Admitting that your life isn't working out for you takes courage, and most of us need time to face up to the reality of what needs to be done. Change is always unnerving, so do it when you're feeling tough.
Making friends through Outsiders may give you the courage and confidence to think about changing your lifestyle or location. We are a self-help group which encourages people to move on in their lives. As someone once remarked, the only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
It is difficult to change the way you are, but here are some things to do:
A common error members make is blaming their disabilities or problems and using them as a handy excuse for not achieving anything. Never allow a physical impairment or feature, weakness or illness to be the cause of your failure. It may be a hindrance, but once it becomes an excuse you're on the slippery slope that leads to self-pity and inaction.
We know a woman who says that no one would marry her because she has cerebral palsy. People who know her well know that the real reason men run a mile is that she's much too 'heavy' and over-dramatises everything. She prefers to blame her impairment because that way she can avoid having to change and enjoy a good moan about not having a husband. In the meantime, people she meets feel she's being extremely open and honest and refreshingly 'aware' of her disability! To find a partner, her attitude to life and the way she behaves needs to change.
There is no point in comparing yourself to others and feeling resentful or helpless. Remember, the most outwardly successful and superficially beautiful people often have huge personal problems. Just be yourself and find what you want.
In nature there's no blemish but the mind. None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind. -- William Shakespeare
Why? Is it your appearance or social awkwardness? In our experience, everyone who's complained of this has been completely mistaken about what others really think of them.
As long as you're afraid of what other people think, it's hard to know your true self and enjoy peace of mind. Talking over your worries will help you get to know and like yourself, and then it won't matter if people do laugh - you'll realise that they're just expressing their own ignorance or lack of confidence.
Find your own way of dealing with it, perhaps by going out with a friend to help shield you from what you fear. Find places to go where you feel less threatened. Outsiders lunches, for example are ideal because nobody will laugh and everyone will accept you. You can begin to gain confidence, make friends and find your own way to defeat your agony.
Some of our members are worldly wise, some are socially competent, while others have been very sheltered. You may have no idea how to behave appropriately, and even some experienced members don't realise when they're rubbing people up the wrong way.
If you never say nice things to people, if you forget to thank, if you avoid paying your way, then it should not be any surprise that you're alone. Being self-centred may result from the fact that you've been the centre of attention of people caring for you. If you really want to bring romance into your life, the first lesson is to switch your attention to other people - listen and empathise to show you like them.
Outsiders allows you to practise socialising. It's a place where you can learn to give and take (but mainly give). Some members can help you to build up your confidence and social skills, while others might appreciate some help themselves. Realising how useful you can be to other members (without being a boring old do-gooder) may be a great boost to your self-image.
You may have some form of autism or perhaps Asperger Syndrome. We have a lively bunch of people in Outsiders who have been so diagnosed, and enjoy discussing how their condition hinders socialising and finding partners. Two very good books on the subject are 'Shadow Syndromes'. by John Ratey et. al., and 'Pretending To Be Normal' by L.H.Willey. It would be impossible here to generalise and give a neat set of advisory points, but here are a few guidelines:
Here are some examples of problems lots of people experience:
Our library book 'Principles of NLP no .476 deals with Neuro-Linguistic Programming. This is a popular methodology which helps you design your life to maximum success, with tools to heal the past, shape your future and live more fully in the moment. It has been referred to as the owners guide to the mind.
If you're a member of Outsiders, write to other members on the list, then ring them and finally ease your way into face-to-face meetings. If you make the effort to contact other members, you'll have plenty of opportunities to improve your 'people skills'. The beauty of our club is that you have our support, so please tell us when things go wrong: a list of people offering phone support is always published in our magazine, INSIDE.
'Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got' -- Sophia Loren
Don't feel inferior if you find relationships difficult - it's often the most sensitive people who, because they need intimacy with others so much, screw it all up. Like Van Gogh, for example. But don't be the Heroic Loner revelling in your isolation as if it's proof that you're superior to the 'herd'. Unrealistic expectations of other people may need to be revised once you gain more human contact. It's true that relationships can sometimes feel like an anxious escape from loneliness, but they lead to a greater joy in life that inspires you to make more use of your talents.
There are many ways of dealing with this feeling, and the best ones require courage. Cowardly methods don't work.
For example, some people cope with their inadequacies by only turning up at social events at the end, or approaching people who are distressed because of a recent break-up - acting as opportunist scavengers. It's a way of getting scraps but not the real thing. The thing to remember is that you must know how to give before you can gain anything. Then you'll start to feel the rewards in that people will start to love you. There are no short cuts.
One very courageous course of action is to move to another country where you may well come across in a totally different light. One member, though highly intelligent, kind and courteous, felt like a prat every time he tried to date a girl. He got so sick of being a frustrated bachelor in Wales, he went off to live in Hungary. There, the women thought he was dashing and cool, and he enjoyed several wonderful affairs. Eventually he got homesick and returned to the UK but, with all that experience behind him, he is having much more success with women here.
'You look a little shy; let me introduce you to that leg of mutton' -- said the Red Queen to Alice
If you can think of a leg of mutton every time you feel shy, at least that will take your mind off it! Forget yourself. Leave your ego behind. Take an interest in things around you, stop caring what people think and venture forth.
Of course, it's not easy, but other people rarely step forward to help you out like the Red Queen. If you can manage to say 'I feel a little shy', people will respond and help you along.
Try not to let your fear cause aggression: some people cover their shyness by behaving unpleasantly. Others feel helplessly self-consciousness and retreat into their shell.
Maybe you blush if you feel shy - which might make it seem much worse. There are books on the subject to help you cope. some of which you will find in our Library.
Nearly everyone is shy at some stage of their lives and in certain situations. Try to understand why you feel intimidated in some situations. Is it because:
If you feel inferior then they will pick on your low self-image make it even harder, so it's up to you to get a life.
If you are disabled and the only compliment you ever get is how brave you are, you need to find a new circle of friends who see your other qualities. Create something of your own to be proud of, which will help you to gain respect.
Of course, people might look down on you because you have got a reputation as a lying, double-crossing trouble maker and if this is the case, you need to start behaving better and regain your reputation.
Fear of rejection is common and the only way of overcoming it is to take a light-hearted, 'don't care' attitude and get into the habit of thinking that way. If you go out expecting rejection, singing 'here we go again!', you may be pleasantly surprised.
People who were physically impaired from birth or during childhood or adolescence may have been subjected to hurtful rejection by kids and teenagers around them, and still feel very sore and nervous. Try to be positive and realise that all that experience could help you become resistant to it. Talk about your experiences with friends so they don't feel so traumatic. Joking about them eases the pain.
Try not to let fear cramp your style. We all get rejected so never feel it is just you.Where does this stem from? Would counselling help? Or classes in assertiveness? Don't cover up, because you'll appear cocky, sweaty and generally unpleasant. Admit to feeling nervous - people will warm to you if you admit to your vulnerabilities and they can see you are facing the challenge head on with an intrepid smile.
Communication is an art you can master with a bit of determination, and the rewards are enormous. Other people in Outsiders aren't going to reject you because you don't yet relate easily to others. Most of us have already been there!
Be friendly towards people you meet in everyday life, and show interest in them. It may require a bit of acting skill in the beginning, but it'll pay off.
'Hi - how's it going? Good to see you'Can be followed by a more specific question about a recent event that requires an answer and get you talking to people. Don't mumble, and remember to smile, but without overdoing it - the half-crazed, 'Tony Blair on Prozac' look is guaranteed to get you a table to yourself in the most crowded of cafés.
Try to analyse your fear and look at it in a detached way, realising that it's a reflection of how you are, not how the world is. And remember that a fearful attitude is usually a self-fulfiling prophecy - if you expect the people you meet to be aggressive and domineering, they may tune in to your defensive 'vibes' and treat you accordingly.
Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how it feels to be that person. One man we know got over his fear of women by dressing up and pretending to be one. This is a very powerful tool. Or imagine that person who intimidates you sitting on the toilet!
Always have something interesting to tell people, but more important, have an interesting question to ask them. Once you take an interest in other people, you will find they are no longer frightening.
Try to mix more, because your fear is irrational.Choose people who look receptive and aren't busy doing something else. These are good conversation openers:
There are several good books on tackling shyness, including Philip Zimbardo's in our library (no. 125). No single book is likely to address your individual circumstances exactly, but read several and try out any exercises that take your fancy.
Join an evening class or society where you'll be forced to mix with people. Start gently with something like chess, calligraphy or pottery, where you can concentrate on the activity without feeling awkward if you can't think of anything to say. Once you've developed more confidence, you can move on to talk-based activities like local history groups or language classes. Drama groups can be very useful: start off as a scenery-shifter and gradually work your way up to stardom on the stage. If you're especially shy with the opposite sex and feel inhibited about touching them, join a mixed self-defence class where the students practise the moves on each other. This worked extremely well for one of our members, and the knowledge you gain on protecting yourself will also make you feel more generally confident in social situations. Dance classes can work wonders as well.
If all else fails, you could seek help from a therapist or preferably group therapy. which is sometimes available in the local hospital. Bear in mind that ultimately it's you who will have to solve the problem.
Some people stay alone all their lives, dreaming of Prince Charming or some supermodel, and unwilling to settle for someone less than perfect. This sort of fantasy life is a way of avoiding the risk and compromise of flesh-and-blood relationships. Is this what you're doing? The way to get out of this rut is to force yourself to hang out with people who may not resemble your fantasy but will give you experience of reality. Try to blend the two. You'll gradually develop the confidence to decide what you really want and need. And don't forget that a 'unfanciable' boy or girl you hang out with may have their own fantasies you don't fulfil, but it's a great way to learn about relating by sharing dreams and fantasies with each other. You'll never get anywhere if you stay in your bedroom sighing over your posters, will you?
If you want the comfort and excitement of a real relationship, you need to learn from experience which kind suits you best. Get to know the girl next door, the man at work, another member of Outsiders. Everyone has something fascinating about them. Try to discover what it is in the next person you meet.
The pain is too muchA thousand grim winters grow in my head
Manic depressive people suffer highly unpleasant mood swings which puts a great strain on relationships. It's important to get the very best support and belong to a group where you can help each other through difficult patches. Many of us get depressed in spells during our lives and it's very important that you combat your depression before it becomes a permanent state of affairs. Before you can fight it, you need to recognise the possible causes, and here are some of the most common ones:
Apart from money problems, Outsiders can help with all of these. If you're feeling down, ring one of the members in the phone support network or contact the office.
One theory is that depression is internalised anger and the best cure is to work through ways of expressing it safely, with a counsellor or therapist. Ask your GP for a referral. Read 'Anger - How to live with and without it' by Dr. Albert Ellis which is our library book no. 219.
It may be that you need rapid relief from your distress from anti-depressants as Prozac and Seroxat, be sure to discuss the possible side-effects with your GP. You could try herbal remedies such as St. John's Wort. At the same time, it might be useful to talk over your problems with a trained counsellor who will help you identify the cause and make the necessary changes in your life. Take up Tai Chi or Yoga.
If you get no joy from your GP, contact the Samaritans. They can act as a trustworthy friend if you simply need to talk. If you don't like the telephone, you can go into your local Samaritans branch to talk face to face.
If your depression is being caused by your self-dislike concerning a physical aspect such as a stammer or being overweight, do something positive to address it. It's no good dosing yourself with Prozac when what you really need is speech therapy, a healthier diet or a change in focus. Your focus may need to be on developing inner qualities such as self-confidence, a sense of humour, serenity, or a vibrant spirit.
Don't get overwhelmed by problems. Rosie King invented Rosie's Theory which says that no matter how much you resolve your problems, others take their place. So she realised that resolving is no good without making sure there are 'goodies' in her life. One goodie equals a hundred problems and happiness comes not from solving problems but from finding goodies. Goodies are anything you enjoy.
Exercise releases brain chemicals called endorphins, the body's natural pain-killers which produce the 'feelgood factor'. So get a decent amount of exercise every day, preferably something fun (yes, that too!) and in a pleasurable environment perhaps something like Tai Chi which brings you into contact with other people.
Get an active sex life. Orgasms cheer you up by flooding the nervous system with those clever little chemicals mentioned above. If you're male, learn how to achieve orgasms without ejaculation. While masturbation will relieve tension and make you feel better, coming too often in a short space of time may make you feel tired and depleted. Books such as 'Masturbation, Tantra & Self-Love' by Margo Woods and 'The Multi-Orgasmic Man' by Mantak Chia will show you how to use sex to boost your energy levels.
Contact your local Volunteer Bureau and offer to do voluntary work. Help people who need the kind of assistance that you could offer, but try to pick cheerful ones. Don't spend all your time with 'fellow sufferers' or you'll never find the motivation to challenge your current attitudes and get more enjoyment out of life.
Try some alternative therapies such as aromatherapy or meditation. Do something about your situation, because the longer you stay depressed, the harder it becomes to get out of it - so act now.
If the heart of a man is depressed with cares
The mist is dispelled when a woman appears. -- John Gay
Regain your hope. Hope has a healing power in itself. Talk to someone at Outsiders about feeling hopeless and let us help you turn it around.
We humans will call the repair service as soon as our car or TV breaks down, but will suffer in silence for years if the problem is with our personal lives. Oddly enough, when people do seek help, what they usually discover, after all their worries, is:
You may have heard negative things said about therapists, and it's true there are a few bad/unqualified/ego-tripping ones - which is why you should always ask those you're thinking of consulting about their qualifications, training and experience. Your GP may be the best source for a referral or recommendation for help on the NHS, although there may be a long waiting list.
To find help on your own, try getting help from one of the organisations listed under Sexuality and Disability in our directory. Ask for their qualifications before booking an appointment. There is no qualification called sexologist, professionals are either therapists or counsellors. Even some counsellors and therapists may be shy about talking in an uninhibited way about sex to anybody, let alone disabled people. Check this out before you embark if your problem is of a sexual nature. The first session should in any case clarify what you hope to gain, how long it may take and whether the therapist has any doubts about being able to help. If their fees seem astronomic, ask if there is some way you can have a discount. Some will charge on a sliding scale. If at any time you feel you are becoming dependent on your therapist, tell them. Your reason for going along was to gain independence from your problem, not inherit another dependence!
Relationships end because people change in different ways: one partner may develop an all-embracing enthusiasm that the other can't share; they may go off in a different direction in life, or just lose their sparkle and become boring. Becoming disabled, either suddenly or gradually, is another kind of change that may lead two people to grow apart. Try to accept some responsibility for the end of the relationship: break-ups are never entirely the fault of one person, and seeing yourself as the victim of someone else's actions will just leave you feeling bitter and helpless. Learn from your experiences and move on. You will be surprised at how much better things can get.
One thing that scares people off is feeling trapped. Give your partner freedom without making them feel unwanted and unloved.
If you became disabled when you were with your last partner, did you ever discuss how this made you partner disabled as well? Some people just can't hack it and perhaps you weren't in a position, or never thought to give them some support. You had the impairment and they were free to walk away. Sometimes people go their separate ways.
Try to be positive and welcome the space to grow and find someone more suitable for you in your present circumstances, someone who will accept your disability and share it in their lives.
True confidence comes from within yourself, not from the reassurance, support and compliments from others. Don't put yourself at the mercy of what someone else says or does.
There are many ways to regain your inner strength; and the best is to start a new chapter in your life. Get a new hairstyle, enrol for classes, join a local society or go on an activity holiday. Always keep the door open for love to come into your life again. Keep going forward in life. Take pride in your struggle and buy a CD of 'I Will Survive' and sing along until you're defiantly cheerful!
If I had my life over again I'd make all the same mistakes - only sooner. -- Tallulah Bankhead
Our aim is to give you a kick up the arse to encourage you to change your life for the better, by widening your experience and increasing your opportunities to enjoy yourself.
Many people respond to such suggestions with the response 'Yes .... but ...', always finding an excuse not to do things. If you are a Yes-but person, try to get out of the habit because if you don't change your life, your life may change you.
One of our first ever members, a wonderful man with tetraplegia who contributed much to the first edition of our book 'Practical Suggestions' (which this section is largely based upon) was dearly cherished by the women he got to know in Outsiders. His life was cocooned by well-meaning parents and he found it really difficult to live out his desires. He finally made arrangements to spend a night of intimacy with one of the women, but he died two weeks before the date. Don't let that happen to you.
Life may seem endless while you're on your own doing nothing, but when you get the chance to enjoy yourself you'll realise how quickly it goes, and regret all those hours wasted feeling aimless, sad and lonely. So learn from the past, plan your future and begin to make it happen - today.