Although Outsiders works very well indeed for many of its members, there have been disappointments and misunderstandings. Some of these could have been avoided if the people concerned had made themselves more familiar with the problems experienced by the people they met. Obviously, it's asking rather a lot to expect you to become embarrassment and erotic arousal at seeing a sea of breasts and genitals in front an expert overnight in physiology and psychology. On the other hand, we do have plenty of books in our library which you can borrow to look things up. Most of the volunteers in the Outsiders office have quite a fund of knowledge on the difficulties encountered by members, and we're only a letter or phone call away.
So if you're corresponding with another member, are planning to meet them and want to be sure you understand the problems associated with their disabilities - ask them, ask us or read a book. Once you have the facts, you'll know how to cope and can spend the energy you would have wasted on worrying on having fun instead.
For example, some members have brain damage as a result of motor accidents. We're friendly with some of them and like them very much. But brain injury may result in the person no longer being as discreet as before. If you didn't know this, you might think that your new friend was behaving in a disrespectful way towards you and take offence, whereas actually none was intended. Similarly, if you meet someone with eczema without understanding how cut off eczema sufferers can feel during childhood, you may misread their 'distance' to mean that they don't like you. Someone with Giles de la Tourette syndrome might swear or insult you unintentionally, even though they're a very nice gentle, polite person. Perhaps your new friend may have told you they are incontinent - find out exactly what this might mean, and you'll be mentally prepared for your meeting.
Ideally, we should all be ready to tell potential friends about our shortcomings, but it's not always easy to strike the right balance between being honest and not putting people off. This is a delicate skill that only comes with experience. If you have little experience of one-to-one encounters and find the prospect daunting, come to our lunches and meet new friends as part of a group.
One note to non-disabled people who feel apprehensive about going on dates with someone with a disability: Don't react like the young man who said he was afraid that if he took a girl with a disability out once, she'd expect to be taken out for ever! People with disabilities are just like yourself - with their own individual tastes and needs, and no more likely to be clinging than the average 'walkie-talkie'. You have as much to gain from a date with them as they have with you.
Throughout this section you might have been amazed at the way we play down the relevance of disability, perhaps at times giving the impression that it isn't important. Well, of course it's devastating to most people to lose your sight or hearing, to find out that you have MS or have broken your back and will never walk again. Your life will change dramatically. But Outsiders is for people who've decided to enjoy life despite their disabilities and shortcomings, and we hope that you're one of those people.
With regard to physical beauty: we all start out as lovely cherubic babies, and things usually go downhill from there (literally, once the force of gravity starts making itself felt in middle age!) On the other hand, our capacity to enjoy and appreciate life improves with time. People who enjoy become more attractive despite wrinkling skin. If you worry too much about your appearance, you become self-obsessed and can't enjoy yourself. We fritter away our lives until the death of a friend or some other 'reminder' brings us to our senses. Then we gain new values: appreciating the beauty of the world and losing ambitions for wealth and fame. In the process, we may grow apart from friends and family, and thus suddenly become 'outsiders.'
Don't look down on other Club members. Some might seem dreary and unattractive, but everyone has the capacity to be ecstatic - and watch the transformation when Cupid arrives! We've seen the most unpopular people become absolutely charming once they've found love.
Outsiders isn't a club for 'helpers' and 'helped'. There are no categories of membership: everyone joins on an equal basis, and the members who have problems and/or disabilities don't necessarily need help - except perhaps to find a partner or new friends. Our club has always been a Do Gooder-free zone, and you'll find that it simply won't work for you if you approach it in that spirit.
Offers of transport are always welcome so that less mobile members can get to lunches and parties, though bear in mind that many female members are nervous about accepting lifts from men they don't know.
You can also help by organising social events - either at home or in a pub, wine bar or cafe, inviting your friends and Club members. If you have computer or DIY skills, you may be able to help out in our office. Don't expect people to respond to your offers as a matter of course, and never do anything on the assumption that you'll be thanked for it. Some people may resent the fact that they have to rely on others for the sort of help you're offering, and feel that you're just boosting your own ego by making them feel as if they should be grateful. Helping members requires sensitivity, and you need to be clear about your motives at all times.
There is masses to be done. People with social and physical disabilities are still treated appallingly and get excluded from the marriage market and sexual arena. Write letters to newspapers challenging social stigma, campaign for the sexual acceptance of disabled people, raise money to help Outsiders along, and offer support to people who feel too depressed to improve their lives. Put up copies of our poster, get leaflets about the club into your local shops, clubs, drop-in centres and surgeries. Contact the office to ask if there are any other jobs that need doing. Once the coordinators get to know you well, they will trust you with more and more responsibility. Then you will make the step from being a responsible person who is too busy, to someone who wished you had more time because you have fallen in love.