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Sarah and Steve

Steve wrote:
I had heard of Outsiders a number of years ago by seeing an advert in DN Magazine, and thought: “What a good idea! not seen that before.” However, I had just finished a 7 year relationship (living together for 4 of them) and I thought “no, I’m not ready!” (a usual reaction at the end of a relationship). I decided to give the dating lark a miss for a while and didn’t give it or Outsiders another thought ... until 3 years ago (04-08-2007 at 2pm to be precise). steve_sarah.jpg


A friend of mine — I’ll call her J for now — said, “Come on, you misery, come to Outsiders Lunch at Birmingham with me”.Over the years, I had tried other options, including online dating, but for some reason it wasn’t working; so, I must admit, I was sceptical, but after quite a lot of persuasion I thought, “What have I got to lose?”

On my first visit, I was greeted amongst others by Norma, with a friendly and welcoming “Hello!” And, believe it or not, I did notice, in the far corner, Sarah. She looked up, and with just one smile I was hooked. (The saying “at first sight” sprang to mind; corny, I know, but hey!!). However, it later turned out that she had made the 2.5 hour trip from just outside Bristol to meet up with another member and, not knowing how serious it was, I carried on chatting in the sun with the other members. On the way out to the car, J said “What do you think? Will you come again?” I tried to play it cool and said I might, as there was someone I had spotted. She grinned, and said with a smile, “Who’s that, then?” I said nothing and left it at that.

Sarah:
Steve and I first met at a Birmingham lunch 4 years ago. I remember it well!! I was actually meeting another guy who I had been chatting to via email for a while, but that didn’t come to anything. I noticed Steve while we were eating and then we all went outside to enjoy the sunshine. Although we were talking to other people, we exchanged a smile. Steve lives near Northampton and I live near Bristol. Whenever possible we made the effort to go to each other’s local lunches and we gradually got talking and got to know each other, unaware that we both really liked the other. With people I don’t know I use a LightWriter to communicate. Steve was really patient with the LightWriter, he always waited for me to finish typing what I wanted to say. Even if Steve was talking to someone else while I was typing, he would always turn back to see what I had said.

Steve:
When I first met Sarah, my initial thoughts were typical of what someone who doesn’t understand Sarah’s situation, I thought Hmmm! She appears to need a lot of assistance with things, such as eating, drinking and going to the toilet, plus the obvious barrier of having to talk to people who don’t know Sarah using a LightWriter to communicate. I then thought: well, she is here for the same reason as I am... but how would it work? I can’t deny that there was a period of time when I wasn’t sure of the capabilities and levels of Sarah’s disability within a relationship: CP has many levels. It was at that point that I realized what I had done, to the point of being shamefully judgemental, and possibly what every other man that Sarah had shown any sort of attraction and feelings towards had done. By not seeing beyond the disability, I was being very hypocritical, because that was the very thing I had accused others of doing to me.

Sarah:
About six months after we met, we started emailing each other, still oblivious to how the other felt. Suddenly Steve stopped emailing me altogether. I presumed he wasn’t interested, so I just left it. But then, on the Outsiders holiday to Torquay, Steve and I started talking again, and having a laugh and a joke. After the holiday, Steve started to email me again, which completely confused me! By now my best mate and a carer were telling me there were signs that Steve did really like me. My best mate kept saying “Just ask him”, but I kept finding excuses not to ask him.

Steve:
It wasn’t until the Outsiders Holiday in Torquay that the penny dropped, and I realized Sarah is a sharp-witted, very thoughtful and caring woman. By the end of the holiday I thought I had blown my chances, by not having the bottle to tell her how I felt at the time, despite having numerous opportunities. I suppose that’s a result of years of not believing in what I also had to offer a relationship.

Sarah:
At the Tiverton event in May 2009 Steve and I arranged to go for a meal afterwards, with my carer and her daughter. The meal went well, but still neither of us twigged.

Steve:
Tiverton was a fascinating and interesting day and one I was glad I didn’t miss, as I thought it was a turning point in our relationship. I felt I was starting to see more of Sarah’s sense of fun as we had a real laugh throughout the day and at that point, thought perhaps being friends wouldn’t be a bad idea. The meal afterwards was a small insight into how things might be if we were to get together as an item. Sarah needs a carer, and I know and accept that this will never change; this concept of having a carer around most of the time is quite a difficult one. Although we do get a lot of time to ourselves now, it was a different story to start with, as we were arranging to meet at hotels, which again involved another person. I did feel a little embarrassed, at times not just for me but for Sarah’s carer — or sometimes a friend would be there. I often thought this could get awkward, and wondered many times: how’s this gonna work? But after all, it’s second nature for Sarah.

Sarah:
One night in June 2009 I was getting ready for bed and I decided I had to know either way whether Steve wanted to be more than friends with me, or not. So I wrote Steve an email asking him out basically and the following night Steve replied saying yes. YAY!!

Steve:
When this email came in asking if I wanted to be more than friends, I had to read it two or three times, just to check what I was reading was right

Sarah:
We started chatting on Facebook twice a week, staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning. This was a very good way of communicating and keeping in touch given my speech impairment. I really didn’t want this just to be an online relationship; so I suggested we went for a meal at Cheltenham; somewhere we both knew from the lunches. I also dropped into the conversation that there is a Travel Lodge next door to the Harvester. Steve got my drift and in the July we had nice meal at the Harvester, then we spent a very hot passionate night together at the Travel Lodge! YAY!!!

Steve:
Ah! Yes the Cheltenham Travelodge, I remember it as if it were yesterday, this was our first night together alone.... sort of!! I arrived late — my "Achilles' heel": Sarah had been waiting for ages (didn’t outwardly complain) and she looked amazing. I mumbled a few words, like “wow, you look nice” (understatement of the year!) and I also remember thinking “I’m glad I said yes;Good Choice!!” So after a couple minutes we went to eat. At this point I am still aware there is another person with us and is involved at a special, personal & intimate moment of our relationship, in layman’s terms. It was very clear what we intended to do that night, but we were sharing it with someone else. We finished our meal, and at this point Sarah’s carer said “can I do anything else?” We looked at each other, smiled, and Sarah said “Thanks, but no thanks”. At last, we were finally alone for the very first time. We didn’t really say much, but went straight to the room. I was trying not show it, but it suddenly dawned on me what we were going to do and a wave of panic overwhelmed me; and I felt what I assume was a hot flush, or a mid-life crisis, or something like that. After a few minutes, though, I came down from whereever I had been (hah!) and thought: “Get a grip! It’s OK! Be calm; you have done this before — though admittedly a long time ago.”

The anxiety was beginning to grow again; plus, at that point, I wasn’t entirely sure how extensive Sarah’s experiences had been. We kissed for the first time and started to help each other remove each other’s clothes and in an awkward but funny way we got down to our undies At this point, we decided to get on the bed, as doing stuff in the chairs was proving a tad difficult. An easy task, you may think; it transpired that Sarah had as much trouble getting on & off the bed as I did. It was at least 3 inches higher than my wheelchair and, as I was not wearing any footwear, I had no grip and nearly ended in a heap on the floor. At this point it became very apparent there was no ventilation, or very little, in the room; and by the time I got on the bed I was having another “hot flush”. So here we are: a night of exploration and stubborn bra straps awaits us. If you’ve never experienced being in the arms of someone you fancy and totally naked, the full contact of your bodies resting together is a feeling so hard to explain; I can’t do it justice in words, but would recommend it without hesitation to anybody! We both have quite obvious physical limitations, but despite this, we overcame this and had numerous passionate moments throughout the night, even though this was our first “real” date, and as consenting adults. I/we tried for full penetrative sex. Sarah was already on the Pill for various other reasons, and I used a condom, which was a fiddly operation at the best of times. However, because we seemed to generate so much heat, we were sticking to the sheets and each other, and I couldn’t get into the position I wanted. After a short while we had another go, but to no avail, so on our first night we didn’t quite get to “doing the deed” as it were, but we were close, very close. And, despite my best efforts, I ended up being very jerky and making it very uncomfortable for Sarah and by the look on her face quite painful at times, as it was also her first time. At this point I was getting cramp, and it was becoming something of a distraction. After a brief rest to cool down (boy, we did create some heat?!) we performed oral sex on each other. It was on this occasion that Sarah gave me my first ever “blow job”. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but I seemed to remember it was surprisingly relaxing and, in a very short amount of time, got very close to coming. I started to wonder: “What do I do if I do? Leave it in, or take it out?” But at this moment it was also starting to get a little uncomfortable and Sarah stopped. We had another cuddle and started to drift in and out of sleep, waking each other up either by Sarah twitching or me snoring ... what a pair! We spent the next morning apologizing for keeping to each other awake. About 10a.m. Sarah’s carer came in to help her finish getting ready and to have breakfast. There was an uneasy atmosphere as we both thought we’d let each other down by not fulfilling the anticipation or expectations of the previous night that we both, without saying, promised to each other; and each thought that that was our first and last night together.

While sitting in my car in the car park, I could see that Sarah was clearly upset about something but didn’t know what, and I thought that it was all my doing, and that I had put her off “it” for ever. However, when I got home, I ound out that my fears were unfounded: of all things, she emailed me to apologize for not finishing the “blow job” and to say that if given another chance, she would do a better job! It seemed we both wanted to give it another go and, when we got together the next time at the Travelodge near Thornbury, she had another go... and it was the most amazing sensation I’d had ever felt: I had never experienced anything like that before; I thought I was going to pass out!! At the point of ejaculation I remember taking it out and I came all over her face. I apologized, as a matter of principle; besides, we hadn’t discussed it beforehand.

Sarah:
We started telling people that we were going out together. In general people were delighted for us and a few people said “About bloody time!!” A few people were under the preconception that as we are two disabled people, we would most probably need help with the sexual side of our relationship. Instead of people just saying,”if you need any help just ask”, we were offered specific kinds of help that other people decided we would need, which I found quite intrusive and patronizing. Steve and I have had our disabilities since birth. We have spent our whole lives finding our own ways of doing things and now we are both as independent as we can possibly be. So why should sex be any different? Steve and I enjoy our sex life together and yes, we have had things we have needed to work on and things we still need to work on, but we will get there on our own. As a result, our sex life is always evolving and getting even better! To be honest, I was under my own misconception that sex with a disabled guy would never be as good as sex with an able bodied guy. I now know differently!!

Steve:
Joining Outsiders was bound to increase the possibility of me/anyone of us meeting someone with a disability but, at the end of the day, what are we looking for? Is it companionship & company or is there a need for, as I mentioned before, a physical thing, which could be as simple as a cuddle and the touch of someone’s hand or the desire of something even more sexual. I personally feel it has nothing to do with “Disability or Able-Bodied-ness” but all about how you feel about a particular individual whatever your sexuality. Go by instinct of sheer attraction, that certain spark; and yes, you can be attracted by Personality, Sense of Humour, a Kind Nature and not the way someone looks!! Is body image really that important? Shyness can be an issue, but not something that can’t be overcome and, whether or not you’d rather meet or date an Able Bodied Person because it’s more convenient and the logistics of it all are less hassle, think again! Sarah and I have.

Sarah:
Naturally there were some concerned relatives. Concerned because we have both been badly hurt before, and concerned about the practicalities of this being a long distance relationship. Steve and I see each other about once a month. Steve mostly comes down here. I am lucky in that my Mum and a friend are each willing to take me up to see Steve, and I have been up a few times. However, not only do I pay for petrol, I also have to pay for their food and their hotel bill. So it is expensive for me to go up to Steve’s, but it can be, and is, done. We still chat twice a week and there are emails going back and forth. Early on in the relationship Steve got the hang of my speech, so we don’t use the LightWriter between ourselves. The situation is not ideal, but until Steve can get a flat down here, we will and do make the best of it. My advice is, if you fancy someone, do get to know them, but don’t take three years to ask them out!!!

Steve:
Luckily, Sarah now has a double bed, so no more sneaking in and out of hotels late at night and early in the morning. Ha! Ha! I am making the 180 mile round trip more often these days, usually over a weekend as I want to see Sarah as much as I can, now. It’s over 12 months since we became a “couple” or “item” — whatever you prefer. We feel that our relationship has moved on to the next level (of boyfriend/girlfriend) enough to consider the possibility of me moving down to be nearer or, dare I say it? even living together. Both of our families are aware of this, and fully support us in whatever we wish to do. We know this could take months & months... but hopefully not years. Finally, despite the awkward & embarrassing moments and the risk of what people might say, think or comment about our relationship, we did it... and still do feel it was right thing for both of us... after all, we are both responsible adults.