs might assume you don't have sex if you have an impairment. Even if you don't have a partner today, you might have one tomorrow.
Maybe you have tastes which others have condemned as 'perverted', distasteful or wicked. Outsiders is a club which doesn't pass judgement on sexual tastes - we feel that someone with unusual desires which they find hard to satisfy (because suitable partners are hard to come by) has a sexual disability, and needs support.
We may be able to put you in touch with other members with similar problems, for