I first joined Outsiders in the late 1980s and have been a member pretty much ever since. I do not have a physical disability in the accepted sense, more a social disability. When I first joined, I was 35 and had been a teacher for 10 years - a job which helped me gain confidence, but my depression and anxiety got the better of me and I had to retire. I get panicky and feel trapped in certain situations, especially the normal dating venues like pubs, restaurants and cinemas. I have never attended an Outsiders event. One of my female friends told me she thinks I have a commitment Phobia and I think she is right. My medication has played havoc with my eating habits, digestion and bodily functions. I think my anxiety stems from having had a puritanical upbringing.
I have a fetish which until recently I was secretive about, which prevented me from forming relationships with women. I now accept it, and consider it a positive thing in my life. Inhibitions tend to be dropped as we get older.
After leaving my teaching post, I gained insight into the problems encountered by marginalised groups in society. I was caring for my elderly parents, did voluntary work with people with learning disabilities and mental health problems, and was a member of MIND.
Although I am an invisible member of Outsiders, the club has helped me enormously. It has opened my eyes into different ways of looking at things - especially the Practical Suggestions book, which reads as if it was written for me. It's nice to know no one is rejected or judged because of appearance and we are not treated like patients on a waiting list. I have been in touch with many members over the years and always appreciated the fact that at any time, any of us could receive a surprise letter or call from someone new. Recently, Outsiders has helped me come to terms with the fact that I am a "happily single" person, and that you don't need to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled and be content.
Outsiders has helped me in many different ways. For example, when Ruth Shearman was alive, she lived only 25 miles away and we were in touch for ages before one Saturday afternoon, I drove to the vicinity of her home, just to prove I could do it (my anxiety disorder made this very difficult). That gave me the confidence to arrange to visit Ruth several times that year, which was just before her deterioration and ultimate death. I was a bag of nerves but it was well worth the effort. As everyone who remembers Ruth, she was a dream. Just after my first visit, I received a letter asking me to go to Northampton for a medical for my pension infirmity benefit application. That was about 14 miles away and it seemed like the other side of the world. Having made it to Ruth, I knew I could make it to Northampton, and this pension has been an absolute a godsend.
Years later, after I stopped driving, I discovered the Day-Save ticket where you can get on and off trains as you please - tailor made for panicky me - and I was able to visit another Outsiders member, Fran, who lives in Essex. I still stay in touch with Fran. She jokingly told me to write a postcard if I ever actually made it into London, and eventually, one November night I sat in St Pancras and wrote Fran that postcard. She told me on the phone she cheered loudly when she received it.
I hope you can see why I continue to renew my membership and maybe writing this is a first step in getting involved. It's nice to know there's still one organisation that has not been hi-jacked by the quangos or big business - so many thanks once more!